Ask 3 Guys

Several for your reading pleasure!!!

2010-05-28T10:08:00.001-07:00

Thought we would post a few for you to chew on. Be sure to tell your friends to check us out at www.ask3guys.com!

Dear Ask 3 Guys:

Here’s the Lo-Down…

14, girl, skinny, go to an all girl's high school, friends who've lost their virginity already. It's not right. Maybe I'm not the girl that's just going to give it all up, but I don't get noticed by who I want to... what I'm saying is, guys are into me, but it's not there with them. I don't want anything shallow.

How do I play the game?

--Solitaire…

Dear solitaire:

Ronnie’s Take:

Have fun, and fake it to you make it. The right choice isn't always the easiest choice. Stick by your morals, and your time will come when you are proud to make the choice on your terms. No need to rush!

--Ronnie

Eddie’s Take:

Whatever you do, don’t sacrifice your beliefs to get noticed or fit in. You still have plenty of time to figure things out. At your age, you should be focused on two things… (1) School (sorry to sound parentish), and (2) Discovering who you are. Spend plenty of time on the latter. Teens often find themselves trying so hard to fit in, which causes them to fabricate an identity to match what is expected. It is so important to discover who you are, and focus on letting people see that. Walk with confidence, focus on having fun, and you will see that people will be attracted to you for the right reasons.

--Eddie

Dear Ask 3 Guys:

I have been chatting with this guy online since last April, and he even came to Texas where I live to visit. He is in the military, so he does not get a lot of time off, but we agreed to wait to see each other. While he was here last to see me, he did not spend the time with me that he originally told me he would. I did let him know I was disappointed and very confused. That is when he said he would be back now in December to spend more time with me. Just last week he now is telling me it will not be until Feb 2010 now. My friends and family think he is using me and I should start dating other guys, but I like him a lot and I want to believe him. Should I date other people and still keep chatting with him online???

--IM

Dear IM:

Victor’s Take:

I think if you choose to date other people, that is absolutely ok - but, you should be 100% honest with him. Being in the military is not optional for him, and obviously he cannot provide you the attention you would like. If he chats with you all the time, yet sends mixed signals when he comes home (not spending as much time with you as you would like, etc.), and this situation is unacceptable to you (judging by your question, it is) then I think you should move on.

I wish you well...

--Vic

Eddie’s Take:

I think that he enjoys chatting with you, because there is not much to do where he is stationed. When someone stationed overseas can connect with someone, it helps them to escape from where they are. This is no different from a person in jail sending you letters. However, when the guy gets to visit, he has many more options to do whatever he wants. So, it appears that you have taken the back seat when he is in town. I think he does not want to settle down, but he enjoys chatting with you. If you can keep that going, fine. But, I would not wait for him. Be open and honest with him, and everything will fall into place.

--Eddie

Dear Ask 3 Guys:

I just found out this past weekend that my son has a crush on a little girl in his class. My son is 6 and the girl is 7 years old. I was told by the girl's parents that my son writes their daughter love notes at least once a day and passes them to her during class. My husband, I and her parents, their family and their friends all think that it is so cute! It's my son's 2nd little crush...1st one was in preK. Well, I told my mother what I had been told about her grandson's "Love Life" and she took it SERIOUSLY...she said that the family could get him for stalking if the notes become unwanted, the teacher could give him detention for passing notes during class, and she also passed a comment that it may get "out of hand"....

Like I said, my son is 6 years old. He knows NOTHING about sex, relationship, nor love for that matter. The only love he really understands is the love he feels for me, his dad, brother, grandparents and his dog. Why do you think my mother took this so seriously? It's YOUNG LOVE...it's INNOCENT LOVE. I just don't understand her reasoning for saying such things. I did ask her why she thought that way and she didn't respond except by rolling her eyes.

Could ya'll please give me your opinions on this subject and try to explain where you think my mother is coming from? I just can't figure her out. Thank you so much!

Love,

Lover Boy's Mommy J

Dear LBM:

Victor’s Take:

The easy answer to this question is that I think your mother is overprotective. Think back to when you were being raised by her? How did she treat you? I'm guessing that she was overprotective of you as well. From a partial comical standpoint, it sounds like your mother is watching too much Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil. I'm all for getting your mother and your mother-in-law's input on the raising of your child, but there needs to be a time and a place where you politely agree to disagree and move on.

Ultimately, you both have your child's best interests at heart. That is what matters. If the only thing you have to worry about in the raising of your son is puppy love, consider yourself ridiculously lucky. I'm guessing it won't be. I wish you the best of luck going forward.

--Vic

Ronnie’s Take:

This is minor and, at that age, cute. I don't know the laws pertaining to it at that age, so I wouldn't advise but it sure seems innocent and not worthy of wasting time with the grandma. Just pacify her and move on. No need to be alarmed… this is perfectly natural.

--Ronnie

Dear Ask 3 Guys:

I have a problem. I have liked one of my brother's friends for a really long time. In the past, he has said that he can't date me because he is afraid it will affect his friendship with my brother if it doesn't work out, and that he doesn't have the time for a relationship right now. This was fine with me, because I was fine with just being friends. Ok, so they have another friend that they think I should date. He is really funny and a really great guy and I do like him, but I didn't think it would be fair to him for me to date him when I know that I still have feelings for the first guy. Here comes the confusing part-- a couple weeks ago, my brother and his wife had a party at their house. And, we had a few drinks, but Iwas not so drunk that we didn't know what we were doing. So me and the first friend ended up sleeping together (not having sex just a little fooling around) it was his idea *not mine*, and it came out of nowhere. I think that he was afraid that I was going to sleep with the other guy, which isn't something that I would do. Anyways despite what happened, he has not changed his mind about
not wanting a relationship. And he has said that he knows we can't be friends with benefits, because I want more and it wouldn't be fair to me. So when they had another party yesterday, he told my sister-in-law a couple days
before that he wanted to mess around again, which again was fine with me because I like the guy and want to be with him. Well the next day my she told me that their other friend was asking what was up between me and the first guy and she explained that I do like him and that it's hard for me because I have liked him for so long and that I know he is a good guy and I don't want to hurt him.

So my problem is this-- I'm having a hard time deciding between the two of
them. I don't know if I'm wasting my time thinking that he will one day
decide that he wants more, and if he doesn't I think I have pretty much blown
my chance with a good guy by picking the other one over him-- not once, but
twice. I would appreciate any advice you can give me thank you.

--Complicated

Dear Complicated:

Victor’s Take:

Here is my question... what do YOU want? If you just want a friend with benefits type situation, with no relationship or strings attached - keep fooling around with the first guy. Maybe it will turn in to something, but there is just no way of predicting that. Guy #1 sounds like he has been honest with you - which is great - although, he is fooling around with your feelings - which he probably doesn't even realize he is doing. I'm guessing that you are 18 or 19, he - 23 or 24. At that age, you are not mature enough to separate sex from emotion. Most people are incapable of it in their lifetimes, so it is not just an age thing.

The bottom line is this - you WANT a relationship. I can tell by your question. The first guy wants no part of a relationship. Launch Guy #1 and move to Guy #2. If Guy#2 turns out to be no good, maybe Guy#1 seeing you with another man may cause him to act.

Good luck to you...

--Vic

Ronnie’s Take:

I would go to your brother first. Explain everything to him and get his opinion. The friend could just be using that as an excuse.

If you don't get any results, then you need to do the take away move. Tell the friend there is no future, so you are ending the fooling around stuff and moving on. If he really likes you he will come running. If not, then you need to move on any way.

Give the other guy a chance. People will have many relationships that end in break-ups; it's not the end of the world. Any chance, even if limited for him, beats no chance.

--Ronnie

Eddie’s Take:

I think I followed you. Here’s the skinny--- don’t allow guys to play games with you. If you continually make yourself available to guy #1 (at his convenience), then he will continue to use you.

The big problem is that you feel like you have to choose between one of those guys. There is no reason to have a contingency plan when it comes to dating. “If guy #1 is out, then there is always guy #2, but if I mess things up with guy#2, I may lose guy#1"—I’m sure it goes something like that.

Live your life. Don’t give into anyone’s bullshit. Make them chase you.

--Eddie

The Good Guy or the Bad Guy?

2010-05-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been seeing this guy exclusively for 3 1/2 months. In the beginning, things were so intense... the interest that we had in one another was unreal. Hour long talks... date after date... lots of laughs and good times. Our compatibility level is unbelievable. He's a wonderful man in ever way. I no longer see him as a challenge. I know 100% that he's not going anywhere. Although I love the security, I feel like I'm less attracted to him because he makes himself so available to me. I'm recently divorced. I was married to a man who neglected me in every way (complete opposite of my current boyfriend). I'm worried that because I became so use to the neglectful way of life that I lived, that it will interfere with my new relationship. I am so thankful to have this man in my life. I know we could have a wonderful life together. However, there are days when I feel so in love with him, but others when I question the feelings that I have. I've been feeling this way for the past month. I'm just not sure how it's possible for me to go from one extreme to the next, then back... How do I keep this thing alive???

--Baffled Babe
*********************

Dear Baffled:

Victor's Take:

"I no longer see him as a challenge."

Why?

"I feel like I'm less attracted to him because he makes himself so available to me."

Why?

"I was married to a man who neglected me in every way (complete opposite of my current boyfriend). I'm worried that because I became so use to the neglectful way of life that I lived, that it will interfere with my new relationship."

You think???? It is...

Look, you have unresolved issues from your abusive relationship. I'll go a step further and speculate that your parents probably had a strained relationship at best, and an abusive one at most. You need counseling. It seems like you have tried to deal with this / rectify this in your head - which I applaud you for. But, it also seems like you cannot do it on your own. That's ok - most people cannot. I would schedule an appointment with a counselor - psychologist, psychiatrist, etc as soon as possible. You don't want to let the best thing that has happened to you (from a relationship standpoint) walk out the door.

Good luck!

--Vic
***************

Eddie's Take:

Okay, here we go. This is a perfect example of how screwed up we are. We want what we can't have, and we don't want what we have.

Let's paint a little picture---

Two women are talking about men over lunch. The single woman is talking about all the losers that she has dated, and she goes on and on about Mr. Right. I believe it goes something like this...

He is good-looking, dresses nice, he has good teeth and hair, he has a great job, he treats me like a princess, he goes out of his way for me, he talks and listens to me, he is great in bed, he is not abusive, he isn't on drugs or alcohol, etc...

Did I miss anything? If I did, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.

So, how come when a guy has all of those boxes checked off, women get tired of him? What the hell is up with that?

In many cases, women are drawn to a certain type of man. That's why you see women go back to the same guy that beat the shit out of them.

Women love a challenge. You have no idea what it feels like for a guy to be willing to give up everything for the right woman. Then, she gets tired of him because he is too nice. What a crock of shit!

Believe me... I can relate. As a retired asshole, I know that women love the chase. I think you guys always feel like you have to fix a guy, so a guy with issues will always be a project for you to work on. Or, you think you can be the one to get the player to fall in love.

The bottom line is that you have to close your eyes, and picture life 5 years from now... then 10... then 15... and so on. Who the hell do you want to be sitting in rocking chairs next to on the front porch in 30 years?

So, my advice is that you take it for what it is. If this guy is into you, then be happy. Apparently, he thinks you are special. If his kindness starts wearing off, then you know it was an act. If not, then consider yourself lucky to be with a great guy.

For all the women out there, please be happy when you get the type of guy that you have always dreamed of having. And, accept him for who he is.

Okay... I am stepping down from my soapbox.

Regardless of the decision you make, I wish you the best of luck.

--Eddie
****************

Is it Over or Not?

2010-03-21T18:10:00.000-07:00

Dear A3G,

I'm going to try and start at the beginning. First of all, I started dating this wonderful guy in January. I'm 19, he's now 24. We met through a mutual friend and basically hit it off from there. Everything was going good until about a few days before Valentine's day, when he broke up with me, saying that it just wasn't working. (I later found out the break up was due to his not taking his anxiety meds), needless to say, we were back together by the day after Valentines. After that, everything had gone great, I was basically staying at his house every night, and by May I moved in with him. We had our little problems, mostly me wanting sex more than he did, but we figured his libido was whacked b/c of his meds, so he switched to a new one, and things were all good for a while.

Then he got laid off from his job. This is where I'd say all hell broke loose. I had to make the decision to stay in state, or to move with him out of state where he had a job. We had a huge fight over it, and there were several times where he told me that he wasn't going to allow me to move with him. I, of course, took offense to him trying to decide what was best for me, and I eventually convinced him to let me go with him.

So, we moved. He, at this point, was taking care of all the finances, which was really stressing to me. I wanted to help as much as I could, but I did not have a job (I was in college and had a scholarship to cover my expenses), but I planned to get one when we finished moving. I contributed as much as I could out of my meager bank account, and with the help of his mom, we moved and got an apartment.

Everything for the most part was fine, with the exception of me. I was in a huge city(previously from a very small town) and was quite freaked out by the size of the city and the large amount of traffic. It got to where I applied to jobs online and worked on all my school work, and stayed home all day. I eventually got a job that I was at for a few weeks before I just couldn't take it anymore. By this time, he was frustrated by me not getting out of the apartment, and I'm sure he felt claustrophobic by the attention I was giving him. I didn't have friends, family, or really anyone to turn to to get out, and as a consequence he saw me as being clingy.
So, about a month ago, we broke up. I had to stay there for a couple of weeks before I could move back home, and really nothing changed while I was there except the title of our relationship.

The reason he cited for breaking up with me was that he needed time to be alone, that he was "burnt out" on sex, relationships, etc. (he had previously gotten out of a 2 year relationship and had bounced from one girl to another before meeting me) The question I have is, do we have a chance in the future? Nothing has changed really in our relationship, except for the title and the distance. He tells me he loves me everyday, we talk constantly online, and we call each other when we can.

For the most part, it still feels like I'm in a relationship with him, but I am free to find another guy if I want. I'm still hurting from the break up, but I don't see him completely ending us either. He's even told me that he'll make an exception to his rule (never date exes) for me if we find we want to give it another try. Personally, I confused by the whole situation. What do you think?

--Dazed and Confused
****************************

Dear D & C,

Ronnie's Take:

10 months, and it seems the relationship has been all over the map. Relationships only get tougher as time goes on. Little things become big things. The stress of marriage, children, finances... all escalate as the relationship goes along.

Smoke is usually a sign of fire, and in 10 months there has been much smoke. I don't see potential for a healthy relationship here. Move on and cut the friendship tie until you can break loose mentally.

And, always remember the 80/20 rule.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

I think you had a ton of obstacles to overcome before you moved in together, which made the situation five times worse. It's not your job to fix him, doctor him, make him take his meds - that's his job. Your job is to finish school, build a career, and love the most important person in your life - YOURSELF!

I'd make it a rule that no one under the age of 25 is allowed to move in together, no one under the age of 28 is allowed to get married, but THEY won't let me. Look, you are 19 years old. Focus on yourself, school, and career. People come and go out of your life and the ones that stay, stay for a reason. My suggestion is you let this man go. Tell him you love him and that you wish him nothing but the best, then move on. One day, your paths may cross again and he may be a little more stable and you will be a little bit more mature and established. But, don't depend on it. Live your life, love yourself first, and move on. You will look back on this one day and know you made the right decision.

Good luck,

--V
**********

Eddie's Take:

At this point in your life, you really need to focus on what is best for you. If this is "the guy" for you, then your paths will cross many more times in the future.

I am married to a girl that I dated in high school; however, it took 10 years after high school for the timing to be right for us. We actually dated a few times after high school, but the books of our lives where just not on the same page.

We just happened to run into each other about 8 years ago (at Shoe Carnival, lol), and we have been together ever since. Sometimes you have to experience life before you can realize how special someone is.

Just don't lose focus on school. No matter where you end up in life, education will be advantageous to your future.

Have respect for yourself, have respect for him, but, most importantly, focus on the person you see in the mirror.

--Eddie
*************

Guy # 1, or Guy # 2?

2010-02-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What is a girl to do? This is the problem-- I have been seeing this man for about 2 months now, and I really do like him very much, but he is not very aggressive-- meaning he just thinks I know what is going on inside of him. Example... the other night, I went to a friend's house, and he just assumed I was coming over, but the thing is he never invited me, so I didn't go over. I met this new man a few days later, and I did tell this new man that I was still seeing the other man-- I was very much up front, but the other guy has no clue. So my question to you is should I tell the other guy about this new guy? I like them both very much. I don't want to deceive anyone, but this man has never asked me If I was dating anyone else. Just trying to leave my options open. I am a very mature woman, and I don't want to hurt anyone. What should I do?

--Two for Tuesday
************************

Dear T4T,

Ronnie's Take:

It really comes down to a personal decision. I personally see no future with a person that doesn't have good communication skills. It also seems he lacks in passion(life passion, not sexual) some. They seem to go hand and hand.
I wouldn't volunteer the info, but I wouldn't lie if questioned. Men and woman break up and move on rather often these days. It's not the end of the world either way.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

I am a big fan of honesty to a fault. I get myself in trouble for being too honest, but I'm ok with that type of trouble. I have lost out on some "opportunities" in my life for being too honest. That's just the way I live, I'm not changing.

I think you need to do what you think is best. Clearly, this is troubling you, so telling the truth might be best. I also think that there are many women and men that might withhold all the facts / be somewhat coy about the EXACT truth. It has happen to me, on two separate occasions. One time, I started to open my heart to someone I was very close to (not something I do very easily), all the time telling ALL the truth. This women was dating at least two other guys at the same time over the period of a few weeks to months, that I knew nothing about. When it all came into light (which I had to figure out, still not knowing the truth), I didn't feel to good about it.
On another occasion, I again started to fall for someone, again being honest about all the ongoing things in my life. Over a two month period, this person was having a long distance relationship - even visiting once or twice this person in another state. Again, I didn't feel good about it.

Did either of these people intentionally hurt me, or outright lie to me? NO.
Did they withhold the truth and place yet another little ding in my heart - absolutely. I was open and honest on my hand, I just naturally expected the same in return. My mistake, it won't happen again...

I hope this gives you some insight into the direction you need to take.

I wish you all the best.

--Victor
****************

--Eddie's Take:

This is something that frustrates me so much. People always keep secrets, and guy # 1 will always be the last one to know what is going on. For God's sake... tell the guy what is going on. You can never expect a relationship to work if it is being supported by a dishonest foundation. You have to live with the choices that you make. Guy 1 or guy 2... it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you take ownership and stop dragging people along.

--Eddie
******************

I have custody.... now what?

2010-02-09T15:11:00.000-08:00

First of all, we have to give a shout out to the Black and Gold. The New Orleans Saints did it. After 43 years, the finally made it to the Superbowl--- then, they won it! This is a huge accomplishment for the organization, as well as our city. The Saints have been under a black cloud forever, and they have proven that through determination, commitment, and perserverance, anything is possible. Join us in applauding this amazing feat, and we are all looking for to next season.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have recently found myself with custody of a 14 year old boy. I have a 15 year old girl and a 14 year old girl already. I have NO idea how to entertain this kid. Other than violent video games and wrestling with his friends - how do I get a 14 year old boy who has had absolutely no guidance up until this point, to WANT guidance?

--Rated C (for confused)
****************************

Dear Rated C,

Ronnie's Take:

First, you must show interest in his actions. Don't make it a push/pull to start. Come out the gate on his side. Communicate-- because, even 14yr old boys have different likes. You left out sports. Sports would be the best avenue. The local playground would be a good place to start.

The main thing is include him in the decisions of the family. What's for dinner? What's the weekend activities? Communicate -- communicate-- communicate!

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

This is a really good question that I don't have a direct answer to. I think Ronnie and Eddie are going to be the best ones to answer this question, as one has a teenage boy, the other - one close to teenage years.

When I was a teenager, my parents made me get a part time job and sent me to a good school with good role models and solid discipline. I don't know if you have the ability to do that or not, I hope so. The job and the school put discipline in my life and gave me structure - something to keep me busy.

If I could have changed anything about my childhood, I would have wanted more affection - to be hugged more, kissed more, told "I love you" by my parents. I could count the number of times that those three things happened to me in my life on both hands - easily. Show affection - show him that you truly do care about him and his well being, and I have a feeling he might be a little more open-minded about guidance.

Good luck to you...

--Victor
************

Eddie's Take:

It's not often that I use the phrase 'paradigm shift' to describe a situation, but your dilemma is just that. All of the sudden, you have custody of a 14-year old boy; however, your experience thus far has been parenting daughters. Yes, men are from Mars, and women or from Venus... but teenage boys are from an entirely different universe.

To start, I will base some comments on assumptions I have, since you did not give insight as to how his behavior is. I can only assume, that like most teenage boys, you have experienced problems in that arena. If not, good for you.

First, it is imperative that you set clear expectations for your household. This means that he has to understand what he is required to do, as well as the consequences for not adhering to your guidelines. For instance, playing violent video games may not be something you approve of, so you have to inform him of your stance regarding material that may be inappropriate for him. Video games have a rating (just like movies), and, as a parent, you need to review the back of the games to see if you approve of the content. My 12-year old often asks for new games, but we are strict when it comes to games that are rated M (mature). The last game he wanted actually had a disclaimer that it contained drug references, nudity, profanity, and violence. Of course, to purchase these games, you have to be at least 18.

If none of that is an issue for you, the first thing you need to do is develop an open line of communication with him. Let him know that you are interested in his life, which will open up the door for him to communicate with you. I'm not sure of his history, but communication is always a great approach to dealing with anyone.

As far as activities, there are not too many teenage boys that aren't into what he is doing. He is at the age where he is content playing with friends, or alienating himself to his room. There's really nothing you can do about that.

If he likes wrestling, take him to see it when it comes to town. This will show him that he can be rewarded with things that he likes. Just be sure to let him know that rewards like that are earned as a result of good behavior.

The most important thing for a young man to learn is that nothing in life is free. He has to understand that he has to work and follow the rules, because that's how it is in life.

If you care to elaborate more on your situation, I would be happy to offer more assistance.

Good Luck!

--Eddie
*******************

WHO DAT?

2010-02-07T13:51:00.000-08:00

THE SAINTS WILL BE MAKING HISTORY TONIGHT, SO PUT ON YOUR BLACK AND GOLD FOR THE BIG GAME.

OUR CITY DESERVES IT, AND THE TEAM HAS PLAYED GREAT ALL YEAR.

WHO DAT?

GOOD LUCK BOYS!

ASK 3 GUYS

He's with the boss' daughter, but he wants me!

2010-01-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

This is a long story, so bear with me fellas. I went to one of my friends work place about three weeks ago. I noticed a fairly attractive guy there so I asked her about him. She told me he was dating the boss' daughter, and had been for eight years. (This boy is only nineteen, btw.) I didn't bother asking anymore questions, I just let it go. My friend, against my wishes, told John* I thought he was cute. He got my number and called me that night on his way home from work. He explained to me that he wanted to get to take things slow & get to know me. This isn't something I normally do so I told him up front that I wasn't a blow up doll he could use whenever he wanted. He told me he wasn't looking for sex, he really wanted to get to know me. So, I gave him a chance. For about two weeks we spent a lot of time just talking. He explained to me that him & his girlfriend had been together since he was eleven. She was his first love, but they have had a rocky relationship. Over the past two years she has cheated on him five times. Please take into consideration that he works for her family & they do have a child together. After about three weeks, he finally kissed me. Around a week after that, things got sexual. We have been talking for over two months. He comes to see me every night. His girlfriend knows what is going on. He's told her that he wants to break up. (I have heard it with my own ears.) But, still nothing has happened. She won't leave, & he's not going to leave the house he pays for. I'm trying to be patient, but it seems to me like I'm wasting my time. I don't do well with sharing, any advice boys?

--Caught between Business and Pleasure
**********************************************

Dear B & P,

Ronnie's Take:

I've heard the "she won't leave" story on many occasions. It's really quite common. It never ends good. Tell him he knows where to find you when he clears up his situation. He might be a great guy. He might really love you. He'll find a way to solve this to be with you. I promise if he really wants you, he will try harder if he doesn't have you any more, versus if he is still has you waiting for him.

--Ronnie
******************

Victor's Take:

You ARE wasting your time.

She cheated on him FIVE times, and he still hasn't left her? I don't care if he works for her Dad, I don't care if they have 5 children together, do self respect and dignity not have a place in this world?

The dude has no self respect and no self esteem. He needed an advocate - someone to make him feel better about himself so that he can endure the daily grind at work and at home that is his miserable life. You are now his advocate. How's that working for you?

He is not moving out, he is not leaving his wife, and he is not quitting his job - no matter how nice and good you are to him, no matter how good you lay him.

You are wasting your time. Cut the cord and move on.

--Vic
************

Eddie's Take:

You are in a no-win situation until he grows the balls to kick her out. Apparently, he is worried about jeopardizing his job if he ends it. If he chooses to remain miserable to keep his job, then that is his dilemma. Do not allow him to continue getting the best of both worlds. If you keep seeing him, he will think that you are okay with that, and he will never take action.

Just draw a line in the sand, and let him know that you refuse to be on the back burner. I am sure that it will be difficult with him, but you do not deserve to be second to someone that he is not even in love with. If he is worried about his job, then he needs to starting pursuing other career options.

The bottom line is that you just have to let him figure this out on his own. If he misses you, he will be more likely to stop procrastinating. Love is powerful, so just sit back and see what happens.

--Eddie
*************

Am I Stuck on a Merry-Go-Round??

2009-12-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have been seeing this man since March. He is very much an introvert. He does not like to share information about himself. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else. We go about 2 months, then we fight, and we don't talk for about 6 weeks. THEN, we talk, and the same pattern happens over again. My question is, why can someone act as if you never exist? He seems to not care when we are not speaking. I think it is cold. I have tried to get on without him; however, I always want to go back. What do you think?

--Round & Round
***********************

Dear Round & Round,

Victor's Take:

I think you don't care about yourself, for starters. Secondly, you don't pay attention to yourself - your own thoughts and intuition.

Do you want to be in a relationship with an introvert? I'm guessing no...

Being "cold" as you call at or "acting like you never exist" are symptomatic of introversion, are they not?

Love yourself and yourself a big favor, move on.

Good luck to you.

--Vic
*************

Ronnie's Take:

Many people have numerous personal secret issues. Your job is to realize it, and get the hell away. Too many fish in the sea, and life is too short to fight a fight that seems to be a losing battle. Sadly, most women fall in the I'll fix him trap. The truth will hurt many years later when he still hasn't changed.

It's the normal stupid woman plot for some reason. He doesn't care, you can't change that. MOVE ON

--Ronnie
****************

Eddie's Take:

You are correct with one thing-- it is much easier for men for show no emotion when going through break-ups. When a relationship is over, a guy does get emotional; however, he does not show it at all. Most guys just hold in their emotions, unless their are just a sensitive man. I used to be the same way. When a relationship ended, it was like the person was dead to me. I know that seems harsh, but that's how many guys look at it. They simply move on, or stay busy, so they don't think about it. I have seen a few guys get really depressed over women, but they were the ones that were very inexperienced in the first place.

So, if you are seeing a recurring pattern, then just let go. Life is entirely too short to get stuck in a rut.

Focus on finding out who you are, and the right person will fall in your lap.

--Eddie
*************

Why does he smell so good?

2009-12-12T05:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My husband recently started wearing cologne to work. Should I be worried? He used to only wear it when we went out, now it is every day.

--Curious
****************

Dear Curious,

Victor's Take:

No. If that is the only change you see, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

However, if other things start popping up - then it might be time to have a conversation.

He maybe just taking more pride in the way that he looks (smells) when he goes to work. That's a positive thing, not a negative one.

Remember the most important tenet of a great relationship: COMMUNICATION.
Keep the lines open, non confrontational, and non judgmental.

--Vic
**************

Ronnie's Take:

Learn to communicate is the big question here. Ask him why. It could be nothing, but I would just keep my senses alert here.

Comfort him as you ask the question. Don't be mean or accusatory.

--Ronnie
*****************

Eddie's Take:

I would not put much thought into it. Did you recently buy him new cologne. It could be that he really likes the way it smells.

I wear cologne to work every day. Some guys just like to wear cologne. That doesn't translate to cheating. Just talk to him and ask him why, but don't be harsh when you do.

You should actually buy him a bottle or two for Christmas.

--Eddie
****************

Also.... Here's a list of the top colognes for 2009...

1. Aqua Di Gio - Giorgio Armani

2. Cool Water – Davidoff

3. Fierce – Abercrombie

4. Le Male - Jean Paul Gaultier

5. Polo Sport - Ralph Lauren

6. Dolce & Gabbana - D&G

7. Hugo - Hugo Boss

8. Eternity - Calvin Klein

9. Obsession For Men - Calvin Klein

10. Emporio Armani - Giorgio Armani

Do Guys Ever Regret Anything?

2009-12-01T17:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I feel devastaded. I ended my relationship with a guy whom I was close to marrying, but didn't, because at the end, it turned out he was "not prepared", and he would just pick fights, so I would leave him. His school and his music were/are, the most important things to him. So anyhow, I left him 9 months ago. Long time, huh? So, I just found out today that he left law school and moved to a different city to pursue music. HE WOULD HAVE NEVER IN ONE MILLION YEARS DONE THAT FOR ME!!

I do not know how I feel right now. His school was the most important thing, and now he's moving to a different place to pursue music? He would not even move a finger for me!!!

So, please give me a logical explanation!! And, while you are at it, please tell me why guys are so careless!!

Why can you guys have a woman that cares about you and loves you with all that she has, and if the "time" isn't right, you just don't appreciate her!

And, how can you let someone that loves you with all she has just walk out of your life?

DOES THE WORD REGRET EVEN EXIST TO GUYS!!!!!!?????????????????

--One Hit Wonder
****************************

Dear One Hit Wonder,

Victor's Take:

Wow... where do I start.

1) Sometimes love isn't enough.
2) Just because a guy doesn't love you back doesn't make him careless or not regretful.

You said that "his school and that his music where the most important thing to him", but yet, you get all shocked when he moves away to pursue his passion. Why?

Maybe he did you a favor. It seems like you have all of the unconditional (I would disagree) love to give. He was not able to accept it, for whatever reason, so now you have an opportunity to give it to someone who will appreciate it.

Bottom line, you are going to grow up and mature emotionally over the next five to ten years, and you will look back on this event not like a mountain, but a speed bump of life.

Do yourself the ultimate favor: LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, then move forward with your life...

Good luck to you.

--Vic
*************

Ronnie's Take:

You should need no answer. Move on! It's been 9 months. Sometimes people just aren't in love, or have the passion for the same things in life. You really have to release this. 9 months later-- move on. Don't take it personal, it's usually not.

--Ronnie
*****************

Eddie's Take:

Yes-- guys do have regret; however, they do a great job of keeping their emotions bottled up. There is no magic spell that you can cast upon someone to make them fall in love with you. The bottom line is that he chose not to be with you. I'm not sure of any easier way to put it.

Instead of insisting that he did not appreciate you, take time to determine the root cause(s) that aided in driving you two apart. If music was his love, did you support it, or did you constantly complain that you were taking the back seat to it? Sometimes, you can drive someone away by not supporting their passions.

A while back, we had a similar question from someone that was dating an author. She was tired of his traveling, and she felt like she was no longer a priority in her life. The good news is that she understood that the success brought by his book's popularity would require him to travel. In the end, she made sacrafices to make it work, and now she's happy.

When it comes to the things that a man wants to do, the best thing to do is support them. My wife is not a fan of golf at all, but, since she knows I enjoy playing, she buys me golf accessories every holiday.

It sounds like this guy is out of life now, so I would focus on finding out who you are. Find happiness within yourself, and learn to understand that we cannot make someone love us.

--Eddie
*****************

Back on the Grind

2009-11-29T16:04:00.000-08:00

Now that the Thanksgiving break is over, it's time to get back on the grind. Many of you have had time off to spend with your family for Thanksgiving.

We just want to get some dialogue going on how everything went for you.

Did you eat too much?

Are you still munching on leftovers?

Did you do all, or some, of the cooking?

Did you have to spend time with your significant other's family? How'd that go?

Did you go out of town? How did the traveling go?

Did you do any shopping for Black Friday? What type of good deals were out there?

Now, are you ready for Christmas?

Tell us all about it...

We'll be posting a new question with 3 great responses shortly. We just wanted to touch base with everyone, and, if you are new to Ask 3 Guys, be sure to read some of our previous posts to see what we are all about.

Also, don't forget to check out the website. Hit up www.ask3guys.com to read the latest, or you can submit an anonymous question that we will each answer.

With the holiday season shortly approaching, we will be looking into some of the most popular gifts for him and her. Let us know if you already have some ideas on that.

Also, don't forget about our sponsors. Show them your support. Visit their website, or stop by to check them out.

And, in case you haven't noticed, Ask 3 Guys is very close to hitting our one year anniversary. Yep, we just kicked this thing off last December. Since then, we have answered a ton of questions, from all topics. We've learned that no topic is taboo, and no problem is the same. People deal with all sorts of issues, and, hopefully, we have helped to shed a little light on solving their problems. In the process, we've learned a good bit about ourselves too.

So, how do you think we did so far? We welcome any feedback that can help us to improve. We just surpassed 1000 friends, and we get new ones everyday. We also kicked off a FaceBook page that you can be a fan of. Our site traffic has stayed pretty consistent, and it has been great to have businesses interested in advertising on our site.

Remember, we are here to help people, and, as long as questions are submitted, we will keep on answering them. We hope that 2009 has been nice to you, and we are ready to kick off 2010 with you.

As always.... thanks for stopping by!

Ask 3 Guys
Eddie, Ronnie, & Vic
www.ask3guys.com

Can I ever forgive him?

2009-11-20T18:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Can you ever really forgive a spouse for cheating? Can you get past the infidelity and have a strong relationship and marriage?

--Torn
***************

Dear Torn,

Victor's Take:

The short answers – it depends.

Forgiving is not about your spouse, it is about you. The word forgiveness is about self at its core, not about another’s actions. So, can YOU forgive them?

I think there will always be people – both men and women – that cannot, will not ever fully forgive a spouse for infidelity. That’s ok, because there are no wrong answers here. Your feelings and your emotions are yours to have.

I think the important thing here is to recognize what type of person YOU are. Can you truly forgive, or can’t you? If you cannot truly forgive and put it past you, you have no choice – cut the cord and move on. It is the right thing to do. You will never have a healthy relationship, as your underlying resentment will continue to create problems in the marriage.

If you can truly forgive – great. Do so fully and completely. Move forward and don’t look back.

I can tell you 100% of the time (in my experience, from the people I talked to) a spouse doesn’t decide to go out and have an affair for no reason. There are ALWAYS reasons. Get to the bottom of those problems, solve those issues and a happy relationship moving forward is possible.

Ultimately, be true to yourself and be able to admit weakness if it is the case. If you cannot truly forgive, move on! It is the best thing you can do not only for you, but for your spouse as well.

I would forgive my spouse, but that’s me. Forgiveness is a decision you need to make.

Good luck to you…

--Victor
::::::::::::::::::::::

Ronnie's Take:

Yes you can is the first answer. Is it very tough? YES

It takes two committed people. First, the adulter must be completely committed to making it work. The adulter must be completely honest about why they did it. The adulter must be a complete open book. They must be okay with text messages,emails, cell phone records being checked randomly at any time. This trust factor must be regained.

The partner must NOT continue to throw it up in their face. It must be dropped and given a true chance. It must not be the excuse for every fight that comes up after the fact. The partner must allow the adulter to be truly honest for the reason of cheating. NOTHING justifies cheating, but there are factors that can lead to cheating. Some factors the partner can help with. Some factors come strictly within the adulter.

I'll give the example of my ex-wife and I. We both cheated on each other. I was insecure in myself, growing up as a short, fat, shuddering red-head. My ex-wife wasn't affectionate. I took this as rejection and seeked out acceptance where ever I could find it. We both had issues to work on in this case.

My x-wife cheated out of jealousy. I was always the center of attention because of my personality. Even her close friends became very close friends of mine. Her way of getting attention and feeling good about herself was cheating. It was the only way she knew to get them to like her more than me.

We were married for 12 yrs and tried hard to overcome the infidelity. We had some very happy, fun times together as a couple, as we tried restoring our marriage. We forgave, but we couldn't get over our personal insecurities which led to more infidelity on both parts.
Is it possible? YES! Will it take an awesome amount of commitment and openness on both parts? YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!

--Ronnie
::::::::::::::::

Eddie's Take:

Seems like Ronnie and Vic had plenty to say about this one. Since I am the only Guy out of the 3 married, I will try my best to answer your question.

The thing that you don't want to hear is--- it depends. But, it does. We all have a different level of forgiveness. Are you someone that will always feel betrayed because you were cheated on? Does the fact that he cheated constantly monopolize your thoughts? Do you think he still cheats? There are so many questions that you have to ask yourself.

If most of those answers are yes, then I would say that you are the type of person that cannot forgive him. In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to give 100%. He has to work to gain your trust, and you have to learn to trust that he is being sincere.

For me, infidelity would be a deal-breaker. If it gets to that point, I would never want to continue a relationship with my wife. I just couldn't do it.

The bottom line is that we have only one life to live. Don't spend your life in a situation that you will regret when you reflect back your memories. It's not like you can try again. Focus on spending your life the way you picture it. Don't sell yourself short for anyone.

Good luck.

--Eddie
::::::::::::::::::

How do I get started?

2009-11-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok, so I need some advice, and this will be simple for you three lovely gentlemen, I'm sure, as you seem to have been hugely successful in your own endeavor.

Eddie, you know me pretty well. I'm sure you know that I'm very intelligent, but I sometimes have lack of focus and organization, but since I already know you, I'm hoping to get some perspective from all of you.

I want to start a sociologically-based book club (i.e. politics, social & world affairs, physical/emotional abuse, drugs, etc.). I've been wanting to do this for a good while now, but for some reason while reading my emails last night, something clicked inside my head and I had this overwhelming feeling to just do it. I need to get this project started and stop sitting on my ass just thinking about doing it. However, I have no idea how to really get started.

I've posted bulletins on both MySpace and Facebook to see how much interest I can generate, and, while I've had a few positive responses, I have also received a good bit of responses from people who just don't seem too fired up. I was thinking of printing flyers and posting them up around different college campuses in the area just to set up an initial meeting. That way, I'll have a chance to explain, on a much deeper level, my ideas and maybe get some people more interested.

Another thing, I don't have a place to really hold these discussions. A girl I know on student gov't at my school(Nunez) said she'd bring my idea to everyone's attention at the student gov't meeting today, and she said she may be able to convince them to give me a classroom one night every other week.

But, if that doesn't work out, then what? I can't hold too large of a group of people at my house, and parking would be impossible.

I don't want to charge extensive fees, as this is supposed to be fun and sort of like an escape from tedious everyday activities.

Obviously, I have to charge dues, so I can order the books online, but they'll be second-hand from an online bookstore, like Amazon. So how much should the dues be? Ballpark?

Basically, I think I may be in over my head. I mean, I think I can do it, it's just a matter of not knowing how.

Any help or advice you guys could give me would be amazing, and greatly appreciated!

Thanks so much!

KareBear
*****************

Dear KareBear,

Victor's Take:

I too, a while back, tried to start a book club. I love to read and write, so I reached out all of my MySpace friends (at the time, Facebook was in its
infancy) and got ZERO response.

I think you have some good ideas. I think flyers on college campuses is one.
Also, I would continue to reach out to my MySpace and Facebook families.

Don't worry about ordering the books yourself. I would have an option for members to buy their own books or you can order the books for them, only after collecting the money. Why take on more responsibility than you need to?

As far as meeting - I think this is the biggest challenge and may be why a bunch of people are not buying in. People are busier now than they have ever been - school, work, kids... Why not consider an alternative option like an online meeting? GoToMeeting.com is a great site, reasonably priced and here is where you need to collect your dues (number of members / cost of monthly site membership = dues to be collected). Also, by having online meetings, you open your club up to many, many more people...

There is an old saying: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
Don't try to do it all at once, a sense of failure or being overwhelmed will set in. Take it one step, one member at a time.

Good luck to you...

--Victor
******************

Ronnie's Take:

I would go to some social groups and organizations and ask to hand out flyers or give a presentation at the meetings. Flyers at gyms might work also. Also flyers, and help from Barnes n Nobles or Borders. I think they would be happy to help. I would avoid telling them the amazon connection, but, either way, having readers come to their place of business would interest them.

Your biting of a lot just for a fun interest. You must set the prices based on your time invested. Ask 3 Guys was a fun time investment that became a handful with little return. I still enjoy it, but expect that outcome also. Which leads me to you could advertise on the Ask 3 Guys website (we are real cheap LOL).

--Ronnie
***************

Eddie's Take:

Good for you for having the ambition to bring your dreams to fruition. When delving into any new endeavor, it is smart to perform a SWOT analysis to ensure that all factors are considered. The analysis identifies the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats associated with you plan. It sounds like you are on the right track; however, the initial steps required to start something are much more difficult than developing the concept.

With Ask 3 Guys, we were very lucky. Over a few beers, we kicked an idea around about giving advice to people via a website. After looking into it, I found out how inexpensive it would be to start the site. Less than a week later, we went live. Of course, it has not been a cake walk. We have struggled with maintaining the desired amount of traffic, but we are still hopeful.

My caveat to you is that you should not even worry about what your friends or family suggest. Even if they are all for it, their participation would be highly unlikely (I speak from experience with A3G). We have a few close people that have been with the site from the beginning, but most of our avid readers are people we do not personally know.

So, if I were you, I would look into doing something over the internet. Start a small social network that allowed people to discuss the book of the month or something. Websites are cheap, and you can even start it out with myspace or facebook to see what kind of interest you get. Post flyers at coffee shops... that would be a great place to start.

Once you get the message out there, be prepared to put in your time. You never know, it could blow up.

Good luck,

Eddie
**************

Is He Done With Me.

2009-11-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hi guys. I've been dating this guy for 5 years and it seems that he is losing interest in me or doesn't appreciate me anymore. Is it the beginning of the end?

--Leftovers
*****************

Dear Leftovers,

Ronnie's Take:

It's very possible. Limited info on the situation.

What do you want out of the relationship at this point? I'll assume because of you asking that you want to stay in the relationship.

Be non-threatening, and act like it's your idea. You feel that you two have become stagnet and want to change up things and bring back the excitement. Ask him for ideas and then you give some ideas. Make it fun Good luck!

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

It could be.

Have you sat down and communicated your feelings to him, in a emotional stable state of mind? (no whining, complaining, crying, etc.)

If so, what were his answers and do they make sense? I think many women, in attempt to find hope where there is none, overanalyze what guys REALLY say.
Do you listen to what he really says?

People grow apart all of the time, and while in your mind this may seem like the end of the world, it never is. In my experience, I find when one door closes, five open. Not only does adversity make you stronger, but you see the world in a different way.

Sit him down and have the discussion. Don't get up until you have the answers and really listen, don't interpret or overanalyze.

Good luck to you..

--Victor
*************

Eddie's Take:

The freshness of a relationship can sometimes find itself lost after several years. This often happens in marriages-- espectially when we have kids. Try not to nag him about it, since that can actually make things work. Try to understand how much he has going on in life, and, most importantly, just continue to show him what you think he wants. Just please don't nag about it, because it has a counter affect on some guys. In marriage, the 5th year is a tough one. In life, we end up complacent in many things we do. Relationships are no different. If he is over you, then there's nothing you can do. If not, he may just need a little refresher to remind him of what he has.

--Eddie
*************

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

2009-10-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

First of all, I wanted to say that I really enjoy visiting your site. Thank you for introducing me to the wonders of GoGirl! Not sure if I want to use it, but it's nice to know it's out there! I also read the Top 10 Things Every Man Needs to Know. Regarding Victor's Rule #2: Instead of a bar, try spending time at Starbucks, Whole Foods, or even the Mall to meet women. Would you also say this would be a good place for a woman to meet a man? Whenever I'm in Starbucks, Whole Foods, or the Mall, and I see an attractive guy, I think either he's busy or attached. I agree that a bar is not an ideal meeting spot, but usually it's easier to start a conversation there. What are your thoughts on a woman approaching a man who might be busy shopping? Is that too bold? I look forward to your answer and I'm also a fan of Ask 3 Guys on FaceBook.

--Juliet
*******************

Dear Juliet,

Ronnie's Take:

It would be refreshing. Come off very soft as though it's not normal for you, but as though you are working on your openness. Did that make sense? LOL You have nothing to lose and probably would never see the person again... unless he was interested too!

--Ronnie
****************

Victor's Take:

Go for it!!! A few things...

A man's ego needs to be stroked, even in the lightest ways. See him looking at a product on the shelf? Walk up and ask him a question about that or something that you picked up. "Excuse me, have you ever tried _____ before?"
You want his opinion and value it = ego stroke!

A guy at a bookstore or a coffee shop reading a book, "Excuse me, I was thinking about picking that book up. I have heard some good things. What do you think about it?"

It's easier to start a conversation at a bar because we are all buzzing and our defenses are down.

Look, I think I am very confident person. My friend told me one time, "You make coffee nervous." Another offered this opinion, "You have more game then Milton Bradley." I'm STILL a little nervous anytime I approach a woman! I think this fear is mostly unwarranted, back from your school days when kids were just mean to kids. Today, people - men and women both, don't want to be mean to each other. So, chances are, even if that stranger you approached wasn't really into you, they don't want to be mean. Take a chance!

Good luck to you!

--Vic
*************

Eddie's Take:

First, thanks for your kind words. We are glad that you have enjoyed our responses. And, as far as the GoGirl, I would keep it at arm's length.

In response to your question, of course you should attempt to strike up a conversation with someone that you would like to meet. As people, some of us fear rejection; however, that is more likely in the male species. The good thing about you approaching a man is that is what we would love. Far too often, guys have no clue if a woman is into them, so it would be a nice surprise for guys to get noticed. I seriously doubt that you would get any negative feedback. And, who knows, you may end up with a lifelong friend... or even more.

--Eddie
**************

I sent you an IM, but you didn't respond

2009-10-14T17:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been really flirtatious with a friend online (which I don't really see much, only sometimes). We flirted a lot online (really a lot). The thing is that, recently, he doesn't speak to me the same as before, and I don't know why. I've tried to ask him why this is, telling him that maybe his msn was wrong, but he only said "haha yeah maybe". What can I do? Do you think I'm too dependent on the internet?

--IM Girl
*****************

Dear IM Girl,

Victor's Take:

Maybe something changed in his life that he doesn't want to share with you.

He might have a girlfriend or the like. He should be honest and upfront about those things, but unfortunately - people withhold the truth all the time. It's happened to me numerous times, and, although I know that in their heart their intentions were good, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You cannot force him to tell you.

On another note, I think the Internet is in some ways effecting our social skills overall. If you spend your whole life online, how can you have a decent set of social skills? It sounds to me like you might be falling into that trap.

Remember, life is all about balance and moderation.

--Vic
***********

Ronnie's Take:

Seems like he views you in a different light now. Almost judgemental. Maybe he viewed you as a good girl and now he knows your bad-- LOL. You busted his fairytale, and that's his hangup.

Move on, next!!!!

--Ronnie
*************

Eddie's Take:

Yes, you are too dependent on the internet. Do yourself a favor-- stop analyzing things so much. It is not uncommon for someone to appear interested, or even single, when you are talking to them via the internet. My take is that he was busted by his girlfriend, and now she is monitoring his internet behavior. Sounds like you are making this way bigger than it really is. You guys flirted online, now it is over. You did nothing different, so he is the root cause. Just let it go. Don't fall for traps like this. Instead, focus on finding happiness within yourself. People make stupid decisions each day. Learn from them, move on, and improve your shady-character-detecting-skills.

--Eddie
***********

Did I Say (or Txt) something Wrong???

2009-10-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I broke up with my ex 4 months ago but it was over a long time before we offically moved out of our unit and went our seperate ways. It has now been offically 3 months since the actual moving out and moving on.

Anyways I met someone who i have a lot in common with. It was amazing and while i wasnt realy wanting to get into another relationship (this last one was 5 yrs long and included an engagement) I was finding myself wanting to spend time with this person and I suppose just see what happened in time.

This person i therefore started to 'see/date' was very into me but i explained my past relationship and how i wasnt 'ready just yet'-- he was ok with this. He became very smitten though and would txt/call a lot and we would hang out once or twice a week. Over this time i began to get to know him and saw we had so much in common, he made me laugh and through his txts and phone calls encourged me to let my guard down a bit. He told me he had feelings for me a few times and in the past couple weeks and I told him i felt the same which i did but we both agreed to just take it as it comes. we have not had sex btw.

so anyways he has an ex gf who he had a 'one last time' with and she became pregnant. she is on a student visa and is from a poor country. he broke up with her as she is very mean and not a nice person (his words not mine). her visa issue runs out at the end of the year. This info did not bother me to begin with as we were 'just friends' but now obviously it is a big complication as i now have felings for him.

anyways so after 'dating' him for 5 weeks he tells me she had given him an ultimatium: to get back with her and she will stay in our country or she will move back to her home country on the other side of the world and have their child there. I know all of this is true btw. and i understand her point of view as she is pregnant and has no family here etc. he does support her and take her to dr appointments etc but does not want to be with her as they tried for a very long time and she was never willing to work with him on things etc.

so as soon as he was given this ultimatium (which he told me about as it happened) i felt worried for him and pretty sure he would go back to her. I was scared of getting hurt but knew this was a HUGE issue and whatever decision he made i would fully support and understand. He kept telling me how amazing i was and i telling him. We both seemed to really like one another. I did back off a bit as to let him have some space to 'think' about his decision. It was hard knowing whether to give space or not. He had to make the decision that night as her parents wanted to book the ticket.

The next day he txt me saying ' i hope i didnt make you angry last night talking about ex'. I replied saying 'angry? no, not at all. of course not. i love that your being honest with me etc etc'. and i honestly wasnt angry at all! we txt back and forth a bit more, him telling me he was so confused, didnt know how to make the decision, he felt it was the end but couldnt be an ass to his kid. his heart was confused. he hated himself etc etc. i tried to offer support, told him to not hate himself and that it was a hard decision and i hoped he would be ok etc. we then just txt about every day stuff and things seemed ok for the situation anyways.

anyways i didnt txt him at all next day and he didnt me as he had an ultra sound with the ex. at 4pm the day after that he txt me saying 'do you hate me yet? sorry been crazy couple of days". i wrote back sayin of course i didnt hate him and that i knew he had a lot on his mind and that is why i was giving him space and asked if he was ok. he did not reply.

to be honest i started thinking negative thoughts like, ok he's back with ex because he had to make the decision by the other day and he just doesnt know how to tell me its over etc. I wanted to be supportive but was scared he was back with her and just not letting me know as it was NOT like hi at all to not txt me and def not like him to not reply but i know he had a lot on his mind, yet it still made me feel uneasy as i do have feelings for him.

so the next morning i txt saying ' im confsed,whats happening, i hope everything is ok...'.

i know, i know bad idea! just my negative thoughts had got the best of me! He did not reply.

that night i sent a txt sayin 'hey...ok i get the hint'. Now i honestly did not mean this as sarcastic as it sounded. i meant it like ok, u can ttell me its over, i get it;/ i was more sad then anything.

no reply until the next day around 2pm where he said 'k. so so sorry. had power surge at my place last night , killed almost everything..so so sorry....'

i txt back albeit quite a few hrs later ( i was in meeting alllll day) sayin 'sorry, phone was off, what r u sorry for?" again, no reply.

the next day i wrote him a txt sayin that i just wanted him to be happy and i knew he had a lot going on and that if he didnt want to see me /talk to me i would understand because his position and to just let me know. i said i hoped things were ok and if i didnt hear from him i would figure he didnt want to see me/talk to me. no reply.

again i didnt mean this sarcasticly, i was just trying to make it easy for him.

This has been a really hard situation as i have told him i hate talkin about stuff over txt as i am not good at it n worry things can b misinterpreted etc. It has also been hard mostly because i didnt know what to do, to give him space or not, to just wait until he contacted me even if weeks later, and i also didnt want to bother him as he had so much on his mind yet i worried it was over and he just wasnt or didnt know how to tell me (this has happened to me many times in past).

Now i feel incredibly selfish for sending those last two txts when he has so much on his mind.

do you think this is why he as not got back to me? he thinks im selfish?

in the past i have told him that i refrain from talking about how i feel at times as i dont want to put more stress on him etc. he told me i should always tell him as my feelings are valid too.

he has gone from txtn/callin me few times day every day saying things like 'your beyond amazing' 'you make me smile too much this is happiest i been in so so long' etc to just not replying but i kow he has a lot on his plate but at same time i worry im just not getting the hint, you know!?

so i sent him another txt sayin ' im just worried, r u ok? just its not liek u to just not reply. have i done something wrong? if i have im sorry, i didnt mean to, if u thought i didnt/dont care, thats wrong cos i do. if you cant see me again i understand but know i will be sad n wish it wasnt the case but of course totally understand! I just want you to know i miss you, think your amazing, i thought i had nothing left to give after last rship and i found myself giving with you and it was so so nice. i hadnt been happy like this in long time, i just want you to know if you ever need/want me im here'.

no reply.

now everyone had told me he just wasn t interested didnt know how to tell me. but I really didnt thnk he was that type person....he chased me, encouraged me to put my guard down saying how amazing i was, kissing me for hours n then sayin 'i so have feelings for you' saying how i made him smile all time at work, how suportive i was etc etc. how i was what he wants in girl n all the boxs were ticked etc etc.

i worry i have screwed up a good thing by being paranoid and pushy.

a couple of guys have told me a guy can get put off easily by a girl and that turn off can be as strong as the original turn on and that its over.

i wish i had of just given him space and waited for him to tell me. it was my guy friend originally who said that his txts about having crazy couple of days and so sorry power surge etc we're his ay of letting me down gently. thats what encouraged me to send thos last two txts about where we stood etc kinda fing.

was i way in the wrong? am i a selfish person? we're his non informative txts letting me know it was over n i was right to send those last two txts as a result?

i feel so bad n selfish n unsuportive!

is it definetly over? he last txt me a week ago friday so now week n half ago.

is there anything else i can do? i know i cant txt him anymore etc as already on verge of stalker hahaha, but if i have just made him mad and thats why hes not talking to me is there anything i can do to show i didnt mean harm or whatever? can i /should i apologise?

thanks for any advice. I really appreciate it!!!

--Longwinded
*********************

Dear LW,

Ronnie's Take:

Wow I think you win longest question. LOL. Paranoid fit pretty well. You did nothing wrong. He was in a tuff situation and handled it the best way he knew how. Who knows what decision he made, but it obviously wasn't you. Having that guard up is bad. Learn to roll with things. Make sure you love yourself first and foremost. Remember you never thought you would meet this guy. Guess what? People say that all the time and meet somebody else. People feel like when relationships end, they can never go on. Guess what? Millions of people break up and fall in love with someone else again. It might take time, but it will happen. Think back to all the ex's you were in love with. Is it the end of the world? No... of course not.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

This is a text (pardon the pun) book example of why texting about feelings and emotions and having long drawn out conversations about them just shouldn't be done. It is so easy for things to get misconstrued. But, in this case, that was not the problem. You were not selfish and you did not do anything wrong. I would have picked up the phone and communicated, but I don't think it would have made a difference in this case.

He is back together with his ex. No more texts, no more calls... let it lie and move on. I know it is going to be difficult, but it is the right thing to do. This man is not a bad man, but has an understandably conflicted heart and he needs to deal with that completely before he can focus on anyone else.

I wish you all the best going forward...

--V
**********

Eddie's Take:

Man, you have a lot to say. This whole texting thing is such a pet peeve of mine. Pick up the freaking phone an call. Texting and this Gen-Y shorthand lingo has stripped us of actually having an intelligent conversation. I use texting to say a few things, but what is wrong with picking up the phone. That way, you don't have to worry about your message being misconstrued (sorry Vic, I see you used that one too).

So, get over the lol, omg, lmao, btw, n whtvr elz it iz dat smz so gr8 bout txtn.

As far as you and the immigrant-banger. Just let the dude go. Sounds like the timing is way off for you guys right now. Be there for support, but don't chase him-- it actually looks desperate and tasteless to guys. Work on being strong and confident in who you are.... the rest will fall in to place.

BTW... A3G duz not answr qustns submtd by txt... L-O-freaking-L.

--Eddie
**************

My Ex-boyfriend

2009-10-02T15:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Three days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend TJ because he was just treating me badly. He's in the closet, big time. He was raised as one of those Jesus freaks, so it was hard on me anyway. I know I kind of ruined the relationship because after that heres what happened. I felt bad because I broke up with him spur of the moment, and he said he didn't want a relationship for a while. Well this was strange but I went along with it for a few hours, then I asked if he still felt the same. Since I did I thought it would be cute for him to say that. He then said that he has no love for me anymore. Well I thought that was crazy, so I got mad.. WAY mad. I told all of his friends he was gay (he's 19.. and not out >.>) including his room mate. They were all really cool with it, and I proved it to them. (pictures, information) So I talked to him that day about what I did. He then went on to say that god had made him straight. That in itself is the biggest crock of shit in the whole world. I think about it and I see where I went wrong, but I want to fix it! I was talking to his room mate about it last night and he said he would try to talk to TJ, but all TJ says to anyone is "I'm not gay!" So I'm not getting my hopes up.

I would like to have you guys set me a plan to get him back, I really want him back >.<.
He was my first for EVERYTHING, and even though I wasn't his first, and when I think about him with other people it makes me sick, I still care for him.. Can you please help me on what to do? He's one of the most important people in my life.

--Guy
************

Dear Guy,

Victor's Take:

I imagine there was a time before you were “out” and kept your sexual preferences secret. How would you have felt if someone you knew, cared about, or even loved did the same thing to you? I’m guessing devastated.

There were already major roadblocks in your relationship with him – “Jesus Freak”, the fact he was not “out”. Remember, everything in life happens for a reason. Maybe, just maybe, that occurred here.

If you want to get back with him, I would recommend writing him a letter – for starters. Share with him the things you mentioned in your question. Be honest and open, be apologetic and vulnerable… most importantly, share with him how you really feel about him. See where it goes from there.

Good luck…

--Vic
***********

Ronnie's Take:

This is a reason so many people are stuck in bad relationships-- The fear of loss drives people to do strange things.

First, you complain how miserable you were with him. Then, all of a sudden, you can't live without him. You seem to be young. BREAK this behavior now. I promise you that you will meet somebody else that you think is great over a matter of time. He has too much baggage for a 19yr old. RUN from a relationship with him. Suck it up for a few weeks. You will miss him, and all the cute things he did. Keep him as a friend... ONLY if you would like.

This is all a great part of growing up.

--Ronnie
**************

Eddie's Take:

Guy, readers, people, world.... Get this through your heads... YOU CAN'T FORCE SOMEONE TO BE WITH YOU.

I just don't get it. You totally threw this guy under the bus by exposing his gay card. Coming out of the closet is a big step for gay people, and to have it exposed against their will is just not cool. Anyone in their right mind would be pissed at you.

Now he has to constantly defend his sexuality to his friends and family. Did you think that maybe he just wasn't ready to open that can?

Sounds like you may have dug too deep of a hole this time. All I can say is give it time. Let the smoke clear, then try to communicate with him.

If he's done with you, move on. Don't become a stalker.

--Eddie
**************

Go Girl...

2009-09-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have an itch and an odor downstairs, and I have been using the Go Girl product. Do you think it is the cause of my problem? At this point, any information is helpful and needed urgently. I can't take the smell! Do you think others can smell it too?

Please help!

--Go Girl
*******************

Okay everyone,

Befor we answer the question, we want to make sure that everyone understands what the Go Girl product is. Of course, we had to research this one, and we were definitely surprised. Why would a woman need this anyway?

Here's some information from the Go Girl website:

Ok, so what’s a GoGirl?

Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to urinate while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic.GoGirl is easy to use. Just lower your panties, and put GoGirl against your body, forming a seal. Aim and, well, pee. Pretty simple, huh?

GoGirl fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment. It’s a must for travel and sports. And it’s great for everyday––no more crouching over or trying to cover up an unsanitary public toilet.

While the concept may be new to you, European women have used female urination devices for years. GoGirl’s not the first device of its kind. But try it. And we think you’ll agree it’s easily the best.

Only GoGirl is made with flexible, medical grade silicone. Dispose of it after use. Or clean and reuse as you like. (Urine is sterile, but the product can come into contact with contaminates during use, so take precautions when cleaning.) Our patented splash guard eliminates messing and spilling. Once you practice a time or two, using a GoGirl is going to feel like second nature. You won’t be like a man. You’ll just pee like one;">**************************************************

Dear Go Girl,

Victor's Take:

I had to look up the GO GIRL product online, I tell you... who knew?

No, this is not the cause of your problem. You need to see a gynecologist immediately.

My best friend who is a nurse thinks you might have a case of bacterial vaginosis. This is an infection that occurs when the good bacteria is overcome by the bad bacteria. It can cause odor, discharge, frequent urination, etc. and can be resolved with a prescription vaginal cream that will be given by a doctor. Your doctor will give you a test to determine if this is your issue.

Go to the doctor!

Good luck,

--V
************

Ronnie's Take:

I don't know of a direct corelation between the two, and I can't find any with some research. I would stop using it and see if the smell and itch go away. First and foremost though, see a doctor. It could be dangerous and will definitely ruin your sex life.

--Ronnie
**************

Eddie's Take:

Yes others can smell it. If you can smell it, they can smell it. I, honestly, had no clue what the Go Girl was, and I was blown away when I went to the website. Is it that important to pee standing up? Do you actually carry this thing in your purse when you go out. My obvious take on this is that the device is dirty. I don't know what kind of cleaning rituals you have, but any left over urine, or germs in general, can result in the growth of bacteria. Then, you are using this thing over and over again. Hello-- that is just foul.

So, be like the rest of the women, and learn to hover. Or, go places where they have cleaner restrooms.

No one likes it when someone's special place is smelly, so take care of it. See a doctor, because you probably have something going on in there that requires their expertise.

Adios!

--Eddie
**************

Student-Teacher Affairs

2009-09-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am a 21 year old college student, and I may be having an affair with my professor. It started when I saw him in the local coffee shop and asked what kind of format his exams were in (multiple choice, essay, etc.). He said he had some old exams in his office from the previous semester to help me prepare. So the following day, I went to his office, we began chatting about trivial things, like my major and college life. He is only 28 years old, single and fresh out of graduate school; we had a lot in common. Soon, we began regular study sessions at the local coffee shop (other students were included most of the time). Recently, I began spending more and more time at his apartment-- just watching tv, cooking dinner, studying, and sometimes I fell asleep there.

My college strongly discourages student-teacher relationships, but has not adopted a policy to prevent it.

I'm not receiving any favors. We definitely have established a separation between our school relationship and personal relationship. I didn't do so well on his first test, and that just made him want to help me more. The age difference is only about seven years. I have friends with much bigger age gaps between their partners. He will only be my professor until the end of December. Should we stop seeing each other until I pass his class?

Part of me says I should end this. But the other part of me says I have never met a man that has made me feel so good. He tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent. My last boyfriend never went to college and truly wasn't that smart. So it's nice to have an intelligent conversation with someone you like.

I have only been seeing him for about six weeks. There has been no sexual advances (He refuses to even kiss me until I let him know I am ready for that next step). He constantly tells me that if I ever feel uncomfortable, we can stop hanging out. But, I never do. We end every night together with a hug and a kiss on the cheek or forehead.

The attraction I have to him just gets bigger and bigger every time I see him. I really don't want it to stop.

--Teacher's Pet
*****************

Here's what the Guys think:

Dear T.P.,

Victor's Take:

I know I might catch some flak for this answer, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. Nothing. If I were in the same position, I would absolutely go for it.

I think you need to tread lightly and watch your boundaries - keep school and your personal time separate (no different than an office romance), but I say - go for it. It is hard enough in the world to find someone you click with, and have that true deep connection. Also, it sounds as if you have a very mature way of thinking about this situation and are handling it perfectly.

I say - keep on keeping on. Be careful, respect each other's space, keep school time and personal time separate... and have fun.

Life is too short....

--V
********

Ronnie's Take:

You both seem mature enough to handle this. One college course out of your life time shouldn't hold back a relationship with such great potential. In the big picture, neither of you have ill intent for the relationship, and, come December, it will be no issue anyway. No big deal here.

--Ronnie
**************

Eddie's Take:

First, I really never understood how someone under 30 even qualifies to be a college professor. Nothing against this guy, but he has plenty of life experience to gain. If I were Dean for a day, I don't even think I would consider hiring someone that would be too close to the same generation as the students. It sort of leaves too much of an opportunity for-- well, you did ask this question, right?

So, to your question-- do what you have to do. So far, both of you have handled this in an extremely mature fashion. However, the school would frown upon you hanging out at his apartment just as much as they would if you were having relations. The line has already been crossed, and he is the one that has much more at stake here.

The best thing to do is to walk on eggshells if you want to continue to hang out, but it would be best to hit the pause button until you finish his class. You don't want to get yourself into a "no pussy-- no pass" situation.

All in all, it sounds like you met a decent guy, and the age difference is not even a concern for me. Focus on your studies, pass his class, and rock his world for Christmas!

--Eddie
****************

************************************************************************
It's that time again! Here's our Special Guest for this week!

Saishokukenbi is one of our dear Myspace friends, and she is an top supporter of Ask 3 Guys. So, today, we offer a woman's perspective!
**************************************************************************

Saishokukenbi's Take:

Actually, I can answer this one from personal experience. My father was my mother's accounting professor in college. He was far older than her. Their relationship, as I'm told, did not commence until after she had graduated, but, even so apparently, some cast aspersions when the relationship became known. Sometimes, it's not so much whether there is wrongdoing, but that there is the appearance thereof. Just because there is no rule prohibiting it, doesn't mean there aren't real ethical considerations that could cost him his job, or her the chance at her education. There is nothing to say they can't date AFTER the semester is over. Better yet, perhaps she should just drop the class and take it under a different professor in a later semester. The reason this is probably the best solution is that, if she gets an "A" or any decent grade in the class, no one will ever believe she earned it. Is she prepared to live with that? Also, is what they have strong enough to survive the type of backlash that might follow? A lot of relationships aren't. And, last but not least, if this relationship is worth having, then it is worth taking the time to do it right. Why chance losing something great by cutting corners? My advice would be take a step back, clear away all the conflicts, and then you can proceed with a clear mind and heart. Now, from the dude's perspective, although he didn't ask...my answer is "ah hell no dude. What are you thinking?" There may not be a student/teacher dating policy, but I'll be willing to bet a large piece of swampland there is a sexual harassment policy. What do you think is gonna happen if she gets a bad grade, or you dump her for the next cute student. Don't go there. Now, having said that, let me conclude in a more gentile manner, with essentially the same advice. If this relationship is worth having, it's worth taking the time to do it right. Remove the conflicts before you proceed. If not, you will always have that little voice in your head telling you all the ways this could end badly.

--Saishokukenbi
*********************

Am I Just Being Too Picky?

2009-09-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok guys, its been quite some time since I last asked for advice, but I have another question for you.

I'll have to start by saying a little about myself, so you can understand the situation a bit better.

I demand perfection in absolutely everything. I am very critical-- quite possibly the hardest person anyone could make friends or have a relationship with, because I find every fault there is that exists. I point things out and expect change, and I am just as ruthless with myself.

Last year, I came across someone with everything I'd say was perfection:

She's passionate, gorgeous, mysterious, magnetic, loyal and we've made really good friends.

Now, here comes the problem-- She talks openly about sex. She's just so vulgar and dirty, which, to be honest, really gets on my tits. I don't mind it in private, but she just talks about it casually to anyone, as if there's nothing wrong. I just cringe inside constantly at it. Is there any need. Aren't some things just better left not talking about? I mean, sometimes, I have my kinky moments, but I tend to keep that side to my private life. It just all seems a bit sick.

Advice Guys-- what do I do? Because, I don't want to end things. If anything, I want to take things further, but I don't get the impression she's going to change if i mention my dissatisfaction.

I've never met someone with so much charm, and so much to like, so I definitely want to make this work-- no matter what it takes...

--Picky Nick
****************

Dear Picky Nick,

Ronnie's Take:

First, only you can control how you feel. What makes you right about the appropriate way to talk about sex? That is a personal feeling. There is no right or wrong. Until you learn about compromise, you will never make a relationship work. How would you feel if she was to say "Nick, I can't believe how insecure you are about talking openly about sex"? See my point?

Remember the 80-20 rule. Does she make you happy 80% of the time?

If so, move forward. If not, move on.

--Ronnie
-------------------

Victor's Take:

People change for themselves, rarely, if ever, for anyone else. Communicate - share with her that her open and frank talk in public about sex bothers you.

If she changes, she will do it on her own accord. Don't force her to change.
Doing so will only create resentment, and my man, resentment is the #1 Relationship killer.

Good luck...

--Victor
-----------------

Eddie's Take:

First, I want to take a moment to address your obsession with perfection. You will continue to be let down for the rest of your life if you do not get over it right now. I used to be the same way. You could show me a million-light Vegas strip display, and I would comment about the two bulbs that were burned out. In relationships, I would always nit-pick over the most trivial details. A girl's laugh, the way she smiled, etc. I was kind of like Eddie Murphy on Boomerang. One day, you will learn to value people for who they are. Because-- let's face it-- none of us are perfect.

Relationships are all about compromise and toleration. We compromise to please our significant others, and we learn to tolerate the things that they can't control.

So, for the open talk about sex-- just let her know how you feel. Ask her, when you are alone of course, if she could tone it down a tad. Just be honest with her. Let her know that sex is a private part of your life, and you choose to keep it that way. If it continues, either let her go, or learn to tolerate it. Also, try getting her to agree on a signal you can give her when you are feeling uncomfortable. It may sound corny, but it works for some couples. When she gets on a sex-talk tangent, give her the nod, and it will bring her back.

Best of luck to you.

--Eddie
---------------

School, work, life.... Where do I fit in?

2009-09-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Here is a little background information for you:

I was dating this guy "J" and things were going real well for about a month and a half. We just kind of fell into a routine, and it was working wonderfully. He is in school for a degree in Electrical Engineering (not the easiest thing to do, esp when working a full time job). And, he's one of the unfortunate people that go all year round, because they go part time. Summer semester began, and all was well. We didn't see each other nearly as much, but it still was working for me. I understand that school comes first. All of a sudden, one day he decided that he could not do a relationship, school, and work. So, I do the right thing and take a step back. J recently told me that he does care about me, and thinks about me all the time, and wants me in his life, BUT can't balance a relationship. I see a lot of potential in this man. I have very strong feelings for him. But, I don't know if there ever really is a point to waiting.

The Question:

If someone really wanted a relationship, wouldn't they find any means to make it work? Where should I go from here?

--Pushed Aside
******************

Dear Pushed Aside,

Victor's Take:

The answers to your questions are:

Yes.
Let him go.

It's that simple.

I have a plethora of female friends that have gone through this - a man who is non-committal for any number of reasons, whether valid or invalid. My answer is always the same - when a guy is truly into you - the "butterflies in the stomach", the "can't get you out of my mind" feelings... Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is going to stop him - work, school, whatever - from being with you.

I think he is just not that in to you, and that's okay, because you know why?
Everyone deserves someone who is THAT into them. Let him go. Maybe your absence will make him realize that you are that important. He's not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination, he's just not there yet - and may never be.

I wish you all the best...

--V
*******

Ronnie's Take:

What's important to people change quite often. Sometimes even daily. I would tell him not to put labels on you two, and just go with the flow. You understand what he is going though. There will be no pressure to further this relationship until he has handled his responsibilities. Don't read anything into his indecisiveness. That usually comes when a person is under stress. Be supportive. T ell him you just want to have fun with no expectations in the meantime. Hope when he comes out on the other side that it will work, but be prepared if it doesn't.

--Ronnie
**************

Eddie's Take:

Plain and simple-- let him go. Don't try to pressure him to be with you. I can relate to the toll of school, work, and life all being juggled at the same time. I still do it, and it is tough.

However, I do know how powerful love is, and, if he really wanted it, he would do anything to be with you. So, part of me feels that this is just an excuse to let you down gracefully. Personally, I think it is a cop-out.

Just let him do his school thing, and you focus on being happy-- whatever it takes. I keep reiterating that people do not make us who we are. We have to define our characters, as well as our happiness, for ourselves.

In the end, I would thank him for the good times, tell him not to be a stranger, and wish him the best of luck.

--Eddie
***************

Our Views on Marriage are Different

2009-09-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been with a man around three years now, and while it was rocky at points in the beginning, we are finally at a good place in our relationship, and have been for some time now. That is, until we were talking last night and the 'M word' was brought up (Marriage).

I was married once before, but it didn't last past so many years because my husband at the time decided he didn't really want to be a husband anymore. Fine; I moved on with the positive outlook that someday, I can and/or will meet another eventually who WILL want to be married. Being with the man I'm with now, I made him aware a while back to the fact of what I see for myself in the future (marriage and a family). He knew that about me. Last night, he finally tells me that he doesn't go for marriage at all.

He's bothered by the fact that I was married before and brings it up in conversation every once in a while and I take great offense to it. He says he just doesn't believe in the paper, I think that is just his excuse because "I've been 'had' already by another man, and am no longer a desirable candidate to marry". He claims that isn't the case and that he can spend the rest of his life with me and have a family, he just doesn't need the paper to do it. He's stated that if marriage does come around for us, it wouldn't be at least until our mid thirties (were in our mid twenties now), after we have had our children (but I've said I refuse to have children outside of marriage, so where's the middle ground there).

If he loved me enough to spend the rest of his life with me, why NOT give me the paper? I would feel ridiculous years from now calling the father of my children my 'boyfriend', or any other title women have to give their partners who won't marry them instead of my husband. I'm not religious or traditional, but in this case, I am. What should I do about our situation?

--Hope
***********

Dear Hope,

Ronnie's Take:

Well, I've been married before, and could care less if I get married again or not. It truly just is a piece of paper that seems to change things. I have been living with a woman I love dearly for 2+ yrs now. I show my love and dedication in other ways-- no paper needed. The big difference is we already have all the children we need (LOL). When it comes to my children, it would be important to me if I know I loved the mother and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. My first child was born out of wedlock, but we were not sure yet if we would stay together. It's real simple here. At your age, and the plans for kids, he would have to have a real solid answer as to why to not get married. Not just I don't go for marriage at all. Communicate as that is always the most important thing. If he has no good logical answer then RUN and run fast. Sounds like some underlying issues there.

--Ronnie
*************

Victor's Take:

I find it incredibly hard to believe that in three years of a relationship, marriage did not once come up in your conversations. I'm going to take some liberties here and make a supposition that marriage did come up, but you thought you could change him.

A tangent here: if I could give every woman on the planet one piece of advice when it comes to men is this-you cannot change a man. EVER.

The ultimate conundrum of relationships is this: at the moment a woman falls in love with a man, she is ready to mold him into and change him into the perfect man. At that moment a man falls in love with a woman, he never wants that woman to change.

If what you say is true and you shared with this man early on that you wanted to get married have children and now he is reneging on the deal, I have a major problem with that. Communication in relationships should happen often and should involve honesty. Clearly, this does not seem to be the case in this instance. Without knowing more information, I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you were married once before. I think he might be using that as a negotiating tactic to get you away from being married again, not that you are used or damaged goods... Or anything like that. He's just trying to fortify his argument, so I would not take that as a personal attack on you.

What you have to ask yourself is simply this: is not getting married a dealbreaker for you? If I am reading your question correctly I would assume the answer is yes. Obviously this is a man who has no interest in getting married and has over and over again made his case against marriage. I have to admit, I completely and wholeheartedly agree with him. But, that is an opinion for another time and another place.

If it is a dealbreaker, it's time to draw your line in the sand!

--V
*******

Eddie's Take:

He really needs to get over his issues. He is probably one of the people that thinks everything is overrated. He probably hates Christmas and other holidays. Seems like he has some built up issues.

I would iterate the benefits of marriage to him. Is he employed by a company that has insurance and other benefits? Are you? Questions, such as these, are important when you think about having a family. Doctor bills, finances, buying a house, etc. There are many areas that would benefit bother of you if you two were united. However, we all know how hard it is to change people.

Let him know how you feel about marriage, and my guess is that he will mature over the next several years. You said that you were in your twenties, and that (statistically speaking, of course) is not the best time to tie the knot. Many marriages fail in this day and age. Why is that? There are a million reasons.

Be thankful for the joy that you have in your relationship. Take each day as it comes-- carpe' diem, if you will. Don't pressure him about the issue-- Guys do not like to be pressured. Just focus on being a wonderful mate to him. If he values your love, things will work out.

P.S. Don't ever feel like you are tainted merchandise because you were previously married. Don't allow him to degrade you like that. We all make mistakes. Those mistakes aid in defining our character. You are not some piece of clothing with a discount tag that someone returned to Macy's.

--Eddie
**********

And, here is a response from one of our friends. Every once in a while, A3G will have a Guest Spot, so here's his take:

Faust's Take:

For many people, the institution of marriage leaves a bad taste in their mouth--it might be because of personal encounters with bad marriages, perhaps parents, siblings or friends, or it might be because they are generally distrustful of any institutions. There is also a common sensation of unease about marriage, either because of stories of perfectly good relationships that somehow change once they've been declared official or a feeling that society is intruding on a relationship by giving it a label and a seal of approval. Keep in mind that some couples are very successful and happy with marriage under common law (which will, of course, vary from state to state).

The point that gives me pause, though, is that it seems his attitude is a relatively new thing--you've been dating for years and his opinion has only arisen now that marriage was brought up. If so, it feels like he may be hedging his bets.

No matter, it's important that both of you be honest with yourselves as well as one another. First, try to look at it from his side: What is so important to you about the piece of paper, about the words "husband," "wife" and "married?" I would also ask him the same question (what is wrong with that paper and those words) as well as an inquiry about what would be different when you are older; why would it be ok when you are in your 30s but not now?

If your relationship is good on all points but this, examining why this point is so important is crucial--it might be a manifestation of a deeper issue.

--Faust

**********

Caught between friendship and a hard place

2009-08-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have a guy friend with whom I am very close to. We've spent numerous occasions together, countless hours delving deep into our minds, bodies*, not to mention sharing and learning from each other.

As of now, being an item is not in question, but he is aware I have feelings for him..very valid and logical feelings. He's told me as well he feels the same, but it's just not happening.

About once a month he sends me packages in the mail, of things I ADORE; books, music, art, etc. AND, every man I suggest to him I might be interested in, he steers me clear of, "I am too good for them" will always be the reasoning.

We are simply good-close friends mind you, but I can't help but feel he's got hidden context or other motives.

What do you think? Would you treat someone this way if you were/weren't interested in them?

Or is he buttering me up and possibly just being selfish?

So confused over here.

TY in advance!

--Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed,

Ronnie's Take:

Sounds like there is more to the story. His actions sounds like something a gay guy would do. Maybe even a married guy that just can't end the relationship. How well do you know him? Investigate some more. Push the envelope. Tell him you are thinking about getting serous with someone. Make him respond. If he doesn't, value his true friendship, and keeping looking for a Mr. right that wants you.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

You say bodies*, but then you say no sex... I'm confused...

The guy has feelings for you. Why he has not moved things to the next level, I cannot be sure. Have you had sex with him?

It is time to stop beating around the bush and have the WTF conversation with him. Be nice, calm, even-keel emotionally and share with him "What is going on here?" Don't stop talking until you get an answer, even if it is one that you are not happy with.

Without more details, this is the best answer that I have.

V.
********

--Eddie's Take:

Have you ever seen the movie Clueless? Well, here's a quote from Murray that sums it up-- "Your man Christian is a cake boy!"

Sounds to me like this guy is a certified homosexual (i.e. turd burglar, ass bandit, shit stabber, bone smoker, donut puncher, etc.).

If not, maybe he is just too scared to express his feelings towards you. If you appear "out of his league", hiding his feelings is a means of protecting the friendship. If you have had talks about being together, then that theory is out the window.

Here's my advice...

Give him the quick and dirty on what you want. Tell him that you are tired of being confused, you have deep feelings for him, and you would love to move forward with a relationship. (Take sort of a "shit or get off the pot" approach.) If he fails to move forward, then start dating! That's all you can do-- express yourself, and give him the opportunity to jump on it (no pun intended at all there).

Good Luck!

Let us know how it turns out.

--Eddie
**************

Girl on Girl??!!!!

2009-08-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Why do guys like girl on girl action? And, why are girls in catholic school uniforms so appealing to guys?

--Spanky
*************

Dear Spanky,

Ronnie's Take:

Guys like anything involving sex. The uniform can mean many things. Innocent to some, stuck up (we like to nail the stuck up girl HARD!!)LOL, or a bad girl. Guys have wild imaginations. We turn anything sexual. Girl on anything--- and, we like it!

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

I think both men and women have fantasies about things that are "dirty" or "outside of the norm"... I use these terms in quotations because everyone has a different opinion on what "dirty" or "forbidden" might be.

The school girl uniform represents the ultimate "off limits" experience. It is and will continue to be a popular choice for adult Halloween celebrations everywhere and guess what? It is not going anywhere anytime soon.

Girl on girl action... let me walk this tightrope as delicately as I can. I think women are the most beautiful things on the planet. I like the way they look, smell, talk, feel, laugh... I like it all. So, when I see two beautiful women kissing, or more, I start thinking about the Double Mint commercial - double your pleasure, double your fun... Also, much like the school girl outfit, girl on girl action is not "normal" to many. Hence, the desire to experience it.

Since the beginning of time, and long after I'm gone and until the end of time, humans will continue to seek things that are forbidden - that are "naughty". It is not going anywhere anytime soon...

Don't get too worked up about it. Just because a guy likes school girl outfits or girl on girl action doesn't mean he cannot have a beautiful, healthy, normal relationship. It happens every day. I suggest you share your fantasies back...

--V
*********

Eddie's Take:

The things that turn people on... hmmm. We could go on for ever talking about this one. To me, girl on girl, or the catholic school uniform, rank pretty innocent on the abnormal scale.

I agree with Vic on the uniform thing. The catholic school girl depicts innocence, a taboo if you will. Some guys are turned on by things that are viewed as forbidden. If you delve into the world of what turns people on, your mind would not stop spinning.

Here's a sample of a few things that definitely strike me as being weird:
(Reference: http://treebeard31.blogspot.com/2007/08/weirdest-turn-ons-ever.html)

• Ailurophilia: sexual attraction to cats

• Acrotomophilia: love of amputation or amputees

• Autonephioplia: sexual arousal from diapers

• Phalloorchoalgolagnia: sexual arousal from receiving a painful blow in the male genitals

• Coprophilia: sexual attraction to feces

• Formicophilia: sexual attraction to insects crawling on parts of the body

• Emetophilia : sexual attraction to vomit

• Toonophilia: sexual attraction to cartoons or anime characters

• Eproctophilia: sexual attraction to flatulence

• Stygiophilia: sexual pleasure from the thought of going to hell

• Transformation fetish: sexual arousal from depictions of transformations of people into objects

• Urolagnia: sexual attraction to urine

• Xylophilia: sexual attraction to wood

So, there are some pretty freaky things out there. The bottom line is that everyone involved is consenting adults. For some couples, there are no limits. So, basically, there's someone out there for everyone-- I guess. Just don't break the law.

--Eddie
*************

Boys, Boys, Boys...

2009-08-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

So, I was with my boyfriend the other night, and we were talking, and his phone kept ringing and ringing. So, I asked him who it was and he said that it was no one, which made me mad, so I didn't talk to him. Then, he said it was just his ex girlfriend. I said WHAT THE HELL IS SHE CALLING FOR? He said man I don't know....but, that night, I was thinking something is suspicious, so I called him and asked him if he still had feelings for his ex. Of course he said no, but the next day I found out that he calls her all the time and he still likes her so I asked again "do you still like your ex?" Now, he said man i don't know...it made me so mad because I am in love with him, but why waste your time with someone that has feelings for there ex..it sucks, but I don't know what to do. I WANT HIM TO GET OVER HER, but i don't know if he ever will. I feel like nothing to him. I don't understand what I did wrong this time. It's like I'm a target to letting guys hurt me, because that's all that has happened to me lately, and I just want someone to care about me. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to be loyal to me. I just don't know whether I should end things with him or not. He says he wants me to stay, and that he loves me, but I don't know because every time I'm with him now I'm going to be thinking of him and his ex girlfriend getting back together.HELP!!

--Lost Girl
******************

Dear Lost Girl,

Ronnie's Take:

First, don't look to anyone else to complete you or make you happy. Learn to be secure in the person you are. Learn to realize you and many many other people get let down in relationships. It's not the end of the world. You will live and just like you fell in love again, you will again in the future. The ex thing is a deal breaker with me if his is lying about it and admits to still have feelings for her. Move on to number next. A liar is no one to build a relationship with.

--Ronnie
****************

Victor's Take:

"I WANT HIM TO GET OVER HER but I don't know if he ever will I"....

You seem like a young lady. So, I am going to give you two pieces of advice that I want you take away and use forever:

1) No woman EVER in the course of human history has changed a man. EVER. Men change when they want to change, not when a woman wants them too. Stop trying.

2) Don't even think about getting married until you are at least 30.

With that out of the way, this guy doesn't feel the same way about you that you do him. You deserve at least that. Move on and go get the next one.

Also, I have a feeling you attracting those types of men (hurting you) because you are trying too hard. Stop trying - let them come to you.

Have faith my dear; you have a ton of life to live still and many hearts to break...

--V.
**************

Eddie's Take:

Here's your problem... you are trying way to hard. If you allow yourself to be a target, then you will always be one. A vulnerable, weak girl is the worst thing that you could be. Be strong in who you are. This guy is one of many that you will meet throughout this journey of life. I'm sure that you have many more miles to go, so focus on the things that are important. Don't be a girl that thinks a guy makes her. Define yourself, walk with happiness and confidence, and you will see that guys will pursue you. Stop being so desperate. Don't be a victim. It's time for you to step up and be a strong woman.

--Eddie
**************

How to Deal..... Urrrggghhh!!!

2009-08-04T14:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have a co-worker who is a great friend. She seems, at times, to say a lot without thinking. She also has a way of wording things completely wrong. In passing, she said things about one of my childhood friends. It got back to her then me. I confronted her, and she got very upset and said she was going lose me and my friend as friends. Explaining what she meant, I believe her. The other friend believes the one who told her. Now, I cannot get my two close friends together, and I feel weird when I talk about work to the other. Being that the other comes up in the stories. In anger, when confronted, she text the source and he let my other friend read it all. Did I say she words things with out thinking? So, there is no explaining to the childhood friend. How do i deal with the situation? I work with one and see the other a lot. And how do I have any gatherings if i can't get them in same place?

Thanks.

--Rock and a Hard Place
****************************

Dear Rock and a Hard Place,

Ronnie's Take:

We deal with stupid situations all the time. My friends' circle is laughable with all the drama. People take things in life so personal when it usually isn't. You must get the her who made the statement to communicate with the other friend. Then you did NOTHING wrong. Talk about what you want with each one. Invite both of them to go to events and let them sort the stupidness out. Don't play into the drama. Move the conversation elsewhere as they complain about the stupid drama. LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR DRAMA PEOPLE!!!!!!! People do and say things to make them happy in the moment. How can you fault someone for that? It wasn't personal. Ask yourself, have you done and said things you didn't mean or make something major that really wasn't that important to you?

--Ronnie
***************

Victor's Take:

It would seem that your friend that says things without thinking and who also words things completely wrong would appear to be the problem. I'm not saying launch her, but - talk to her. Let her know - "Hey, you are off base sometimes. I love you, but...." Maybe, just maybe you can get the two of them in a room together and get them talking. The first sentence is always the hardest, the rest - always flows nice and easy after that.

Isn't it amazing how much drama we have in the world and - 80% of the time, it is over absolutely nothing?

There is your question back...

I hope it works out.

--Victor
*************

Eddie's Take:

Oh my God! You are actually worrying yourself with this bullshit. I am so sick of hearing about people fighting over he said- she said bullshit. You did nothing wrong. They need to get over it. Just be yourself, and if they can't get along, oh well.

It's like when someone cuts you off in traffic. You can be pissed all you want. You can flip them off. You can do whatever you want. Guess what? They are still driving as carefree as they were when they cut you off. What I'm saying is don't get your panties in a bunch behind something that is out of your control. Worry about the things that you have direct control over. Two people's miscommunication and bullshit is not your problem.

I have seen this over and over again, and it is a damn shame that people act like they are in grade school.

Tell them that you are not going to entertain this, and if they have a problem, they need to fix it.

UUUrrggghh..... how to deal is right!

I'm out--

--Eddie
**************

Disrespected Lady

2009-07-30T18:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am a 44 year old whose husband (49) of 14 years (7 living together followed by 7 of marriage) is verbally abusive to me. At times he is the sweetest, most charming man; then he just picks fights with me for no reason at all.

Not only is he disrespectful, he especially does it in public. His own friends have told me that they don't like the way he talks to me, but do not want to get involved. And I don't blame them for that.

I have just left him to go live with my daughter in KC and he still doesn't get it. He thinks that I am just being a brat and will get over it.

Do you think he will ever see the light and treat me like a lady that he loves. Or is he just a lost cause.

--Disrespected Lady
*************************

Dear DL,

Ronnie's Take:

First, let's handle the public disrespect part. Every time, without fail, when he disrespects you in public say " well maybe if your dick wasn't soooo little (whether it's true or not) _______ (whatever he is complaining about) wouldn't be a problem! He'll get the disrespect in public problem real quick. It's not too lady like, but will make the point you need to make. Next, to stay or go? Follow the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If not, move on after you make it clear what your issue is.

--Ronnie
*************

Victor's Take:

I don't think anyone is a lost cause, just like I don't believe anything is impossible.

But, you cannot change your husband. He has to WANT to change. I assume you have shared with him that his behavior is unacceptable and hurts you on numerous occasions. But, for whatever reason, he continues to do it. I also assume that you probably feel like maybe you had some hand in him acting this way - that, it may be on some level your fault. It rarely, if ever is so don't beat yourself up about it anymore.

My guess is that your husband has deep, underlying emotional issues from his childhood or early adulthood that he has never dealt with. He needs to get help with this, but you cannot force him. Nor, is it your responsibility to fix him or feel bad for him. The responsibility to change his behavior is his and his alone. Maybe one day he will see the light, but that is up to him not you. Everyone deserves to live healthy, happy lives.

--Victor
***********

Eddie's Take:

There's a thin line between love and hate. It seems that the people that are the closest to you are the ones that can hurt you the most; however, to intentionally do it is uncool. I find that people are usually guilty of something when they treat their spouse like that. I'm not even talking about cheating. He could be watching porn and masturbating when you are not home. Then, he feels guilty, so he acts out. Just a thought...

To fix this, you need to tell him how you feel. When you do ___________, I feel ____________. Let him know that his actions have an impact on your feelings. If he doesn't get the point, I would suggest going to therapy. Maybe an unbiased third party could shed some light on it. If not, give him an ultimatum, but be sure that you stick to your guns. If you say you are done... be done.

Nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect. Be strong.

--Eddie
****************

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Where Did I Get Sideways?

2009-07-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Well I think I done fucked up. So here is the deal. I respond to post on your page all the time under a different name. Little Native. But she is gone, old page, bad Karma.

So I met this man, on line.. yeah ok what ever. It was weird because I thought my profile was unsearchable, and I had not used in in months... Turns out he knows my son, through the police academy. My son gave him two thumbs up, keep in mind he hates everyone. So over the course of several days we talk, e-mail...you know the drill, we meet for coffee late one night, then lunch a few days later.

I have certain things I like in men. Very specific things. He was more than qualified. I called our dates big waves and lightening. Just a chemistry I have never felt before. We had great fun together. And he knew that the past year I had been recovering from a very unexpected break up. The timing for me was good, and for him as well. So yup I slept with him.... spent the weekend with him... And it was amazing....

He works funky hours, I seen him this past Thursday, more of that good stuff... He said he would talk to me on Friday..No call, I had the icy feeling in my chest, I sent him an email and said maybe I made an error, maybe we should have been more thoughtful... I told him that if it was just a sex thing he should have said so. Even though in our conversations he said he wanted to settle down, His daughter was raised, his new job secure, time to get on with the rest of his life. We were on the same page in our lives.He sent me a text that went something like this. "Work called me in early, in ICU with inmate, phone was dead, forgot charger." OK so kill me now...

So now, yup I am in the dog house he will not speak to me, and wow, it is killing me. So what the fuck???? I thought I had all the damn answers... I will leave this one up to you and the all knowing readers. Any questions ask. Sorry so long, but I hate it when people do not put in enough info.

--Jane Doe #516

Dear Jane Doe #516,

Ronnie's Take:

A simple re-explanation of your actions. Text him or email him that you jumped the gun. You are a little new to the dating game again and let all kind of things run through your head. All the horror stories of your friends. Explain the chemistry you felt. Tell him no would like to start dating again with no expectations-- just casual and start over. Tell him you are learning and growing, so it would be great if he would give it another try.

--Ronnie
*************

Victor's Take:

You both sound like mature, honest people. So, BE HONEST....

Tell him you fucked him. That you overacted and that it was a mistake. If he likes you, he will forgive you. If the chemistry that you say is there, really is - then it should be a no-brainer for him. It would for me.

I think he probably thought you were overacting because of your recent breakup (i.e. - "she is lumping me in with all the bad men, etc."), and he took it personally. Pick up the phone and call his ass and apologize to him.

Sounds like a good thing - go fight for it.

--V.
***********

Eddie's Take:

Let him know that you had a bit of a defense up as a result of some of the assholes you dated in the past. You guys sound like two mature people that have been through their own difficult journeys. It seems like you had such a great connection, and, perhaps, you came across a bit crazy when you couldn't get in touch with him. That must have scared him. You need to get a face-to-face with him again. Try to have dinner or coffee with him, so you can look him in the eyes and open up to him. Don't go for drinks, and don't do it at his or your house, because that will only lead to sex, and you have to iron this out before you go there. Sex would only be a false fix. Just talk to him, and be honest. Let him know you screwed up.

You can make this work.

--Eddie
***************

A Family Needs Your Help

2009-07-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

Instead of answering a question, today's post is for a dear friend, who's family is going through an emotional roller coaster.

Here's a little history...

Cindy and Patrick, a newly married couple, wanted nothing more than to bring a new life into their family. For over 18 months, they tried and tried to get pregnant. When they were finally successful, Cindy had a miscarriage. Determined to have a family, they continued trying. Six months later, the couple found out that they were going to be the proud parents of not one, but two babies--- yep,twins!!!

Cindy and Patrick, along with their tightly knitted family, knew that this was such a blessing. Without any complications throughout the pregnancy, the family had no reason to believe that they would be facing any problems. However, when she gave birth last week, things did not go according to the plan.

Cindy gave birth to two beautiful babies-- Bryce Nicholas and Mallory Elizabeth Fuller. Bryce, a healthy baby boy, weighed in at 7lbs and 15oz. Unfortunately, Mallory, weighing only 5lbs and 7oz, experienced major complications upon her entrance to our world. Upon taking her first breath, Mallory's lungs tore, and she immediately had to be hooked up to machines to stay alive.

Mallory was transported to Oschner hospital shortly after her birth, which did not allow her mother to be with her. While Cindy stayed hospitalized with Bryce, Patrick made the decision to follow his baby girl. After further testing, it was discovered that Mallory's kidneys had no function, nor could she breath on her own. After hours of trying, the decision was made to disconnect her from the machines.

Only experiencing 23 hours of this world, Mallory touched the hearts of this loving family for a few hours, and now she's gone.

I can't even begin to fathom how Cindy and Patrick must feel. How do you celebrate the life of one child, while mourning the loss of another? Though Cindy is saddened by the loss of Mallory, baby Bryce needs her to be a strong mother. Cindy's family is working together to ensure that this unfortunate event is as painless as possible for Cindy.

As you know, with death comes expenses. After 9 months of preparing for life, Cindy and Patrick must face the inevitable-- burying their little girl. So, Ask 3 Guys is asking for your help. Funeral expenses, of course, are not cheap. So, if you could help with a small donation, your generosity will go a long way. This young couple could use the help, so we are asking everyone to visit our site, http://www.ask3guys.com/, and click the "Donate" button on the left of the home page to assist Cindy and Patrick. We will issue the family a check after the donations are received.

Even though the donation feature on our site uses Paypal, you do not have to have a Paypal account to use it. You can simply donate using your credit card or debit card, and you can be confident that this is a 100% secured transaction.

Thank you so much for helping, and be sure to tell your friends and family about this unfortunate event. Our prayers are with Cindy and Patrick, and we want to do everything possible to help them out during these unfortunate times.

And, by the way, Bryce is doing great, and we know that Mallory will always be looking down on him.

Best Regards,

Ask 3 Guys

Romance from the male's perspective

2009-06-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I was just telling my boyfriend yesterday how sexy I think he is when he is focused on some thing important, how hot he is when he's working, how cute he is when he smiles, & how adorable he is when he laughs.

I also find a way to let him know that I love his ass almost every day. lol

Yesterday, I gently touched all of my favorite places on his body & as my hands approached each area I said some thing nice about that spot.

Do you think it will make him cocky if I do this too often?

--Ego Booster
*****************

Dear EB,

Ronnie's Take:

It always feels good to hear good things about yourself. You can't get enough and no harm can come from over telling him. Nobody will break up with you for over-complimenting them.

--Ronnie
************

Victor's Take:

I think it is possible to be overly nice... everyone is different.

I want someone who is going to challenge me and also someone who is, in a constructive way, going to point out my imperfections and laugh at them with me. I'm 135lbs soaking wet. If I'm with a woman that says, "I love your hot body!" I'm going to see right through that crap. It would be nice to hear though... LOL!!

Simply put, life is all about moderation. Don't overdo any aspect of it, including being too nice.

--Victor
*************

Eddie's Take:

That is a tough one-- well... maybe not. Of course it is nice to get compliments. Actually, it feels pretty damn good. Think about how it would feel to be on the receiving end of your body part journey. I'm sure that it would tickle your fancy.

However, I do think there is a point when you can go overboard. Just remember one thing-- keep it genuine. Don't do it just because you think you have to. Do it because you want to.

--Eddie
*************

Too Confused over Two

2009-06-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have been dating this guy for about three and a half months now. He is really great. He respects me, hears me out, and just has an overall fantastic personality. He is 2 years older than me. I really like this guy, and I don't want to end things with him anytime soon, but there is another person that I am friends with, that I am starting to develop feelings for who is also 2 years older than me. My bf knows we are just friends, but gets incredibly jealous when he sees me and my friend together. 2 of my friends have said that this guy likes me, they say they can tell, because he smiles when he sees me and when I'm around him he always has to touch my shoulder, arm, or back. I'm starting to see this myself. I want to be with him, but I REALLY do NOT want to end things with the guys I am currently with. I don't know what I should do.

--Too Confused
*******************

Dear TC,

Victor's Take:

Ahhhh... the quintessential "The grass is greener on the other side conundrum"....

Knowing your exact age would help me to guide you in answering this question, under 25 / over 25 - I would have different advice.

Your boyfriend gets jealous because he senses - and accurately so - that you have feelings beyond friendship for your friend.

Although this won't be a popular answer, I'm rolling with this:

You never mentioned you loved or were in love with your boyfriend. Also, I'm also going to assume that you are under 25, I'm guessing 20. Based on those observations & assumptions, play the field. Break up with the boyfriend, after telling him the truth, and move on. I think you should stay single until you are 25, and not even think about marriage until 30. Again, I know
- not going to be a popular answer, but - it is what it is.

Your responsibility here, in my humble opinion, is to the TRUTH. You are already hiding things from your boyfriend - this is not fair to him. Not to mention, I'm sure it cannot be easy to walk around hiding the truth. It's time to fess up.

Or, you need to completely walk away from the "friend", cutoff all communication, and never look back - still telling the boyfriend the truth and explaining to him that from this point forward you are committed to making things work with him. Based on your question, I don't think you can do that. So, I'm going with Option A for you.

--Victor
************

Ronnie's Take:

First, I will assume the current relationship is exclusive. You can't have your cake and eat it to. The good news is you only have a few months into the current relationship. Are you willing to risk losing the current bf for a chance with the new guy? You can try to explain to the current bf that you want to see other people and him also. You enjoy your time with him, but just aren't ready to rule out all other people. That could really mess up your current relationship. Use your heart. Make the best choice you can. Ultimately, it's just a feel thing with no right or wrong. Enjoy having two interesting guys interested in you. Communicate as best you can and always be honest, even when negative results can come from it. It will be worse later to explain out of a lie (I mean don't cheat on the current bf).

--Ronnie
************

Eddie's Take:

I'm assuming that you are still a teenager, so don't beat yourself up over this. The best thing that you can do is to not concern yourself with the emotions of others when making a decision that is best for you. Don't worry about hurting the current guy's feelings if you want to be with someone else. If you were really into your current guy, you would not even be asking us this question. It sounds like the new guy is giving you positive attention, and, perhaps, he is filling a void that they current guy is incapable of filling. The bottom line is that you have to be happy with your decisions. Unfortunately, none of us can tell what the future holds.

Make your own decision... just be aware that you have to be able to deal with the consequences. There are no guarantees in life. So, just weight out your options, and hope for the best.

--Eddie
************

My Old Man is Cheating and Lying

2009-06-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have been dating this guy for over a year and we have a son together. He has an ex that he dated for 4 years. I knew that he was talking to his ex, but he says that they are just friends. I told him that I don't want him talking to her, because she is nothing but trouble for him, and causes problems for us. He says he doesn't want her. She tells me that they are still sleeping together. I know that she is obsessed with him and will do anything to break us up. He has admitted to sleeping with her because he got to drunk and she was around, but he says that is the only time they did anything. He claims he wants to be with me, but he still talks to her. We even switched phone numbers, so she would not be able to call him, and she now has his new number. Should I believe her when she says they are still sleeping with each other or him? My gut instinct says she is lying because she says things, like the reason he talks to her is because he loves her, and one day when she sent him a text with I love you, I sent a text back with the same and she wrote back "his name" is that you. So that tells me he isn't telling her he loves her like she is saying. I'm so confused, because he has admitted to cheating and I don't know who to believe-- the obsessed woman or the admitted cheater? Please help if you can.

--Baffled
**************

Dear Baffled,

Victor's Take:

Before you take any advice from me, try marriage counseling...

I think it takes a certain type of person to forgive a cheater. I think there are some people that are just incapable of it. I'm ok with either angle, but you have to know which one you are. If you are the former, great.

If you are, however, the latter - punt. If you cannot forgive - completely, it is time to move on.

If you forgive - he needs to cease all contact with his ex and do whatever it takes to make that happen. No excuses.

I am a huge proponent of keeping in touch with exes. I have talked about it ad nauseam in both my answers to these questions, as well as in my personal writing and blogs. We he had sex with his ex, he gave up his right to retain contact with her and still be in a relationship with you. Just my opinion...

I will, however, go back to my original point. If you cannot forgive him, don't stay any longer. The relationship won't work.

--Victor
***********

Ronnie's Take:

Clearly some grey area here. The main thing is moving forward. He must stop all contact with her. If he doesn't have an interest in her, and is committed to you, then he can handle it. I don't think he can, because she wound up with the changed number. Unless she has an inside contact(i.e. another close friend of both). If there is smoke, there is usually fire. I see fire. If you are worth it, he will drop all contact with her. He should be an open book and allow you to check his phone calls and texts and emails if he wants to regain your trust from cheating on you. It's probably move on time.

--Ronnie
************

Eddie's Take:

I'm sorry to break it to you, but this guy sounds like he is playing you. If he changed his number, why the hell would she have it? There could be a slight possibility that she is a crazy ex that is stalkerish, but I doubt it. Plenty of times an ex will seem like a crazy stalker, but what we don't see is that the person they are chasing is leading them on-- a false sense of hope if you will. This sounds like the case. He frequents her, he has sex with her, he talks to her... all of which sends her the message that he wants her. This is why she continues to pursue him.

Tell your beau to shit or get off the pot. If I were you, I would just move on. I know that with a child it will be very difficult. If you are a person that easily forgives, then you can give it a shot. If that is the case, both of you have to agree that it is water under the bridge. Don't stay for the wrong reasons.

Best of luck to you.

--Eddie
**************

He cheated. Can I ever forgive him?

2009-05-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Can you ever really forgive a spouse for cheating? Can you get past the infidelity and have a strong relationship and marriage?

--Torn
***********

Dear Torn,

Victor's Take:

I talked about this before in another question... I think the guys answers here will be varied. Here is my take:

I think there are two types of people in the world.

1) Those who can TRULY forgive their cheating spouse.
2) Those who can't.

If you are #2, move on. You will live your life with an underlying resentment that will undermine everything that occurs in your relationship.
Period, end of discussion.

If you are #1, still go to marriage counseling. It will help you to get to what you are once again looking for - a strong and healthy marriage.

I wish you all the best.

--Victor
***********

Ronnie's Take:

Yes you can is the first answer. Is it very tough? YES, It takes two commented people. First the adult-er must by completely commented to making it work. The adult-er must be completely honest about why they did it. The adult-er must be a complete open book. They must be okay with text messages,emails, cell phone records being checked randomly at any time. This trust factor must be regained. The partner must NOT continue to throw it up in their face. It must be dropped and giving a true chance. It must not be the excuse for every fight that comes up after the fact. The partner must allow the adult-er to be truly honest for the reason of cheating. NOTHING justifies cheating, but there are factors that can lead to cheating. Some factors the partner can help with. Some factors come strictly within the adult-er. I'll give the example of my ex-wife and I. We both cheated on each other. I was insecure in myself growing up as a short, fat, shuddering red-head. My ex-wife wasn't affectionate. I took this as rejection and seeked out acceptance where ever I could find it. We both had issues to work on in this case. My x-wife cheated out of jealousy. I was always the center of attention, because of my personality. Even her close friends became very close friends of mine. Her way of getting attention and feeling good about herself was cheating. It was the only way she know to get them to like her more than me. We were married for 12 yrs and tried hard to overcome the infidelity. We had some very happy fun times together as a couple as we tried restoring our marriage. We forgave, but we couldn't get over our personal insecurities which led to more infidelity on both parts. Is it possible? YES! Will it take an awesome amount of commitment and openness on both parts? YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!

--Ronnie
***********

Eddie's Take:

Very tough question. It is easy to offer my opinion, but this dilemma paints a different picture when the life you have with your partner is the only one you know.

So, if asked to give an answer, it would be no. That's just my opinion. For me, it would just be too hard to let go of the fact that someone else had stolen the sacred bond that was mine. I have a zero-tolerance for infidelity. I think that all is lost if it ever gets to that level.

However, I have seen many couples work through your situation. Both parties have to agree to put what happened to bed (no pun intended), and the love between you has to be strong enough to prevail. The only way it will work is if you truly forgive him. Without that, you will never be able to give him 100%, which is required to have a fruitful relationship.

I wish you the best.

--Eddie
***********

Do you think he ever wonders what if?

2009-05-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hey guys! I just found your website!! It's actually really cool! Every girl out there wants advice from actual guys! So yeah! It's going to be well recommended!

So, here's the scoop!..

I was with a man for a little over 2 years. He was my perfect everything. I loved him more than anything! I did practically everything he wanted. Needless to say, I was head over heels crazy in love with him. My parents did not like him; neither did most of my family, but I was determined to be with him, because I loved him so much.

Our relationship wasn't the strongest-- I admit! We always had our issues, but I know I helped him out in several ways. He returned to school for me.

We would break up all the time-- well, actually, he would break up with me, because "he didn't like a lot of things about me, and maybe I needed to change them". The relationship got so bad, there was even domestic violence involved. Yes, he hit me. Not all the time, but maybe a couple of times.

We went trough several things together. I knew he loved me, but I just didn't think he was committed.

So one time, we got into an argument, and he hit me. It got bad, so i decided to end it. I moved with my parents, (they lived in another country) so I basically left far!.. So, 3 months later he contacts me, says he is truly a changed man, wants to live the rest of his life with me, is so sad I left his side. There was probably more to that, but to make the story shorter, I left the country I was in! Literally left my house and went to go live with him. (this is the first time we lived together). So, everything was good, and we had less fights. I fought against everything to be with him. All my family turned their back on me. My parents were mad, uncles, aunts, friends, you name it, everyone was mad that I had made a stupid decision like that. We were only living together, and we had our first argument, he suggested we should think about living together twice ( I couldn't believe it! After all I had left and done for him). But, I ignored it. I wasn't going to give up that easily! So, then the second fight happened. He suggested the same things. I was so angry! I told him that one more time and I wasn't playing games! I really wanted to be with him, but if he didn't want to then OK. We were about to get married (nothing fancy, just city hall). Then we got into a huge argument, and he told me to leave. I was really tired of it!-- and humiliated. So, i got my stuff and left. He let me go, knowing that I had no where to go-- no money, no car! He practically did not care! He did not try looking for me. Actually, he only sent me an email saying that I had just lost the best thing of my life, and never worried about me again.

A couple of months have passed, and I found out from a friend, that he is asking if I am ok. Could it be regret? Could it be that his conscience is kicking in?

Of course, I would NEVER get back with him. All I want to know is WHY!?

Did he get cold feet!?

And, is he going to regret it?? Will he ever wonder what if?!

I just want to know what is inside his head.

Thanks,

--Twinkle
***************

Dear Twinkle,

Ronnie's Take:

I'm just speechless. You're an idiot to even care. I'm all about second and third chances, but, sooner or later, call a spade a spade. He is very unstable, and you need to just run and never ask about him again. Did you reread what you wrote? I'll recap-- he's a crackhead, but when he's not on crack we get along. He's on crack 80% of the time, but I love him. My god-- imagine having to raise a child with someone so unstable. Who cares if his unstability is in the good zone and missing you. Run what's in his head is he's an asshole!

--Ronnie
*************

Victor's Take:

You are going to look back in 10 years and realize this - him asking you to move out was the best thing that ever happened to you in your entire life.

Now, I would normally get into the relationship dynamics and why things aren't working out at this point. But, I cannot, and to do so would be futile. You lost me at, "He hit me."

Let me put this as simply as possible - unless a woman is robbing your house and has a gun or knife to your head threatening imminent danger, there is no reason EVER to hit a woman. The first time he hit you, you should have launched his fu**in' ass! But, hey - that's just me.

An acquaintance of mine, her name is Tracy, has a favorite saying - "No looking back; Spaceships don't come equipped with rearview mirrors."

Move forward, and aim for the stars my dear...

--Victor
************

Eddie's Take:

The unfortunate thing is that you wasted so much time on this douche bag. Love is a complicated thing, and sometimes the ones that we dearly love are the ones that hurt us the most. However, I do feel that everything in our path of life is relevant. It may not make sense to you now, but one day you will understand the butterfly affect that this had on your life. Hopefully, you are in a much better place now, and you have closed that chapter of your life.

As far as what's on his mine, here's my take...

He has issues with wanting what he can't have. Before I say I had similar characteristics, let me clarify something for the readers--- I have never laid one finger on a woman. Just want to make sure that we are on the same page. However, I was a guy that pushed women away when they were getting too close. I used to be driven by the chase, and when a woman would leave me, I had to make sure that I could get her back. I know it is twisted, but that's how it used to be. It sounds like Mr. Douche has the same issues. Apparently, you were a big challenge (especially being in another country). So, he lured you back just to see if he could. Once he succeeded, the challenge was over.

So, good for you for moving on. May he live a miserable life. And, if he ever claims to have changed, do not ever take him back. He's violent, and he always will be.

Best of luck to you.

--Eddie
**********

The Meaning of Life

2009-05-24T18:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What is the true meaning of life?

Thanks!
KB

We know it is short, and we know that there is no exact answer, but let's give it a try.

First, fire away with your thoughts on life, and the response from A3G will be posted shortly.

Have fun with this one.

Thanks for the support!

Ronnie's Take:

The meaning of life is a very personal question to each person. HAPPINESS is the meaning of life. Now comes the hard part. What is the key to your happiness.

The key to my happiness is contuially grow as a person each day while getting maxium pleasure for myself as I strive for inner peace. I grow by getting out my comfort zone at every chance. Realizing every person could have something to offer me. A personal experience or knowledge that I havn't learned yet.
The pleasure part again is really personal. Everyone is selfish wether you believe it or not. We do things because we enjoy it. Many people will help out at the drop of a hat. The reason is this makes them feel good about who they are(thus a selfish act). Selfish in these terms isn't a negative. Where you gain your pleasure is what determines the person you are. Good or bad. Your pleasure drives you in your decisions in life. You will avoid any situition that makes you feel uncomfortable unless you see a bigger pleasue by going through the uncomfortable event. The ulimate goal will always be your PLEASURE.
The inner peace part is the biggest struggle. This is where I fight myself. What you do to pleasure yourself (not masterbation sickos) directely affects my inner peace. Example the rush of gambling makes me feel great. The result(losing my money) destroys my inner peace. When I can achieve the point that all my pleasures are the right choices and that is what I strive for, then I will have found the meaning of life. I hope this place exists.

--Ronnie
***************

Victor's Take:

Wikipedia.com:

"The meaning of life constitutes a philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of human existence. This concept can be expressed through a variety of related questions, such as Why are we here?, What's life all about? and What is the meaning of it all? It has been the subject of much philosophical, scientific, and theological speculation throughout history."

In simple terms (and mine) - life is what you make of it.

Every day you are given a gift: the gift of life. What will you choose to do with it?

For me, life is about stepping outside of my comfort zone and taking calculated risks and well thought-out chances. Life is also about learning everyday and lending a helping hand to a family member or friend in need.

Also, life also is about doing the things that make me happy: spending time with friends, cooking, reading, writing, enjoying a good glass of scotch and a great cigar...

I try (and there is the operative word) - try - to live everyday like a gift, that it may be my last. This is not an ideal strategy for estate planning or building wealth, or leaving a legacy... So, it will not work for everyone. But, it works for me. I LIVE... memories and moments over material and titles...

I am as far from perfect as perfect is - I get lazy, procrastinate, make bad choices and decisions just like the rest of us. But, I try.

Life is what you make of it.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "All life is an experiment; the more experiments you make the better."

People that ask the question, "What is the true meaning of life?" are often unhappy in their lives. What are you going to do to change it?

You asked, there you go...

--Victor
*************

Eddie's Take:

My approach is simple:

Live according to some type of standards. You should have a basic understanding of the morals deemed appropriate for ideal living. That's the easy part.

Next, you should always try to learn new things, and, in return, you should share what you know with others. The movie Pay it Forward paints an ideal approach to this. Giving back-- that's the hard part for many. Even if it is something trivial, you never know how much of an impact it could have on the person that you helped.

Normally, all of the things that "I wish I would do more of" are the things that I need to be doing to fulfill my interpretation of the meaning of life. Often, we all find ourselves either regretting not doing things, or actually regretting things that we do.

Here's a few simple things to remember:

1. Think before reacting.

2. You can choose the actions, but you cannot choose the consequences.

3. You can't choose what happens to you, but you can choose how you react to it.

4. Work to live... Don't live to work.

I could go on and on, but I went shrimping all night, and I am beat. Great crab and shrimp boil today though!

--Eddie
***********

The Dreaded Friend Zone

2009-05-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

So, do guys put girls in "the friend zone" too? And, if the girl and guy are really good friends, but they are sleeping together, is there ever a chance of her getting out of the friend zone?

Thanks...

--His Homegirl
******************

Ronnie's Take:

Yes, there is a chance. I have seen many FWBs turn into positive relationships. Just don't have any expectations, because the odds are against it. It's all about when the person is ready for a relationship. Sometimes the guy knows he couldn't fall for the girl because of incompatible things, but he still likes sex. Good luck with this slippery slop situation.

--Ronnie
************

Victor's Take:

I don't think that anything is impossible...

Let me also say this, it is much easier to for a girl to move out of the friend zone than a guy to move out. Once a woman puts a man in the friend zone, that's a wrap! If two friends are sleeping together and they are young (under the age of 30, for most) - they are playing with fire. Someone is going to get hurt.

I think some guys do put girls in the friend zone. Not all, but some. I think the practice is much more common for women.

Don't worry about getting "out of the friend zone"... Worry about communication of feelings. If you communicate with someone who truly cares about you, nothing will scare them away.

I hope this helps.

--Victor
************

Eddie's Take:

Well, looks like you are the girl that is great to hang out with and bang all rolled into one. The odds are definitely not in your favor right now. You are giving it up with no expectations at all. Can this guy every look at you in a truly romantic way? Possibly, but I doubt it. If you have fallen for the guy, then you have one shot to tell him how you feel. The caveat is that it may ruin what you currently have with him. If you are prepared for the worst, then take a shot.

Basically, you have created a really convenient relationship for this guy. He gets all the perks--- just without having the girlfriend. What happens if he brings another woman into the picture? Does he just stop having sex with you. This is an awkward situation for you to be in.

So, tell him how you feel, or simply STOP BANGING HIM!

--Eddie
***********

What's Romantic to Guys???

2009-05-17T08:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I'm romantically challenged (retarded)... Romantic female notions make me uncomfortable. Huge emotional displays leave me being perceived as an ice queen. And, I'm pretty much at a loss for what men see as romantic. Romantic visions of walks on the beach is not what I am referring to. We all know you end up with sand in your ass. So, there's three of you. What is romantic to men on a day to day, live with each other, bases? And, why is it?

--Romantically Challenged
***************************

Dear RC,

Victor's Take:

Anything that is pleasant / good and that is a surprise / unexpected.

Guys are pretty simple creatures, although I meet women all the time that try to complicate things. Cook us our favorite dinner, rent some soft porn and put on some sexy lingerie and be waiting for us when we get out of the shower, text us something sexy during the day, ask us out on a date and plan it (somewhere we love to go).... you get the idea.

Men appreciate love and romance, we just think about it differently. Men loved to be complimented just like women. Tell us you are proud of us... let us know that our ass looks great in those jeans...

When I use to do / be in serious LTR, I loved to get letters... just "Hello, I just wanted to let you know I love you..." went a very long way with me.
Add a lipstick kiss or a little spray of perfume on it for extra points. I have a box full of letters like this that I still keep and cherish today.

Men want to be the caregivers... the hunter gathers, but every now and then - a loving touch, a little help can bring about the most touching moments.

There is a scene in the movie Phenomenon where Kyra Sedgwick's character goes over to John Travolta's character's house and finds him disheveled and takes it upon herself to wash his hair and shave him. You can tell by the way that she looks at him while lending him a helping hand that she is in love. It is one of my favorite movie scenes of all time.

I hope this helps...

--Victor
*************

Ronnie's Take:

A good hug, snuggling in the bed, a personal note (valentines day my gf placed personnel messages along my morning path and that was awesome), sitting outside on the swing looking at the stars, being told I'm your best friend. These to me are all personal and intimate to me. Sex has nothing to do with most of these as I do not see sex with romance. Sex is passion and heat. Basically romance is soft and thoughtful. Romance,soft and thoughtful, does usually end up with passion and heat though-- LOL!!!!!

--Ronnie
************

Eddie's Take:

Understand this-- men and women are very different species, so the romantic desires of each are also rather different. Women know what they way, and guys usually know what they want; however, there is often a disconnect between theory and application-- because we are pretty lazy.

So, what's romantic to me? The occasional note in my lunch, sitting together watching a movie, or just doing something that I enjoy. I am so impressed when a woman will step out of her comfort zone to do something just because she knows I enjoy it. My wife taking a ride with me to the driving range would go much further than flowers or something.

Also, I agree with Vic in regard to compliments. A man always wants to feel like he is number one in your eyes. We need to hear how great we are sometimes.

So, pay attention to what we are in to, and take it upon yourself to tag along sometimes. Tell us how hot and great we are. And, don't forget to surprise us with our favorite food sometimes... mine is pizza!

--Eddie
***********

An Asexual Relationship

2009-05-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have been in a relationship for over 2 years now with a man who is kind,thoughtful, and very handsome but lacks affection in a serious way. In his mid 30's now, I am only the 4th serious girlfriend he has ever had. I hear that the other relationships he has been in have failed because the women have all been unfaithful which caused him great emotional damage. Living in a small town, I've heard their side of the story too... that the lack of affection drove them to it. He's a hard guy to let go of because he is responsible, respectable, thoughtful and all these great things you don't normally get in a guy... but he doesn't like sex or affection at all it seems. When I try to instigate it, I get shot down. When I try to discuss it, it turns into a fight and he changes the subject to ridiculous fight topics and it explodes into a huge mess with threats to break up!!! When I keep my mouth shut about it, MONTHS go by without sex. I refuse to be unfaithful, and I do love him... but I'm frustrated all of the time and feel like I can't win. What is your take on this... as in what do you recommend I do and what do you think the problem is?

Thanks,

--Love Starved!
******************

Ronnie's Take:

He must communicate. You need to comfort him when you bring it up. Reverse the outlook, and tell him it makes you feel unwanted and ugly. You feel sad. Tell him you need his help with what is wrong with you. That should get it started, then, from there, tell him how important sex is in a relationship. Ask him if he cares that it's important to you. Next you could try getting toys and taking matters into your own hands. Let him see the toys maybe that will open up lines of communication. Lastly, it boils down to the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? To me sex is way more then 20% of a relationship, but that's your call. We are all different.

--Ronnie
************

--Victor's Take:

RUN!!!!!!!

I'm really sorry about this man's issues in his previous relationships with women. But, guess what? Not only is it NOT your job to fix him, YOU CAN'T!

Soap Box Time:

Ladies, repeat after me: "YOU CANNOT NOR WILL YOU EVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE ANY MAN - EVER!"

The fact that he cannot communicate his feelings without getting upset and overreacting - even more of a reason to run. If he could communicate and admit that, "Yes I have issues and yes I know I have problems, but I love you and want to work on myself" - great! This is clearly not happening.

Let me speak very plainly. If you are 100% ok with not having sex and not getting affection, go ahead and stay with the guy. Clearly, he has other terrific qualities to offer. If, however, this is not acceptable to you - and from your question, I'm guessing this is the case - RUN!

As far as what his problem is, I would guess he has underlying issues from his childhood - probably with his mother. I don't have a PhD behind my name, so that is purely speculation. Recommend a good psychologist to him and move on.

I wish you all the best.

--Victor
**********

Eddie's Take:

This is an unfortunate, yet common, problem in relationships. Once the "honeymoon" phase is over, it is common for men to become complacent in the bedroom. Most me are turned on visually, so I suggest trying provocative lingerie or something else very sexy. Also, it would be a good idea to try to incorporate his interests when attempting to turn him on. If he is into NASCAR, buy a sexy outfit that incorporates that theme. Maybe a hot nurse outfit would tickle his fancy. There has to be something that turns him on. You are just going to have to be creative to see what that is. Be patient, because this may be a trial and error approach. Also, try just getting involved in the things that he is into. Does he play golf? Fish? There has to be something. Showing him that you care about him enough to partake in his hobbies may go a long way. Then, let him know that you enjoy sex as much as he enjoys those things.

Also, try to talk to him about his fantasies. Let him know that you just want to be open, and that you are not going to judge him, or get offended, by what turns him on. More often than not, people have hidden fantasies that they are scared to share with their significant other. You never know... he may want to be tied up, or even spanked. Hopefully, for your sake, there's no scat involved.

So, give it a shot. Put on a sexy outfit, and unleash the freak.

P.S. If none of this works, break out the toys, and take care of yourself while he is in bed next to you. That should send a strong message!

--Eddie
***********

My Little Girl Thinks She is Bisexual

2009-05-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What are you supposed to tell your child when she tells you she is bi, but she has never had sex? (Although after my first sexual experience I didn't think it was all it was cracked up to be!) I have certainly told her I love her and accept her no matter what. I think she is looking for more than just those words from me. Can anyone help in this communication process with my sweet baby girl?! I let her know I am here for her always. Thanks

--Mother
***********

Dear Mother,

Ronnie's Take:

Support her, and let her know that expressing feelings is okay. Working life out takes time, and communication between you two is good. Tell her to be open and never label herself as bi or straight. Some of the most successful people in life are bi-sexual.

--Ronnie
************

Victor's Take:

It sounds to me like you have done all of the right things so far - good job! You told her that you love her, communication seems good, you are there for her...

I have limited knowledge on this subject - sexual orientation and the growth/maturity of children. I suggest you go to your favorite bookstore or Amazon.com (or the library if you are on a budget) and read up about it. I would fathom that there are hundreds of books on the subject and for your daughter's sake - get educated on the subject and the proper ways of communicating it. Ultimately, I think this education will benefit the both of you tremendously.

I wish you nothing but the best.

--Victor
***********

Eddie's Take:

It is so easy for people to say that they accept people for who they are, but, as a parent, I suspect that hearing those words from your child would be slightly awkward. I've witnessed the evolution from denial to acceptance in many families where a child came out of the closet. I think sexuality is definitely a double-standard for many.

It seems that your daughter already has enough respect and trust for you to raise your awareness about this in the first place. I find that teenagers will do whatever they want to do anyway. If you lock her up, she will still figure out a way. I say just give her the space and freedom that she deserves. Let her experiment, and if she sides with both men and women, then that will be her choice. Studies show that teen bisexuality has rapidly grown in popularity among the current generation. The behavior is being perceived as a fad, or the in thing. Visit http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/07/07/teen-trend-7-reasons-why-it%E2%80%99s-cool-to-pretend-to-be-bisexual/ to read more about this trend.

It may just be a phase to fit in.

Good luck, and support her no matter what.

--Eddie
**************

So I'm a Widow-- what's the big deal?

2009-05-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Why do men get all weirded out about me being widowed? I am a 39 year old widow who really would like to find a nice guy. I asked a male friend of mine and he said it was because they/he thought he would be haunted by my late husband. I think he's full of it. I have been widowed for 14 years, so its not a new thing. HELP!

--Black Widow
*****************

Dear Black Widow,

Ronnie's Take:

Yes... he's full of it. 14yrs and no success with boyfriends might tell a different tale. Review your actions, but first and foremost, make sure your okay being single the rest of your life. When you lose the need for a boyfriend, and become happy single, I find it makes girls more attractive. It takes the pressure off.

--Ronnie
************

Victor's Take:

Haunted? That's a load of crap! (Pardon my French)...

39 year old widows are not something that anyone (man or woman) is use to handling or dealing with. People have a natural aversion to things that they don't understand or that make them uncomfortable.

I dated a widow - much younger than you. I had no problem with it, although I found out later - she did. She had still not dealt completely with the death of her husband and moved past it. Her ability to have a relationship going forward is going to be challenged.

Are you past it? If not, maybe you need to talk to someone. If you are, then maybe you are attracting certain types of men that have the inability to handle this. You might want to try fishing in a different pond.

Haunted? No way - that's just a cop out.

Good luck to you.

--Victor
************

Eddie's Take:

The bottom line question is-- are your over the death of your husband? If you are still carrying baggage, then you already are putting up a wall between you and future boyfriends. I would think that it would be a bit weird if the husband recently passed away. Going to a woman's house that had pictures of her dead husband up would be slightly creepy.

In your case, many years have passed. So, don't think that you are never going to meet someone because of this. That was a chapter in your life, and people have to understand that there is more to your book of life. Focus on being who you are. If you are not sure who that is-- find out. The key to finding a genuine connection with someone is simply being yourself. Get out an explore new things. Don't weigh happiness on the ability to find a mate. There are so many other things that you can find enjoyment in. A happy, confident woman, that knows who she is, is a sexy thing-- widow or not!

--Eddie
*************

I am banging a married woman!

2009-05-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I had been seeing a married woman…or, more accurately—she had been making a point of seeing me on and off for many years. I have always believed it wrong to have sex with married women but I would hook-up with her on the nights when I had been drinking when my sensibilities, including my integrity, were compromised.

Since then, I have made a heroic effort to avoid her with a good amount of success. The problem is that she has been calling me again lately after she found out I am newly out of a relationship. I considered that relationship exclusive and it gave me a sense of boundaries along with the incentive to resist the temptation.

Today, I am finding it very difficult to say no to her although I prefer to only express lustful desires in the context of a healthy relationship. She married for financial security and tells me that the sex is just not the same with her husband. And, she tells me that she doesn’t want to hurt her husband as I certainly don’t, but that he will never know anyway. She also tells me that “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”.

I do find her very sexually alluring and when my sex-drive is high, she has the uncanny ability to ask if she can come over. I would consider a relationship with her or at least a FWB, if she weren’t married.

My question is, under any circumstances, if I am completely honest with her, can I enjoy the fruits of this woman’s desires for me? And if not, what do you recommend as an alternative? Please no not tell me to pleasure myself as I have lost all interest in having a casual relationship with my right-hand and to be fair about it, my right-hand has also lost all interest in being used for meaningless sex.

Just curious what you Guys and your readers think about this?

Thanks.

--"JODY"
*************

Dear Jody,

Victor's Take:

Here is the problem: if you were married, what if your wife was doing this to you and you had no idea. How would you feel?

Look, I've been accused of being everything from a player, a pseudo player (a term so eloquently coined and explained by Melissa the Unwilling Raconteur, an excellent blogger), a pimp and everything in between. I like to date and I'm an expert at picking the wrong ones - so I stay single.
There are lines that I do not cross.

Unfortunately, I have slept with a married once before; it was not one of my finest hours. Much like you, lots of alcohol was involved and I had an insatiable woman on my hands that did everything but strip down in front of me at the bar. But, none of that made it right and all of it - just excuses.
Again, not my finest hour.

I would launch her. I would tell her, "No more". She needs to get her life together and "shit, or - get off of the pot". You are prolonging the problem of her horribly failed marriage. I know that may not be the answer you want to hear, but - it is the correct one.

Move forward and find a new FWB - there are lots of them out there.

--Victor
************

Ronnie's Take:

You are not the reason for her marriage problems. Enjoy it for what it's worth. Her love and success of her marriage has no baring on your fling. It's not like your asking her to leave him, or you two are in love. Most people need good sex and deserve good sex-- your just filling in a hole(lol) in her life. Enjoy it. She sounds like a mature women who has put some thought into this. Do the right things in your relationships.

--Ronnie
**********

Eddie's Take:

So, you're the guy? The one that husbands across the globe can't stand. I understand that you have lustful desires, and, when I was single, I made idiotic choices as well. Now that I am married, I know that my behavior in the past was unacceptable. Why be the reason for someone's divorce. Imagine that you were this guy... coming home every day to a woman that just got banged by Joe Blow. Not cool. If you have any morals left, drop this relationship.

I could go on and on, but I won't. Everyone knows that I can get on my soapbox when talking about the bond of marriage.

Do us married guys a favor--- MOVE ON!!!!!

--Eddie

My husband is looking up old flames on the internet

2009-05-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been married for a little over 11 years now, and in that time my husband has secretly looked up ex-wives and ex-girlfriends on the internet that I know of. I have expressed how much it upsets me to come across things like this and that it upsets me more that he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it or involve me at any level. I feel like he doesn't care that it hurts me. I couldn't have been more clear about how it makes me feel, and he has done it again!! I fear that if I try to talk to him about it again, I will just be more hurt than ever, as he will not care and just be better at hiding it. How do I handle this? What do I do? I feel like I can't say anything to him about anything that bothers me anymore, as it always gets turned into "my fault". I'm thinking I just need to get divorced.

--Web or Wife?

Dear Web or Wife?

Victor's Take:

Here is my question - why do is secretly? That is where the problem is. I think it is a natural, normal human inclination to wonder who, what, where, when, and how about some of our ex's. I never understood how someone could be in love with someone for five years of their life, and then all of a sudden turn that off and never speak to them or care about them again. I would argue that there was never "real" love in the first place or quite simply - this person doesn't know what love is.

Look, I have relationships with all of my ex's with the exception of one - and that is by her choice, not mine. She is a grudge-holder; she will be one her entire life and there is nothing that I can do about it. Some of my relationships with my ex's are just friends in cyberspace that, rarely if ever, correspond. I like to look in on them from time to time and see how life is treating them. Others, I talk with on the phone and even email maybe
3 to 4 times a month. Most are married or have boyfriends. I don't cross lines. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CANNOT FORCE OR LEGISLATE TRUST!

What if, and I'm just ask, he didn't do it in secret? What if he was 100% transparent with you about his contact with ex's? Would you be ok with that?
Also, and this is something that you did not clarify - did he act on these contacts - do anything inappropriate? (other than be secretive/lie about it)

Like 90% of the questions that we answer when it comes to relationships, this boils down to trust and communication. You need to sit him down and let him know (once again) what you can and cannot deal with. Maybe there is room for a compromise here - maybe he can stay in platonic contact with some of his ex's as long as he is transparent / offers full disclosure with you. Or, maybe this is a deal breaker issue for you - if so, draw your line in the sand and stick to your guns. "If you contact another ex again in any way, shape, or form, my next trip will be to the divorce lawyer. Personally, I don't think this is the answer but you have your life to live and your decisions to make. All I can do is provide my opinion - and you have it.

They are our ex's for a reason. You have been married for 11 YEARS - a major accomplishment. Maybe, just maybe there is another underlying issue straining your marriage - but that's just me. Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt before you throw in the towel.

I truly hope it works out for you.

--Victor
***********

Ronnie's Take:

Get divorced. I have a sentimental heart and love to stay in contact with ex's. I love my girlfriend and have been very open about this. My ex-wife lives across the street from me. The most important thing is the openness about it. If you are sneaking, there's a reason. Not that this will help, but maybe find your ex's ,and leave the info where he can find it, and see how he likes it. You might feel better. Remember the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If so, work some more on fixing it. If not, move on. I have grown big leaps and bounds every time I have moved on. I haven't always moved on to better places, but I have always grown as a person with each experience.

--Ronnie
***********

Eddie's Take:

Express your disapproval about his behavior one more time. If it doesn't work, take a sledge hammer to his computer. Then, tell him that you are done. Like I've said many times-- I hold the bond of marriage in very high regard. Doing things behind your spouses back is totally unacceptable. Even if he thinks it is harmless, he has to understand, and care about, your feelings in regard to his behavior. That's what relationships are all about. It is very similar to a customer/supplier relationship. As his customer, you have every right to voice your expectations. Failure to meet those expectations could result in a termination of the contract (i.e. divorce).

So, you have every right to be pissed about this. If he says that he is going to stop, but you don't believe him, invest in a keystroke logger program, which is a program that records everything that he types, but he will be unaware that the program is on his computer. You can even have the reports emailed directly to you.

Sneaky spouses are garbage, and no one should have to go through this type of crap. Unfortunately, it happens more often than not. If you need advice on which sledge hammer to buy, send me an email.

--Eddie
*************

Is he a Dirty Bird???

2009-04-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been dating my guy for 16 months. I'm very much in love with him. He lives about 80 miles away, but works in my area. He treats me quite well, and we get along famously. He usually stays over a few nights a week. He's 49 and so am I. We both have grown children that are doing well, and we have successful careers.

Here's my issue; I've NEVER seen where he lives. I know he isn't married. He has a home phone, and I've called it numerous times. I think his house is probably VERY dirty, and I'm pretty sure he's a bit of a hoarder. The reason I've come to these conclusions is that he's told me that there are 2 scuba tanks in his living room. He collects iron skillets, and has about 150 of them! He's also said that his hall is so filled up that you have to walk sideways to enter the bedroom.

I'm pretty neat and my place is usually very clean. We have some other fundamental differences as well. He's an over the top conservative, (Hannity, Limbaugh, etc). I'm a moderate liberal. I really don't think that matters in the scheme of things, but the issue of not seeing where he lives is kind of getting to me. When I mention it, he says he's still cleaning up around there.

To be perfectly honest, I don't really care to see it. I'm afraid if I do, I'll feel differently about him. If it's REALLY, REALLY bad, it might make me think twice.

What do you guys think? Do we have a chance??

--Dirty Bird
**************

Dear Dirty Bird,

Victor's Take:

Here's my question for you: do you ever see a time in the near future where you guys are going to be living together? If you have no plans to live together anytime soon, what's the problem? As far as your political views are concerned, there are many instances of relationships between people who have differing political views. I wouldn't let that stop you.

I guess I'm trying to say here is: where do you see yourself with this man six months to a year? I've been on dates before with women and gotten back to their houses or apartments and been appalled by their living conditions-meaning the filthiness of their places. It reminds me of the episode of friends where Ross is dating the girl and her apartment is a atrocious.

You are never going to change him but maybe a little bit of you might rub off on him and give the man the impetus he needs to get his place in order.
I would reiterate with him that it is important for you to see his place (clearly this is bothering you) and that you would like to do it sooner rather than later. Again, much of this is based on what your intentions are going forward. If you just want to continue to date, I would be inclined to push the issue and draw a line in the sand. If however you are ready to escalate things a notch in your relationship, then maybe it is time to push the button.

Maybe, just maybe he's been waiting for someone to come along to help him get his house in order. The key is this: let him ask you for the help, do not force it upon him.

I wish you all the best...

--Victor
***********

Ronnie's Take:

If you are just looking for casual dating, and enjoy his company, then don't press the issue (it just doesn't matter that much). If you are thinking long-term, then it would be a must for me. I'm not a clean freak, but I'm probably an 8 of 10 on being clean. A 6 or less would be a deal breaker for me, I take too much pride in myself for that. What does that say about him? Remember the big picture to enjoy life, and if it ain't broke don't fix it.

--Ronnie
***********

Eddie's Take:

Well, in a way, I can kind of relate to this guy. I am not dirty, but I am messy. My wife gets so fed up with my clutter... especially when I have 15 pairs of shoes stacked up in the corner of the bedroom. I have never been one to leave food or nasty stuff around, but I just accumulate a mess everywhere... my desk at home, my desk at work, my night stand, the garage... you name it... I am just very unorganized. So, he may be like that. You can fix that. It is hard to fix dirty though.

So, give him a visit. If clutter is his problem, then offer to help him organize things. If it is dirty and smells like ass, then you better run. Most likely, he would be a dirty guy if his home was dirty. So, does he smell bad? Does he take care of his teeth? Are his clothes fresh? If he seems clean, you just might be dealing with a messy guy... which is okay! (That's what women are for...lol)

--Eddie
**********

Teenage sex... (What's a mom to do?)

2009-04-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Is giving a teen birth control telling them you approve of pre-marital sex?

--Mixed Emotions
********************

Dear Mixed Emotions,

Victor's Take:

No, thanks for your question.

Much like a romantic relationship, a healthy relationship with your children boils down to one thing - COMMUNICATION!

To think that teenagers are not going to have sex is downright naive. To think that you could not affect your child's outcomes and decision making through communication is equally stupid.

If my daughter was having sex, would I want to know about it and have her on the pill - absolutely! Would I be happy about it? HELL TO THE NO!!!!

But, to know and affect the outcome versus not knowing at all? I'll take the former, thank you very much - no matter how painful it might be. Show me a child that has honest communication with his/her parents, and 75% of the time - I'll show you a success story. I'll take those odds.

--Victor
*************

Ronnie's Take:

Whether you give them birth control or not will have no bearing on whether they become sexually active. It didn't when I was young. Other forms of protection are used or no protection at all. My 16yr daughter is on birth control and it opened up a wealth of open communication of the things going on in her life. I told my daughter if she tells me everything she is going to do(and yes they know their plans) I wouldn't punish her. She has told me when she drinks, smokes weed, started sex and has tried "x". It was hard, but she reminded me that ALL of her friends are sneaking around doing it. This allows me to have open conversation about these issues with her on many occasions. This leads to me being able to educate her on these issues and give advice. It works well.

--Ronnie
************

Eddie's Take:

In today's society, it would be gullible of you to think that your child will not have sex in their teenage years. According to the Guttmacher Institute, "46% of American teens between 15 and 19 years old have had sex at least once". I would be willing to bet that the number is much higher than that. You cannot convince that all teens surveyed were absolutely honest. So, I would, at least, tack on another 10 percent to that. At any rate, half of the kids in high school have had sex. What is scary is that the ages are dropping with each generation. My eleven year old has already had sexual conversations with his friends. What is the world coming to?

So, for your question, I would suggest that you take the safe route. If she has asked about birth control, then she already has intentions. Control a menstrual cycle or whatever she might suggest... that's BS... it is all about sex. It is kind of like carrying a gun. It is not like you plan on using it, but it is better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. You can still express your views on pre-maritial sex, but this is a means of being safe. I would also explain the importance of condoms to control the risk of STDs.

The bottom line is that they will figure out a way to experiment with sex if they want to. Unless you invest in a chastity belt or a GPS chip, there is not way to control it. By saying yes to the pill, at least you can sleep well... knowing that you are not going to be a grandmother.

Best of luck.

P.S. Visit http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_ATSRH.html for more information on teenage sex statistics.

--Eddie
*************

Emotions and sex... (How's that work?)

2009-04-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

First, a little history:

I was sexually abused when I was little, I've done drugs, but not in the last few years, I've been physically abused, & I've had a lot of heart break in my life even though I am only 18. I've been with 17 people & often feel that I may be a sex addict.

For the past couple of years, I've been strictly sex buddies with guys. I compartmentalized all of my friendships & sex buddies into their own special categories. I wasn't about to let any one get close to hurting me or appear to be vulnerable in any way. But I've recently discovered that this great guy whom I've been friends with for years had feelings for me, & the more we talked about relationships & what not, the more interested I became in getting involved with him romantically. My biggest struggle was accepting that he wanted a serious relationship & I wasn't going to be able to handle this in the same shallow manner I handled the guys from my past. I've basically gotten over the fear that he was going to get me to open up to him just in time for him to let me down, & I've started to trust him. I have very strong feelings for this guy.

This is where the question comes in:
The other day I was having sex with him & about 8 minutes into it he slipped out, & I was really wet in the beginning, but I guess I had a little problem & he couldn't get back in.

Princess Peach has never before locked any one out of the castle & this is the first relationship in which I've experienced intimacy & not just lust. Do you think that in this case my emotions could be effecting my sexuality???

Thanks!

--The Girl with Feelings
***************************

Dear Feelings,

Victor's Take:

The answer to your question is yes. Here's the good news: everybody has these type of stories throughout their sexual history. No matter how hard we try, no matter how good a shape we are in, the equipment just doesn't want to work correctly sometimes. For some people this equipment failure (pardon the pun) is rooted in a medical condition or health issue. Many times however these things are purely mental. Given your history, I think that your issues here are purely of the mental variety.

I cannot emphasize enough how important I think it is for you to receive counseling immediately. Hopefully, you have taken this step already. Although many people feel like they will be stigmatized for going to counseling, that is rarely if ever true. Most people walking this planet do not have the emotional maturity to overcome an incident like physical abuse.

At 18 years old you have no chance of it. Please, get yourself into counseling immediately. Most importantly, do it for yourself. This guy sound like a good guy and in order to be in a good healthy relationship, you have to be good healthy yourself. You have a ways to go but the good news is there are people there to help you.

--Victor
**********

Ronnie's Take:

Emotional baggage it just that-- baggage. Asking questions is healthy for you, and the issues you have. I was just thinking today about abuse-- both mentally and psychically. I was molested by a male relative when I was 12yrs old, right when my mom and dad separated . My dad had a gambling addiction and missed most of my childhood. I never made excuses. The big picture is does any of that psychically stop me from doing ANYTHING? No of course not. Does having 17 dicks in you make you a bad person or keep you from functioning in life? No, it doesn't. It's only what you allow it to be. Wake up each day and do the best you can. 10 guys told you they love you and cheated and hurt you. The pain is created by you and only you hold yourself back. Release them and be secure in the person you are. Nobody can take away the person you believe you are. Being cheated on, lied to,raped ,molested, bad past decisions, etc... RIGHT NOW, THIS DAY have nothing to do with your success of the day. Stop being a prisoner to yourself. They were scum, you are not. You're 18-- expect more trials as you grow up, and learn from each one, and become a stronger, better person.

--Ronnie
************

Eddie's Take:

You will always be the hardest judge of yourself. We often make ourselves feel like failures and prisoners in the world. There are two circles in life. The circle of control, and the circle of influence. You have to understand that you can only change one of these circles--- the circle of control. Things outside of that circle may influence you, but you can't control them at all. You can only decide how to react to the things that impact you.

Additionally, emotional scars from a life of hurt is the reason why many people put their guards up, and/or they refuse to open up and trust someone. When things happen to you over and over again, you find it very difficult to think that it will not happen with the next person. I think that you can protect yourself, but you have to be realistic. Don't be too fast to jump into the physical aspect of the relationship. First, you should connect on an emotional level.

As far as you current relationship goes.... when you are used to having sex out of lust, it is hard to have it on an emotional/romantic level. Many people are still this way with their wife or husband. If you only experienced sex a certain way, it is hard for you to change it. This goes back to connecting on the emotional level with your mate. Let the love develop, then you will learn to express your passion through the art of making love. It is a wonderful thing, and I am sure that you will overcome the ghosts from the past. Remember, life is a journey, and the wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes are just part of our paths. Those things only make us who we are. Stay focused on your destination, and I know that you will find the fulfillment that you are searching for.

--Eddie
*************

My girl has a webcam rendezvous with my friend.

2009-04-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable and confused; I don't really want to put any friends into an awkward position by talking to them about it, so am hoping writing to you all will help ease my mind.

Ok, well my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years - we visit any chance we get, but the majority of the time I am away at school in Europe and she is in America; however, we do plan on her moving to Europe with me at the end of summer. Anyway, the last time she visited me in Europe she ended up really connecting with my friends there - which I loved! But I am not loving how close she is getting with one friend in particular... call me what you will, but I suspected a little crush on both sides forming - even if only over IM - so next time I visited her I "accidentally" came across their chat logs and was confirmed correct... It stays pretty tame, but there is blatant flirting between them both, and it saddens me to know now that little things like falling asleep on webcam isn't only shared with me, but with my friend as well.... it sounds stupid, but when we're apart, it's one of the few things we have together...

I have to admit that although there is some big time flirting, she has reiterated over and over her love and loyalty for me to both the friend and myself when I hint to her that I am not comfortable somehow... but nevertheless I'm really uncomfortable with all this, especially since my girl's track record in her past relationships/cheating isn't exactly pristine... and though we still won't be very close to said friend when the girlfriend moves, we'll be closer...
Should I be ashamed that I snooped a bit? Should I tell her what I saw? How do I bring it up?

Thanks guys,
Uncomfortable
*****************

Dear Uncomfortable,

Victor's Take:

I'm sure there will be varying opinions on the answering of this question. I am not a snooper. I never have been and never will be. When I get to the point in any relationship where I feel like I have to check e-mail, cell phones, etc. the relationship for me is already over. I won't accidentally check anything. It seems that you girlfriend shared her past with you and this past behavior caused you to accidentally check her instant message log.

For me this clearly shows that there are trust issues in the relationship.

Until you can get these issues resolved, even if she moves - you are still going to have questions. The damage is already done. I would share with her what you have done and explain to our that things like falling asleep on the WebCam are sensitive to you. I'm guessing that she probably doesn't even know that and that if you had shared it with her in the past, that may be a line that she wouldn't have crossed. The fact that you have asked the question shows me that this is bothering you and is not something that you can just let go. You need to bring up with her; remember that the first couple of words are always the hardest. After that they come out pretty easy. It sounds like you have some serious feelings for this girl - I hope it works out for you.

--Victor
************

Ronnie's Take:

Snooping is never an issue unless the other person is hiding something. Understanding her relationship/friendship is important to you. Trust issues are always tough to over come. You either trust her or move on. The first sentence is always the toughest. Admit the snooping and explain why. Get the communication going. A male friend is okay if you can trust her and him. That will be your call.

--Ronnie
************

Eddie's Take:

First, you need to check your homeboy. What kind of friend is going to entertain escapades with your girl. I would put him in his place immediately. He is wrong, and she is wrong.

Then, I would let her know what you saw. The bottom line is that if you two expect to have a fruitful relationship, then trust and honesty must be present. Sure, she will be upset because you read it, but it is reality now. The guilty will always get pissed off when they are busted.

I think it is bull. If she is so in love with you, she would never do something like that behind your back. I think I would give him a quick slap to the face, and, for her--- a swift kick to the curb.

Good luck.

--Eddie
***********

Should I tell my friend?

2009-04-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My friend heard about the website, dontdatehimgirl.com, and one night with a few glasses of wine, we looked up guys we knew, and the husband of a casual friend popped up. One post was before they got married, but there was another post fairly recently, which must mean that he was cheating.

Should we tell her? Should we tell him? Or say nothing? We feel bad, they are a great couple, but we are just casual friends- we all say hi when we run into each other, trade a few emails every now and then, but not really close.

Thanks!!!

--Flabbergasted Friend
*************************

Dear Flabbergasted,

Victor's Take:

Here is my answer: no!

The problem that I have with these websites is that anyone can post any information they want there without zero verification. I could go on one of those websites and say that I slept with Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez. Does that make it true? Of course it doesn't. Unless the information can be 100% verified, no no no…

I'll take it one step further: even if the information could be verified to be true, I still wouldn't say anything.

But that's just me.

--Victor
***********

Ronnie's Take:

This is usually a no win situation. They stay together and you are lost as a friend. If you two are only casual friends, then I would just email her the site and tell her she should really check it out. I would want to know and I think you would also.

--Ronnie
************

Eddie's Take:

If it is true, then he is a douche bag, and she needs to know. It infuriates me when the person that is being cheated on is always the last one to know. Usually, the friends know, the co-workers know, and even the family knows, but no one ever steps up and says anything. It is a difficult situation to put yourself in, because there could be a chance that the claim is erroneous.

However, I would look the page up with her, or maybe even just tell her about the page, so she can see for herself.

Cheaters are scum, and if this is your friend, she doesn't deserve to be with scum.

It's idiots like this that give men such a bad rap.

I admire your concern.

--Eddie
**********

What am I doing wrong?

2009-04-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am a 28 year old single female. I have no kids, I own two cars, educated and continuing my education. I am drama free, willing to try anything, easily amused, work full time with my own place, but I am very independent and know what I want in a man. I won't date any men with kids, they have to hold down a job, have their own place, and be motivated to succeed. I was recently told by a complete stranger that the reason I am single is because I expect too much when it comes to men, but I think what I am looking for is very realistic and doable. Could my standards be too high and the cause for me to be single or is it something else? Thanks Ask 3 Guys I appreciate the help.

--Lonely Girl
****************

Dear Lonely Girl,

Victor's Take:

Albert Einstein once said, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I don't think the things which you are looking for are unobtainable, but at 28 years old if you're eliminating every man that has children, you are eliminating a major portion of the population. You say he needs to have a job, but what if he works at McDonald's? My father passed away in 2006 from Parkinson's disease. My mother was insistent on staying in this house. From a financial standpoint, it was not possible. I moved in to help out and today she is happy to be in her house. There is some irony in the situation as I sleep in the master bedroom and my mother sleeps in my childhood bedroom. Would I automatically be eliminated from the list? My guess is that you are meeting a lot of men that do fall within your parameters, but for whatever reason you are not closing the deal. To answer your question yes I think it is the something else. I would look at other aspects of your life. Also, I would consider where you are meeting these men that do not meet your standards. Do something different - go to new places, try new restaurants, take a different course of action... What if you met the man of your dreams and he was a teacher that makes $22,000 a year and has a two-year-old son? He is the perfect man in every other way, but his salary/status and his son preclude him from your list? Whose loss would be?

I'll leave you with this: try and keep an open mind and don't worry so much about your list. I wish you nothing but the best in your search for the perfect man.

--Victor
************

Ronnie's Take:

Having standards are good, but you are limiting your pool by your guidelines. Good people and good guys can go through hard times and have kids. Be open to listening to what they have to say before you rule them out. Be secure in the person you are and being single. This allows you to expect the best from a man and that's okay. You might be single for a long time and that's okay .

--Ronnie
************

Eddie's Take:

Here's the quick and dirty--- STOP TRYING!

Guess what? The knight in shining armour is not out there. Relationships are all about compatibility and flexibility. Do you think there is actually a guy out there that has painted a picture of the perfect woman, and everything about her just happens to be you? I highly doubt it. You have you quirks and issues just like anyone else. We are all human.

I chased the dragon in regard to finding Ms. Right for well over a decade. I was the pickiest of the picky, and though I dated many, none of them ever lasted. When I started dating based on emotion, rather than comparing the woman to a fairytale-world mold, that is when things started falling into place.

You can't tell your heart who to love--- it just happens. I love my wife dearly, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But, do you think that it is an on-going romantic novel? Not quite... hence, the need for flexibility.

You'll find someone that you just enjoy spending time with. Maybe he will have a kid. Is that a deal-breaker? If you constantly set such high standards, you are going to be traveling down a long road. I'm not saying do not have any standards, but be realistic.

Finally, just stop looking. There is nothing more attractive than a confident woman that is living her life, and she knows who she is. Find out who you are. Develop your self. The rest will come.

Best of luck to you.

P.S. Just an FYI... My wife would be the first to tell you that I was hardly the man I am today over ten years ago. People change. We grow. I don't think she would have even considered marrying me in my younger days.

--Eddie

Should I take the Job? Even if another may come available?

2009-04-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hi guys, I hope you can help me out. I have been job hunting for a few months now. I am finally very close to securing a job with a company. I have gone in for 5 interviews and have one more to go. I feel confident that this will work out. At the same time I have applied for a jobs at another company. This company has expressed an interest but I have not gone in for an interview nor do they have a job opening. Would it be wise to send this company an email to let them know I am close to securing a job at another company in the hopes of them pushing things along or do I do nothing. A month from now it may be too late. I should also mention that the job I am close to getting is not my ideal job and also this is in Banking. Things are tough in the banking world right now. What do you suggest I do?

Thanks for your help.

--Gary
***********

Dear Gary,

Ronnie's Take:

You have nothing to lose send the letter in a professional manner. They won't not hire you because of the letter.

--Ronnie
***********

Victor's Take:

My track record for keeping jobs is not the best (I don't like to stay in one place too long) so I'm not sure if I'm the person to answer this question or not. I always keep my options open when it comes to jobs. 50 years ago job security was a given. Today - it just doesn't exist. In today's corporate world, everyone is replaceable. Consequently, I always keep an updated resume and always keep my options open. With the economy in the condition it is in, keeping your options open is a necessity. My recommendation going forward is a simple one: keep your resume up to date and keep sending it out. You should treat yourself as a Corporation and continually market yourself and your skills. Send the other company the e-mail. I wish you the best of luck going forward to finding your dream job.

--Victor
**********

Eddie's Take:

Things are tough everywhere. I am thankful that I work for a defense contractor, which is an area that America will always need. Here's what I think... You have to do whatever it takes to support yourself. If that means taking a job out of your comfort zone, then so be it. If you were currently employed, would you tell your company that you were interviewing for other jobs? Or, would you wait until you actually were offered a job? The latter seems like the right answer to me. If you take the available job, and the other company's interest in you arises, then I would hope that you would take the offer. Getting a job is not like getting married. You have options. Even though you take a job, you may leave for something that is a better fit for you.

Eight months ago, I transferred from a department that I had been with for over nine years. I actually thought that this was the best opportunity for me. I had a chance to learn more, and I enjoyed my role in the new position. Last week, I accepted a transfer back to the department that I had originally left. It's not that I wasn't happy, but the new job is a great career opportunity that fully supports my long-term goals with the company.

So, do what you have to do to make ends meet, but, when the opportunity accomplish your dreams pops up-- you better take it.

Just take the job, and don't tell them anything. Stay in contact with the other company just to let them know that you are still interested in pursuing a career with their company.

Best of luck to you.

--Eddie
**********

Change.... Is it temporary or permanent?

2009-04-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I met someone a year ago that I cannot get out of my mind. About two months into our relationship, his father died. His behavior began to change after that. While I cannot get into all the specifics here, we have done a lot to hurt each other over the past few months since the relationship has ended. He is a single father and took custody of his son and moved and failed his semester in a program he was about to graduate from. His appearance has changed drastically. He hurt me a lot after we broke up because he started dating a 22 year old girl. He's 34. His son is 14. I used to think people didn't change, but now I am starting to reconsider that notion. Is it possible for this to be just a phase? I am having a very hard time forgiving him. I can say that everything I have done wrong to him was a reaction to how hurt I was by his lack of human feeling throughout this whole process. He wasn't an ass before, but his entire personality changed very quickly. I still love him for who he was, and I know I need to put a lot of distance between us for a while.

--Thrown for a Loop
**********************

Dear Thrown for a Loop,

Victor's Take:

Based on the information that you have given, this is a man with deep emotional scars that have come from a variety of sources. The change in appearance and behavior - two classic, textbook signs of depression. I would not say that this is a phase. I would say that this is something that he needs help getting out of. Imagine a person in a deep dark hole waiting for someone to come along with a ladder.

I'm not excusing his behavior towards you. But, this might be an opportunity in your life to forgive him and tell him - "I accept responsibility for the things that I did to you, and I am deeply sorry. I want you to be happy no matter what happens between the two of us." Then, I want you to let him get help. You cannot force him to, but maybe - just maybe you forgiving him may be the wakeup call he needs to realize that I have a problem and I need
help.

As much as you are going to want to force him into getting help, resist the urge; this is something he needs to do. Also, given his emotional state, I would also not involve myself in a romantic relationship with him. Unhealthy people have unhealthy relationships. You have already been down that road him.

I hope he gets help.

That's my take.

--Victor
**********

Ronnie's Take:

Yes people have life changing experiences for good and bad. Having the strength to accept the things you can't change is a powerful lesson. Obsessing yourself with any situation isn't healthy for you. I would move on. It could just be a phase he is going though, but he knows how to find you if he comes out of it. You must just move on. You have no other option but moving on. If you need closure, communicate and ask him why is he acting like this.

--Ronnie
***********

Eddie's Take:

I would relate his change of character to a depressed state. Losing his father had to significantly impact him. The death of a loved one is a tough hurdle for some people to overcome. Unfortunately, guys often use anger to express sadness. We are men... we are not supposed to cry and be soft. So, even though he doesn't express it, he is hurting deeply on the inside. The best thing that you can do is to offer a genuine friendship, and you should apologize for any pain that your actions or words may have caused him. Let him know that you care for him, and you just want to see him happy. Then, leave the ball in his court. Don't chase him, don't pester him. Just try to be understanding that he has to overcome the things that are impacting him.

So, is it a phase? I believe so. I have gone through lows in my life where my character was horrible. Bottled up emotion and anger can lead to huge changes in your behavior. He may just snap out of it one day, and decide to get back on track-- that's what I did!

--Eddie
*********

Friends, Lovers, FWBs??? (But wait... he's married!)

2009-04-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have met a guy that I so want to be with-- the issue is he is married. The upside is his wife approves of it..encourages it ...in her presence...the down side is she wants to join in. My issue is I have no desire to be with a woman at all. I knew all of this before I became interested in this guy. I tried to break it off and he understands and wants to be friends. He said he needs me and loves me, but understands my fears. He says I will be comfortable when I meet his wife in knowing she would be ok with us being together...we just click and have a connection like no other. He has been completely honest about the whole thing as I have been with him. What do I do?...run fast or have him as a wonderful friend and part time lover or ???

--Secret Lover
****************

Dear Secret Lover,

Ronnie's Take:

It comes down to your happiness. What situation can you handle and still be happy? This is very VERY weird but it's about you and what you can handle and are looking for in a relationship/life. I would run fast, but only you know your limits and what it takes to make you happy.

--Ronnie
***********

Victor's Take:

You are dating a married man. There's your problem.

I'm not judging, just stating the obvious.

Chances are, even if you consent to sleeping with the wife also to appease him, things are going fall apart in epic fashion. At least one of the three (if not all three) of you are going to let emotions get in the way of your seemingly perfect ménages a trios and it is all going to come crashing down all over you. That's sad because it sounds like fun, but that is only in theory and would don't live life theoretically.

Can you just allow him to be a friend with benefits or friend? I don't think so...

"I have met a guy that I so want to be with" - your words. You have already developed strong emotional feelings for him. The FWB thing is not going to work for you. Most people cannot be good friends with their exes. I find it easy, most people do not.

I would cut your losses and move on - quickly.

That's my take.

--Victor
**********

Eddie's Take:

Married couples that involve a third party in their intimacy typically go for someone that is not the type that would get attached. These relationships are usually just fun for couples, and neither person has a romantic relationship with the third person.

It sounds like this guy wants to live out some fantasies. If he wants you, why the hell is he with his wife? If you continue to down the FWB path, you are only setting yourself up to be hurt. It definitely sounds like you are unable to leave your emotions out of the game. You already seem like you are falling for the guy. If you continue screwing him, he will never have a reason to leave his wife. Tell him that you can't continue the relationship under these circumstances, and he can contact you when he gets his shit together. If he genuinely loves you, he'll walk away from her.

Don't play his game.

--Eddie
***********

What will guys think?

2009-04-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok, guys. Here's the deal.

I was with my ex for 10 years. During the course of our relationship, I caught him cheating 3 times. I finally left after the 3rd time. He is a drunk and is emotionally abusive. I was very much under his thumb, you could even say that he was just plain mean....

Anyway, about 6 months after we broke up, I was raped-- Brutally. I had 23 bruises just on my left thigh. Bite marks, hair pulled out, there was tearing and bleeding. I was barely able to walk the following day. I had not been with a man since my ex prior to that night.

I have not been touched by a man since and that was over a year ago. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely uncomfortable with anyone touching me, whether it is a friend or even my mother.

My question is: how is a man going to react to this news if and when I decide to date again? Should I tell a guy when we start dating? I am afraid of the reaction I may have when some guy I decide to date touches me. Is this too much baggage to ask someone to deal with? What is a guy going to think about all that?

I am anxiously awaiting your replies.

Thanks,
The Baggage Lady
******************

Dear BL,

Ronnie's Take:

Honesty and communication are important in life. That being said, I hope you are receiving professional help and working past this. Find a motivation to get through is. I was molested when I was young be a male relative. I know it wasn't me fault. I knew I couldn't let it control or ruin my life. Your brutality was a different level. You must realize this was an out of ordinary life experience. You must jump back in (either slowly or with both feet). Explain-communicate and get on with life. You can get busy living or you can get busy dying? Which one do you choose? Any guy will understand and go at your speed, if not they aren't worth your time any way. Maybe try just getting a guy to lay naked and still. Then you move at your pace with him until you get comfortable again. Break the control the event has over you.

--Ronnie
**********

Victor's Take:

I'm very sorry that you endured that. It pains my heart and it hurt to read it.

I'm going to assume that you are getting / receiving ongoing counseling. If not, go NOW!

You have seen and experienced more adversity in your life than most people will ever see. The light at the end of the tunnel is this - there are people out there just like you that have faced serious adversity and overcome it.
They lead fulfilling lives - you can too.

I would not tell a man immediately (I would speak to your counselor(s) about how to handle this as well), but I think it is a conversation that you need to have early on. I think every man's reaction would be different, so it's hard to say one way or the other. I'm sure it's going to be somewhat shocking for all.

What I don't want you to do is think that there is no man that is going to love you or understand. They are out there and they will. I promise you. You need to be in a good emotional state to have a open heart and mind and except that love when it is presented to you.

Don't give up. Don't ever give up. If you do, your ex-husband wins. The rapist wins.

Lee Iacocca once said, "In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive." I think his advice on adversity is spot on.

I wish you nothing but the best.

--Victor
**********

Eddie's Take:

We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.

Rough times in life come in a shapes and forms. It definitely saddened me to read your story, and, even though this is anonymous, I applaud your ability to get your pain out there. When a woman is violated against her will, there is a recovery process that they must go through. Unfortunately, there's no prescribed timeline for how long it takes.

I would hope that you have had counseling in regard to this, because it is very difficult to overcome the emotional scars from such a devastating event.

Walk with your head high, knowing that you did not do anything to deserve what happened to you. Don't blame yourself at all.

As far as future dating goes, you should just be open with the guy. If you date a mature guy, he shouldn't have an issue at all. Just take your time in the bedroom. Discuss your feelings and your boundaries. Tell him what would make you uncomfortable.

A day will come when you can close that chapter.

--Eddie
*********

Friends or More???

2009-03-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok I'll try to make this short. My ex and I dated for 8 months, we told each other we loved each other, stayed over at each others houses and had a great relationship. Out of no where he said that he wanted a break, but that he still loved me and cared about me. He said his issue was that he just wasn't ready for another relationship. (we both ended a 2 year relationship 6 months before we got together)

Now here is the confusing part, since we broke up, we've been together everyday still and I pretty much live at his house. We are still intimate and when we are alone very affectionate. However in public we don't kiss or hold hands. It's been about 2 years since we broke up and this has been going on. Am I just stupid for staying around and hoping things will change and we will be together or what? I'm at a loss of what to do I love this man with all my heart, he says he feels the same but if he did then why aren't we together?

--So Sad in So Cal
******************

Dear So Sad,

Ronnie's Take:

Yes tell him how you feel. Player pops up in my head. Did he always not like public affection or only after the conversation? Yes 2 yrs of that is stupid. Sorry but you been on break for 2yrs. 2yrs on break-- I'm speechless. Don't even communicate--- RUNNNNN.

--Ronnie
**********

Victor's Take:

First and foremost, I have a question. When you guys originally started dating, was he affectionate (holding hands, kissing etc) in public? If no, then your question is moot. There are guys out there that just aren't affectionate enough, public or otherwise. Some women can handle that, others cannot.

I'll assume that he was affectionate when you two dated the first time. If that is the assumption....

I think you are the rebound relationship and that it (your relationship) is a "relationship of convenience". That is my initial gut reaction when I first read your question. You two do love each other, you both are "comfortable" with each other, etc. But, deep down inside - both of you know that there is something missing.

Here is what I would do: COMMUNICATE!

"He says he feels the same but if he did then why aren't we together?" - EXACTLY.

Sit down and have an open and honest discussion about your feelings. You are not getting what you want out of the relationship anyway, what have you got to lose by putting it all on the table? Worst case scenario, he breaks up with you. We live, we love, we move on... that's life.

Look, I've loved a few women in my life. I still love a few. Just because you love someone, does not mean you were destined to be together forever.

I wish you nothing but the best.

--Victor
*********

Eddie's Take:

Stop giving him the milk for free!!! Apparently, this guy wants to bear the single label-- that way he can do whatever he wants without any consequences. I am sure that he is sexually active with someone else (if not many more). I agree with Ronnie-- this has player written all over it. And, I am sure that you are being faithful the whole time, right? This guy is reaping all of the benefits, without the rules of a relationship.

If you have a genuine friendship with this guy, you will see that it will be untarnished in the absence of sex. If, however, the friendship is impacted, you will understand that his motives were to use you sexually.

So, communicate with him, and let him know that the sex and closeness is confusing you. Tell him that you continue falling in love with him, and, if he doesn't want to commit, you cannot set yourself up for failure.

Miscommunication is the root cause of so many problems.

Best of luck to you.

--Eddie
*********

My son is out of control... help me!!!!

2009-03-28T05:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok here is my problem. I have a son that is 11. He is totally out of control and very disrespectful. It has come to the point to where my husband has given up on him because he disrespects him so much. He is my husband's step son. It is really bad. His dad is in the picture, but is never really here. It's a hard situation to explain. I am pretty much the only person that takes care of him and deals with him, which is hard on me, and puts a lot of stress on my plate. It has now caused a lot of problems in my marriage and has now started to put my marriage in jeopardy. If you could imagine the worse case possible with the most disrespectful kid possible that is my son. I can punish him, take anything thing away and nothing will affect him at all. He cares about nothing. He does not care if he hurts your feelings, he doesn't care how he talks to you, and I am telling you he cares about nothing at all! It has come to the point to where when it comes to the weekend all I want to do is get out take a break get a drink. That's where it becomes a problem because I am being called a party animal. My husband does not understand the actual stress that I go through with my son, how much it hurts me to see him like this? I often think what did I do wrong? I
have thought about sending him to an all boys military school to get his act together, but then I don't think I could live with myself if I did something like that. I often think well I can't live much longer like this either. I will end up alone because he is destroying this house hold. It's not that my husband wants to give up, because he doesn't. He still tries all the time, But when he does my son just shows him lack of respect all of the time. I cry all the time because it hurts so much. There are times that I spank him, put him in his room, he doesn't get to play, I do it all. He does see someone and we have seen every Dr. you can imagine, no one seems to help us get to the bottom of this. I have even cried in front of him and asked him why? What did I do for him to treat me this way.. I have raised him my whole life alone until my husband came along. What did I do for him to be so bad? He never has an answer for me. His grades are pretty good. I can't complain about that. Other than that he just has a major attitude problem.

--Miserable Mommy

________________________________________________________

Dear Miserable Mommy,

Ronnie's Take:

Well it seems you have seeked out professional help which is clearly the best answer. We are not professionals but I can tell you about my experiences with disrespectful children. My son has a.d.h.d. and my daughter had the strong will to run over my ex-wife and grand parents. Desperate times call for desperate measures. This is not what you will hear from any professional. I had a few talks and they went like this. We have a problem that we can solve together (teamwork). From this point forward I'm not putting up with your disrespect. What do you think is causing it and how would you stop it (giving him the power)? Because the option is you can solve it or I'm going to beat the living hell out of you every time. I'm psycho and I will beat you until you call the police so they can take you away, then I won't have to put up with your disrespect any more. Now what is your choice (give him the power again)? If he disrespects then then be ready to grab him slam him, beat him with the belt screaming and yelling. Basically you have to go psycho on him. Call his bluff and be ready to except any result. It's now or never time. Yes I did this with my kids and some of my relatives and friends kids. Guess what? They all respect me. When they are at my house I don't have to say much anymore. I did have to out psycho them at some point and tell them I'm psycho. This was for their best. I still so love and play with them and reward them for good behavior. They all like me but respect me. This is tuff to do but he is worth it.

--Ronnie

___________________________________________________________________

Victor's Take:

Your son has serious abandonment issues from the relationship with his father. You blaming yourself and doing it in front of him makes it worse. Your son feels like he let you down too, and your behavior exacerbates the entire situation.

I know you have said you have tried many doctors. Try more. If your house was on fire, would you argue over the price of the water to put it out.?

Your marriage is in trouble and your son is crying for help. Your house is on fire - try harder. Find a mental health professional that will listen and will help.

Also, you and your husband should both enter counseling - immediately. You two will get a ton of out it and help your marriage, but your son will benefit as well.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor

___________________________________________________________________

Eddie's Take:

It baffles me to see therapists and doctors see patients for years, yet they never figure out what the hell is wrong with them. I would actually keep records to plot out the data of his growth (or lack of) over the course of time that he spends with a doctor. If he sees someone for 6 months, but he has not changed his behavior, then I would question that specialist. In a perfect-world scenario, they think they understand your situation, but most of these quacks don't even have kids.

These days, it is all about not hurting the kids and so on. Blah, Blah, Blah... My dad busted my ass several times as a kid, and my upbringing definitely shaped me into the man that I am today.

Was I abused? Of course not. But, I related doing bad things to ass-whippings, and since I didn't like ass-whippings, I did less bad things.

Of course there is a line that you should never cross when it comes to physically punishing your kids, so don't do anything crazy. Just the traditional belt to the ass works great.

All I know is that you need to act fast. If he is 11 and out of control, then he is on a road to trouble. I have seen it too many times. First stealing, then drugs and alcohol, then jail....

He needs an intervention. And, I think boot camp is a good idea.

--Eddie

___________________________________________________________________

I'm I too much of a guy?

2009-03-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am a single young woman living here in the great City of New Orleans... I have a rather different outlook on life than what I have been taught by my parents and Society... I get along better with guys than I do women. That is just the way that I am... I believe that women and men can be just friends... Some tend to disbelieve this theory... So I am looked at as a "Whore" instead of a woman who likes sports and four wheelers and muscle cars instead of shopping and talking about weddings and what my husband is going to look like... I get perceived as a "wild woman" who enjoys dancing on bars (No I do not take off any clothing) and taking shots and funneling beer and playing poker and smoking a cigar every now and again... Don't get me wrong, I get my nails done and my hair is always fixed... I dress like a woman... I am not a dike in any way... I just enjoy what society has set aside for the boys... I believe that women are allowed to enjoy these things along with the male sex and not be perceived as a"Whore"... I am told that is what it was like when I was a teenager and I need to grow up and actually be a woman who talks about recipes and what I am going to wear on my wedding day that may never come about... I just don't enjoy those kinds of subjects... I mean yes I do like bridal showers and baby showers and Tupperware parties, and things that are considered for women, but I don't sleep around with these guys or anything like that I just enjoy their company... So I guess here is my question... Does being able to hang with the boys make me a whore and does that give other males the right to talk down to me and treat me with anything but respect and does that give women the right to look down on me?

--One of the Guys
******************

Dear OG,

Ronnie's Take:

No, it doesn't and people who judge you are just uncomfortable with your abilities as a human to do what you enjoy. You will have a problem if you are dating because trust is an issue for a lot of people that have been cheated on in the past. Most men feel that hanging with guys all the time is like playing with fire. Even if you trust, it's an uncomfortable feeling. It is very possible to have guy/girl just friend relationships. I have had many over my life time with no sexual thoughts. Guess what-- the people in the corner always whispered about the relationships. Negative drama people will be just that. I don't have the time or patience for them and neither should you.

--Ronnie
**********

Victor's Take:

"So I am looked at as a "Whore" instead of a woman who likes sports and four wheelers and muscle cars instead of shopping and talking about weddings and what my husband is going to look like... I get perceived as a "wild woman" who enjoys dancing on bars (No I do not take off any clothing) and taking shots and funneling beer and playing poker and smoking a cigar every now and again..."

Here is my question: are you a whore? I'm guessing no.

Are you a "wild woman" (whatever that means). Personally, I like my women on the wild side every now and then. My point is this: if we stopped worrying so much about what other people think about us, as a society we would be 95% happier. I let go of worry - what other people thought about me - a long time ago. You should try it.

Let me get on my soapbox for a second. I cannot get over how hard women are on each other sometimes about the silliest crap! Men don't treat each other like that. Anyway, there is my tangent - two cent moment, take it or leave it.

No one should be looked down upon for following their happiness. Respect is not freely given, it is often earned. But, if you are respecting others'
decisions, why shouldn't they respect yours?

As long as you are happy and you are not hurting anyone else, I say - do what you want. Have friends in your life that judge you? Find new friends.

Mignon McLaughlin, a famous American journalist, once wrote " Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."

I'd rather be a dead troublemaker.

In my experience, conformists are never happy.

--Victor
*********

Eddie's Take:

Here's the deal... people that force themselves to fit in the boxes that society has defined for them are just flat out miserable. The bottom line is that they hate the fact that you can be yourself, without any concern for what people think. So what if you are into guy things. There are many guys that will think that is a great trait for you to have.

No matter what package you are in, people are going to judge you. Hot women always get stereotyped as being bitches, big-breasted blondes are labeled as airheads, and guys that take care of themselves are now considered metro. It's all bullshit.

As people, we constantly put people in categories based on our historical data. For our own comfort, we have to be able to know what category they fit in. If the are a square peg in a round hole, it confused people, so they start making their own assumptions.

Just keep doing what you are doing. The snotty bitches will just have to get over it.

--Eddie
*********

Three for the Price of One!

2009-03-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

Today, we thought we would give you three for the price of one! Sometimes our questions are answered directly by the experienced person in that area, so we wanted to share a few of those with you.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I heard recently that the company I work for is going to do a reverse stock split (RSS). I currently own approx. 10,000 shares and the stock is trading at about $2.50/share. My question is should I buy more stock now while its low and can afford it or should I wait until after the RSS. I know that after the RSS the price will be much higher. Or does any of this really make a difference since the value of my shares will not change.

Thanks, I look forward to your thoughts.

Regards,

Eric in Boston
***************

Dear Eric,

In the whole scheme of things, it really doesn't make a difference because you are DCA (dollar cost averaging).

Companies normally do a reverse split for one reason - to raise capital.

A company with a low stock price and high PE (price to earnings) ratio - like your company, I am guessing - normally does it because they are struggling and need cash flow. Ideally, this is not a company that I would want to own more stock in. Do your homework, and if the numbers look right and the investment is minimal, take a chance.

A company with a high stock price and low PE ratio does a reverse to lower their share price, attract new investors, and raise capital.

I suggest you watch CNBC everyday for about an hour. I leave it on while I am getting ready in the morning for work. I don't catch everything, but you would be surprised what you can learn.

Good luck to you.

--Victor

***************************************************************************

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have a friend who does not believe in God. I really don’t want them to go to HELL!!! What should I do. I have known this person for a very long time, I really don’t want to see them burn!!! What should I do?

Concerned Comrade
*********************

Dear CC,

I being of agnostic belief will answer this question with the assumption of being a believer of the christian doctrine. I will assume it's a christian belief do to the region (America) of the question-- as we all know religion is strongly regionalized. The answer would clearly be different as each faith has its own guidelines. Buddhist or Hindu would just let him figure it out generally speaking. Your god on the other hand could be testing you like he did Job. Your god might have a plan for your friend as we cannot understand his reasoning, for example why would he allow a baby to die, why would he create Satan, why ,with your god claiming all knowing, would he put the tree of life in front of Eve knowing she would eat of it, why would god allow Satan to roam his creation with torment and destruction when he has the power to stop him, why would your god send his son (Jesus) with the most important message ever to mankind and not have Jesus personally write his message down. None of this makes sense to a lot of the population. As you can see god's plan and picture is way larger then just your little knowledge can contain. You must just have FAITH and trust that your god with protect you and your longtime friend. Keep up the prayers and witnessing as you lead by example for your friend.

--Ronnie

************************************************************************************

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I really find myself getting mad at my friend's boyfriend because of the way he is with her sometimes. I feel that he is disrespectful to her, and he treats her like she is going to run off with some stranger. She is hot, so she does get attention sometimes, but I don't think she would ever be unfaithful. It really bugs me, and I just want to put him in his place.

Angry Amiga
***************

Dear Angry Amiga,

Here's what I think. People choose their mates based on the connection and/or attraction that they have to them. I find that the best advice I can offer to someone that is concerned with someone's relationship is to STAY OUT OF IT! The worst thing that you can do is to bash her boyfriend when she is venting about him. Remember... she is with him for a reason-- even if it doesn't make any sense at all to you. Part of us wants to step in, but the best thing to do is let them work it out. Judge your friends based on their actions towards you. Does his behavior affect you? Everyone deals with issues in relationships. It takes sacrifice and toleration to make one work, and none of us are perfect. So, don't base your entire perception off of a snap-shot.

Be there for your friend if she needs your advice or help, but, other than that, their business is their business.

--Eddie

*************************************************************************************

FWB? But I want more than that!

2009-03-22T05:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok so about a year ago I started kicking it with an old friend of mine. Its like a friends with benefits thing. Well, I started to have feelings for him. He's not the type of guy to be tied down to one person. He has been so hurt by his ex's that I don't think he will ever trust a female again. He moved in with me until he could get back on his feet, and I think my feelings have become stronger for him. I'm really not sure what I
should do. I have love and respect for him as he does for me.

More than a friend
*********************

Dear More than a friend,

Ronnie's Take,

This is a common problem with friends with benefits. Friends, isn't that what our bf/gf or husband/wife should be? T hat's the problem a perfect spouse is one who is your friend first. The problem friends with benefits has is it's for people not looking to have a relationship supposedly. Next you must be honest, which should be easy to do if you are truly friends, about how you feel and ask his opinion. Remember the first sentence is the hardest. Practice it and the rest of the conversation will go easy. Also you must be ready to accept he doesn't want the same things as you from the relationship. Make sure he understands you can handle the truth about his feelings.

--Ronnie
*********

Victor's Take:

90% of people cannot handle the friends with benefits situation because they cannot separate sex and emotion. I know that I have said this over and over again, but I will continue to shout at the rain until people start listening.

I think you should be honest - share with him that you have developed strong feelings for him. One of two things are going to happen.

1) You are going to scare him away and he will run. At first, you will be sad and upset. But, in the long run you will get what you are really looking for - an emotional connection that you are not getting right now.

2) He might have reciprocal feelings for you and, in that case, I suggest you run with it.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor
*********

Eddie's Take:

Friends with benefits.... hmmm. I have always been a bit leery about that concept. When I was single, FWB just meant that I knew I could hook up whenever I wanted. What's the right balance. Should the friendship outweigh the benefits, or vice versa?

I just think that women have a difficult time keeping their emotions out of it. Ladies think with their hearts. It has always been that way. Guys, of course, think with their penises. So, if you are giving, of course he is going to be taking.

If you like this guy, stop giving him sex until you can get this sorted out. Each time he penetrates you, your connection to him will grow stronger. Apparently, FWB is not your cup of tea. You are not alone, as Victor stated, there is only a small percentage of people that can make that work.

So, chose a friendship or take steps to turn it into something more. Right now, you are letting him live the perfect fantasy. So, keep your legs closed and your eyes opened. He may be wanting the same thing.

--Eddie

Should I let my son's girlfriend be in his room?

2009-03-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My son is 21. A great kid, going to college, works 2 part time jobs and lives at home for free (with the condition that he maintains good grades while in school). He has a new girlfriend who I really like. The prior girlfriend was such a nightmare, I refused to let her in my house due to her lying, suspected drug use, etc. His new girlfriend is 23, lives at home and goes to college as well.

Today I made a comment that if my son's room was cleaner, he could have his girlfriend up there watching TV instead of our small couch downstairs. The look on his face made me realize that maybe I was being too lenient?

Honestly, they are both old enough to be on their own and it's none of my business if they are having sex, but should I put limits on her being in his room?

Mom
******

Dear Mom,

Eddie's Take:

I lived with my parents several times after the initial move-out. My parents never openly addressed what went on in my bedroom, but she had to know what was going on. I think you are looking at this the right way. You son is old enough to have those types of desires, but just keep it as a "don't ask, don't tell" topic.

In times of need, my parents were there to help me. Making it hard with the "my house-my rules" approach would have probably resulted in me resenting them. They just let me live there, and I did my own thing-- work and school. I didn't bring alcohol in the house, because that was one rule that was enforced out of respect for my mom.

So, sounds like you have a good son on your hands. As long as he keeps is grades up and stays out of trouble, who cares if he gets his peter wet?

--Eddie
********

Victor's Take:

My dad use to have a saying: "When you live in my house, you will live by my rules."

My mom and dad, however, were lenient. Their philosophy was a simple one:
"I'd rather have them under my roof where they are safe then out on the street somewhere." They were not enablers by any stretch of the imagination, but I had girlfriends sleep over when I was 18 - in the same bed. I also had a job, was going to college and had my stuff together - much like your son.

I think you need to make your own rules and he needs to abide by them as long as he lives there. If you are asking me for my opinion, and I think you are - I would let her sleep over, go to his room... all of it.

I would rather my son in his home than in a cheap hotel room or even worse, in a car somewhere. But, that's just me.

--Victor
*********

Ronnie's Take:

Sounds like you have been on top of your game with the raising of your son. He is 21 now, and you seem to have instilled good values in him as seen by his good grades and respect for you. Benefits of a clean room should even motivate him more. Twenty-one of good parenting won't be undone be this judgment. If you trust him after 21yrs to have a girl in his room, and still respect you and the house, then yes, you made the right call. Stick to it

--Ronnie
**********

How do I let her down easy?

2009-03-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

There is this girl that is a friend of a friend of minethat I have been knowing for almost 20 yrs.She saw me on MY friends pageabout a month ago.Ever since then she has been emailing me,leaving tons ofcomments on my page.and sending me tons of stickers and all with things like"call me",wanting me to go out with her every weekend,and BBF kind ofstuff.I met her and I just didn't feel a connection,at all.She lives withher mom and has no kids and I do.I have a family life and just don't havethe time to party all the time.She seems kind of obsessed with me.I don'tfeel that she fits the cryteria of my circle of friends.I'm totally not amean person but I just don't feel like I want to be friends with her.How doI let her know this without hurting her feelings?

--Not Interested
****************

Dear NI,

Victor's Take:

Honesty and communication.

Clearly, you don't want to be mean but there is a nice way to deliver your message. Almost every message can be delivered in an amiable fashion.

When she emails or comments, just let her know - "Hey, I'm super busy with my family/kids... I'm glad to see your life is going well". Be short and sweet and stay on message. If you continue to send that message, she should realize that you are focusing on your family/kids and that is your top priority in life. For most people, a mismatch of priorities constitutes a taking a different direction. I think she will get the message.

If, after repeated attempts, she does not get the message I would then and only then take a more direct approach.

Good luck.

--Victor
*********

Ronnie's Take:

Unfortunately there is no way to tell somebody that you are interested in them as a person(friend). You just must know that you are making the right decision by being honest in the long run. Put the blame on you that you are in a place that just doesn't allow the freedom that she has. Build her up and place the blame for no connection on you. Tell her you value her enough as a person to tell her.

--Ronnie
*********

Eddie's Take:

Try this--- blow her off! There's no connection. Okay-- big deal. If you spend your life basing every decision you make on whether it hurts someone's feelings or not, you are going to make yourself miserable.

Just listen to how this sounds... "I met this girl, but there isn't a connection. Should I make myself miserable by staying with her, so I can spare her feelings?" Of course not.

Life goes on. She'll get over it. I'm sure being dumped by you isn't the worst thing she'll face in life.

--Eddie
*********

Will picking a mole cause cancer?

2009-03-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Is it possible to cause cancer by picking a mole?

Picker
*******

Dear Picker,

Victor's Take:

Picking at anything does not cause cancer.

Cancer is any malignant growth or tumor caused by abnormal and uncontrolled cell division; it may spread to other parts of the body through the lymphatic system. (Princeton.edu)

--Victor
*********

Ronnie's Take:

I'm not a doctor but I'm told no it cannot cause cancer but if cancer already exists it speeds up the growth rate by picking at it from the interaction that the body gives to heal the picking you are doing.

--Ronnie
*********

Eddie's Take:

I'm no expert, but I have had several moles removed for various reasons. I have never had a biopsy come back positive for cancer. I did learn 4 characteristics that deem a mole a potential problem, which should be evaluated by your doctor. When I was in massage school, we learned the ABCD's of skin cancer:

A - Asymmetry - The mole should be very similar on both sides.
B - Border - The mole should not have jagged edges
C - Color - The color should not be very dark brown or black
D - Diameter - The diameter should not be larger than a pencil's eraser.

You may want to research to get the exact medical definitions. I'm surprised that I even remember this from school.

P.S. If you have hair that constantly grows out of your mole, be sure to trim it. Not for heath reasons, just because it is not fun to look at.

--Eddie
********

I am not a slut... get over it!!!

2009-03-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

To put it bluntly - my husband acts like I'm a slut. I have never cheated on him, never even been tempted to, but for some reason the fact that I lost my virginity before we met really seems to bother him (he was a virgin when we met). He judges me by what I did in high
school, which was over 10 years ago for me. I can't change my past, and I can't figure out what to do to get him past this. He tells me if he thinks someone on TV is attractive, which doesn't bother me, but if I say anything about a man on TV, he acts like I'm going to run off and sleep with that person. I reassure him regularly that I love him and I'd never cheat on him, but I can only hear it so many times before I just want to run away. What can I do to help his poor self esteem?

Always Judged
***************

Dear Always Judged,

Ronnie's Take:

Well check a few things here. Have you communicated your feelings in a clear and concise manner? Does he meet the 80/20 rule? Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If he does, then communicate as much as you can, but that accept no relationship is perfect, and learn to live with it. It's real easy to just laugh something off. Laugh and say yeah right-- if it's not that big of a deal for you. Is this a deal breaker? His insecurity is what is leading to the attacks. Can you live with that?

--Ronnie
*********

Victor's Take:

It sounds like your husband is a very insecure person. These insecurities probably stem from his childhood. I'm assuming you knew about these insecurities and self esteem issues during your dating years and chose, for whatever reason, to overlook them. You are not the only one, believe me.

Your husband needs to see a psychologist/psychiatrist as soon as possible.
Your job is to be a wife, not to be his self esteem life coach or insecurity fixer. The hard part is going to be that you are going to try and convince him to go. You cannot; it is a decision he needs to make on his own.

I hope, for your sake and his, that he will get help and will not force you to "run away".

Good luck to you.

--Victor
********

Eddie's Take:

First, make sure that there isn't anything that you are doing that he may perceive as crossing the line. Sometimes a woman likes attention a bit too much, and that can bother a husband. Do you dress a little too sexy when you go out? Do you often go out without him? Do guys hit on you often? These things, though small and trivial to you, may make him feel like he could lose you to someone else. I read a management book once that talked about filling your employees bucket. Basically, their low esteem is a result of constantly dipping out of the bucket. Compliments, thanks, and showing love are great ways to fill your husband's bucket. It's no different than weeding a garden. You have to put in some work to reap the benefits of a beautiful garden.

It is obvious that he doesn't see how much you love him. Guys can be very child-like in regard to this. He needs to know that he is number one. So, try putting him up on a pedestal once in a while, and see how that turns out. Make him feel like that hottest guy on the planet... you know, give his ego a stroke.

--Eddie
********

I Just Wanna Go Back Home!

2009-03-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Here's my question. I am a transplant from Louisiana and have been away for about 3 years. I would love nothing more than to be back around my family and friends back home. The problem is that I am married to a great man but he absolutely hates Louisiana. We've lived there when we first married and he had a very bad experience there overall. My family really didn't like him, he lost a really good job, and he complained about never seeing his family and friends. Now we are both set in our careers and have some good opportunities back in Louisiana now. I am just absolutely miserable away from home and really think passing up the job offers back home is a BIG mistake. Ive talked to him about how much I hate where we live several times and his response is" Baby I love you but if you really wanna move back you are going to have to do it without me". What do I do to convince him that I cannot stand being away from home anymore?

Homesick
*********

Dear Homesick,

Victor's Take:

I'm guessing that when you married him, you knew of his disdain for Louisiana but that was not a deal breaker for you.

You could start packing and see what he does.

Seriously, everything in life is a trade off. Is your marriage more important to you than missing home, family, friends, and good job opportunities? Ideally, you could have your cake and eat it too. The reality, however is very different - life is not like Burger King, you cannot have it your way.

You could also work hard every day to make his life miserable until he gives in and gives you what you want. It worked on me in the past.

I think you sit down one more time with him and make a pro / con list. Go over all the possible scenarios and leave no stone unturned. If the only con he can come up with is, "I hate Louisiana" the list is going to look kind of silly in your favor, isn't it? That's the approach I would use to "convince"
him.

Ultimately, you cannot make him do anything. If you go for the making him miserable approach, you might move home but he will resent you for the rest of your life and I'm thinking that is not the correct equation for a good marriage.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor
********

Ronnie's Take:

Relationships are about sacrifice. You can't change where your heart is, but you have to decide which one is your-- heart your home or your hubby. You can replace a hubby, but not a hometown and family. He has made his decision clear and hasn't mis-led you in any way. Make a decision and make the best of the result you choose.

--Ronnie
*********

Eddie's Take:

I have a friend that is in a similar situation, and it is a tough one to be in. When someone has a bad experience in a place, it is not easy for them to want to go back. My friend has tried several times, but his wife has said that she will never move back there with him. When you find yourself at a crossroad, such as this one, you have to evaluate the pros and cons of the situation. There is no win-win scenario her. You stay where you are-- you are miserable. He moves-- he is miserable. The bottom line is that life is about making yourself happy. When you reflect on your life, you don't want to have a bunch of what-ifs. It sounds to me like you miss Louisiana bad enough to make the move without him. Is that something you are prepared to do? There's no magic recipe here-- just a tough decision.

If you value your marriage, things may be able to work out where you are. If the marriage is unfulfilling, then follow your heart back home.

I wish I could paint a better picture, but it is what it is.

P.S. Try researching the job market for him. Maybe a better career would make him consider.

--Eddie
********

Was I Just a Booty Call?

2009-03-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hi guys! I have a question that is best answered by a guy. Or three! I hung up my dating shoes a few years ago because I just didn't enjoy it. Recently however, I decided to give it another try. I met a guy on an internet dating site a few weeks ago. I decided to go out with him even though I wasn't all that attracted to him. Once we met, found I really liked him (but still wasn't that physically attracted to him). We had a fabulous first date...drinks, museum, dinner and a little makeout time that got a little bit passionate. We happened to be at a hotel bar and he invited
me to "get a room" I declined saying I'd rather we get to know each other better but was definitely interested in that option later on. A few days later we had a second date...coffee and conversation ...also nice. We planned a third date for the following week...dinner and a movie and then...you know...get a little "closer". I'm 49 years old, divorced, independent and successful. It's been over 2 years since I've been intimate with anyone and he, being older also, seemed like a good candidate. So the big day comes... instead of him showing up, he calls to tell me he's tired
from travelling, he's almost home, and would I like to come over for a sleepover. I didn't know what to think! We just went from having a nice date with a nice ending to a "booty call". I declined. That was pretty much "the end." So what's the deal? What did I go wrong?

Not a Booty Call
***************

Dear NBC,

Ronnie's Take:

Did you ever think he was telling the truth? Maybe he was tired and was feeling comfortable enough with you after a couple of weeks to say that. Did you try telling him how you feel? Communication is the easiest form of solving a problem. You had nothing to lose by telling him how that made you feel. Most older people can handle a booty call, especially when he has did some wining and dining. Sounds like he put some time in and wasn't rude anywhere along the process. On another note, I do have a problem with you not being attracted to him. While that is far from everything in a relationship, it is a big part. You two didn't have much a chance. Giving up on dating closes an option in life and you never want to limit your options. Take your time and pick your spots.

--Ronnie
**********

Victor's Take:

Let me ask you a question. Did you think for one second that he might be telling the truth?

"he calls to tell me he's tired from travelling, he's almost home, and would I like to come over for a sleepover"

Also, he did say sleepover. He didn't say booty call or sex or anything remotely close to it. If you sleep over, is sex an automatic forgone conclusion? I don't think so, and maybe he didn't either.

Did you ask him?

I'm as sexual of a man that you will ever meet, I sleep with women all the time and don't have sex sometimes. If you set limits / put a boundary up, I will respect that.

It sounds like your first two dates went fairly well. Also, I understand you not wanting to go over there for a "sleepover", but what I don't understand- why not reschedule the date? Or did he already do that?

On your first date, he invited you to get a room with him. You declined, yet he still asked you out again. Did you get offended when he asked you to get a room? I'm guessing no. Now, you are going to get upset when he asks you to come over for a sleepover?

These are the kind of mixed signals that drive men nuts! (I know, women
too...)

It sounds like you two hit it off and had chemistry. Go out with him again.
Maybe that's why you are not having fun dating. You cannot have fun when you are overanalyzing so much.

--Victor
********

Eddie's Take:

I would think that someone older is really not interested in playing games. Guys have a tendency to get comfortable much faster than women. It sounds like he felt like things were going good enough, so asking you over was okay.

I admire you standing your ground, but all you have to do is communicate that to him. If you have already had a bit of intimate time with him (and, he called you for another date), then he must have really starting liking you. It sounds like you met a genuinely good guy, and every woman will tell you that there isn't too many of those out there.

So, put your dating shoes back on, give this guy a call, and try to rekindle what was starting to blossom.

P.S. Looks are temporary anyway. When someone makes you feel complete, they are beautiful to you.

--Eddie
********

Victim of a Two-Faced Fake Friend

2009-03-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

A friend of mine became very upset with me over something petty and decided to be two-faced instead of telling me straight up that she no longer wished to be friends. When I confronted her about this she instantly said f*&$ me, f*&$ my husband and then said f&$* my children,calling them the seeds of the devil! I DO NOT ACCEPT ANYONE SPEAKING THIS WAY AGAINST MY CHILDREN! I found it very immature of her. My question is,why would anyone bring someone's children into an argument? I just don't understand! I'm hoping that you and/or your readers could help me shed some sort of light on this and help me see why she would say such a thing against innocent children. Thanks so much!

No Longer a Friend
******************

Dear No Longer a Friend,

Victor's Take:

When people are upset, they sometimes say things that are absurd, make no sense, are hurtful, etc. Does that make it ok? Absolutely not. Hopefully, by the time we post this answer your friend will have called and apologized for saying what she said. If not, she might have done you a big favor. Saying these things ended your friendship; who wants people in their life that would say such things? I know I would not.

--Victor
********

Ronnie's Take:

People lash out for many reasons. Her anger was not directed at your kids; it was directed to hurt you. Name-calling never helps any argument I have ever seen, in fact, it hurts and makes it worse. If you care about each other reach out to her. Ask her what did you do to deserve that kind of attack. Apologize for anything you might have done to make her react that way. These are ways of defusing the situation and maybe continuing the friendship. There are also times when it is best to walk away from a friendship. Make sure you make an effort to communicate and offer an olive breach of peace. This will make you feel better about yourself in the long run.

--Ronnie
*********

Eddie's Take:

This sounds like she really crossed the line. I am surprised you didn't smack her in the face. When people are hurt, they often lash out with things that they know will get to you. Bringing your kids in the mix is totally ludicrous. If I was you, I would forget she existed. She sounds totally immature and hateful.

I really can't add anything else to this. Kids are innocent, and only a foolish person would say something like that.

--Eddie
********

Making $ on the Internet

2009-03-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Is there a survey site on the net which actually pays, or are they all just not worth it ?

Need Cash
**********

Dear NC,

Ronnie's Take:

Pennies a survey. A lot of work for a little return is what I've been told. It's money but not a quick fix.

--Ronnie
*********

Victor's Take:

Since the inception of the Internet, I have not heard of or met one single person in my life that has made a dime with online surveys. If one of our readers had a differing opinion or view, I invite them to share and we will be happy to pass along the information.

Thanks for your question.

--Victor
*********

Eddie's Take:

Okay... I have a question for you. If you had a get rich scheme that delivered maximum return for minimal effort, would you share it with everyone? I doubt it.

You know the old adage-- if it's too good to be true, it probably is.

Info-mercials, pop-ups, emails, etc. all are designed to get you to make an impulse buy. It sounds so good, and so easy. You can make $5000/wk. I think it is bull.

If I could make a fortune doing something on the internet, I definitely would not tell the world about it. Maybe you should look into being a secret shopper. There is a small registration fee, but you actually get paid to go shopping, and you get to keep what you buy.

--Eddie
********

The Mystery of Women

2009-03-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Why is it so many women enjoy messing with guys heads? It's quite simple-- they always say one thing but mean the other.

Just a Guy
**********

Dear Just a Guy,

Ronnie's Take:

It's sad. I agree, but we have to play the game. Play the game for good intentions. To get the girl you want. You can still treat her good, but you have to play the game.

It's simple-- have attitude and act like you don't care if you with her or not. Go read our 10 rules for men and see if you missed any. You were thinking you were communicating, but there was things she wasn't telling you. You better learn to have confidence, attitude, talk to her and be good in bed. All four are equally important. Sounds like you had them down but something broke down.

Some women lack self-confidence and cheating makes them feel good that other guys want them. You have one choice with them. Get the hell away. There are many fish in the sea. I was married to a women who lacked self-esteem and needed the guys to build her up. She cheated on me twice. I moved on. I'm VERY happy.

Go read Ask 3 Guys 10 rules for men and GET INTO THE GAME or get left behind.

--Ronnie
*********

Victor's Take:

Don't try to understand a woman... just love her. - Hurl's Girl

First a story...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK.
You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

When men figure out women, women will figure out men. My point - don't let them play games with you. Don't let them come back for third chances.

Mostly importantly - don't allow yourself to be played or run over by anyone, be it a man or a women. Know when to say when (and NO!) and move on.

Thanks for your question.

--Victor
********

Eddie's Take:

The day we understand the enigma known as woman, the day we conquer the world. With that said, I'll try to offer a little insight into the labyrinth of the opposite sex.

The key to understanding a woman is to interpret the tone and non-verbal communication that she sends with her message. Sure, she may say "yeah, you can go hang out with the guys", but are you really hearing what she wants. What she really means is that "you always choose your friends over me, and I really want you to stay home". Is this strange... yes. But, a woman wants you to make the decision to choose her. She wants you to make the decision for herself, but her expectation is that you spend the evening with her instead of the guys. No means yes, yes means no... I know-- it is all to confusing, but we can't live without them.

Next time, try something like this:

"You know I haven't seen the fellows in a long time, I thought I would go have a few beers with them. But, first, I have something for you. Then, go down on her to let her know she is your top priority. Tell her that you won't be long, and, when you get home, she better be ready to to make love."

--Eddie
********

2009-03-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Okay, me and this guy have become close to each other but he lives in a different town, which is only like 15 minutes away. I want to hangout with him more, so he can get to know me more. I want a relationship, but I don't want to seem too desperate as in moving fast.....he told me straight up that he doesn't want to be friends, that he wants more, and I understand, but do I do? I really like this guy, but how do i get him to want me more. Like I said, I don't want to seem desperate, but I really like him, and he says he is totally different from any guy I have ever
met...its something I'm not used to-- being treated good... I want that chance with him to show him that i can be different from other girls that he has dated . HELP ME

--Confused Girl
***************

Dear Confused Girl,

Ronnie's Take:

Well, most good relationships take time to develop. Rushing in usually results in problems later. It's like a good bottle of wine or a fine dinner. You don't rush and finish. You take your time and enjoy it. That's part of the excitement, the anticipation of wanting more. Take your time, give some, then slow down some. You and him will enjoy it so much more. The best way I went about new relationships is fun with no expectations. This takes the guard down and allows everybody to be themselves. That's the best way for him to see the person you really are. No expectations-- show him you are independent, not desperate and happy with who you are. Guys love that. That's how I fell in love and now have a great relationship. Don't look desperate and needy, because it makes us run.

Ronnie
*******

Victor's Take:

First, I want you to take a deep breath, slow down, and relax!

You think you are on step 92 (out of 100) and you really are on step 7.

There is nothing that any of us are going to say here to make him like you more or to make it perfectly come together. There is no magic potion or pill he can take to make this work. Here is the best advice I can give you - be yourself. Don't force things, don't change to make him happy and most importantly don't think you can change him. You cannot change him. All you can do is be yourself and believe me - that is good enough! Friendships are important and many strong relationships start with good friendships, especially when we are younger which I know you are.

Be patient and be yourself.

I've said it once, I'll say it a thousand times - guys will come and go, your education and your family are with you forever. Make sure you are focusing on the important things also.

Good luck!

--Victor
*********

Eddie's Take:

It sounds like this guy is into you. Be content with that. Don't focus on the type of girl he wants, or what you can do to get him to like your more. Additionally, don't through yourself at him just to gain his interest. He may jump on the opportunity, but it may paint the wrong picture for him. Be confident, be sexy, and, most importantly, be you. All you can do is be genuine when you are around him. You know what the best part of that is? When you get into a relationship with him, you can still be yourself. If you fake it now, you'll have to fake it later, or hope he likes the real you when your true colors come out.

So, do whatever it is that makes you happy. Don't think you need to force yourself into a mold that you assume he likes. Tell him how you feel, and let the magic happen.

--Eddie
********

Is Masturbation a Crime?

2009-03-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I love to masturbate, but I love it even more if someone is watching. I will do it on video chats sometimes hoping many people are watching. I do not care if they are girls or guys I just love cumming for people. I will masturbate at least once a day if not more but I am afraid if I do it on video cam someday I will get in trouble. Can I get in trouble for this if I do it in an adult chat room? Am I sick?

Spanky
*******

Victor's Take:

Do I think you are sick? No

Do I think your behavior is risky? Possibly

Any behavior can be classified as a problem when it becomes obsessive in nature. You didn't use those words, so I will assume that you are not obsessed with masturbation. If you think you are obsessive, or you think you have a problem (those are words you did use), I would recommend seeing a therapist.

When you are in an adult chat room, how do you know that all of the people in the room are in fact - adults?

Do you show your face when "performing" for your audience? If so, who might be on the other end? Someone you know - a coworker, family member. You are potentially putting yourself in all kinds of precarious positions.

Internet and decency laws vary from state to state (there are also Federal statues as well). If you continue to practice this behavior, I would immediately get educated on all of these laws and become an expert on it.

Your freedom could potentially be at risk.

--Victor
********

Ronnie's Take:

It must be controlled in the right settings. Don't exhibit your display to anybody not wanting to see it or of an inappropriate age. Privately-- have at. It's a personal choice that doesn't affect anyone else. There are groups for you that see things as you do and professional help if you would like to change. Keep it appropriate and do what your heart tells you.

--Ronnie
*********

Eddie's Take:

Well, if masturbation makes you sick, we are all doomed. Like anything in life, obsessive behavior is where the problem lies. Eating is perfectly natural, but excessive eating is problematic. So, ask yourself this question... Do I have a handle on this? If not, there are places to get help. Here is a good start:

http://www.sexualcontrol.com/masturbation-addiction.html

If you can't control yourself, then you have to work hard to occupy your time. Next, avoid putting yourself in the situation that allows that behavior. If you live with someone, maybe you can move the computer, so it is in the open.

It took a huge step for you to even submit this question, so you are definitely concerned with it. The internet has opened up a plethora of gateways into extreme sexual behavior.

Don't think you are alone. There a plenty people out there with sticky keyboards. Masturbation is perfectly natural, and the people watching you made a choice to watch you. The bottom line is that you should never let something control you. Have fun, but know your limits.

-Eddie
*******

How can I get closer to her?

2009-03-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I read all of your blogs and what you say to people about their problems. My problem is not as big. As in every man's life, there's that girl. Now, I really like this girl I go to school with. I asked her out to homecoming in August/September. Well, she said yes at first, but changed her mind because she just got a new bf. So, being the respectful guy I am; I backed off. Now, (6 months later) she is single again. I want to ask her out,but I'm not entirely sure how. She has been showing signs of being nicer and getting closer. My problem is that I'm not that good looking and she's the girl all the guys want. How do I go into getting closer to her? How do I get her to say yes?

A-M
******

Dear A-M

Ronnie's Take:

The age old question. The unapproachable girl for us average joes. Vic is the master of this. He is fearless when it comes to this. Guess what-- Vic gets turned down a lot. He is 5 ft nothing 100 and nothing as he says. It's like baseball-- 3 out of 10 say yes. Guess what 10 out of 10 say no that you don't ask. Carry yourself with confidence when you approach her. Assume the sale-- just say "I heard you are single now so we can get together for _______ "-- fill in whatever you want to do with her. Rejection does feel bad, and I have felt it a few times, but the pain and frustration of never taking the chance remains with you for a long time. Practice the 1st sentence because that is always the toughest part of a nervous question. As Nike says "just do it"!

--Ronnie
*********

Victor's Take:

Ask her out!

Here is my question. How long has she been single for? If it has been less than two months, be careful. You don't want to be the rebound relationship, especially if you feel like she is special.

She said yes once already, right? What makes you think she will not say yes once again?

Looks are not everything. I'm 5' nothing, a 100 and nothing pounds my friend. I look like David Spade. My friends call me the "White Urkel" sometimes... LOL!! Have confidence in yourself.

Take your time. Don't worry about "making her like you". Just be yourself.

A few tips:

1) Listen actively. Let her talk and listen.
2) Look into her eyes when speaking with her.
3) Have faith in yourself and what you have to offer.
4) Focus on your strengths and play to them.
5) Go read the 10 things that every guy should know at www.ask3guys.com

Please, follow up with us! I want to know how it work out.

Good luck!

--Victor
********

Eddie's Take:

To start, here's a few quotes from Michael Jordan. Now, they aren't about relationships, but it works:

1. "I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying. "

2. "I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. "

3. "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

4. I've never been afraid to fail."

I love number three. Jordan is definitely a basketball great, but he understands that mistakes are inevitable. Not trying is the real failure.

So, lace up your shoes, and get out on the court. Don't ever think you are not good looking enough, or not the right guy. You are who you want to be.

For this girl, I would just try to start hanging out with her. Apparently, the two of you are friends, so work on spending more time with her. Maybe see if she wants to go do something... maybe you have an extra concert ticket or something. Just be yourself and be confident. If you are nervous and timid, you will only hurt your chances. Go in knowing that you are being yourself, and, if it doesn't work out, at least you tried.

Dating is like interviewing applicants for a job. Sometimes you have to see a few before you find the right fit.

You'll be okay.

--Eddie
********

Can't get this guy out of my head

2009-03-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

When I was 16, I met this guy about 6 years older than me. We continued to see each other off and on for about 6 years. I guess you could say he pretty much turned me out. We had mind blowing sex and an amazing connection. (mentally, physically, and emotionally) Eventually some unique circumstances finally ended the relationship for good. Since, we have both moved on to have our own lives, including kids and spouses, we have not seen or spoken to each other in about 5 years. However, I cant seem to stop thinking about him and about us. Do guys have these same thoughts or is it more out of sight out of mind?

Nostalgia
*********

Dear Nostalgia,

Ronnie's Take:

I think but will I again? Yes, it is perfectly normal to have thoughts of the good times of days past. Make sure it's healthy though and not wrecking your relationships of today. You both moved on for reasons and seem to have done what was needed. Enjoy the good memories with a smile on your face and work on improving your new goals and relationships.

--Ronnie
-------------

Victor's Take:

I think everyone has that "one" - that one person that we connected with on every level. The sex was great, the chemistry phenomenal, etc. I know I did, and I am sure that most people reading this do too. I have good news for you. You get past it. There will be a time in the future where you will not think about him nearly as often as you do now. Furthermore, you might actually run into this man again down the road and something funny is going to happen. The shine, the luster - the high regard that you currently hold him is going to lessen.

Other great people are going to come into your life. Make sure your heart and mind are open so that you can allow them in.

--Victor
------------

Eddie's Take:

Chances are, if the relationship was that phenomenal, he probably reminisces about you once in a while as well. I know many people that have moved on, but they have phases when they can't get "the one" out of their head. The person ends up consuming their thoughts, as well as their dreams. What makes us reflect on the past? I wish I knew the answer to that. Our memories are like a giant scrapbook that stores the high times and low times of our lives. Every once in a while, we flip through the pages to reflect on our journey.

As far as your case goes, all I can say is that you should be thankful for the memories, and, if destiny prevails, your paths may end up crossing again.

It is just normal to wonder what could have happened. We all make decisions in our lives that are a result of bad timing.

--Eddie
-----------

How do I avoid hurting a girl?

2009-03-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok so I have myself in a situation I did not want to put myself in. I have been going out with this girl, and we have been having a lot of fun. She has a kid, lives 1.5 hours away, and is in the middle of a divorce. Now she is a great girl, but I am just not ready for such things in my life, and I can't see it going anywhere. Well, this weekend it became apparent that she is getting emotionally connected to me, even though she said she just wants to have fun and nothing more. I don't buy it, she even went to the point of telling me she was obsessed with me and needed to see me more then once every couple weeks. Even joking that I needed to sell my house and move closer to her. How do I let this girl down gently without causing her more heartbreak in her life?

Honorable Guy
**************

Dear HG,

Victor's Take:

Be honest. If you don't make your true feelings known now, the hurt that she will experience down the road will be far greater. Tell her what's on your mind and in your heart. Express to her that the last thing that you want to do is hurt her, and this is why it is so important that you deliver this message. Will she be hurt, disappointed even? Probably, but I promise you this - she will respect you for the truth.

Remember - it is difficult if not impossible for 90% of the population to separate sex and emotion/love.

--Victor
```````````

Ronnie's Take:

I've walked that walk before. I have found that the only thing you can do is be honest and communicate crystal clear. It is up to her. I always felt like keeping the friendship is worth more than hurting the person just to keep up the sex end. Be honest at ever turn. You enjoy the weekend flings because that's what works in your life right now, and there is no room for anything more. If she can't handle that, you understand, and would rather go back to just being friends. The bad part is this even makes them realize how good of a guy you really are and they want you even more-- that's why I said it's up to her, you can't control or change her feelings.

--Ronnie
``````````

Eddie's Take:

If you would have asked me this ten years ago, I would have just told you to avoid her. I admire that you are such an honorable guy that wants to do what is right. I have since evolved from the bad guy I was, so let's see what I would do.

First, just be straight up with her. You can't hold back on your decisions just to spare someone's emotions. Sometimes, you just have to do what needs to be done. This is no different than firing someone. You have to take your feelings out of the equation, as well as understand that time will heal her hurt.

Your second choice is to slowly end things, but you risk the chance of her becoming even more attached to you, so that might not be a good route to take.

Honest communication goes a long way, so just open up to her. The times when we are faced with difficult decisions are the most character-defining moments of our lives.

Good luck.

--Eddie
````````

We broke up, but he still has my stuff.

2009-03-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I was seeing this person for about a year and I finallydecided to call it quits. The question I have is he still has stuff at hishouse that belongs to me and he refuses to give it back. Just an opinionabout how guys think would be nice. There is no turning back for me withthis person, what do you think.

Collateral Damage
****************

Dear Collateral Damage,

Ronnie's Take:

The whole object here is to get your stuff back. Wait a few days. Time helps. Kill him with kindness. A sk him what is he gaining by keeping your stuff. Is it really that important to him? Would he have rather you stayed with him when you saw no future? Challenge him by saying that you thought he would be more mature about this. Be nice about it. Tell him it would be nice to see him again like a friend.

--Ronnie
~~~~~~~~~

Eddie's Take:

This is a tough situation. If he is by any chance a phycho, then just forgot about your stuff. There is nothing you can do, short of calling the police, to get your belongings back. If he is a somewhat civilized person, then you have a shot.

First, be nice when you talk to him-- even if you have to grin and bear it. If you have some valuable or sentimental things, try playing on his emotions. Let him know that these things are very important to you, and you wish he would just give them back. Tell him your are not trying to cause any problems, and there's no reason to keep your things just to be mean. Apparrently, he is not over you, and this is his way of trying to get you back. Don't fall for that.

Lastly, if he doesn't cooperate, tell him you have no choice but to take care of this from a legal standpoint. My caveat there is that he may get pissed and destroy your stuff.

In the end, don't put yourself in a difficult situation over material things. Just about anything can be replaced, and, sometimes, ex's can just be retards about doing the mature thing.

Let us know how it worked out.

--Eddie
~~~~~~~~

Victor's Take:

This is a tough question for me because I am usually the "amiable" break up guy. "Take your stuff, yeah whatever you want to take, I don't care" - that guy. I just never really put any serious value into material things. The sentimental things, that's a different story and a different question.

I assume we are talking about material things with tangible values here like TV's, sofa's, CD's, DVD's, etc.

I would let things cool off and then write him a letter asking him for your stuff back with an itemized list - nicely. Use words like please, appreciate, and help - plenty. Send it certified mail, keep a copy of the receipt as well as a copy of the letter. Tell him in the letter you expect a response within 30 days of the receipt of the letter. If you receive no response within 30 days from him, you next step is small claims court, although another certified letter from a lawyer asking more firmly for your stuff back would be a good second step. Every jurisdiction in the Union has laws that govern these types of situations. Make sure that you can prove most of the stuff that you are claiming is yours. Credit card billing statements, receipts, and affidavits from witnesses that can verify that the items in question are in fact yours would all be helpful in your pursuit.

I hope the two letters work and it will not come to taking your ex to court.

Good luck.

--Victor
~~~~~~~~

Troubled Marriage... Will it ever work?

2009-03-02T16:51:00.002-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I would like to start by saying I like the advice given in the blogs. The 80/20, and how Victor points out exactly what you are saying, letting you know you have the answers being told to you. They just need it to be pointed out by a 3rd party. With all that said...

I have been married for 5.5 years, found out the day we were married how bad the jealousy really was. I would say our marriage is about 50/50 instead of 80/20. I feel like every holiday or around every 3 months since we were married (even on honeymoon) we have questioned our marriage. I know we are still together somewhat because of kids and finances.

Here is another thing though... I'm wondering if I am really questioning my life now because I recently have started talking to a man whom I adored and adored me. I know it's possible to really be truly happy. Am I wasting my life away being married to someone who I don't think is the love of my life? Should I not be so selfish once kids are involved?

Worried Wife
************

Dear Worried Wife,

Ronnie's Take:

Broke and self-hapiness is better to me then security and living with someone who is not my life partner.I stayed married for a long time because of kids and finances. Once We finally made the break my relationship with my kids even grow more. The quality time of shared custody was better. Now yes I am wayyyyy broke and lost a house and retirement accounts.I WOULDN'T GO BACK FOR THE WORLD!!!

--Ronnie
********

Eddie's Take:

First of all, there is no way that you can be giving your all if you are talking to some other guy. In my book, that is just bullshit. Have you expressed your concerns to your husband? Does he tell you what bothers him to cause his alleged jealousy? I pride myself on being a black and white person when it comes to analyzing problems (hence, the whole analytical guy thing). And, in the decision-making process, I don't operate in a grey area at all. I am this way at work and in life, with friends and with family.

So, don't sugar coat anything. If you are done, then be done. Don't keep dragging him along with some false hope that things may get better. There is nothing that bothers me more than someone that can't speak their heart. Forget the feelings involved. Forget the money. Forget the kids. All of that will work out over time. You just need to lay your cards on the table. Either (A) we are not going to work, and we need to end it, or (B) there are some things that we need to work on if we want our marriage to be a success. Then, open up to him with the same things you expressed to us.

I guess this is just a sore spot for me, because I think emotional relationships (even talking on the phone with a guy you adore) is a form of cheating. More importantly, it is lying. Honesty and trust are the building blocks of a successful relationship. Without one, you can't expect the other.

Now, tell the guy what's on your mind. He deserves that much.

--Eddie
********

Victor's Take:

The reasons most often given for people that stay together in bad marriages - finances and children.

Let me say two things. First, do you think your kids don't know you have a bad marriage? If you think no, then you are fooling yourself. Kids see and hear everything. So that begs the next question - do you want your kids to grow up thinking that your marriage is what a good marriage should look like? Or, is not your happiness a key component to providing a loving, stable family unit for your children?

Two, I'd live on Ramen noodles and stay in a 1 bedroom efficiency before I ever stayed in a bad marriage that was making me unhappy.

Before giving up, I highly recommend marriage counseling.

I'll finish with this - this man that adores you and you adore him. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Remember that when making your future decisions.

--Victor
********

Disappearing Act

2009-03-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What makes guys just disappear? Especially after he just told you that you were the only woman for him and that he loves you and always has.

--MIA
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Dear MIA,

Ronnie's Take:

It's hard to see which guys are sincere and which are just after sex (we lie for sex). Review whats makes you choose a guy and where you are meeting them. Many guys are good guys, but some are bad. If this is a recurring problem, then maybe it's time to look at yourself. Are you getting clingy, do you talk too much (most do and this drives me away), too flirty with other guys, etc. Only you can evaluate your behavior. Don't give up, but a relationship doesn't have anything to do with your happiness or success in life. Be comfortable with who you are, and the rest usually falls in place.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

Guys tell women what they want to hear for one reason: because it works.

I have a friend that is dating a guy; they have been going out for 3-4 weeks now. Two weeks into it, he's calling her "baby" and "honey" and telling her things like "I miss you". After 4 weeks?? Come on...

I always tell women - trust your instincts. If in one sentence he's telling you he loves you, and in the next he saying "goodbye" two things have occurred:

One, he got what he wanted.
Two, aren't you really better off without him? Do you really want someone like that in your life?

If a guy is telling you he loves you on the third date, my advice to you is simple: RUN!

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

I don't understand why women have such a hard time understanding guys. A guy is going to be everything you want him to be in the beginning. It's like dressing nice for a job interview or something. In the courting stage, a man wants you to think that he is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Just like with a job, sometimes the real character, performance, or work ethic isn't seen in an employee until after they get settled in. I have interviewed people that blew me away, but it was all an act. A few months later, they turned out to be horrible employees. So, just know that some guys will talk the talk, but never walk the walk.

If this happens to you often, try not putting too much into their words in the beginning of the relationship. Base everything off of their actions. Look for similar signs that remind you of guys that disappeared.

As for as your specific case, the guy has moved on to something else. I seriously doubt that it is truthfully anything to do with work, or whatever excuse he may give you. When guys leave like this, it doesn't totally close the chapter on the relationship. They figure they can call you with some lame excuse, then you may let him back in-- even if it is just for a booty call. All you can do is decide not to tolerate bull crap like this. Be strong and stand your ground. Don't be fooled by anyone.

Good luck.

--Eddie
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I kissed my gay friend and I liked it

2009-02-28T07:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

First, I'll give you some background information. I am 17, and I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months, we are still in love, but now he is depressed and drinking alot, so we've agreed to not get back together until he sorts himself out. He has promised me that he would not
hook up with any girls, and I promised I would not hook up with any guys. I was at a small party at a friends house the other night, after taking ecstasy. Me and the girl whose house it was were dirty dancing, and then we ended up making out. That was not really a big deal, kissing girls,
whatever, but then we ran outside saying "OMG OMG WE JUST KISSED!!" to a gay, male friend of ours. He jumped up and started yelling "OMG OMG OMG I WANNA KISS YOU!" We kissed, my ex was there, but he didn't care, he thought it was hilarious. We were all really messed up, and he is gay, so I thought nothing of it. Then, later everyone started going to bed. There were about 10 people staying in this 2-bedroom house that night, so we were all sharing beds and sleeping in mattresses on the floor. I ended up sharing a bed with my gay friend, who had come down off the pills completely by this time, and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for quite a while, and then I started giggling and asked him "isn't this weird for you?" and he said "no, not at all." and then kept kissing me. I asked him what was going through his mind-- he said "honestly, a million and one things" I was still a bit high and not tired at all, so I kept on asking "are you still awake? are you still awake?" and he was laying there stroking my hair whispering "even if I fall asleep, I'm still here with you..." I have just been in shock, he is pretty much your stereotypical gay guy, there is NO WAY I could see him ever being into a girl, EVER. What the hell is going on? Also, I feel bad about kissing him. I know the first one was ok with my ex, he just thought it was funny because he was gay, however the kiss in the bed was a LOT different and I feel like I have crossed the line. I kinda want to tell my ex, but I have no idea how he will react, and I am worried that it will ruin my chances with getting back together with him,
but it's killing me to keep it in, I feel extremely guilty. My head is just spinning at the moment, I'm still trying to process what happened aha!

Um, yeah... HELP?

Gay Friend Frencher
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Dear GFF,

Eddie's Take:

Okay, the part when you said you two just happen to end up sharing the same mattress. That is a load of horse crap. You knew what you were doing. If you were only on E, then you still had a functioning state of mind. You liked the kiss, and you knew that it would continue if you shared the same bed with him. I just think that you have to take some ownership in what happened. Unless you combined several drugs, perhaps even taken G, there's no way that you were not in control. Besides, if that were the case, you would have no recollection of what happened-- yet, you do. Sounds like you got caught up in having a good time, now you feel guilty.

What can you do? Your ex knows you kissed the guy, so he is going to deal with one kiss or ten kisses the same way. If he didn't care, then you have a chance.

Finally, this gay guy is apparently not 100% gay. His normal behavior could just be a front, but it sounds like he was into you at the moment. Maybe he is bi-sexual. You need to talk to him to see where his head is with all of this too.

We live, we learn. Hopefully, you learned that adding drugs to the mix doesn't always yield the expected results. Try to be a bit smarter in the future.

--Eddie
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Victor's Take:

Ok, there are a few of issues here.

First, I would tell your ex. I am all about the honesty and besides, living your life in guilt it no way to live. Plus, you crossed the line.

Second, I know gay guys that are still attracted to and occasionally have sex with women. It happens all the time. Additionally, I'm assuming Mr. Gay Guy is around your age (17). He may still be in the midst of exploring his sexuality.

Finally, not to be a major kill joy but - when you are 17, you are going to make poor decisions that you might potentially regret. Add drugs or excessive alcohol use to the mix, and you will DEFINITELY put yourself in positions to make decisions that you can never take back and will regret for the rest of your life. You have a ton of life to live - be careful and try and make responsible choices.

--Victor
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Ronnie:

The effects of "x" will last for many hrs and has clearly been known to even last for days. It was first used as a marriage counseling drug so its draws you closer to the people you are around. I would chalk it up to a drug induced experience. You had no intentions of cheating. You seem to be just getting comfort with a friend. Not a big deal, no need to carry it any farther. "On break" in a relationship is always tough.

--Ronnie
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