Is it Over or Not?

Dear A3G,

I'm going to try and start at the beginning. First of all, I started dating this wonderful guy in January. I'm 19, he's now 24. We met through a mutual friend and basically hit it off from there. Everything was going good until about a few days before Valentine's day, when he broke up with me, saying that it just wasn't working. (I later found out the break up was due to his not taking his anxiety meds), needless to say, we were back together by the day after Valentines. After that, everything had gone great, I was basically staying at his house every night, and by May I moved in with him. We had our little problems, mostly me wanting sex more than he did, but we figured his libido was whacked b/c of his meds, so he switched to a new one, and things were all good for a while.

Then he got laid off from his job. This is where I'd say all hell broke loose. I had to make the decision to stay in state, or to move with him out of state where he had a job. We had a huge fight over it, and there were several times where he told me that he wasn't going to allow me to move with him. I, of course, took offense to him trying to decide what was best for me, and I eventually convinced him to let me go with him.

So, we moved. He, at this point, was taking care of all the finances, which was really stressing to me. I wanted to help as much as I could, but I did not have a job (I was in college and had a scholarship to cover my expenses), but I planned to get one when we finished moving. I contributed as much as I could out of my meager bank account, and with the help of his mom, we moved and got an apartment.

Everything for the most part was fine, with the exception of me. I was in a huge city(previously from a very small town) and was quite freaked out by the size of the city and the large amount of traffic. It got to where I applied to jobs online and worked on all my school work, and stayed home all day. I eventually got a job that I was at for a few weeks before I just couldn't take it anymore. By this time, he was frustrated by me not getting out of the apartment, and I'm sure he felt claustrophobic by the attention I was giving him. I didn't have friends, family, or really anyone to turn to to get out, and as a consequence he saw me as being clingy.
So, about a month ago, we broke up. I had to stay there for a couple of weeks before I could move back home, and really nothing changed while I was there except the title of our relationship.

The reason he cited for breaking up with me was that he needed time to be alone, that he was "burnt out" on sex, relationships, etc. (he had previously gotten out of a 2 year relationship and had bounced from one girl to another before meeting me) The question I have is, do we have a chance in the future? Nothing has changed really in our relationship, except for the title and the distance. He tells me he loves me everyday, we talk constantly online, and we call each other when we can.

For the most part, it still feels like I'm in a relationship with him, but I am free to find another guy if I want. I'm still hurting from the break up, but I don't see him completely ending us either. He's even told me that he'll make an exception to his rule (never date exes) for me if we find we want to give it another try. Personally, I confused by the whole situation. What do you think?

--Dazed and Confused
****************************

Dear D & C,

Ronnie's Take:

10 months, and it seems the relationship has been all over the map. Relationships only get tougher as time goes on. Little things become big things. The stress of marriage, children, finances... all escalate as the relationship goes along.

Smoke is usually a sign of fire, and in 10 months there has been much smoke. I don't see potential for a healthy relationship here. Move on and cut the friendship tie until you can break loose mentally.

And, always remember the 80/20 rule.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

I think you had a ton of obstacles to overcome before you moved in together, which made the situation five times worse. It's not your job to fix him, doctor him, make him take his meds - that's his job. Your job is to finish school, build a career, and love the most important person in your life - YOURSELF!

I'd make it a rule that no one under the age of 25 is allowed to move in together, no one under the age of 28 is allowed to get married, but THEY won't let me. Look, you are 19 years old. Focus on yourself, school, and career. People come and go out of your life and the ones that stay, stay for a reason. My suggestion is you let this man go. Tell him you love him and that you wish him nothing but the best, then move on. One day, your paths may cross again and he may be a little more stable and you will be a little bit more mature and established. But, don't depend on it. Live your life, love yourself first, and move on. You will look back on this one day and know you made the right decision.

Good luck,

--V
**********

Eddie's Take:

At this point in your life, you really need to focus on what is best for you. If this is "the guy" for you, then your paths will cross many more times in the future.

I am married to a girl that I dated in high school; however, it took 10 years after high school for the timing to be right for us. We actually dated a few times after high school, but the books of our lives where just not on the same page.

We just happened to run into each other about 8 years ago (at Shoe Carnival, lol), and we have been together ever since. Sometimes you have to experience life before you can realize how special someone is.

Just don't lose focus on school. No matter where you end up in life, education will be advantageous to your future.

Have respect for yourself, have respect for him, but, most importantly, focus on the person you see in the mirror.

--Eddie
*************

Guy # 1, or Guy # 2?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What is a girl to do? This is the problem-- I have been seeing this man for about 2 months now, and I really do like him very much, but he is not very aggressive-- meaning he just thinks I know what is going on inside of him. Example... the other night, I went to a friend's house, and he just assumed I was coming over, but the thing is he never invited me, so I didn't go over. I met this new man a few days later, and I did tell this new man that I was still seeing the other man-- I was very much up front, but the other guy has no clue. So my question to you is should I tell the other guy about this new guy? I like them both very much. I don't want to deceive anyone, but this man has never asked me If I was dating anyone else. Just trying to leave my options open. I am a very mature woman, and I don't want to hurt anyone. What should I do?

--Two for Tuesday
************************

Dear T4T,

Ronnie's Take:

It really comes down to a personal decision. I personally see no future with a person that doesn't have good communication skills. It also seems he lacks in passion(life passion, not sexual) some. They seem to go hand and hand.
I wouldn't volunteer the info, but I wouldn't lie if questioned. Men and woman break up and move on rather often these days. It's not the end of the world either way.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:


I am a big fan of honesty to a fault. I get myself in trouble for being too honest, but I'm ok with that type of trouble. I have lost out on some "opportunities" in my life for being too honest. That's just the way I live, I'm not changing.

I think you need to do what you think is best. Clearly, this is troubling you, so telling the truth might be best. I also think that there are many women and men that might withhold all the facts / be somewhat coy about the EXACT truth. It has happen to me, on two separate occasions. One time, I started to open my heart to someone I was very close to (not something I do very easily), all the time telling ALL the truth. This women was dating at least two other guys at the same time over the period of a few weeks to months, that I knew nothing about. When it all came into light (which I had to figure out, still not knowing the truth), I didn't feel to good about it.
On another occasion, I again started to fall for someone, again being honest about all the ongoing things in my life. Over a two month period, this person was having a long distance relationship - even visiting once or twice this person in another state. Again, I didn't feel good about it.

Did either of these people intentionally hurt me, or outright lie to me? NO.
Did they withhold the truth and place yet another little ding in my heart - absolutely. I was open and honest on my hand, I just naturally expected the same in return. My mistake, it won't happen again...

I hope this gives you some insight into the direction you need to take.

I wish you all the best.

--Victor
****************

--Eddie's Take:

This is something that frustrates me so much. People always keep secrets, and guy # 1 will always be the last one to know what is going on. For God's sake... tell the guy what is going on. You can never expect a relationship to work if it is being supported by a dishonest foundation. You have to live with the choices that you make. Guy 1 or guy 2... it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you take ownership and stop dragging people along.

--Eddie
******************

I have custody.... now what?

First of all, we have to give a shout out to the Black and Gold. The New Orleans Saints did it. After 43 years, the finally made it to the Superbowl--- then, they won it! This is a huge accomplishment for the organization, as well as our city. The Saints have been under a black cloud forever, and they have proven that through determination, commitment, and perserverance, anything is possible. Join us in applauding this amazing feat, and we are all looking for to next season.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,


I have recently found myself with custody of a 14 year old boy. I have a 15 year old girl and a 14 year old girl already. I have NO idea how to entertain this kid. Other than violent video games and wrestling with his friends - how do I get a 14 year old boy who has had absolutely no guidance up until this point, to WANT guidance?

--Rated C (for confused)
****************************

Dear Rated C,

Ronnie's Take:

First, you must show interest in his actions. Don't make it a push/pull to start. Come out the gate on his side. Communicate-- because, even 14yr old boys have different likes. You left out sports. Sports would be the best avenue. The local playground would be a good place to start.

The main thing is include him in the decisions of the family. What's for dinner? What's the weekend activities? Communicate -- communicate-- communicate!

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

This is a really good question that I don't have a direct answer to. I think Ronnie and Eddie are going to be the best ones to answer this question, as one has a teenage boy, the other - one close to teenage years.

When I was a teenager, my parents made me get a part time job and sent me to a good school with good role models and solid discipline. I don't know if you have the ability to do that or not, I hope so. The job and the school put discipline in my life and gave me structure - something to keep me busy.

If I could have changed anything about my childhood, I would have wanted more affection - to be hugged more, kissed more, told "I love you" by my parents. I could count the number of times that those three things happened to me in my life on both hands - easily. Show affection - show him that you truly do care about him and his well being, and I have a feeling he might be a little more open-minded about guidance.

Good luck to you...

--Victor
************

Eddie's Take:

It's not often that I use the phrase 'paradigm shift' to describe a situation, but your dilemma is just that. All of the sudden, you have custody of a 14-year old boy; however, your experience thus far has been parenting daughters. Yes, men are from Mars, and women or from Venus... but teenage boys are from an entirely different universe.

To start, I will base some comments on assumptions I have, since you did not give insight as to how his behavior is. I can only assume, that like most teenage boys, you have experienced problems in that arena. If not, good for you.

First, it is imperative that you set clear expectations for your household. This means that he has to understand what he is required to do, as well as the consequences for not adhering to your guidelines. For instance, playing violent video games may not be something you approve of, so you have to inform him of your stance regarding material that may be inappropriate for him. Video games have a rating (just like movies), and, as a parent, you need to review the back of the games to see if you approve of the content. My 12-year old often asks for new games, but we are strict when it comes to games that are rated M (mature). The last game he wanted actually had a disclaimer that it contained drug references, nudity, profanity, and violence. Of course, to purchase these games, you have to be at least 18.

If none of that is an issue for you, the first thing you need to do is develop an open line of communication with him. Let him know that you are interested in his life, which will open up the door for him to communicate with you. I'm not sure of his history, but communication is always a great approach to dealing with anyone.

As far as activities, there are not too many teenage boys that aren't into what he is doing. He is at the age where he is content playing with friends, or alienating himself to his room. There's really nothing you can do about that.

If he likes wrestling, take him to see it when it comes to town. This will show him that he can be rewarded with things that he likes. Just be sure to let him know that rewards like that are earned as a result of good behavior.

The most important thing for a young man to learn is that nothing in life is free. He has to understand that he has to work and follow the rules, because that's how it is in life.

If you care to elaborate more on your situation, I would be happy to offer more assistance.

Good Luck!

--Eddie
*******************

WHO DAT?

THE SAINTS WILL BE MAKING HISTORY TONIGHT, SO PUT ON YOUR BLACK AND GOLD FOR THE BIG GAME.

OUR CITY DESERVES IT, AND THE TEAM HAS PLAYED GREAT ALL YEAR.


WHO DAT?

GOOD LUCK BOYS!

ASK 3 GUYS

He's with the boss' daughter, but he wants me!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

This is a long story, so bear with me fellas. I went to one of my friends work place about three weeks ago. I noticed a fairly attractive guy there so I asked her about him. She told me he was dating the boss' daughter, and had been for eight years. (This boy is only nineteen, btw.) I didn't bother asking anymore questions, I just let it go. My friend, against my wishes, told John* I thought he was cute. He got my number and called me that night on his way home from work. He explained to me that he wanted to get to take things slow & get to know me. This isn't something I normally do so I told him up front that I wasn't a blow up doll he could use whenever he wanted. He told me he wasn't looking for sex, he really wanted to get to know me. So, I gave him a chance. For about two weeks we spent a lot of time just talking. He explained to me that him & his girlfriend had been together since he was eleven. She was his first love, but they have had a rocky relationship. Over the past two years she has cheated on him five times. Please take into consideration that he works for her family & they do have a child together. After about three weeks, he finally kissed me. Around a week after that, things got sexual. We have been talking for over two months. He comes to see me every night. His girlfriend knows what is going on. He's told her that he wants to break up. (I have heard it with my own ears.) But, still nothing has happened. She won't leave, & he's not going to leave the house he pays for. I'm trying to be patient, but it seems to me like I'm wasting my time. I don't do well with sharing, any advice boys?

--Caught between Business and Pleasure
**********************************************

Dear B & P,

Ronnie's Take:

I've heard the "she won't leave" story on many occasions. It's really quite common. It never ends good. Tell him he knows where to find you when he clears up his situation. He might be a great guy. He might really love you. He'll find a way to solve this to be with you. I promise if he really wants you, he will try harder if he doesn't have you any more, versus if he is still has you waiting for him.

--Ronnie
******************

Victor's Take:

You ARE wasting your time.

She cheated on him FIVE times, and he still hasn't left her? I don't care if he works for her Dad, I don't care if they have 5 children together, do self respect and dignity not have a place in this world?

The dude has no self respect and no self esteem. He needed an advocate - someone to make him feel better about himself so that he can endure the daily grind at work and at home that is his miserable life. You are now his advocate. How's that working for you?

He is not moving out, he is not leaving his wife, and he is not quitting his job - no matter how nice and good you are to him, no matter how good you lay him.

You are wasting your time. Cut the cord and move on.

--Vic
************

Eddie's Take:

You are in a no-win situation until he grows the balls to kick her out. Apparently, he is worried about jeopardizing his job if he ends it. If he chooses to remain miserable to keep his job, then that is his dilemma. Do not allow him to continue getting the best of both worlds. If you keep seeing him, he will think that you are okay with that, and he will never take action.

Just draw a line in the sand, and let him know that you refuse to be on the back burner. I am sure that it will be difficult with him, but you do not deserve to be second to someone that he is not even in love with. If he is worried about his job, then he needs to starting pursuing other career options.

The bottom line is that you just have to let him figure this out on his own. If he misses you, he will be more likely to stop procrastinating. Love is powerful, so just sit back and see what happens.

--Eddie
*************

Am I Stuck on a Merry-Go-Round??

Dear Ask 3 Guys,


I have been seeing this man since March. He is very much an introvert. He does not like to share information about himself. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else. We go about 2 months, then we fight, and we don't talk for about 6 weeks. THEN, we talk, and the same pattern happens over again. My question is, why can someone act as if you never exist? He seems to not care when we are not speaking. I think it is cold. I have tried to get on without him; however, I always want to go back. What do you think?

--Round & Round
***********************

Dear Round & Round,

Victor's Take:

I think you don't care about yourself, for starters. Secondly, you don't pay attention to yourself - your own thoughts and intuition.

Do you want to be in a relationship with an introvert? I'm guessing no...

Being "cold" as you call at or "acting like you never exist" are symptomatic of introversion, are they not?

Love yourself and yourself a big favor, move on.

Good luck to you.


--Vic
*************

Ronnie's Take:

Many people have numerous personal secret issues. Your job is to realize it, and get the hell away. Too many fish in the sea, and life is too short to fight a fight that seems to be a losing battle. Sadly, most women fall in the I'll fix him trap. The truth will hurt many years later when he still hasn't changed.

It's the normal stupid woman plot for some reason. He doesn't care, you can't change that. MOVE ON

--Ronnie
****************

Eddie's Take:

You are correct with one thing-- it is much easier for men for show no emotion when going through break-ups. When a relationship is over, a guy does get emotional; however, he does not show it at all. Most guys just hold in their emotions, unless their are just a sensitive man. I used to be the same way. When a relationship ended, it was like the person was dead to me. I know that seems harsh, but that's how many guys look at it. They simply move on, or stay busy, so they don't think about it. I have seen a few guys get really depressed over women, but they were the ones that were very inexperienced in the first place.

So, if you are seeing a recurring pattern, then just let go. Life is entirely too short to get stuck in a rut.

Focus on finding out who you are, and the right person will fall in your lap.

--Eddie
*************

Why does he smell so good?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My husband recently started wearing cologne to work. Should I be worried? He used to only wear it when we went out, now it is every day.

--Curious
****************

Dear Curious,

Victor's Take:

No. If that is the only change you see, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

However, if other things start popping up - then it might be time to have a conversation.

He maybe just taking more pride in the way that he looks (smells) when he goes to work. That's a positive thing, not a negative one.

Remember the most important tenet of a great relationship: COMMUNICATION.
Keep the lines open, non confrontational, and non judgmental.

--Vic
**************

Ronnie's Take:

Learn to communicate is the big question here. Ask him why. It could be nothing, but I would just keep my senses alert here.

Comfort him as you ask the question. Don't be mean or accusatory.

--Ronnie
*****************

Eddie's Take:

I would not put much thought into it. Did you recently buy him new cologne. It could be that he really likes the way it smells.

I wear cologne to work every day. Some guys just like to wear cologne. That doesn't translate to cheating. Just talk to him and ask him why, but don't be harsh when you do.

You should actually buy him a bottle or two for Christmas.

--Eddie
****************

Also.... Here's a list of the top colognes for 2009...

1. Aqua Di Gio - Giorgio Armani

2. Cool Water – Davidoff

3. Fierce – Abercrombie

4. Le Male - Jean Paul Gaultier

5. Polo Sport - Ralph Lauren

6. Dolce & Gabbana - D&G

7. Hugo - Hugo Boss

8. Eternity - Calvin Klein

9. Obsession For Men - Calvin Klein

10. Emporio Armani - Giorgio Armani