Dear Ask 3 Guys,
What are you supposed to tell your child when she tells you she is bi, but she has never had sex? (Although after my first sexual experience I didn't think it was all it was cracked up to be!) I have certainly told her I love her and accept her no matter what. I think she is looking for more than just those words from me. Can anyone help in this communication process with my sweet baby girl?! I let her know I am here for her always. Thanks
--Mother
***********
Dear Mother,
Ronnie's Take:
Support her, and let her know that expressing feelings is okay. Working life out takes time, and communication between you two is good. Tell her to be open and never label herself as bi or straight. Some of the most successful people in life are bi-sexual.
--Ronnie
************
Victor's Take:
It sounds to me like you have done all of the right things so far - good job! You told her that you love her, communication seems good, you are there for her...
I have limited knowledge on this subject - sexual orientation and the growth/maturity of children. I suggest you go to your favorite bookstore or Amazon.com (or the library if you are on a budget) and read up about it. I would fathom that there are hundreds of books on the subject and for your daughter's sake - get educated on the subject and the proper ways of communicating it. Ultimately, I think this education will benefit the both of you tremendously.
I wish you nothing but the best.
--Victor
***********
Eddie's Take:
It is so easy for people to say that they accept people for who they are, but, as a parent, I suspect that hearing those words from your child would be slightly awkward. I've witnessed the evolution from denial to acceptance in many families where a child came out of the closet. I think sexuality is definitely a double-standard for many.
It seems that your daughter already has enough respect and trust for you to raise your awareness about this in the first place. I find that teenagers will do whatever they want to do anyway. If you lock her up, she will still figure out a way. I say just give her the space and freedom that she deserves. Let her experiment, and if she sides with both men and women, then that will be her choice. Studies show that teen bisexuality has rapidly grown in popularity among the current generation. The behavior is being perceived as a fad, or the in thing. Visit http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/07/07/teen-trend-7-reasons-why-it%E2%80%99s-cool-to-pretend-to-be-bisexual/ to read more about this trend.
It may just be a phase to fit in.
Good luck, and support her no matter what.
--Eddie
**************
Monday, May 11, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
So I'm a Widow-- what's the big deal?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Why do men get all weirded out about me being widowed? I am a 39 year old widow who really would like to find a nice guy. I asked a male friend of mine and he said it was because they/he thought he would be haunted by my late husband. I think he's full of it. I have been widowed for 14 years, so its not a new thing. HELP!
--Black Widow
*****************
Dear Black Widow,
Ronnie's Take:
Yes... he's full of it. 14yrs and no success with boyfriends might tell a different tale. Review your actions, but first and foremost, make sure your okay being single the rest of your life. When you lose the need for a boyfriend, and become happy single, I find it makes girls more attractive. It takes the pressure off.
--Ronnie
************
Victor's Take:
Haunted? That's a load of crap! (Pardon my French)...
39 year old widows are not something that anyone (man or woman) is use to handling or dealing with. People have a natural aversion to things that they don't understand or that make them uncomfortable.
I dated a widow - much younger than you. I had no problem with it, although I found out later - she did. She had still not dealt completely with the death of her husband and moved past it. Her ability to have a relationship going forward is going to be challenged.
Are you past it? If not, maybe you need to talk to someone. If you are, then maybe you are attracting certain types of men that have the inability to handle this. You might want to try fishing in a different pond.
Haunted? No way - that's just a cop out.
Good luck to you.
--Victor
************
Eddie's Take:
The bottom line question is-- are your over the death of your husband? If you are still carrying baggage, then you already are putting up a wall between you and future boyfriends. I would think that it would be a bit weird if the husband recently passed away. Going to a woman's house that had pictures of her dead husband up would be slightly creepy.
In your case, many years have passed. So, don't think that you are never going to meet someone because of this. That was a chapter in your life, and people have to understand that there is more to your book of life. Focus on being who you are. If you are not sure who that is-- find out. The key to finding a genuine connection with someone is simply being yourself. Get out an explore new things. Don't weigh happiness on the ability to find a mate. There are so many other things that you can find enjoyment in. A happy, confident woman, that knows who she is, is a sexy thing-- widow or not!
--Eddie
*************
Why do men get all weirded out about me being widowed? I am a 39 year old widow who really would like to find a nice guy. I asked a male friend of mine and he said it was because they/he thought he would be haunted by my late husband. I think he's full of it. I have been widowed for 14 years, so its not a new thing. HELP!
--Black Widow
*****************
Dear Black Widow,
Ronnie's Take:
Yes... he's full of it. 14yrs and no success with boyfriends might tell a different tale. Review your actions, but first and foremost, make sure your okay being single the rest of your life. When you lose the need for a boyfriend, and become happy single, I find it makes girls more attractive. It takes the pressure off.
--Ronnie
************
Victor's Take:
Haunted? That's a load of crap! (Pardon my French)...
39 year old widows are not something that anyone (man or woman) is use to handling or dealing with. People have a natural aversion to things that they don't understand or that make them uncomfortable.
I dated a widow - much younger than you. I had no problem with it, although I found out later - she did. She had still not dealt completely with the death of her husband and moved past it. Her ability to have a relationship going forward is going to be challenged.
Are you past it? If not, maybe you need to talk to someone. If you are, then maybe you are attracting certain types of men that have the inability to handle this. You might want to try fishing in a different pond.
Haunted? No way - that's just a cop out.
Good luck to you.
--Victor
************
Eddie's Take:
The bottom line question is-- are your over the death of your husband? If you are still carrying baggage, then you already are putting up a wall between you and future boyfriends. I would think that it would be a bit weird if the husband recently passed away. Going to a woman's house that had pictures of her dead husband up would be slightly creepy.
In your case, many years have passed. So, don't think that you are never going to meet someone because of this. That was a chapter in your life, and people have to understand that there is more to your book of life. Focus on being who you are. If you are not sure who that is-- find out. The key to finding a genuine connection with someone is simply being yourself. Get out an explore new things. Don't weigh happiness on the ability to find a mate. There are so many other things that you can find enjoyment in. A happy, confident woman, that knows who she is, is a sexy thing-- widow or not!
--Eddie
*************
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I am banging a married woman!
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I had been seeing a married woman…or, more accurately—she had been making a point of seeing me on and off for many years. I have always believed it wrong to have sex with married women but I would hook-up with her on the nights when I had been drinking when my sensibilities, including my integrity, were compromised.
Since then, I have made a heroic effort to avoid her with a good amount of success. The problem is that she has been calling me again lately after she found out I am newly out of a relationship. I considered that relationship exclusive and it gave me a sense of boundaries along with the incentive to resist the temptation.
Today, I am finding it very difficult to say no to her although I prefer to only express lustful desires in the context of a healthy relationship. She married for financial security and tells me that the sex is just not the same with her husband. And, she tells me that she doesn’t want to hurt her husband as I certainly don’t, but that he will never know anyway. She also tells me that “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”.
I do find her very sexually alluring and when my sex-drive is high, she has the uncanny ability to ask if she can come over. I would consider a relationship with her or at least a FWB, if she weren’t married.
My question is, under any circumstances, if I am completely honest with her, can I enjoy the fruits of this woman’s desires for me? And if not, what do you recommend as an alternative? Please no not tell me to pleasure myself as I have lost all interest in having a casual relationship with my right-hand and to be fair about it, my right-hand has also lost all interest in being used for meaningless sex.
Just curious what you Guys and your readers think about this?
Thanks.
--"JODY"
*************
Dear Jody,
Victor's Take:
Here is the problem: if you were married, what if your wife was doing this to you and you had no idea. How would you feel?
Look, I've been accused of being everything from a player, a pseudo player (a term so eloquently coined and explained by Melissa the Unwilling Raconteur, an excellent blogger), a pimp and everything in between. I like to date and I'm an expert at picking the wrong ones - so I stay single.
There are lines that I do not cross.
Unfortunately, I have slept with a married once before; it was not one of my finest hours. Much like you, lots of alcohol was involved and I had an insatiable woman on my hands that did everything but strip down in front of me at the bar. But, none of that made it right and all of it - just excuses.
Again, not my finest hour.
I would launch her. I would tell her, "No more". She needs to get her life together and "shit, or - get off of the pot". You are prolonging the problem of her horribly failed marriage. I know that may not be the answer you want to hear, but - it is the correct one.
Move forward and find a new FWB - there are lots of them out there.
--Victor
************
Ronnie's Take:
You are not the reason for her marriage problems. Enjoy it for what it's worth. Her love and success of her marriage has no baring on your fling. It's not like your asking her to leave him, or you two are in love. Most people need good sex and deserve good sex-- your just filling in a hole(lol) in her life. Enjoy it. She sounds like a mature women who has put some thought into this. Do the right things in your relationships.
--Ronnie
**********
Eddie's Take:
So, you're the guy? The one that husbands across the globe can't stand. I understand that you have lustful desires, and, when I was single, I made idiotic choices as well. Now that I am married, I know that my behavior in the past was unacceptable. Why be the reason for someone's divorce. Imagine that you were this guy... coming home every day to a woman that just got banged by Joe Blow. Not cool. If you have any morals left, drop this relationship.
I could go on and on, but I won't. Everyone knows that I can get on my soapbox when talking about the bond of marriage.
Do us married guys a favor--- MOVE ON!!!!!
--Eddie
I had been seeing a married woman…or, more accurately—she had been making a point of seeing me on and off for many years. I have always believed it wrong to have sex with married women but I would hook-up with her on the nights when I had been drinking when my sensibilities, including my integrity, were compromised.
Since then, I have made a heroic effort to avoid her with a good amount of success. The problem is that she has been calling me again lately after she found out I am newly out of a relationship. I considered that relationship exclusive and it gave me a sense of boundaries along with the incentive to resist the temptation.
Today, I am finding it very difficult to say no to her although I prefer to only express lustful desires in the context of a healthy relationship. She married for financial security and tells me that the sex is just not the same with her husband. And, she tells me that she doesn’t want to hurt her husband as I certainly don’t, but that he will never know anyway. She also tells me that “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”.
I do find her very sexually alluring and when my sex-drive is high, she has the uncanny ability to ask if she can come over. I would consider a relationship with her or at least a FWB, if she weren’t married.
My question is, under any circumstances, if I am completely honest with her, can I enjoy the fruits of this woman’s desires for me? And if not, what do you recommend as an alternative? Please no not tell me to pleasure myself as I have lost all interest in having a casual relationship with my right-hand and to be fair about it, my right-hand has also lost all interest in being used for meaningless sex.
Just curious what you Guys and your readers think about this?
Thanks.
--"JODY"
*************
Dear Jody,
Victor's Take:
Here is the problem: if you were married, what if your wife was doing this to you and you had no idea. How would you feel?
Look, I've been accused of being everything from a player, a pseudo player (a term so eloquently coined and explained by Melissa the Unwilling Raconteur, an excellent blogger), a pimp and everything in between. I like to date and I'm an expert at picking the wrong ones - so I stay single.
There are lines that I do not cross.
Unfortunately, I have slept with a married once before; it was not one of my finest hours. Much like you, lots of alcohol was involved and I had an insatiable woman on my hands that did everything but strip down in front of me at the bar. But, none of that made it right and all of it - just excuses.
Again, not my finest hour.
I would launch her. I would tell her, "No more". She needs to get her life together and "shit, or - get off of the pot". You are prolonging the problem of her horribly failed marriage. I know that may not be the answer you want to hear, but - it is the correct one.
Move forward and find a new FWB - there are lots of them out there.
--Victor
************
Ronnie's Take:
You are not the reason for her marriage problems. Enjoy it for what it's worth. Her love and success of her marriage has no baring on your fling. It's not like your asking her to leave him, or you two are in love. Most people need good sex and deserve good sex-- your just filling in a hole(lol) in her life. Enjoy it. She sounds like a mature women who has put some thought into this. Do the right things in your relationships.
--Ronnie
**********
Eddie's Take:
So, you're the guy? The one that husbands across the globe can't stand. I understand that you have lustful desires, and, when I was single, I made idiotic choices as well. Now that I am married, I know that my behavior in the past was unacceptable. Why be the reason for someone's divorce. Imagine that you were this guy... coming home every day to a woman that just got banged by Joe Blow. Not cool. If you have any morals left, drop this relationship.
I could go on and on, but I won't. Everyone knows that I can get on my soapbox when talking about the bond of marriage.
Do us married guys a favor--- MOVE ON!!!!!
--Eddie
Sunday, May 3, 2009
My husband is looking up old flames on the internet
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I've been married for a little over 11 years now, and in that time my husband has secretly looked up ex-wives and ex-girlfriends on the internet that I know of. I have expressed how much it upsets me to come across things like this and that it upsets me more that he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it or involve me at any level. I feel like he doesn't care that it hurts me. I couldn't have been more clear about how it makes me feel, and he has done it again!! I fear that if I try to talk to him about it again, I will just be more hurt than ever, as he will not care and just be better at hiding it. How do I handle this? What do I do? I feel like I can't say anything to him about anything that bothers me anymore, as it always gets turned into "my fault". I'm thinking I just need to get divorced.
--Web or Wife?
Dear Web or Wife?
Victor's Take:
Here is my question - why do is secretly? That is where the problem is. I think it is a natural, normal human inclination to wonder who, what, where, when, and how about some of our ex's. I never understood how someone could be in love with someone for five years of their life, and then all of a sudden turn that off and never speak to them or care about them again. I would argue that there was never "real" love in the first place or quite simply - this person doesn't know what love is.
Look, I have relationships with all of my ex's with the exception of one - and that is by her choice, not mine. She is a grudge-holder; she will be one her entire life and there is nothing that I can do about it. Some of my relationships with my ex's are just friends in cyberspace that, rarely if ever, correspond. I like to look in on them from time to time and see how life is treating them. Others, I talk with on the phone and even email maybe
3 to 4 times a month. Most are married or have boyfriends. I don't cross lines. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CANNOT FORCE OR LEGISLATE TRUST!
What if, and I'm just ask, he didn't do it in secret? What if he was 100% transparent with you about his contact with ex's? Would you be ok with that?
Also, and this is something that you did not clarify - did he act on these contacts - do anything inappropriate? (other than be secretive/lie about it)
Like 90% of the questions that we answer when it comes to relationships, this boils down to trust and communication. You need to sit him down and let him know (once again) what you can and cannot deal with. Maybe there is room for a compromise here - maybe he can stay in platonic contact with some of his ex's as long as he is transparent / offers full disclosure with you. Or, maybe this is a deal breaker issue for you - if so, draw your line in the sand and stick to your guns. "If you contact another ex again in any way, shape, or form, my next trip will be to the divorce lawyer. Personally, I don't think this is the answer but you have your life to live and your decisions to make. All I can do is provide my opinion - and you have it.
They are our ex's for a reason. You have been married for 11 YEARS - a major accomplishment. Maybe, just maybe there is another underlying issue straining your marriage - but that's just me. Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt before you throw in the towel.
I truly hope it works out for you.
--Victor
***********
Ronnie's Take:
Get divorced. I have a sentimental heart and love to stay in contact with ex's. I love my girlfriend and have been very open about this. My ex-wife lives across the street from me. The most important thing is the openness about it. If you are sneaking, there's a reason. Not that this will help, but maybe find your ex's ,and leave the info where he can find it, and see how he likes it. You might feel better. Remember the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If so, work some more on fixing it. If not, move on. I have grown big leaps and bounds every time I have moved on. I haven't always moved on to better places, but I have always grown as a person with each experience.
--Ronnie
***********
Eddie's Take:
Express your disapproval about his behavior one more time. If it doesn't work, take a sledge hammer to his computer. Then, tell him that you are done. Like I've said many times-- I hold the bond of marriage in very high regard. Doing things behind your spouses back is totally unacceptable. Even if he thinks it is harmless, he has to understand, and care about, your feelings in regard to his behavior. That's what relationships are all about. It is very similar to a customer/supplier relationship. As his customer, you have every right to voice your expectations. Failure to meet those expectations could result in a termination of the contract (i.e. divorce).
So, you have every right to be pissed about this. If he says that he is going to stop, but you don't believe him, invest in a keystroke logger program, which is a program that records everything that he types, but he will be unaware that the program is on his computer. You can even have the reports emailed directly to you.
Sneaky spouses are garbage, and no one should have to go through this type of crap. Unfortunately, it happens more often than not. If you need advice on which sledge hammer to buy, send me an email.
--Eddie
*************
I've been married for a little over 11 years now, and in that time my husband has secretly looked up ex-wives and ex-girlfriends on the internet that I know of. I have expressed how much it upsets me to come across things like this and that it upsets me more that he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it or involve me at any level. I feel like he doesn't care that it hurts me. I couldn't have been more clear about how it makes me feel, and he has done it again!! I fear that if I try to talk to him about it again, I will just be more hurt than ever, as he will not care and just be better at hiding it. How do I handle this? What do I do? I feel like I can't say anything to him about anything that bothers me anymore, as it always gets turned into "my fault". I'm thinking I just need to get divorced.
--Web or Wife?
Dear Web or Wife?
Victor's Take:
Here is my question - why do is secretly? That is where the problem is. I think it is a natural, normal human inclination to wonder who, what, where, when, and how about some of our ex's. I never understood how someone could be in love with someone for five years of their life, and then all of a sudden turn that off and never speak to them or care about them again. I would argue that there was never "real" love in the first place or quite simply - this person doesn't know what love is.
Look, I have relationships with all of my ex's with the exception of one - and that is by her choice, not mine. She is a grudge-holder; she will be one her entire life and there is nothing that I can do about it. Some of my relationships with my ex's are just friends in cyberspace that, rarely if ever, correspond. I like to look in on them from time to time and see how life is treating them. Others, I talk with on the phone and even email maybe
3 to 4 times a month. Most are married or have boyfriends. I don't cross lines. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CANNOT FORCE OR LEGISLATE TRUST!
What if, and I'm just ask, he didn't do it in secret? What if he was 100% transparent with you about his contact with ex's? Would you be ok with that?
Also, and this is something that you did not clarify - did he act on these contacts - do anything inappropriate? (other than be secretive/lie about it)
Like 90% of the questions that we answer when it comes to relationships, this boils down to trust and communication. You need to sit him down and let him know (once again) what you can and cannot deal with. Maybe there is room for a compromise here - maybe he can stay in platonic contact with some of his ex's as long as he is transparent / offers full disclosure with you. Or, maybe this is a deal breaker issue for you - if so, draw your line in the sand and stick to your guns. "If you contact another ex again in any way, shape, or form, my next trip will be to the divorce lawyer. Personally, I don't think this is the answer but you have your life to live and your decisions to make. All I can do is provide my opinion - and you have it.
They are our ex's for a reason. You have been married for 11 YEARS - a major accomplishment. Maybe, just maybe there is another underlying issue straining your marriage - but that's just me. Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt before you throw in the towel.
I truly hope it works out for you.
--Victor
***********
Ronnie's Take:
Get divorced. I have a sentimental heart and love to stay in contact with ex's. I love my girlfriend and have been very open about this. My ex-wife lives across the street from me. The most important thing is the openness about it. If you are sneaking, there's a reason. Not that this will help, but maybe find your ex's ,and leave the info where he can find it, and see how he likes it. You might feel better. Remember the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If so, work some more on fixing it. If not, move on. I have grown big leaps and bounds every time I have moved on. I haven't always moved on to better places, but I have always grown as a person with each experience.
--Ronnie
***********
Eddie's Take:
Express your disapproval about his behavior one more time. If it doesn't work, take a sledge hammer to his computer. Then, tell him that you are done. Like I've said many times-- I hold the bond of marriage in very high regard. Doing things behind your spouses back is totally unacceptable. Even if he thinks it is harmless, he has to understand, and care about, your feelings in regard to his behavior. That's what relationships are all about. It is very similar to a customer/supplier relationship. As his customer, you have every right to voice your expectations. Failure to meet those expectations could result in a termination of the contract (i.e. divorce).
So, you have every right to be pissed about this. If he says that he is going to stop, but you don't believe him, invest in a keystroke logger program, which is a program that records everything that he types, but he will be unaware that the program is on his computer. You can even have the reports emailed directly to you.
Sneaky spouses are garbage, and no one should have to go through this type of crap. Unfortunately, it happens more often than not. If you need advice on which sledge hammer to buy, send me an email.
--Eddie
*************
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Is he a Dirty Bird???
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I've been dating my guy for 16 months. I'm very much in love with him. He lives about 80 miles away, but works in my area. He treats me quite well, and we get along famously. He usually stays over a few nights a week. He's 49 and so am I. We both have grown children that are doing well, and we have successful careers.
Here's my issue; I've NEVER seen where he lives. I know he isn't married. He has a home phone, and I've called it numerous times. I think his house is probably VERY dirty, and I'm pretty sure he's a bit of a hoarder. The reason I've come to these conclusions is that he's told me that there are 2 scuba tanks in his living room. He collects iron skillets, and has about 150 of them! He's also said that his hall is so filled up that you have to walk sideways to enter the bedroom.
I'm pretty neat and my place is usually very clean. We have some other fundamental differences as well. He's an over the top conservative, (Hannity, Limbaugh, etc). I'm a moderate liberal. I really don't think that matters in the scheme of things, but the issue of not seeing where he lives is kind of getting to me. When I mention it, he says he's still cleaning up around there.
To be perfectly honest, I don't really care to see it. I'm afraid if I do, I'll feel differently about him. If it's REALLY, REALLY bad, it might make me think twice.
What do you guys think? Do we have a chance??
--Dirty Bird
**************
Dear Dirty Bird,
Victor's Take:
Here's my question for you: do you ever see a time in the near future where you guys are going to be living together? If you have no plans to live together anytime soon, what's the problem? As far as your political views are concerned, there are many instances of relationships between people who have differing political views. I wouldn't let that stop you.
I guess I'm trying to say here is: where do you see yourself with this man six months to a year? I've been on dates before with women and gotten back to their houses or apartments and been appalled by their living conditions-meaning the filthiness of their places. It reminds me of the episode of friends where Ross is dating the girl and her apartment is a atrocious.
You are never going to change him but maybe a little bit of you might rub off on him and give the man the impetus he needs to get his place in order.
I would reiterate with him that it is important for you to see his place (clearly this is bothering you) and that you would like to do it sooner rather than later. Again, much of this is based on what your intentions are going forward. If you just want to continue to date, I would be inclined to push the issue and draw a line in the sand. If however you are ready to escalate things a notch in your relationship, then maybe it is time to push the button.
Maybe, just maybe he's been waiting for someone to come along to help him get his house in order. The key is this: let him ask you for the help, do not force it upon him.
I wish you all the best...
--Victor
***********
Ronnie's Take:
If you are just looking for casual dating, and enjoy his company, then don't press the issue (it just doesn't matter that much). If you are thinking long-term, then it would be a must for me. I'm not a clean freak, but I'm probably an 8 of 10 on being clean. A 6 or less would be a deal breaker for me, I take too much pride in myself for that. What does that say about him? Remember the big picture to enjoy life, and if it ain't broke don't fix it.
--Ronnie
***********
Eddie's Take:
Well, in a way, I can kind of relate to this guy. I am not dirty, but I am messy. My wife gets so fed up with my clutter... especially when I have 15 pairs of shoes stacked up in the corner of the bedroom. I have never been one to leave food or nasty stuff around, but I just accumulate a mess everywhere... my desk at home, my desk at work, my night stand, the garage... you name it... I am just very unorganized. So, he may be like that. You can fix that. It is hard to fix dirty though.
So, give him a visit. If clutter is his problem, then offer to help him organize things. If it is dirty and smells like ass, then you better run. Most likely, he would be a dirty guy if his home was dirty. So, does he smell bad? Does he take care of his teeth? Are his clothes fresh? If he seems clean, you just might be dealing with a messy guy... which is okay! (That's what women are for...lol)
--Eddie
**********
I've been dating my guy for 16 months. I'm very much in love with him. He lives about 80 miles away, but works in my area. He treats me quite well, and we get along famously. He usually stays over a few nights a week. He's 49 and so am I. We both have grown children that are doing well, and we have successful careers.
Here's my issue; I've NEVER seen where he lives. I know he isn't married. He has a home phone, and I've called it numerous times. I think his house is probably VERY dirty, and I'm pretty sure he's a bit of a hoarder. The reason I've come to these conclusions is that he's told me that there are 2 scuba tanks in his living room. He collects iron skillets, and has about 150 of them! He's also said that his hall is so filled up that you have to walk sideways to enter the bedroom.
I'm pretty neat and my place is usually very clean. We have some other fundamental differences as well. He's an over the top conservative, (Hannity, Limbaugh, etc). I'm a moderate liberal. I really don't think that matters in the scheme of things, but the issue of not seeing where he lives is kind of getting to me. When I mention it, he says he's still cleaning up around there.
To be perfectly honest, I don't really care to see it. I'm afraid if I do, I'll feel differently about him. If it's REALLY, REALLY bad, it might make me think twice.
What do you guys think? Do we have a chance??
--Dirty Bird
**************
Dear Dirty Bird,
Victor's Take:
Here's my question for you: do you ever see a time in the near future where you guys are going to be living together? If you have no plans to live together anytime soon, what's the problem? As far as your political views are concerned, there are many instances of relationships between people who have differing political views. I wouldn't let that stop you.
I guess I'm trying to say here is: where do you see yourself with this man six months to a year? I've been on dates before with women and gotten back to their houses or apartments and been appalled by their living conditions-meaning the filthiness of their places. It reminds me of the episode of friends where Ross is dating the girl and her apartment is a atrocious.
You are never going to change him but maybe a little bit of you might rub off on him and give the man the impetus he needs to get his place in order.
I would reiterate with him that it is important for you to see his place (clearly this is bothering you) and that you would like to do it sooner rather than later. Again, much of this is based on what your intentions are going forward. If you just want to continue to date, I would be inclined to push the issue and draw a line in the sand. If however you are ready to escalate things a notch in your relationship, then maybe it is time to push the button.
Maybe, just maybe he's been waiting for someone to come along to help him get his house in order. The key is this: let him ask you for the help, do not force it upon him.
I wish you all the best...
--Victor
***********
Ronnie's Take:
If you are just looking for casual dating, and enjoy his company, then don't press the issue (it just doesn't matter that much). If you are thinking long-term, then it would be a must for me. I'm not a clean freak, but I'm probably an 8 of 10 on being clean. A 6 or less would be a deal breaker for me, I take too much pride in myself for that. What does that say about him? Remember the big picture to enjoy life, and if it ain't broke don't fix it.
--Ronnie
***********
Eddie's Take:
Well, in a way, I can kind of relate to this guy. I am not dirty, but I am messy. My wife gets so fed up with my clutter... especially when I have 15 pairs of shoes stacked up in the corner of the bedroom. I have never been one to leave food or nasty stuff around, but I just accumulate a mess everywhere... my desk at home, my desk at work, my night stand, the garage... you name it... I am just very unorganized. So, he may be like that. You can fix that. It is hard to fix dirty though.
So, give him a visit. If clutter is his problem, then offer to help him organize things. If it is dirty and smells like ass, then you better run. Most likely, he would be a dirty guy if his home was dirty. So, does he smell bad? Does he take care of his teeth? Are his clothes fresh? If he seems clean, you just might be dealing with a messy guy... which is okay! (That's what women are for...lol)
--Eddie
**********
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Teenage sex... (What's a mom to do?)
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Is giving a teen birth control telling them you approve of pre-marital sex?
--Mixed Emotions
********************
Dear Mixed Emotions,
Victor's Take:
No, thanks for your question.
Much like a romantic relationship, a healthy relationship with your children boils down to one thing - COMMUNICATION!
To think that teenagers are not going to have sex is downright naive. To think that you could not affect your child's outcomes and decision making through communication is equally stupid.
If my daughter was having sex, would I want to know about it and have her on the pill - absolutely! Would I be happy about it? HELL TO THE NO!!!!
But, to know and affect the outcome versus not knowing at all? I'll take the former, thank you very much - no matter how painful it might be. Show me a child that has honest communication with his/her parents, and 75% of the time - I'll show you a success story. I'll take those odds.
--Victor
*************
Ronnie's Take:
Whether you give them birth control or not will have no bearing on whether they become sexually active. It didn't when I was young. Other forms of protection are used or no protection at all. My 16yr daughter is on birth control and it opened up a wealth of open communication of the things going on in her life. I told my daughter if she tells me everything she is going to do(and yes they know their plans) I wouldn't punish her. She has told me when she drinks, smokes weed, started sex and has tried "x". It was hard, but she reminded me that ALL of her friends are sneaking around doing it. This allows me to have open conversation about these issues with her on many occasions. This leads to me being able to educate her on these issues and give advice. It works well.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
In today's society, it would be gullible of you to think that your child will not have sex in their teenage years. According to the Guttmacher Institute, "46% of American teens between 15 and 19 years old have had sex at least once". I would be willing to bet that the number is much higher than that. You cannot convince that all teens surveyed were absolutely honest. So, I would, at least, tack on another 10 percent to that. At any rate, half of the kids in high school have had sex. What is scary is that the ages are dropping with each generation. My eleven year old has already had sexual conversations with his friends. What is the world coming to?
So, for your question, I would suggest that you take the safe route. If she has asked about birth control, then she already has intentions. Control a menstrual cycle or whatever she might suggest... that's BS... it is all about sex. It is kind of like carrying a gun. It is not like you plan on using it, but it is better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. You can still express your views on pre-maritial sex, but this is a means of being safe. I would also explain the importance of condoms to control the risk of STDs.
The bottom line is that they will figure out a way to experiment with sex if they want to. Unless you invest in a chastity belt or a GPS chip, there is not way to control it. By saying yes to the pill, at least you can sleep well... knowing that you are not going to be a grandmother.
Best of luck.
P.S. Visit http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_ATSRH.html for more information on teenage sex statistics.
--Eddie
*************
Is giving a teen birth control telling them you approve of pre-marital sex?
--Mixed Emotions
********************
Dear Mixed Emotions,
Victor's Take:
No, thanks for your question.
Much like a romantic relationship, a healthy relationship with your children boils down to one thing - COMMUNICATION!
To think that teenagers are not going to have sex is downright naive. To think that you could not affect your child's outcomes and decision making through communication is equally stupid.
If my daughter was having sex, would I want to know about it and have her on the pill - absolutely! Would I be happy about it? HELL TO THE NO!!!!
But, to know and affect the outcome versus not knowing at all? I'll take the former, thank you very much - no matter how painful it might be. Show me a child that has honest communication with his/her parents, and 75% of the time - I'll show you a success story. I'll take those odds.
--Victor
*************
Ronnie's Take:
Whether you give them birth control or not will have no bearing on whether they become sexually active. It didn't when I was young. Other forms of protection are used or no protection at all. My 16yr daughter is on birth control and it opened up a wealth of open communication of the things going on in her life. I told my daughter if she tells me everything she is going to do(and yes they know their plans) I wouldn't punish her. She has told me when she drinks, smokes weed, started sex and has tried "x". It was hard, but she reminded me that ALL of her friends are sneaking around doing it. This allows me to have open conversation about these issues with her on many occasions. This leads to me being able to educate her on these issues and give advice. It works well.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
In today's society, it would be gullible of you to think that your child will not have sex in their teenage years. According to the Guttmacher Institute, "46% of American teens between 15 and 19 years old have had sex at least once". I would be willing to bet that the number is much higher than that. You cannot convince that all teens surveyed were absolutely honest. So, I would, at least, tack on another 10 percent to that. At any rate, half of the kids in high school have had sex. What is scary is that the ages are dropping with each generation. My eleven year old has already had sexual conversations with his friends. What is the world coming to?
So, for your question, I would suggest that you take the safe route. If she has asked about birth control, then she already has intentions. Control a menstrual cycle or whatever she might suggest... that's BS... it is all about sex. It is kind of like carrying a gun. It is not like you plan on using it, but it is better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. You can still express your views on pre-maritial sex, but this is a means of being safe. I would also explain the importance of condoms to control the risk of STDs.
The bottom line is that they will figure out a way to experiment with sex if they want to. Unless you invest in a chastity belt or a GPS chip, there is not way to control it. By saying yes to the pill, at least you can sleep well... knowing that you are not going to be a grandmother.
Best of luck.
P.S. Visit http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_ATSRH.html for more information on teenage sex statistics.
--Eddie
*************
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Emotions and sex... (How's that work?)
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
First, a little history:
I was sexually abused when I was little, I've done drugs, but not in the last few years, I've been physically abused, & I've had a lot of heart break in my life even though I am only 18. I've been with 17 people & often feel that I may be a sex addict.
For the past couple of years, I've been strictly sex buddies with guys. I compartmentalized all of my friendships & sex buddies into their own special categories. I wasn't about to let any one get close to hurting me or appear to be vulnerable in any way. But I've recently discovered that this great guy whom I've been friends with for years had feelings for me, & the more we talked about relationships & what not, the more interested I became in getting involved with him romantically. My biggest struggle was accepting that he wanted a serious relationship & I wasn't going to be able to handle this in the same shallow manner I handled the guys from my past. I've basically gotten over the fear that he was going to get me to open up to him just in time for him to let me down, & I've started to trust him. I have very strong feelings for this guy.
This is where the question comes in:
The other day I was having sex with him & about 8 minutes into it he slipped out, & I was really wet in the beginning, but I guess I had a little problem & he couldn't get back in.
Princess Peach has never before locked any one out of the castle & this is the first relationship in which I've experienced intimacy & not just lust. Do you think that in this case my emotions could be effecting my sexuality???
Thanks!
--The Girl with Feelings
***************************
Dear Feelings,
Victor's Take:
The answer to your question is yes. Here's the good news: everybody has these type of stories throughout their sexual history. No matter how hard we try, no matter how good a shape we are in, the equipment just doesn't want to work correctly sometimes. For some people this equipment failure (pardon the pun) is rooted in a medical condition or health issue. Many times however these things are purely mental. Given your history, I think that your issues here are purely of the mental variety.
I cannot emphasize enough how important I think it is for you to receive counseling immediately. Hopefully, you have taken this step already. Although many people feel like they will be stigmatized for going to counseling, that is rarely if ever true. Most people walking this planet do not have the emotional maturity to overcome an incident like physical abuse.
At 18 years old you have no chance of it. Please, get yourself into counseling immediately. Most importantly, do it for yourself. This guy sound like a good guy and in order to be in a good healthy relationship, you have to be good healthy yourself. You have a ways to go but the good news is there are people there to help you.
--Victor
**********
Ronnie's Take:
Emotional baggage it just that-- baggage. Asking questions is healthy for you, and the issues you have. I was just thinking today about abuse-- both mentally and psychically. I was molested by a male relative when I was 12yrs old, right when my mom and dad separated . My dad had a gambling addiction and missed most of my childhood. I never made excuses. The big picture is does any of that psychically stop me from doing ANYTHING? No of course not. Does having 17 dicks in you make you a bad person or keep you from functioning in life? No, it doesn't. It's only what you allow it to be. Wake up each day and do the best you can. 10 guys told you they love you and cheated and hurt you. The pain is created by you and only you hold yourself back. Release them and be secure in the person you are. Nobody can take away the person you believe you are. Being cheated on, lied to,raped ,molested, bad past decisions, etc... RIGHT NOW, THIS DAY have nothing to do with your success of the day. Stop being a prisoner to yourself. They were scum, you are not. You're 18-- expect more trials as you grow up, and learn from each one, and become a stronger, better person.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
You will always be the hardest judge of yourself. We often make ourselves feel like failures and prisoners in the world. There are two circles in life. The circle of control, and the circle of influence. You have to understand that you can only change one of these circles--- the circle of control. Things outside of that circle may influence you, but you can't control them at all. You can only decide how to react to the things that impact you.
Additionally, emotional scars from a life of hurt is the reason why many people put their guards up, and/or they refuse to open up and trust someone. When things happen to you over and over again, you find it very difficult to think that it will not happen with the next person. I think that you can protect yourself, but you have to be realistic. Don't be too fast to jump into the physical aspect of the relationship. First, you should connect on an emotional level.
As far as you current relationship goes.... when you are used to having sex out of lust, it is hard to have it on an emotional/romantic level. Many people are still this way with their wife or husband. If you only experienced sex a certain way, it is hard for you to change it. This goes back to connecting on the emotional level with your mate. Let the love develop, then you will learn to express your passion through the art of making love. It is a wonderful thing, and I am sure that you will overcome the ghosts from the past. Remember, life is a journey, and the wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes are just part of our paths. Those things only make us who we are. Stay focused on your destination, and I know that you will find the fulfillment that you are searching for.
--Eddie
*************
First, a little history:
I was sexually abused when I was little, I've done drugs, but not in the last few years, I've been physically abused, & I've had a lot of heart break in my life even though I am only 18. I've been with 17 people & often feel that I may be a sex addict.
For the past couple of years, I've been strictly sex buddies with guys. I compartmentalized all of my friendships & sex buddies into their own special categories. I wasn't about to let any one get close to hurting me or appear to be vulnerable in any way. But I've recently discovered that this great guy whom I've been friends with for years had feelings for me, & the more we talked about relationships & what not, the more interested I became in getting involved with him romantically. My biggest struggle was accepting that he wanted a serious relationship & I wasn't going to be able to handle this in the same shallow manner I handled the guys from my past. I've basically gotten over the fear that he was going to get me to open up to him just in time for him to let me down, & I've started to trust him. I have very strong feelings for this guy.
This is where the question comes in:
The other day I was having sex with him & about 8 minutes into it he slipped out, & I was really wet in the beginning, but I guess I had a little problem & he couldn't get back in.
Princess Peach has never before locked any one out of the castle & this is the first relationship in which I've experienced intimacy & not just lust. Do you think that in this case my emotions could be effecting my sexuality???
Thanks!
--The Girl with Feelings
***************************
Dear Feelings,
Victor's Take:
The answer to your question is yes. Here's the good news: everybody has these type of stories throughout their sexual history. No matter how hard we try, no matter how good a shape we are in, the equipment just doesn't want to work correctly sometimes. For some people this equipment failure (pardon the pun) is rooted in a medical condition or health issue. Many times however these things are purely mental. Given your history, I think that your issues here are purely of the mental variety.
I cannot emphasize enough how important I think it is for you to receive counseling immediately. Hopefully, you have taken this step already. Although many people feel like they will be stigmatized for going to counseling, that is rarely if ever true. Most people walking this planet do not have the emotional maturity to overcome an incident like physical abuse.
At 18 years old you have no chance of it. Please, get yourself into counseling immediately. Most importantly, do it for yourself. This guy sound like a good guy and in order to be in a good healthy relationship, you have to be good healthy yourself. You have a ways to go but the good news is there are people there to help you.
--Victor
**********
Ronnie's Take:
Emotional baggage it just that-- baggage. Asking questions is healthy for you, and the issues you have. I was just thinking today about abuse-- both mentally and psychically. I was molested by a male relative when I was 12yrs old, right when my mom and dad separated . My dad had a gambling addiction and missed most of my childhood. I never made excuses. The big picture is does any of that psychically stop me from doing ANYTHING? No of course not. Does having 17 dicks in you make you a bad person or keep you from functioning in life? No, it doesn't. It's only what you allow it to be. Wake up each day and do the best you can. 10 guys told you they love you and cheated and hurt you. The pain is created by you and only you hold yourself back. Release them and be secure in the person you are. Nobody can take away the person you believe you are. Being cheated on, lied to,raped ,molested, bad past decisions, etc... RIGHT NOW, THIS DAY have nothing to do with your success of the day. Stop being a prisoner to yourself. They were scum, you are not. You're 18-- expect more trials as you grow up, and learn from each one, and become a stronger, better person.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
You will always be the hardest judge of yourself. We often make ourselves feel like failures and prisoners in the world. There are two circles in life. The circle of control, and the circle of influence. You have to understand that you can only change one of these circles--- the circle of control. Things outside of that circle may influence you, but you can't control them at all. You can only decide how to react to the things that impact you.
Additionally, emotional scars from a life of hurt is the reason why many people put their guards up, and/or they refuse to open up and trust someone. When things happen to you over and over again, you find it very difficult to think that it will not happen with the next person. I think that you can protect yourself, but you have to be realistic. Don't be too fast to jump into the physical aspect of the relationship. First, you should connect on an emotional level.
As far as you current relationship goes.... when you are used to having sex out of lust, it is hard to have it on an emotional/romantic level. Many people are still this way with their wife or husband. If you only experienced sex a certain way, it is hard for you to change it. This goes back to connecting on the emotional level with your mate. Let the love develop, then you will learn to express your passion through the art of making love. It is a wonderful thing, and I am sure that you will overcome the ghosts from the past. Remember, life is a journey, and the wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes are just part of our paths. Those things only make us who we are. Stay focused on your destination, and I know that you will find the fulfillment that you are searching for.
--Eddie
*************
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