The Dreaded Friend Zone

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

So, do guys put girls in "the friend zone" too? And, if the girl and guy are really good friends, but they are sleeping together, is there ever a chance of her getting out of the friend zone?

Thanks...

--His Homegirl
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Ronnie's Take:

Yes, there is a chance. I have seen many FWBs turn into positive relationships. Just don't have any expectations, because the odds are against it. It's all about when the person is ready for a relationship. Sometimes the guy knows he couldn't fall for the girl because of incompatible things, but he still likes sex. Good luck with this slippery slop situation.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

I don't think that anything is impossible...

Let me also say this, it is much easier to for a girl to move out of the friend zone than a guy to move out. Once a woman puts a man in the friend zone, that's a wrap! If two friends are sleeping together and they are young (under the age of 30, for most) - they are playing with fire. Someone is going to get hurt.

I think some guys do put girls in the friend zone. Not all, but some. I think the practice is much more common for women.

Don't worry about getting "out of the friend zone"... Worry about communication of feelings. If you communicate with someone who truly cares about you, nothing will scare them away.

I hope this helps.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

Well, looks like you are the girl that is great to hang out with and bang all rolled into one. The odds are definitely not in your favor right now. You are giving it up with no expectations at all. Can this guy every look at you in a truly romantic way? Possibly, but I doubt it. If you have fallen for the guy, then you have one shot to tell him how you feel. The caveat is that it may ruin what you currently have with him. If you are prepared for the worst, then take a shot.

Basically, you have created a really convenient relationship for this guy. He gets all the perks--- just without having the girlfriend. What happens if he brings another woman into the picture? Does he just stop having sex with you. This is an awkward situation for you to be in.

So, tell him how you feel, or simply STOP BANGING HIM!

--Eddie
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What's Romantic to Guys???

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I'm romantically challenged (retarded)... Romantic female notions make me uncomfortable. Huge emotional displays leave me being perceived as an ice queen. And, I'm pretty much at a loss for what men see as romantic. Romantic visions of walks on the beach is not what I am referring to. We all know you end up with sand in your ass. So, there's three of you. What is romantic to men on a day to day, live with each other, bases? And, why is it?

--Romantically Challenged
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Dear RC,

Victor's Take:

Anything that is pleasant / good and that is a surprise / unexpected.

Guys are pretty simple creatures, although I meet women all the time that try to complicate things. Cook us our favorite dinner, rent some soft porn and put on some sexy lingerie and be waiting for us when we get out of the shower, text us something sexy during the day, ask us out on a date and plan it (somewhere we love to go).... you get the idea.

Men appreciate love and romance, we just think about it differently. Men loved to be complimented just like women. Tell us you are proud of us... let us know that our ass looks great in those jeans...

When I use to do / be in serious LTR, I loved to get letters... just "Hello, I just wanted to let you know I love you..." went a very long way with me.
Add a lipstick kiss or a little spray of perfume on it for extra points. I have a box full of letters like this that I still keep and cherish today.

Men want to be the caregivers... the hunter gathers, but every now and then - a loving touch, a little help can bring about the most touching moments.

There is a scene in the movie Phenomenon where Kyra Sedgwick's character goes over to John Travolta's character's house and finds him disheveled and takes it upon herself to wash his hair and shave him. You can tell by the way that she looks at him while lending him a helping hand that she is in love. It is one of my favorite movie scenes of all time.

I hope this helps...

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

A good hug, snuggling in the bed, a personal note (valentines day my gf placed personnel messages along my morning path and that was awesome), sitting outside on the swing looking at the stars, being told I'm your best friend. These to me are all personal and intimate to me. Sex has nothing to do with most of these as I do not see sex with romance. Sex is passion and heat. Basically romance is soft and thoughtful. Romance,soft and thoughtful, does usually end up with passion and heat though-- LOL!!!!!

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

Understand this-- men and women are very different species, so the romantic desires of each are also rather different. Women know what they way, and guys usually know what they want; however, there is often a disconnect between theory and application-- because we are pretty lazy.

So, what's romantic to me? The occasional note in my lunch, sitting together watching a movie, or just doing something that I enjoy. I am so impressed when a woman will step out of her comfort zone to do something just because she knows I enjoy it. My wife taking a ride with me to the driving range would go much further than flowers or something.

Also, I agree with Vic in regard to compliments. A man always wants to feel like he is number one in your eyes. We need to hear how great we are sometimes.

So, pay attention to what we are in to, and take it upon yourself to tag along sometimes. Tell us how hot and great we are. And, don't forget to surprise us with our favorite food sometimes... mine is pizza!

--Eddie
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An Asexual Relationship

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have been in a relationship for over 2 years now with a man who is kind,thoughtful, and very handsome but lacks affection in a serious way. In his mid 30's now, I am only the 4th serious girlfriend he has ever had. I hear that the other relationships he has been in have failed because the women have all been unfaithful which caused him great emotional damage. Living in a small town, I've heard their side of the story too... that the lack of affection drove them to it. He's a hard guy to let go of because he is responsible, respectable, thoughtful and all these great things you don't normally get in a guy... but he doesn't like sex or affection at all it seems. When I try to instigate it, I get shot down. When I try to discuss it, it turns into a fight and he changes the subject to ridiculous fight topics and it explodes into a huge mess with threats to break up!!! When I keep my mouth shut about it, MONTHS go by without sex. I refuse to be unfaithful, and I do love him... but I'm frustrated all of the time and feel like I can't win. What is your take on this... as in what do you recommend I do and what do you think the problem is?


Thanks,

--Love Starved!
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Ronnie's Take:

He must communicate. You need to comfort him when you bring it up. Reverse the outlook, and tell him it makes you feel unwanted and ugly. You feel sad. Tell him you need his help with what is wrong with you. That should get it started, then, from there, tell him how important sex is in a relationship. Ask him if he cares that it's important to you. Next you could try getting toys and taking matters into your own hands. Let him see the toys maybe that will open up lines of communication. Lastly, it boils down to the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? To me sex is way more then 20% of a relationship, but that's your call. We are all different.

--Ronnie
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--Victor's Take:

RUN!!!!!!!

I'm really sorry about this man's issues in his previous relationships with women. But, guess what? Not only is it NOT your job to fix him, YOU CAN'T!

Soap Box Time:

Ladies, repeat after me: "YOU CANNOT NOR WILL YOU EVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE ANY MAN - EVER!"

The fact that he cannot communicate his feelings without getting upset and overreacting - even more of a reason to run. If he could communicate and admit that, "Yes I have issues and yes I know I have problems, but I love you and want to work on myself" - great! This is clearly not happening.

Let me speak very plainly. If you are 100% ok with not having sex and not getting affection, go ahead and stay with the guy. Clearly, he has other terrific qualities to offer. If, however, this is not acceptable to you - and from your question, I'm guessing this is the case - RUN!

As far as what his problem is, I would guess he has underlying issues from his childhood - probably with his mother. I don't have a PhD behind my name, so that is purely speculation. Recommend a good psychologist to him and move on.

I wish you all the best.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

This is an unfortunate, yet common, problem in relationships. Once the "honeymoon" phase is over, it is common for men to become complacent in the bedroom. Most me are turned on visually, so I suggest trying provocative lingerie or something else very sexy. Also, it would be a good idea to try to incorporate his interests when attempting to turn him on. If he is into NASCAR, buy a sexy outfit that incorporates that theme. Maybe a hot nurse outfit would tickle his fancy. There has to be something that turns him on. You are just going to have to be creative to see what that is. Be patient, because this may be a trial and error approach. Also, try just getting involved in the things that he is into. Does he play golf? Fish? There has to be something. Showing him that you care about him enough to partake in his hobbies may go a long way. Then, let him know that you enjoy sex as much as he enjoys those things.

Also, try to talk to him about his fantasies. Let him know that you just want to be open, and that you are not going to judge him, or get offended, by what turns him on. More often than not, people have hidden fantasies that they are scared to share with their significant other. You never know... he may want to be tied up, or even spanked. Hopefully, for your sake, there's no scat involved.

So, give it a shot. Put on a sexy outfit, and unleash the freak.

P.S. If none of this works, break out the toys, and take care of yourself while he is in bed next to you. That should send a strong message!

--Eddie
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My Little Girl Thinks She is Bisexual

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What are you supposed to tell your child when she tells you she is bi, but she has never had sex? (Although after my first sexual experience I didn't think it was all it was cracked up to be!) I have certainly told her I love her and accept her no matter what. I think she is looking for more than just those words from me. Can anyone help in this communication process with my sweet baby girl?! I let her know I am here for her always. Thanks

--Mother
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Dear Mother,

Ronnie's Take:

Support her, and let her know that expressing feelings is okay. Working life out takes time, and communication between you two is good. Tell her to be open and never label herself as bi or straight. Some of the most successful people in life are bi-sexual.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

It sounds to me like you have done all of the right things so far - good job! You told her that you love her, communication seems good, you are there for her...

I have limited knowledge on this subject - sexual orientation and the growth/maturity of children. I suggest you go to your favorite bookstore or Amazon.com (or the library if you are on a budget) and read up about it. I would fathom that there are hundreds of books on the subject and for your daughter's sake - get educated on the subject and the proper ways of communicating it. Ultimately, I think this education will benefit the both of you tremendously.

I wish you nothing but the best.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

It is so easy for people to say that they accept people for who they are, but, as a parent, I suspect that hearing those words from your child would be slightly awkward. I've witnessed the evolution from denial to acceptance in many families where a child came out of the closet. I think sexuality is definitely a double-standard for many.

It seems that your daughter already has enough respect and trust for you to raise your awareness about this in the first place. I find that teenagers will do whatever they want to do anyway. If you lock her up, she will still figure out a way. I say just give her the space and freedom that she deserves. Let her experiment, and if she sides with both men and women, then that will be her choice. Studies show that teen bisexuality has rapidly grown in popularity among the current generation. The behavior is being perceived as a fad, or the in thing. Visit http://www.radicalparenting.com/2008/07/07/teen-trend-7-reasons-why-it%E2%80%99s-cool-to-pretend-to-be-bisexual/ to read more about this trend.

It may just be a phase to fit in.

Good luck, and support her no matter what.

--Eddie
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So I'm a Widow-- what's the big deal?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Why do men get all weirded out about me being widowed? I am a 39 year old widow who really would like to find a nice guy. I asked a male friend of mine and he said it was because they/he thought he would be haunted by my late husband. I think he's full of it. I have been widowed for 14 years, so its not a new thing. HELP!

--Black Widow
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Dear Black Widow,

Ronnie's Take:

Yes... he's full of it. 14yrs and no success with boyfriends might tell a different tale. Review your actions, but first and foremost, make sure your okay being single the rest of your life. When you lose the need for a boyfriend, and become happy single, I find it makes girls more attractive. It takes the pressure off.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

Haunted? That's a load of crap! (Pardon my French)...

39 year old widows are not something that anyone (man or woman) is use to handling or dealing with. People have a natural aversion to things that they don't understand or that make them uncomfortable.

I dated a widow - much younger than you. I had no problem with it, although I found out later - she did. She had still not dealt completely with the death of her husband and moved past it. Her ability to have a relationship going forward is going to be challenged.

Are you past it? If not, maybe you need to talk to someone. If you are, then maybe you are attracting certain types of men that have the inability to handle this. You might want to try fishing in a different pond.

Haunted? No way - that's just a cop out.

Good luck to you.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

The bottom line question is-- are your over the death of your husband? If you are still carrying baggage, then you already are putting up a wall between you and future boyfriends. I would think that it would be a bit weird if the husband recently passed away. Going to a woman's house that had pictures of her dead husband up would be slightly creepy.

In your case, many years have passed. So, don't think that you are never going to meet someone because of this. That was a chapter in your life, and people have to understand that there is more to your book of life. Focus on being who you are. If you are not sure who that is-- find out. The key to finding a genuine connection with someone is simply being yourself. Get out an explore new things. Don't weigh happiness on the ability to find a mate. There are so many other things that you can find enjoyment in. A happy, confident woman, that knows who she is, is a sexy thing-- widow or not!

--Eddie
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I am banging a married woman!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I had been seeing a married woman…or, more accurately—she had been making a point of seeing me on and off for many years. I have always believed it wrong to have sex with married women but I would hook-up with her on the nights when I had been drinking when my sensibilities, including my integrity, were compromised.

Since then, I have made a heroic effort to avoid her with a good amount of success. The problem is that she has been calling me again lately after she found out I am newly out of a relationship. I considered that relationship exclusive and it gave me a sense of boundaries along with the incentive to resist the temptation.

Today, I am finding it very difficult to say no to her although I prefer to only express lustful desires in the context of a healthy relationship. She married for financial security and tells me that the sex is just not the same with her husband. And, she tells me that she doesn’t want to hurt her husband as I certainly don’t, but that he will never know anyway. She also tells me that “what you don’t know can’t hurt you”.

I do find her very sexually alluring and when my sex-drive is high, she has the uncanny ability to ask if she can come over. I would consider a relationship with her or at least a FWB, if she weren’t married.

My question is, under any circumstances, if I am completely honest with her, can I enjoy the fruits of this woman’s desires for me? And if not, what do you recommend as an alternative? Please no not tell me to pleasure myself as I have lost all interest in having a casual relationship with my right-hand and to be fair about it, my right-hand has also lost all interest in being used for meaningless sex.

Just curious what you Guys and your readers think about this?

Thanks.

--"JODY"
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Dear Jody,

Victor's Take:

Here is the problem: if you were married, what if your wife was doing this to you and you had no idea. How would you feel?

Look, I've been accused of being everything from a player, a pseudo player (a term so eloquently coined and explained by Melissa the Unwilling Raconteur, an excellent blogger), a pimp and everything in between. I like to date and I'm an expert at picking the wrong ones - so I stay single.
There are lines that I do not cross.

Unfortunately, I have slept with a married once before; it was not one of my finest hours. Much like you, lots of alcohol was involved and I had an insatiable woman on my hands that did everything but strip down in front of me at the bar. But, none of that made it right and all of it - just excuses.
Again, not my finest hour.

I would launch her. I would tell her, "No more". She needs to get her life together and "shit, or - get off of the pot". You are prolonging the problem of her horribly failed marriage. I know that may not be the answer you want to hear, but - it is the correct one.

Move forward and find a new FWB - there are lots of them out there.

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

You are not the reason for her marriage problems. Enjoy it for what it's worth. Her love and success of her marriage has no baring on your fling. It's not like your asking her to leave him, or you two are in love. Most people need good sex and deserve good sex-- your just filling in a hole(lol) in her life. Enjoy it. She sounds like a mature women who has put some thought into this. Do the right things in your relationships.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

So, you're the guy? The one that husbands across the globe can't stand. I understand that you have lustful desires, and, when I was single, I made idiotic choices as well. Now that I am married, I know that my behavior in the past was unacceptable. Why be the reason for someone's divorce. Imagine that you were this guy... coming home every day to a woman that just got banged by Joe Blow. Not cool. If you have any morals left, drop this relationship.

I could go on and on, but I won't. Everyone knows that I can get on my soapbox when talking about the bond of marriage.

Do us married guys a favor--- MOVE ON!!!!!

--Eddie

My husband is looking up old flames on the internet

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been married for a little over 11 years now, and in that time my husband has secretly looked up ex-wives and ex-girlfriends on the internet that I know of. I have expressed how much it upsets me to come across things like this and that it upsets me more that he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it or involve me at any level. I feel like he doesn't care that it hurts me. I couldn't have been more clear about how it makes me feel, and he has done it again!! I fear that if I try to talk to him about it again, I will just be more hurt than ever, as he will not care and just be better at hiding it. How do I handle this? What do I do? I feel like I can't say anything to him about anything that bothers me anymore, as it always gets turned into "my fault". I'm thinking I just need to get divorced.

--Web or Wife?

Dear Web or Wife?

Victor's Take:

Here is my question - why do is secretly? That is where the problem is. I think it is a natural, normal human inclination to wonder who, what, where, when, and how about some of our ex's. I never understood how someone could be in love with someone for five years of their life, and then all of a sudden turn that off and never speak to them or care about them again. I would argue that there was never "real" love in the first place or quite simply - this person doesn't know what love is.

Look, I have relationships with all of my ex's with the exception of one - and that is by her choice, not mine. She is a grudge-holder; she will be one her entire life and there is nothing that I can do about it. Some of my relationships with my ex's are just friends in cyberspace that, rarely if ever, correspond. I like to look in on them from time to time and see how life is treating them. Others, I talk with on the phone and even email maybe
3 to 4 times a month. Most are married or have boyfriends. I don't cross lines. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CANNOT FORCE OR LEGISLATE TRUST!

What if, and I'm just ask, he didn't do it in secret? What if he was 100% transparent with you about his contact with ex's? Would you be ok with that?
Also, and this is something that you did not clarify - did he act on these contacts - do anything inappropriate? (other than be secretive/lie about it)


Like 90% of the questions that we answer when it comes to relationships, this boils down to trust and communication. You need to sit him down and let him know (once again) what you can and cannot deal with. Maybe there is room for a compromise here - maybe he can stay in platonic contact with some of his ex's as long as he is transparent / offers full disclosure with you. Or, maybe this is a deal breaker issue for you - if so, draw your line in the sand and stick to your guns. "If you contact another ex again in any way, shape, or form, my next trip will be to the divorce lawyer. Personally, I don't think this is the answer but you have your life to live and your decisions to make. All I can do is provide my opinion - and you have it.

They are our ex's for a reason. You have been married for 11 YEARS - a major accomplishment. Maybe, just maybe there is another underlying issue straining your marriage - but that's just me. Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt before you throw in the towel.

I truly hope it works out for you.

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

Get divorced. I have a sentimental heart and love to stay in contact with ex's. I love my girlfriend and have been very open about this. My ex-wife lives across the street from me. The most important thing is the openness about it. If you are sneaking, there's a reason. Not that this will help, but maybe find your ex's ,and leave the info where he can find it, and see how he likes it. You might feel better. Remember the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If so, work some more on fixing it. If not, move on. I have grown big leaps and bounds every time I have moved on. I haven't always moved on to better places, but I have always grown as a person with each experience.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

Express your disapproval about his behavior one more time. If it doesn't work, take a sledge hammer to his computer. Then, tell him that you are done. Like I've said many times-- I hold the bond of marriage in very high regard. Doing things behind your spouses back is totally unacceptable. Even if he thinks it is harmless, he has to understand, and care about, your feelings in regard to his behavior. That's what relationships are all about. It is very similar to a customer/supplier relationship. As his customer, you have every right to voice your expectations. Failure to meet those expectations could result in a termination of the contract (i.e. divorce).

So, you have every right to be pissed about this. If he says that he is going to stop, but you don't believe him, invest in a keystroke logger program, which is a program that records everything that he types, but he will be unaware that the program is on his computer. You can even have the reports emailed directly to you.

Sneaky spouses are garbage, and no one should have to go through this type of crap. Unfortunately, it happens more often than not. If you need advice on which sledge hammer to buy, send me an email.

--Eddie
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