Several for your reading pleasure!!!

Thought we would post a few for you to chew on. Be sure to tell your friends to check us out at www.ask3guys.com!

Dear Ask 3 Guys:

Here’s the Lo-Down…

14, girl, skinny, go to an all girl's high school, friends who've lost their virginity already. It's not right. Maybe I'm not the girl that's just going to give it all up, but I don't get noticed by who I want to... what I'm saying is, guys are into me, but it's not there with them. I don't want anything shallow.

How do I play the game?

--Solitaire…

Dear solitaire:

Ronnie’s Take:

Have fun, and fake it to you make it. The right choice isn't always the easiest choice. Stick by your morals, and your time will come when you are proud to make the choice on your terms. No need to rush!

--Ronnie

Eddie’s Take:

Whatever you do, don’t sacrifice your beliefs to get noticed or fit in. You still have plenty of time to figure things out. At your age, you should be focused on two things… (1) School (sorry to sound parentish), and (2) Discovering who you are. Spend plenty of time on the latter. Teens often find themselves trying so hard to fit in, which causes them to fabricate an identity to match what is expected. It is so important to discover who you are, and focus on letting people see that. Walk with confidence, focus on having fun, and you will see that people will be attracted to you for the right reasons.

--Eddie

Dear Ask 3 Guys:

I have been chatting with this guy online since last April, and he even came to Texas where I live to visit. He is in the military, so he does not get a lot of time off, but we agreed to wait to see each other. While he was here last to see me, he did not spend the time with me that he originally told me he would. I did let him know I was disappointed and very confused. That is when he said he would be back now in December to spend more time with me. Just last week he now is telling me it will not be until Feb 2010 now. My friends and family think he is using me and I should start dating other guys, but I like him a lot and I want to believe him. Should I date other people and still keep chatting with him online???

--IM

Dear IM:

Victor’s Take:

I think if you choose to date other people, that is absolutely ok - but, you should be 100% honest with him. Being in the military is not optional for him, and obviously he cannot provide you the attention you would like. If he chats with you all the time, yet sends mixed signals when he comes home (not spending as much time with you as you would like, etc.), and this situation is unacceptable to you (judging by your question, it is) then I think you should move on.

I wish you well...

--Vic

Eddie’s Take:

I think that he enjoys chatting with you, because there is not much to do where he is stationed. When someone stationed overseas can connect with someone, it helps them to escape from where they are. This is no different from a person in jail sending you letters. However, when the guy gets to visit, he has many more options to do whatever he wants. So, it appears that you have taken the back seat when he is in town. I think he does not want to settle down, but he enjoys chatting with you. If you can keep that going, fine. But, I would not wait for him. Be open and honest with him, and everything will fall into place.

--Eddie

Dear Ask 3 Guys:

I just found out this past weekend that my son has a crush on a little girl in his class. My son is 6 and the girl is 7 years old. I was told by the girl's parents that my son writes their daughter love notes at least once a day and passes them to her during class. My husband, I and her parents, their family and their friends all think that it is so cute! It's my son's 2nd little crush...1st one was in preK. Well, I told my mother what I had been told about her grandson's "Love Life" and she took it SERIOUSLY...she said that the family could get him for stalking if the notes become unwanted, the teacher could give him detention for passing notes during class, and she also passed a comment that it may get "out of hand"....

Like I said, my son is 6 years old. He knows NOTHING about sex, relationship, nor love for that matter. The only love he really understands is the love he feels for me, his dad, brother, grandparents and his dog. Why do you think my mother took this so seriously? It's YOUNG LOVE...it's INNOCENT LOVE. I just don't understand her reasoning for saying such things. I did ask her why she thought that way and she didn't respond except by rolling her eyes.

Could ya'll please give me your opinions on this subject and try to explain where you think my mother is coming from? I just can't figure her out. Thank you so much!

Love,

Lover Boy's Mommy J

Dear LBM:

Victor’s Take:

The easy answer to this question is that I think your mother is overprotective. Think back to when you were being raised by her? How did she treat you? I'm guessing that she was overprotective of you as well. From a partial comical standpoint, it sounds like your mother is watching too much Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil. I'm all for getting your mother and your mother-in-law's input on the raising of your child, but there needs to be a time and a place where you politely agree to disagree and move on.

Ultimately, you both have your child's best interests at heart. That is what matters. If the only thing you have to worry about in the raising of your son is puppy love, consider yourself ridiculously lucky. I'm guessing it won't be. I wish you the best of luck going forward.

--Vic

Ronnie’s Take:

This is minor and, at that age, cute. I don't know the laws pertaining to it at that age, so I wouldn't advise but it sure seems innocent and not worthy of wasting time with the grandma. Just pacify her and move on. No need to be alarmed… this is perfectly natural.

--Ronnie

Dear Ask 3 Guys:

I have a problem. I have liked one of my brother's friends for a really long time. In the past, he has said that he can't date me because he is afraid it will affect his friendship with my brother if it doesn't work out, and that he doesn't have the time for a relationship right now. This was fine with me, because I was fine with just being friends. Ok, so they have another friend that they think I should date. He is really funny and a really great guy and I do like him, but I didn't think it would be fair to him for me to date him when I know that I still have feelings for the first guy. Here comes the confusing part-- a couple weeks ago, my brother and his wife had a party at their house. And, we had a few drinks, but Iwas not so drunk that we didn't know what we were doing. So me and the first friend ended up sleeping together (not having sex just a little fooling around) it was his idea *not mine*, and it came out of nowhere. I think that he was afraid that I was going to sleep with the other guy, which isn't something that I would do. Anyways despite what happened, he has not changed his mind about
not wanting a relationship. And he has said that he knows we can't be friends with benefits, because I want more and it wouldn't be fair to me. So when they had another party yesterday, he told my sister-in-law a couple days
before that he wanted to mess around again, which again was fine with me because I like the guy and want to be with him. Well the next day my she told me that their other friend was asking what was up between me and the first guy and she explained that I do like him and that it's hard for me because I have liked him for so long and that I know he is a good guy and I don't want to hurt him.


So my problem is this-- I'm having a hard time deciding between the two of
them. I don't know if I'm wasting my time thinking that he will one day
decide that he wants more, and if he doesn't I think I have pretty much blown
my chance with a good guy by picking the other one over him-- not once, but
twice. I would appreciate any advice you can give me thank you.

--Complicated

Dear Complicated:

Victor’s Take:

Here is my question... what do YOU want? If you just want a friend with benefits type situation, with no relationship or strings attached - keep fooling around with the first guy. Maybe it will turn in to something, but there is just no way of predicting that. Guy #1 sounds like he has been honest with you - which is great - although, he is fooling around with your feelings - which he probably doesn't even realize he is doing. I'm guessing that you are 18 or 19, he - 23 or 24. At that age, you are not mature enough to separate sex from emotion. Most people are incapable of it in their lifetimes, so it is not just an age thing.

The bottom line is this - you WANT a relationship. I can tell by your question. The first guy wants no part of a relationship. Launch Guy #1 and move to Guy #2. If Guy#2 turns out to be no good, maybe Guy#1 seeing you with another man may cause him to act.

Good luck to you...

--Vic

Ronnie’s Take:

I would go to your brother first. Explain everything to him and get his opinion. The friend could just be using that as an excuse.

If you don't get any results, then you need to do the take away move. Tell the friend there is no future, so you are ending the fooling around stuff and moving on. If he really likes you he will come running. If not, then you need to move on any way.

Give the other guy a chance. People will have many relationships that end in break-ups; it's not the end of the world. Any chance, even if limited for him, beats no chance.

--Ronnie

Eddie’s Take:

I think I followed you. Here’s the skinny--- don’t allow guys to play games with you. If you continually make yourself available to guy #1 (at his convenience), then he will continue to use you.

The big problem is that you feel like you have to choose between one of those guys. There is no reason to have a contingency plan when it comes to dating. “If guy #1 is out, then there is always guy #2, but if I mess things up with guy#2, I may lose guy#1"—I’m sure it goes something like that.

Live your life. Don’t give into anyone’s bullshit. Make them chase you.

--Eddie

The Good Guy or the Bad Guy?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been seeing this guy exclusively for 3 1/2 months. In the beginning, things were so intense... the interest that we had in one another was unreal. Hour long talks... date after date... lots of laughs and good times. Our compatibility level is unbelievable. He's a wonderful man in ever way. I no longer see him as a challenge. I know 100% that he's not going anywhere. Although I love the security, I feel like I'm less attracted to him because he makes himself so available to me. I'm recently divorced. I was married to a man who neglected me in every way (complete opposite of my current boyfriend). I'm worried that because I became so use to the neglectful way of life that I lived, that it will interfere with my new relationship. I am so thankful to have this man in my life. I know we could have a wonderful life together. However, there are days when I feel so in love with him, but others when I question the feelings that I have. I've been feeling this way for the past month. I'm just not sure how it's possible for me to go from one extreme to the next, then back... How do I keep this thing alive???

--Baffled Babe
*********************

Dear Baffled:

Victor's Take:

"I no longer see him as a challenge."

Why?

"I feel like I'm less attracted to him because he makes himself so available to me."

Why?

"I was married to a man who neglected me in every way (complete opposite of my current boyfriend). I'm worried that because I became so use to the neglectful way of life that I lived, that it will interfere with my new relationship."

You think???? It is...

Look, you have unresolved issues from your abusive relationship. I'll go a step further and speculate that your parents probably had a strained relationship at best, and an abusive one at most. You need counseling. It seems like you have tried to deal with this / rectify this in your head - which I applaud you for. But, it also seems like you cannot do it on your own. That's ok - most people cannot. I would schedule an appointment with a counselor - psychologist, psychiatrist, etc as soon as possible. You don't want to let the best thing that has happened to you (from a relationship standpoint) walk out the door.

Good luck!

--Vic
***************

Eddie's Take:

Okay, here we go. This is a perfect example of how screwed up we are. We want what we can't have, and we don't want what we have.

Let's paint a little picture---

Two women are talking about men over lunch. The single woman is talking about all the losers that she has dated, and she goes on and on about Mr. Right. I believe it goes something like this...

He is good-looking, dresses nice, he has good teeth and hair, he has a great job, he treats me like a princess, he goes out of his way for me, he talks and listens to me, he is great in bed, he is not abusive, he isn't on drugs or alcohol, etc...

Did I miss anything? If I did, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.

So, how come when a guy has all of those boxes checked off, women get tired of him? What the hell is up with that?

In many cases, women are drawn to a certain type of man. That's why you see women go back to the same guy that beat the shit out of them.

Women love a challenge. You have no idea what it feels like for a guy to be willing to give up everything for the right woman. Then, she gets tired of him because he is too nice. What a crock of shit!

Believe me... I can relate. As a retired asshole, I know that women love the chase. I think you guys always feel like you have to fix a guy, so a guy with issues will always be a project for you to work on. Or, you think you can be the one to get the player to fall in love.

The bottom line is that you have to close your eyes, and picture life 5 years from now... then 10... then 15... and so on. Who the hell do you want to be sitting in rocking chairs next to on the front porch in 30 years?

So, my advice is that you take it for what it is. If this guy is into you, then be happy. Apparently, he thinks you are special. If his kindness starts wearing off, then you know it was an act. If not, then consider yourself lucky to be with a great guy.

For all the women out there, please be happy when you get the type of guy that you have always dreamed of having. And, accept him for who he is.

Okay... I am stepping down from my soapbox.

Regardless of the decision you make, I wish you the best of luck.

--Eddie
****************

Is it Over or Not?

Dear A3G,

I'm going to try and start at the beginning. First of all, I started dating this wonderful guy in January. I'm 19, he's now 24. We met through a mutual friend and basically hit it off from there. Everything was going good until about a few days before Valentine's day, when he broke up with me, saying that it just wasn't working. (I later found out the break up was due to his not taking his anxiety meds), needless to say, we were back together by the day after Valentines. After that, everything had gone great, I was basically staying at his house every night, and by May I moved in with him. We had our little problems, mostly me wanting sex more than he did, but we figured his libido was whacked b/c of his meds, so he switched to a new one, and things were all good for a while.

Then he got laid off from his job. This is where I'd say all hell broke loose. I had to make the decision to stay in state, or to move with him out of state where he had a job. We had a huge fight over it, and there were several times where he told me that he wasn't going to allow me to move with him. I, of course, took offense to him trying to decide what was best for me, and I eventually convinced him to let me go with him.

So, we moved. He, at this point, was taking care of all the finances, which was really stressing to me. I wanted to help as much as I could, but I did not have a job (I was in college and had a scholarship to cover my expenses), but I planned to get one when we finished moving. I contributed as much as I could out of my meager bank account, and with the help of his mom, we moved and got an apartment.

Everything for the most part was fine, with the exception of me. I was in a huge city(previously from a very small town) and was quite freaked out by the size of the city and the large amount of traffic. It got to where I applied to jobs online and worked on all my school work, and stayed home all day. I eventually got a job that I was at for a few weeks before I just couldn't take it anymore. By this time, he was frustrated by me not getting out of the apartment, and I'm sure he felt claustrophobic by the attention I was giving him. I didn't have friends, family, or really anyone to turn to to get out, and as a consequence he saw me as being clingy.
So, about a month ago, we broke up. I had to stay there for a couple of weeks before I could move back home, and really nothing changed while I was there except the title of our relationship.

The reason he cited for breaking up with me was that he needed time to be alone, that he was "burnt out" on sex, relationships, etc. (he had previously gotten out of a 2 year relationship and had bounced from one girl to another before meeting me) The question I have is, do we have a chance in the future? Nothing has changed really in our relationship, except for the title and the distance. He tells me he loves me everyday, we talk constantly online, and we call each other when we can.

For the most part, it still feels like I'm in a relationship with him, but I am free to find another guy if I want. I'm still hurting from the break up, but I don't see him completely ending us either. He's even told me that he'll make an exception to his rule (never date exes) for me if we find we want to give it another try. Personally, I confused by the whole situation. What do you think?

--Dazed and Confused
****************************

Dear D & C,

Ronnie's Take:

10 months, and it seems the relationship has been all over the map. Relationships only get tougher as time goes on. Little things become big things. The stress of marriage, children, finances... all escalate as the relationship goes along.

Smoke is usually a sign of fire, and in 10 months there has been much smoke. I don't see potential for a healthy relationship here. Move on and cut the friendship tie until you can break loose mentally.

And, always remember the 80/20 rule.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

I think you had a ton of obstacles to overcome before you moved in together, which made the situation five times worse. It's not your job to fix him, doctor him, make him take his meds - that's his job. Your job is to finish school, build a career, and love the most important person in your life - YOURSELF!

I'd make it a rule that no one under the age of 25 is allowed to move in together, no one under the age of 28 is allowed to get married, but THEY won't let me. Look, you are 19 years old. Focus on yourself, school, and career. People come and go out of your life and the ones that stay, stay for a reason. My suggestion is you let this man go. Tell him you love him and that you wish him nothing but the best, then move on. One day, your paths may cross again and he may be a little more stable and you will be a little bit more mature and established. But, don't depend on it. Live your life, love yourself first, and move on. You will look back on this one day and know you made the right decision.

Good luck,

--V
**********

Eddie's Take:

At this point in your life, you really need to focus on what is best for you. If this is "the guy" for you, then your paths will cross many more times in the future.

I am married to a girl that I dated in high school; however, it took 10 years after high school for the timing to be right for us. We actually dated a few times after high school, but the books of our lives where just not on the same page.

We just happened to run into each other about 8 years ago (at Shoe Carnival, lol), and we have been together ever since. Sometimes you have to experience life before you can realize how special someone is.

Just don't lose focus on school. No matter where you end up in life, education will be advantageous to your future.

Have respect for yourself, have respect for him, but, most importantly, focus on the person you see in the mirror.

--Eddie
*************

Guy # 1, or Guy # 2?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What is a girl to do? This is the problem-- I have been seeing this man for about 2 months now, and I really do like him very much, but he is not very aggressive-- meaning he just thinks I know what is going on inside of him. Example... the other night, I went to a friend's house, and he just assumed I was coming over, but the thing is he never invited me, so I didn't go over. I met this new man a few days later, and I did tell this new man that I was still seeing the other man-- I was very much up front, but the other guy has no clue. So my question to you is should I tell the other guy about this new guy? I like them both very much. I don't want to deceive anyone, but this man has never asked me If I was dating anyone else. Just trying to leave my options open. I am a very mature woman, and I don't want to hurt anyone. What should I do?

--Two for Tuesday
************************

Dear T4T,

Ronnie's Take:

It really comes down to a personal decision. I personally see no future with a person that doesn't have good communication skills. It also seems he lacks in passion(life passion, not sexual) some. They seem to go hand and hand.
I wouldn't volunteer the info, but I wouldn't lie if questioned. Men and woman break up and move on rather often these days. It's not the end of the world either way.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:


I am a big fan of honesty to a fault. I get myself in trouble for being too honest, but I'm ok with that type of trouble. I have lost out on some "opportunities" in my life for being too honest. That's just the way I live, I'm not changing.

I think you need to do what you think is best. Clearly, this is troubling you, so telling the truth might be best. I also think that there are many women and men that might withhold all the facts / be somewhat coy about the EXACT truth. It has happen to me, on two separate occasions. One time, I started to open my heart to someone I was very close to (not something I do very easily), all the time telling ALL the truth. This women was dating at least two other guys at the same time over the period of a few weeks to months, that I knew nothing about. When it all came into light (which I had to figure out, still not knowing the truth), I didn't feel to good about it.
On another occasion, I again started to fall for someone, again being honest about all the ongoing things in my life. Over a two month period, this person was having a long distance relationship - even visiting once or twice this person in another state. Again, I didn't feel good about it.

Did either of these people intentionally hurt me, or outright lie to me? NO.
Did they withhold the truth and place yet another little ding in my heart - absolutely. I was open and honest on my hand, I just naturally expected the same in return. My mistake, it won't happen again...

I hope this gives you some insight into the direction you need to take.

I wish you all the best.

--Victor
****************

--Eddie's Take:

This is something that frustrates me so much. People always keep secrets, and guy # 1 will always be the last one to know what is going on. For God's sake... tell the guy what is going on. You can never expect a relationship to work if it is being supported by a dishonest foundation. You have to live with the choices that you make. Guy 1 or guy 2... it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you take ownership and stop dragging people along.

--Eddie
******************

I have custody.... now what?

First of all, we have to give a shout out to the Black and Gold. The New Orleans Saints did it. After 43 years, the finally made it to the Superbowl--- then, they won it! This is a huge accomplishment for the organization, as well as our city. The Saints have been under a black cloud forever, and they have proven that through determination, commitment, and perserverance, anything is possible. Join us in applauding this amazing feat, and we are all looking for to next season.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,


I have recently found myself with custody of a 14 year old boy. I have a 15 year old girl and a 14 year old girl already. I have NO idea how to entertain this kid. Other than violent video games and wrestling with his friends - how do I get a 14 year old boy who has had absolutely no guidance up until this point, to WANT guidance?

--Rated C (for confused)
****************************

Dear Rated C,

Ronnie's Take:

First, you must show interest in his actions. Don't make it a push/pull to start. Come out the gate on his side. Communicate-- because, even 14yr old boys have different likes. You left out sports. Sports would be the best avenue. The local playground would be a good place to start.

The main thing is include him in the decisions of the family. What's for dinner? What's the weekend activities? Communicate -- communicate-- communicate!

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

This is a really good question that I don't have a direct answer to. I think Ronnie and Eddie are going to be the best ones to answer this question, as one has a teenage boy, the other - one close to teenage years.

When I was a teenager, my parents made me get a part time job and sent me to a good school with good role models and solid discipline. I don't know if you have the ability to do that or not, I hope so. The job and the school put discipline in my life and gave me structure - something to keep me busy.

If I could have changed anything about my childhood, I would have wanted more affection - to be hugged more, kissed more, told "I love you" by my parents. I could count the number of times that those three things happened to me in my life on both hands - easily. Show affection - show him that you truly do care about him and his well being, and I have a feeling he might be a little more open-minded about guidance.

Good luck to you...

--Victor
************

Eddie's Take:

It's not often that I use the phrase 'paradigm shift' to describe a situation, but your dilemma is just that. All of the sudden, you have custody of a 14-year old boy; however, your experience thus far has been parenting daughters. Yes, men are from Mars, and women or from Venus... but teenage boys are from an entirely different universe.

To start, I will base some comments on assumptions I have, since you did not give insight as to how his behavior is. I can only assume, that like most teenage boys, you have experienced problems in that arena. If not, good for you.

First, it is imperative that you set clear expectations for your household. This means that he has to understand what he is required to do, as well as the consequences for not adhering to your guidelines. For instance, playing violent video games may not be something you approve of, so you have to inform him of your stance regarding material that may be inappropriate for him. Video games have a rating (just like movies), and, as a parent, you need to review the back of the games to see if you approve of the content. My 12-year old often asks for new games, but we are strict when it comes to games that are rated M (mature). The last game he wanted actually had a disclaimer that it contained drug references, nudity, profanity, and violence. Of course, to purchase these games, you have to be at least 18.

If none of that is an issue for you, the first thing you need to do is develop an open line of communication with him. Let him know that you are interested in his life, which will open up the door for him to communicate with you. I'm not sure of his history, but communication is always a great approach to dealing with anyone.

As far as activities, there are not too many teenage boys that aren't into what he is doing. He is at the age where he is content playing with friends, or alienating himself to his room. There's really nothing you can do about that.

If he likes wrestling, take him to see it when it comes to town. This will show him that he can be rewarded with things that he likes. Just be sure to let him know that rewards like that are earned as a result of good behavior.

The most important thing for a young man to learn is that nothing in life is free. He has to understand that he has to work and follow the rules, because that's how it is in life.

If you care to elaborate more on your situation, I would be happy to offer more assistance.

Good Luck!

--Eddie
*******************

WHO DAT?

THE SAINTS WILL BE MAKING HISTORY TONIGHT, SO PUT ON YOUR BLACK AND GOLD FOR THE BIG GAME.

OUR CITY DESERVES IT, AND THE TEAM HAS PLAYED GREAT ALL YEAR.


WHO DAT?

GOOD LUCK BOYS!

ASK 3 GUYS

He's with the boss' daughter, but he wants me!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

This is a long story, so bear with me fellas. I went to one of my friends work place about three weeks ago. I noticed a fairly attractive guy there so I asked her about him. She told me he was dating the boss' daughter, and had been for eight years. (This boy is only nineteen, btw.) I didn't bother asking anymore questions, I just let it go. My friend, against my wishes, told John* I thought he was cute. He got my number and called me that night on his way home from work. He explained to me that he wanted to get to take things slow & get to know me. This isn't something I normally do so I told him up front that I wasn't a blow up doll he could use whenever he wanted. He told me he wasn't looking for sex, he really wanted to get to know me. So, I gave him a chance. For about two weeks we spent a lot of time just talking. He explained to me that him & his girlfriend had been together since he was eleven. She was his first love, but they have had a rocky relationship. Over the past two years she has cheated on him five times. Please take into consideration that he works for her family & they do have a child together. After about three weeks, he finally kissed me. Around a week after that, things got sexual. We have been talking for over two months. He comes to see me every night. His girlfriend knows what is going on. He's told her that he wants to break up. (I have heard it with my own ears.) But, still nothing has happened. She won't leave, & he's not going to leave the house he pays for. I'm trying to be patient, but it seems to me like I'm wasting my time. I don't do well with sharing, any advice boys?

--Caught between Business and Pleasure
**********************************************

Dear B & P,

Ronnie's Take:

I've heard the "she won't leave" story on many occasions. It's really quite common. It never ends good. Tell him he knows where to find you when he clears up his situation. He might be a great guy. He might really love you. He'll find a way to solve this to be with you. I promise if he really wants you, he will try harder if he doesn't have you any more, versus if he is still has you waiting for him.

--Ronnie
******************

Victor's Take:

You ARE wasting your time.

She cheated on him FIVE times, and he still hasn't left her? I don't care if he works for her Dad, I don't care if they have 5 children together, do self respect and dignity not have a place in this world?

The dude has no self respect and no self esteem. He needed an advocate - someone to make him feel better about himself so that he can endure the daily grind at work and at home that is his miserable life. You are now his advocate. How's that working for you?

He is not moving out, he is not leaving his wife, and he is not quitting his job - no matter how nice and good you are to him, no matter how good you lay him.

You are wasting your time. Cut the cord and move on.

--Vic
************

Eddie's Take:

You are in a no-win situation until he grows the balls to kick her out. Apparently, he is worried about jeopardizing his job if he ends it. If he chooses to remain miserable to keep his job, then that is his dilemma. Do not allow him to continue getting the best of both worlds. If you keep seeing him, he will think that you are okay with that, and he will never take action.

Just draw a line in the sand, and let him know that you refuse to be on the back burner. I am sure that it will be difficult with him, but you do not deserve to be second to someone that he is not even in love with. If he is worried about his job, then he needs to starting pursuing other career options.

The bottom line is that you just have to let him figure this out on his own. If he misses you, he will be more likely to stop procrastinating. Love is powerful, so just sit back and see what happens.

--Eddie
*************

Am I Stuck on a Merry-Go-Round??

Dear Ask 3 Guys,


I have been seeing this man since March. He is very much an introvert. He does not like to share information about himself. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else. We go about 2 months, then we fight, and we don't talk for about 6 weeks. THEN, we talk, and the same pattern happens over again. My question is, why can someone act as if you never exist? He seems to not care when we are not speaking. I think it is cold. I have tried to get on without him; however, I always want to go back. What do you think?

--Round & Round
***********************

Dear Round & Round,

Victor's Take:

I think you don't care about yourself, for starters. Secondly, you don't pay attention to yourself - your own thoughts and intuition.

Do you want to be in a relationship with an introvert? I'm guessing no...

Being "cold" as you call at or "acting like you never exist" are symptomatic of introversion, are they not?

Love yourself and yourself a big favor, move on.

Good luck to you.


--Vic
*************

Ronnie's Take:

Many people have numerous personal secret issues. Your job is to realize it, and get the hell away. Too many fish in the sea, and life is too short to fight a fight that seems to be a losing battle. Sadly, most women fall in the I'll fix him trap. The truth will hurt many years later when he still hasn't changed.

It's the normal stupid woman plot for some reason. He doesn't care, you can't change that. MOVE ON

--Ronnie
****************

Eddie's Take:

You are correct with one thing-- it is much easier for men for show no emotion when going through break-ups. When a relationship is over, a guy does get emotional; however, he does not show it at all. Most guys just hold in their emotions, unless their are just a sensitive man. I used to be the same way. When a relationship ended, it was like the person was dead to me. I know that seems harsh, but that's how many guys look at it. They simply move on, or stay busy, so they don't think about it. I have seen a few guys get really depressed over women, but they were the ones that were very inexperienced in the first place.

So, if you are seeing a recurring pattern, then just let go. Life is entirely too short to get stuck in a rut.

Focus on finding out who you are, and the right person will fall in your lap.

--Eddie
*************

Why does he smell so good?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My husband recently started wearing cologne to work. Should I be worried? He used to only wear it when we went out, now it is every day.

--Curious
****************

Dear Curious,

Victor's Take:

No. If that is the only change you see, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

However, if other things start popping up - then it might be time to have a conversation.

He maybe just taking more pride in the way that he looks (smells) when he goes to work. That's a positive thing, not a negative one.

Remember the most important tenet of a great relationship: COMMUNICATION.
Keep the lines open, non confrontational, and non judgmental.

--Vic
**************

Ronnie's Take:

Learn to communicate is the big question here. Ask him why. It could be nothing, but I would just keep my senses alert here.

Comfort him as you ask the question. Don't be mean or accusatory.

--Ronnie
*****************

Eddie's Take:

I would not put much thought into it. Did you recently buy him new cologne. It could be that he really likes the way it smells.

I wear cologne to work every day. Some guys just like to wear cologne. That doesn't translate to cheating. Just talk to him and ask him why, but don't be harsh when you do.

You should actually buy him a bottle or two for Christmas.

--Eddie
****************

Also.... Here's a list of the top colognes for 2009...

1. Aqua Di Gio - Giorgio Armani

2. Cool Water – Davidoff

3. Fierce – Abercrombie

4. Le Male - Jean Paul Gaultier

5. Polo Sport - Ralph Lauren

6. Dolce & Gabbana - D&G

7. Hugo - Hugo Boss

8. Eternity - Calvin Klein

9. Obsession For Men - Calvin Klein

10. Emporio Armani - Giorgio Armani

Do Guys Ever Regret Anything?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I feel devastaded. I ended my relationship with a guy whom I was close to marrying, but didn't, because at the end, it turned out he was "not prepared", and he would just pick fights, so I would leave him. His school and his music were/are, the most important things to him. So anyhow, I left him 9 months ago. Long time, huh? So, I just found out today that he left law school and moved to a different city to pursue music. HE WOULD HAVE NEVER IN ONE MILLION YEARS DONE THAT FOR ME!!

I do not know how I feel right now. His school was the most important thing, and now he's moving to a different place to pursue music? He would not even move a finger for me!!!

So, please give me a logical explanation!! And, while you are at it, please tell me why guys are so careless!!

Why can you guys have a woman that cares about you and loves you with all that she has, and if the "time" isn't right, you just don't appreciate her!

And, how can you let someone that loves you with all she has just walk out of your life?

DOES THE WORD REGRET EVEN EXIST TO GUYS!!!!!!?????????????????

--One Hit Wonder
****************************

Dear One Hit Wonder,

Victor's Take:

Wow... where do I start.

1) Sometimes love isn't enough.
2) Just because a guy doesn't love you back doesn't make him careless or not regretful.

You said that "his school and that his music where the most important thing to him", but yet, you get all shocked when he moves away to pursue his passion. Why?

Maybe he did you a favor. It seems like you have all of the unconditional (I would disagree) love to give. He was not able to accept it, for whatever reason, so now you have an opportunity to give it to someone who will appreciate it.

Bottom line, you are going to grow up and mature emotionally over the next five to ten years, and you will look back on this event not like a mountain, but a speed bump of life.

Do yourself the ultimate favor: LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, then move forward with your life...

Good luck to you.

--Vic
*************


Ronnie's Take:

You should need no answer. Move on! It's been 9 months. Sometimes people just aren't in love, or have the passion for the same things in life. You really have to release this. 9 months later-- move on. Don't take it personal, it's usually not.

--Ronnie
*****************


Eddie's Take:

Yes-- guys do have regret; however, they do a great job of keeping their emotions bottled up. There is no magic spell that you can cast upon someone to make them fall in love with you. The bottom line is that he chose not to be with you. I'm not sure of any easier way to put it.

Instead of insisting that he did not appreciate you, take time to determine the root cause(s) that aided in driving you two apart. If music was his love, did you support it, or did you constantly complain that you were taking the back seat to it? Sometimes, you can drive someone away by not supporting their passions.

A while back, we had a similar question from someone that was dating an author. She was tired of his traveling, and she felt like she was no longer a priority in her life. The good news is that she understood that the success brought by his book's popularity would require him to travel. In the end, she made sacrafices to make it work, and now she's happy.

When it comes to the things that a man wants to do, the best thing to do is support them. My wife is not a fan of golf at all, but, since she knows I enjoy playing, she buys me golf accessories every holiday.

It sounds like this guy is out of life now, so I would focus on finding out who you are. Find happiness within yourself, and learn to understand that we cannot make someone love us.

--Eddie
*****************

Back on the Grind

Now that the Thanksgiving break is over, it's time to get back on the grind. Many of you have had time off to spend with your family for Thanksgiving.

We just want to get some dialogue going on how everything went for you.

Did you eat too much?

Are you still munching on leftovers?

Did you do all, or some, of the cooking?

Did you have to spend time with your significant other's family? How'd that go?

Did you go out of town? How did the traveling go?

Did you do any shopping for Black Friday? What type of good deals were out there?

Now, are you ready for Christmas?

Tell us all about it...

We'll be posting a new question with 3 great responses shortly. We just wanted to touch base with everyone, and, if you are new to Ask 3 Guys, be sure to read some of our previous posts to see what we are all about.

Also, don't forget to check out the website. Hit up www.ask3guys.com to read the latest, or you can submit an anonymous question that we will each answer.



With the holiday season shortly approaching, we will be looking into some of the most popular gifts for him and her. Let us know if you already have some ideas on that.


Also, don't forget about our sponsors. Show them your support. Visit their website, or stop by to check them out.


And, in case you haven't noticed, Ask 3 Guys is very close to hitting our one year anniversary. Yep, we just kicked this thing off last December. Since then, we have answered a ton of questions, from all topics. We've learned that no topic is taboo, and no problem is the same. People deal with all sorts of issues, and, hopefully, we have helped to shed a little light on solving their problems. In the process, we've learned a good bit about ourselves too.


So, how do you think we did so far? We welcome any feedback that can help us to improve. We just surpassed 1000 friends, and we get new ones everyday. We also kicked off a FaceBook page that you can be a fan of. Our site traffic has stayed pretty consistent, and it has been great to have businesses interested in advertising on our site.

Remember, we are here to help people, and, as long as questions are submitted, we will keep on answering them. We hope that 2009 has been nice to you, and we are ready to kick off 2010 with you.

As always.... thanks for stopping by!

Ask 3 Guys
Eddie, Ronnie, & Vic
www.ask3guys.com

Can I ever forgive him?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Can you ever really forgive a spouse for cheating? Can you get past the infidelity and have a strong relationship and marriage?


--Torn
***************

Dear Torn,

Victor's Take:


The short answers – it depends.

Forgiving is not about your spouse, it is about you. The word forgiveness is about self at its core, not about another’s actions. So, can YOU forgive them?

I think there will always be people – both men and women – that cannot, will not ever fully forgive a spouse for infidelity. That’s ok, because there are no wrong answers here. Your feelings and your emotions are yours to have.

I think the important thing here is to recognize what type of person YOU are. Can you truly forgive, or can’t you? If you cannot truly forgive and put it past you, you have no choice – cut the cord and move on. It is the right thing to do. You will never have a healthy relationship, as your underlying resentment will continue to create problems in the marriage.

If you can truly forgive – great. Do so fully and completely. Move forward and don’t look back.

I can tell you 100% of the time (in my experience, from the people I talked to) a spouse doesn’t decide to go out and have an affair for no reason. There are ALWAYS reasons. Get to the bottom of those problems, solve those issues and a happy relationship moving forward is possible.

Ultimately, be true to yourself and be able to admit weakness if it is the case. If you cannot truly forgive, move on! It is the best thing you can do not only for you, but for your spouse as well.

I would forgive my spouse, but that’s me. Forgiveness is a decision you need to make.

Good luck to you…


--Victor
::::::::::::::::::::::


Ronnie's Take:

Yes you can is the first answer. Is it very tough? YES

It takes two committed people. First, the adulter must be completely committed to making it work. The adulter must be completely honest about why they did it. The adulter must be a complete open book. They must be okay with text messages,emails, cell phone records being checked randomly at any time. This trust factor must be regained.

The partner must NOT continue to throw it up in their face. It must be dropped and given a true chance. It must not be the excuse for every fight that comes up after the fact. The partner must allow the adulter to be truly honest for the reason of cheating. NOTHING justifies cheating, but there are factors that can lead to cheating. Some factors the partner can help with. Some factors come strictly within the adulter.

I'll give the example of my ex-wife and I. We both cheated on each other. I was insecure in myself, growing up as a short, fat, shuddering red-head. My ex-wife wasn't affectionate. I took this as rejection and seeked out acceptance where ever I could find it. We both had issues to work on in this case.

My x-wife cheated out of jealousy. I was always the center of attention because of my personality. Even her close friends became very close friends of mine. Her way of getting attention and feeling good about herself was cheating. It was the only way she knew to get them to like her more than me.

We were married for 12 yrs and tried hard to overcome the infidelity. We had some very happy, fun times together as a couple, as we tried restoring our marriage. We forgave, but we couldn't get over our personal insecurities which led to more infidelity on both parts.
Is it possible? YES! Will it take an awesome amount of commitment and openness on both parts? YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!

--Ronnie
::::::::::::::::


Eddie's Take:

Seems like Ronnie and Vic had plenty to say about this one. Since I am the only Guy out of the 3 married, I will try my best to answer your question.

The thing that you don't want to hear is--- it depends. But, it does. We all have a different level of forgiveness. Are you someone that will always feel betrayed because you were cheated on? Does the fact that he cheated constantly monopolize your thoughts? Do you think he still cheats? There are so many questions that you have to ask yourself.

If most of those answers are yes, then I would say that you are the type of person that cannot forgive him. In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to give 100%. He has to work to gain your trust, and you have to learn to trust that he is being sincere.

For me, infidelity would be a deal-breaker. If it gets to that point, I would never want to continue a relationship with my wife. I just couldn't do it.

The bottom line is that we have only one life to live. Don't spend your life in a situation that you will regret when you reflect back your memories. It's not like you can try again. Focus on spending your life the way you picture it. Don't sell yourself short for anyone.

Good luck.

--Eddie
::::::::::::::::::

How do I get started?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,


Ok, so I need some advice, and this will be simple for you three lovely gentlemen, I'm sure, as you seem to have been hugely successful in your own endeavor.

Eddie, you know me pretty well. I'm sure you know that I'm very intelligent, but I sometimes have lack of focus and organization, but since I already know you, I'm hoping to get some perspective from all of you.

I want to start a sociologically-based book club (i.e. politics, social & world affairs, physical/emotional abuse, drugs, etc.). I've been wanting to do this for a good while now, but for some reason while reading my emails last night, something clicked inside my head and I had this overwhelming feeling to just do it. I need to get this project started and stop sitting on my ass just thinking about doing it. However, I have no idea how to really get started.

I've posted bulletins on both MySpace and Facebook to see how much interest I can generate, and, while I've had a few positive responses, I have also received a good bit of responses from people who just don't seem too fired up. I was thinking of printing flyers and posting them up around different college campuses in the area just to set up an initial meeting. That way, I'll have a chance to explain, on a much deeper level, my ideas and maybe get some people more interested.

Another thing, I don't have a place to really hold these discussions. A girl I know on student gov't at my school(Nunez) said she'd bring my idea to everyone's attention at the student gov't meeting today, and she said she may be able to convince them to give me a classroom one night every other week.

But, if that doesn't work out, then what? I can't hold too large of a group of people at my house, and parking would be impossible.

I don't want to charge extensive fees, as this is supposed to be fun and sort of like an escape from tedious everyday activities.

Obviously, I have to charge dues, so I can order the books online, but they'll be second-hand from an online bookstore, like Amazon. So how much should the dues be? Ballpark?

Basically, I think I may be in over my head. I mean, I think I can do it, it's just a matter of not knowing how.

Any help or advice you guys could give me would be amazing, and greatly appreciated!

Thanks so much!

KareBear
*****************

Dear KareBear,

Victor's Take:

I too, a while back, tried to start a book club. I love to read and write, so I reached out all of my MySpace friends (at the time, Facebook was in its
infancy) and got ZERO response.

I think you have some good ideas. I think flyers on college campuses is one.
Also, I would continue to reach out to my MySpace and Facebook families.

Don't worry about ordering the books yourself. I would have an option for members to buy their own books or you can order the books for them, only after collecting the money. Why take on more responsibility than you need to?

As far as meeting - I think this is the biggest challenge and may be why a bunch of people are not buying in. People are busier now than they have ever been - school, work, kids... Why not consider an alternative option like an online meeting? GoToMeeting.com is a great site, reasonably priced and here is where you need to collect your dues (number of members / cost of monthly site membership = dues to be collected). Also, by having online meetings, you open your club up to many, many more people...

There is an old saying: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
Don't try to do it all at once, a sense of failure or being overwhelmed will set in. Take it one step, one member at a time.

Good luck to you...

--Victor
******************

Ronnie's Take:

I would go to some social groups and organizations and ask to hand out flyers or give a presentation at the meetings. Flyers at gyms might work also. Also flyers, and help from Barnes n Nobles or Borders. I think they would be happy to help. I would avoid telling them the amazon connection, but, either way, having readers come to their place of business would interest them.

Your biting of a lot just for a fun interest. You must set the prices based on your time invested. Ask 3 Guys was a fun time investment that became a handful with little return. I still enjoy it, but expect that outcome also. Which leads me to you could advertise on the Ask 3 Guys website (we are real cheap LOL).

--Ronnie
***************

Eddie's Take:

Good for you for having the ambition to bring your dreams to fruition. When delving into any new endeavor, it is smart to perform a SWOT analysis to ensure that all factors are considered. The analysis identifies the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats associated with you plan. It sounds like you are on the right track; however, the initial steps required to start something are much more difficult than developing the concept.

With Ask 3 Guys, we were very lucky. Over a few beers, we kicked an idea around about giving advice to people via a website. After looking into it, I found out how inexpensive it would be to start the site. Less than a week later, we went live. Of course, it has not been a cake walk. We have struggled with maintaining the desired amount of traffic, but we are still hopeful.

My caveat to you is that you should not even worry about what your friends or family suggest. Even if they are all for it, their participation would be highly unlikely (I speak from experience with A3G). We have a few close people that have been with the site from the beginning, but most of our avid readers are people we do not personally know.

So, if I were you, I would look into doing something over the internet. Start a small social network that allowed people to discuss the book of the month or something. Websites are cheap, and you can even start it out with myspace or facebook to see what kind of interest you get. Post flyers at coffee shops... that would be a great place to start.

Once you get the message out there, be prepared to put in your time. You never know, it could blow up.

Good luck,

Eddie
**************

Is He Done With Me.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hi guys. I've been dating this guy for 5 years and it seems that he is losing interest in me or doesn't appreciate me anymore. Is it the beginning of the end?


--Leftovers
*****************

Dear Leftovers,

Ronnie's Take:

It's very possible. Limited info on the situation.

What do you want out of the relationship at this point? I'll assume because of you asking that you want to stay in the relationship.

Be non-threatening, and act like it's your idea. You feel that you two have become stagnet and want to change up things and bring back the excitement. Ask him for ideas and then you give some ideas. Make it fun Good luck!

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

It could be.

Have you sat down and communicated your feelings to him, in a emotional stable state of mind? (no whining, complaining, crying, etc.)

If so, what were his answers and do they make sense? I think many women, in attempt to find hope where there is none, overanalyze what guys REALLY say.
Do you listen to what he really says?

People grow apart all of the time, and while in your mind this may seem like the end of the world, it never is. In my experience, I find when one door closes, five open. Not only does adversity make you stronger, but you see the world in a different way.

Sit him down and have the discussion. Don't get up until you have the answers and really listen, don't interpret or overanalyze.

Good luck to you..

--Victor
*************

Eddie's Take:

The freshness of a relationship can sometimes find itself lost after several years. This often happens in marriages-- espectially when we have kids. Try not to nag him about it, since that can actually make things work. Try to understand how much he has going on in life, and, most importantly, just continue to show him what you think he wants. Just please don't nag about it, because it has a counter affect on some guys. In marriage, the 5th year is a tough one. In life, we end up complacent in many things we do. Relationships are no different. If he is over you, then there's nothing you can do. If not, he may just need a little refresher to remind him of what he has.

--Eddie
*************

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

First of all, I wanted to say that I really enjoy visiting your site. Thank you for introducing me to the wonders of GoGirl! Not sure if I want to use it, but it's nice to know it's out there! I also read the Top 10 Things Every Man Needs to Know. Regarding Victor's Rule #2: Instead of a bar, try spending time at Starbucks, Whole Foods, or even the Mall to meet women. Would you also say this would be a good place for a woman to meet a man? Whenever I'm in Starbucks, Whole Foods, or the Mall, and I see an attractive guy, I think either he's busy or attached. I agree that a bar is not an ideal meeting spot, but usually it's easier to start a conversation there. What are your thoughts on a woman approaching a man who might be busy shopping? Is that too bold? I look forward to your answer and I'm also a fan of Ask 3 Guys on FaceBook.

--Juliet
*******************

Dear Juliet,

Ronnie's Take:

It would be refreshing. Come off very soft as though it's not normal for you, but as though you are working on your openness. Did that make sense? LOL You have nothing to lose and probably would never see the person again... unless he was interested too!

--Ronnie
****************

Victor's Take:

Go for it!!! A few things...

A man's ego needs to be stroked, even in the lightest ways. See him looking at a product on the shelf? Walk up and ask him a question about that or something that you picked up. "Excuse me, have you ever tried _____ before?"
You want his opinion and value it = ego stroke!

A guy at a bookstore or a coffee shop reading a book, "Excuse me, I was thinking about picking that book up. I have heard some good things. What do you think about it?"

It's easier to start a conversation at a bar because we are all buzzing and our defenses are down.

Look, I think I am very confident person. My friend told me one time, "You make coffee nervous." Another offered this opinion, "You have more game then Milton Bradley." I'm STILL a little nervous anytime I approach a woman! I think this fear is mostly unwarranted, back from your school days when kids were just mean to kids. Today, people - men and women both, don't want to be mean to each other. So, chances are, even if that stranger you approached wasn't really into you, they don't want to be mean. Take a chance!

Good luck to you!

--Vic
*************

Eddie's Take:

First, thanks for your kind words. We are glad that you have enjoyed our responses. And, as far as the GoGirl, I would keep it at arm's length.

In response to your question, of course you should attempt to strike up a conversation with someone that you would like to meet. As people, some of us fear rejection; however, that is more likely in the male species. The good thing about you approaching a man is that is what we would love. Far too often, guys have no clue if a woman is into them, so it would be a nice surprise for guys to get noticed. I seriously doubt that you would get any negative feedback. And, who knows, you may end up with a lifelong friend... or even more.

--Eddie
**************

I sent you an IM, but you didn't respond

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been really flirtatious with a friend online (which I don't really see much, only sometimes). We flirted a lot online (really a lot). The thing is that, recently, he doesn't speak to me the same as before, and I don't know why. I've tried to ask him why this is, telling him that maybe his msn was wrong, but he only said "haha yeah maybe". What can I do? Do you think I'm too dependent on the internet?

--IM Girl
*****************

Dear IM Girl,

Victor's Take:

Maybe something changed in his life that he doesn't want to share with you.

He might have a girlfriend or the like. He should be honest and upfront about those things, but unfortunately - people withhold the truth all the time. It's happened to me numerous times, and, although I know that in their heart their intentions were good, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You cannot force him to tell you.

On another note, I think the Internet is in some ways effecting our social skills overall. If you spend your whole life online, how can you have a decent set of social skills? It sounds to me like you might be falling into that trap.

Remember, life is all about balance and moderation.

--Vic
***********

Ronnie's Take:

Seems like he views you in a different light now. Almost judgemental. Maybe he viewed you as a good girl and now he knows your bad-- LOL. You busted his fairytale, and that's his hangup.

Move on, next!!!!

--Ronnie
*************

Eddie's Take:

Yes, you are too dependent on the internet. Do yourself a favor-- stop analyzing things so much. It is not uncommon for someone to appear interested, or even single, when you are talking to them via the internet. My take is that he was busted by his girlfriend, and now she is monitoring his internet behavior. Sounds like you are making this way bigger than it really is. You guys flirted online, now it is over. You did nothing different, so he is the root cause. Just let it go. Don't fall for traps like this. Instead, focus on finding happiness within yourself. People make stupid decisions each day. Learn from them, move on, and improve your shady-character-detecting-skills.

--Eddie
***********

Did I Say (or Txt) something Wrong???

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I broke up with my ex 4 months ago but it was over a long time before we offically moved out of our unit and went our seperate ways. It has now been offically 3 months since the actual moving out and moving on.

Anyways I met someone who i have a lot in common with. It was amazing and while i wasnt realy wanting to get into another relationship (this last one was 5 yrs long and included an engagement) I was finding myself wanting to spend time with this person and I suppose just see what happened in time.

This person i therefore started to 'see/date' was very into me but i explained my past relationship and how i wasnt 'ready just yet'-- he was ok with this. He became very smitten though and would txt/call a lot and we would hang out once or twice a week. Over this time i began to get to know him and saw we had so much in common, he made me laugh and through his txts and phone calls encourged me to let my guard down a bit. He told me he had feelings for me a few times and in the past couple weeks and I told him i felt the same which i did but we both agreed to just take it as it comes. we have not had sex btw.

so anyways he has an ex gf who he had a 'one last time' with and she became pregnant. she is on a student visa and is from a poor country. he broke up with her as she is very mean and not a nice person (his words not mine). her visa issue runs out at the end of the year. This info did not bother me to begin with as we were 'just friends' but now obviously it is a big complication as i now have felings for him.

anyways so after 'dating' him for 5 weeks he tells me she had given him an ultimatium: to get back with her and she will stay in our country or she will move back to her home country on the other side of the world and have their child there. I know all of this is true btw. and i understand her point of view as she is pregnant and has no family here etc. he does support her and take her to dr appointments etc but does not want to be with her as they tried for a very long time and she was never willing to work with him on things etc.

so as soon as he was given this ultimatium (which he told me about as it happened) i felt worried for him and pretty sure he would go back to her. I was scared of getting hurt but knew this was a HUGE issue and whatever decision he made i would fully support and understand. He kept telling me how amazing i was and i telling him. We both seemed to really like one another. I did back off a bit as to let him have some space to 'think' about his decision. It was hard knowing whether to give space or not. He had to make the decision that night as her parents wanted to book the ticket.

The next day he txt me saying ' i hope i didnt make you angry last night talking about ex'. I replied saying 'angry? no, not at all. of course not. i love that your being honest with me etc etc'. and i honestly wasnt angry at all! we txt back and forth a bit more, him telling me he was so confused, didnt know how to make the decision, he felt it was the end but couldnt be an ass to his kid. his heart was confused. he hated himself etc etc. i tried to offer support, told him to not hate himself and that it was a hard decision and i hoped he would be ok etc. we then just txt about every day stuff and things seemed ok for the situation anyways.

anyways i didnt txt him at all next day and he didnt me as he had an ultra sound with the ex. at 4pm the day after that he txt me saying 'do you hate me yet? sorry been crazy couple of days". i wrote back sayin of course i didnt hate him and that i knew he had a lot on his mind and that is why i was giving him space and asked if he was ok. he did not reply.

to be honest i started thinking negative thoughts like, ok he's back with ex because he had to make the decision by the other day and he just doesnt know how to tell me its over etc. I wanted to be supportive but was scared he was back with her and just not letting me know as it was NOT like hi at all to not txt me and def not like him to not reply but i know he had a lot on his mind, yet it still made me feel uneasy as i do have feelings for him.

so the next morning i txt saying ' im confsed,whats happening, i hope everything is ok...'.

i know, i know bad idea! just my negative thoughts had got the best of me! He did not reply.

that night i sent a txt sayin 'hey...ok i get the hint'. Now i honestly did not mean this as sarcastic as it sounded. i meant it like ok, u can ttell me its over, i get it;/ i was more sad then anything.

no reply until the next day around 2pm where he said 'k. so so sorry. had power surge at my place last night , killed almost everything..so so sorry....'

i txt back albeit quite a few hrs later ( i was in meeting alllll day) sayin 'sorry, phone was off, what r u sorry for?" again, no reply.

the next day i wrote him a txt sayin that i just wanted him to be happy and i knew he had a lot going on and that if he didnt want to see me /talk to me i would understand because his position and to just let me know. i said i hoped things were ok and if i didnt hear from him i would figure he didnt want to see me/talk to me. no reply.

again i didnt mean this sarcasticly, i was just trying to make it easy for him.

This has been a really hard situation as i have told him i hate talkin about stuff over txt as i am not good at it n worry things can b misinterpreted etc. It has also been hard mostly because i didnt know what to do, to give him space or not, to just wait until he contacted me even if weeks later, and i also didnt want to bother him as he had so much on his mind yet i worried it was over and he just wasnt or didnt know how to tell me (this has happened to me many times in past).

Now i feel incredibly selfish for sending those last two txts when he has so much on his mind.

do you think this is why he as not got back to me? he thinks im selfish?

in the past i have told him that i refrain from talking about how i feel at times as i dont want to put more stress on him etc. he told me i should always tell him as my feelings are valid too.

he has gone from txtn/callin me few times day every day saying things like 'your beyond amazing' 'you make me smile too much this is happiest i been in so so long' etc to just not replying but i kow he has a lot on his plate but at same time i worry im just not getting the hint, you know!?

so i sent him another txt sayin ' im just worried, r u ok? just its not liek u to just not reply. have i done something wrong? if i have im sorry, i didnt mean to, if u thought i didnt/dont care, thats wrong cos i do. if you cant see me again i understand but know i will be sad n wish it wasnt the case but of course totally understand! I just want you to know i miss you, think your amazing, i thought i had nothing left to give after last rship and i found myself giving with you and it was so so nice. i hadnt been happy like this in long time, i just want you to know if you ever need/want me im here'.

no reply.

now everyone had told me he just wasn t interested didnt know how to tell me. but I really didnt thnk he was that type person....he chased me, encouraged me to put my guard down saying how amazing i was, kissing me for hours n then sayin 'i so have feelings for you' saying how i made him smile all time at work, how suportive i was etc etc. how i was what he wants in girl n all the boxs were ticked etc etc.

i worry i have screwed up a good thing by being paranoid and pushy.

a couple of guys have told me a guy can get put off easily by a girl and that turn off can be as strong as the original turn on and that its over.

i wish i had of just given him space and waited for him to tell me. it was my guy friend originally who said that his txts about having crazy couple of days and so sorry power surge etc we're his ay of letting me down gently. thats what encouraged me to send thos last two txts about where we stood etc kinda fing.

was i way in the wrong? am i a selfish person? we're his non informative txts letting me know it was over n i was right to send those last two txts as a result?

i feel so bad n selfish n unsuportive!

is it definetly over? he last txt me a week ago friday so now week n half ago.

is there anything else i can do? i know i cant txt him anymore etc as already on verge of stalker hahaha, but if i have just made him mad and thats why hes not talking to me is there anything i can do to show i didnt mean harm or whatever? can i /should i apologise?

thanks for any advice. I really appreciate it!!!

--Longwinded
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Dear LW,

Ronnie's Take:

Wow I think you win longest question. LOL. Paranoid fit pretty well. You did nothing wrong. He was in a tuff situation and handled it the best way he knew how. Who knows what decision he made, but it obviously wasn't you. Having that guard up is bad. Learn to roll with things. Make sure you love yourself first and foremost. Remember you never thought you would meet this guy. Guess what? People say that all the time and meet somebody else. People feel like when relationships end, they can never go on. Guess what? Millions of people break up and fall in love with someone else again. It might take time, but it will happen. Think back to all the ex's you were in love with. Is it the end of the world? No... of course not.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

This is a text (pardon the pun) book example of why texting about feelings and emotions and having long drawn out conversations about them just shouldn't be done. It is so easy for things to get misconstrued. But, in this case, that was not the problem. You were not selfish and you did not do anything wrong. I would have picked up the phone and communicated, but I don't think it would have made a difference in this case.

He is back together with his ex. No more texts, no more calls... let it lie and move on. I know it is going to be difficult, but it is the right thing to do. This man is not a bad man, but has an understandably conflicted heart and he needs to deal with that completely before he can focus on anyone else.

I wish you all the best going forward...

--V
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Eddie's Take:

Man, you have a lot to say. This whole texting thing is such a pet peeve of mine. Pick up the freaking phone an call. Texting and this Gen-Y shorthand lingo has stripped us of actually having an intelligent conversation. I use texting to say a few things, but what is wrong with picking up the phone. That way, you don't have to worry about your message being misconstrued (sorry Vic, I see you used that one too).

So, get over the lol, omg, lmao, btw, n whtvr elz it iz dat smz so gr8 bout txtn.

As far as you and the immigrant-banger. Just let the dude go. Sounds like the timing is way off for you guys right now. Be there for support, but don't chase him-- it actually looks desperate and tasteless to guys. Work on being strong and confident in who you are.... the rest will fall in to place.


BTW... A3G duz not answr qustns submtd by txt... L-O-freaking-L.

--Eddie
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My Ex-boyfriend

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Three days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend TJ because he was just treating me badly. He's in the closet, big time. He was raised as one of those Jesus freaks, so it was hard on me anyway. I know I kind of ruined the relationship because after that heres what happened. I felt bad because I broke up with him spur of the moment, and he said he didn't want a relationship for a while. Well this was strange but I went along with it for a few hours, then I asked if he still felt the same. Since I did I thought it would be cute for him to say that. He then said that he has no love for me anymore. Well I thought that was crazy, so I got mad.. WAY mad. I told all of his friends he was gay (he's 19.. and not out >.>) including his room mate. They were all really cool with it, and I proved it to them. (pictures, information) So I talked to him that day about what I did. He then went on to say that god had made him straight. That in itself is the biggest crock of shit in the whole world. I think about it and I see where I went wrong, but I want to fix it! I was talking to his room mate about it last night and he said he would try to talk to TJ, but all TJ says to anyone is "I'm not gay!" So I'm not getting my hopes up.

I would like to have you guys set me a plan to get him back, I really want him back >.<.
He was my first for EVERYTHING, and even though I wasn't his first, and when I think about him with other people it makes me sick, I still care for him.. Can you please help me on what to do? He's one of the most important people in my life.


--Guy
************

Dear Guy,

Victor's Take:

I imagine there was a time before you were “out” and kept your sexual preferences secret. How would you have felt if someone you knew, cared about, or even loved did the same thing to you? I’m guessing devastated.

There were already major roadblocks in your relationship with him – “Jesus Freak”, the fact he was not “out”. Remember, everything in life happens for a reason. Maybe, just maybe, that occurred here.

If you want to get back with him, I would recommend writing him a letter – for starters. Share with him the things you mentioned in your question. Be honest and open, be apologetic and vulnerable… most importantly, share with him how you really feel about him. See where it goes from there.

Good luck…

--Vic
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Ronnie's Take:

This is a reason so many people are stuck in bad relationships-- The fear of loss drives people to do strange things.

First, you complain how miserable you were with him. Then, all of a sudden, you can't live without him. You seem to be young. BREAK this behavior now. I promise you that you will meet somebody else that you think is great over a matter of time. He has too much baggage for a 19yr old. RUN from a relationship with him. Suck it up for a few weeks. You will miss him, and all the cute things he did. Keep him as a friend... ONLY if you would like.

This is all a great part of growing up.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

Guy, readers, people, world.... Get this through your heads... YOU CAN'T FORCE SOMEONE TO BE WITH YOU.

I just don't get it. You totally threw this guy under the bus by exposing his gay card. Coming out of the closet is a big step for gay people, and to have it exposed against their will is just not cool. Anyone in their right mind would be pissed at you.

Now he has to constantly defend his sexuality to his friends and family. Did you think that maybe he just wasn't ready to open that can?

Sounds like you may have dug too deep of a hole this time. All I can say is give it time. Let the smoke clear, then try to communicate with him.

If he's done with you, move on. Don't become a stalker.

--Eddie
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