Is it Over or Not?

Dear A3G,

I'm going to try and start at the beginning. First of all, I started dating this wonderful guy in January. I'm 19, he's now 24. We met through a mutual friend and basically hit it off from there. Everything was going good until about a few days before Valentine's day, when he broke up with me, saying that it just wasn't working. (I later found out the break up was due to his not taking his anxiety meds), needless to say, we were back together by the day after Valentines. After that, everything had gone great, I was basically staying at his house every night, and by May I moved in with him. We had our little problems, mostly me wanting sex more than he did, but we figured his libido was whacked b/c of his meds, so he switched to a new one, and things were all good for a while.

Then he got laid off from his job. This is where I'd say all hell broke loose. I had to make the decision to stay in state, or to move with him out of state where he had a job. We had a huge fight over it, and there were several times where he told me that he wasn't going to allow me to move with him. I, of course, took offense to him trying to decide what was best for me, and I eventually convinced him to let me go with him.

So, we moved. He, at this point, was taking care of all the finances, which was really stressing to me. I wanted to help as much as I could, but I did not have a job (I was in college and had a scholarship to cover my expenses), but I planned to get one when we finished moving. I contributed as much as I could out of my meager bank account, and with the help of his mom, we moved and got an apartment.

Everything for the most part was fine, with the exception of me. I was in a huge city(previously from a very small town) and was quite freaked out by the size of the city and the large amount of traffic. It got to where I applied to jobs online and worked on all my school work, and stayed home all day. I eventually got a job that I was at for a few weeks before I just couldn't take it anymore. By this time, he was frustrated by me not getting out of the apartment, and I'm sure he felt claustrophobic by the attention I was giving him. I didn't have friends, family, or really anyone to turn to to get out, and as a consequence he saw me as being clingy.
So, about a month ago, we broke up. I had to stay there for a couple of weeks before I could move back home, and really nothing changed while I was there except the title of our relationship.

The reason he cited for breaking up with me was that he needed time to be alone, that he was "burnt out" on sex, relationships, etc. (he had previously gotten out of a 2 year relationship and had bounced from one girl to another before meeting me) The question I have is, do we have a chance in the future? Nothing has changed really in our relationship, except for the title and the distance. He tells me he loves me everyday, we talk constantly online, and we call each other when we can.

For the most part, it still feels like I'm in a relationship with him, but I am free to find another guy if I want. I'm still hurting from the break up, but I don't see him completely ending us either. He's even told me that he'll make an exception to his rule (never date exes) for me if we find we want to give it another try. Personally, I confused by the whole situation. What do you think?

--Dazed and Confused
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Dear D & C,

Ronnie's Take:

10 months, and it seems the relationship has been all over the map. Relationships only get tougher as time goes on. Little things become big things. The stress of marriage, children, finances... all escalate as the relationship goes along.

Smoke is usually a sign of fire, and in 10 months there has been much smoke. I don't see potential for a healthy relationship here. Move on and cut the friendship tie until you can break loose mentally.

And, always remember the 80/20 rule.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

I think you had a ton of obstacles to overcome before you moved in together, which made the situation five times worse. It's not your job to fix him, doctor him, make him take his meds - that's his job. Your job is to finish school, build a career, and love the most important person in your life - YOURSELF!

I'd make it a rule that no one under the age of 25 is allowed to move in together, no one under the age of 28 is allowed to get married, but THEY won't let me. Look, you are 19 years old. Focus on yourself, school, and career. People come and go out of your life and the ones that stay, stay for a reason. My suggestion is you let this man go. Tell him you love him and that you wish him nothing but the best, then move on. One day, your paths may cross again and he may be a little more stable and you will be a little bit more mature and established. But, don't depend on it. Live your life, love yourself first, and move on. You will look back on this one day and know you made the right decision.

Good luck,

--V
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Eddie's Take:

At this point in your life, you really need to focus on what is best for you. If this is "the guy" for you, then your paths will cross many more times in the future.

I am married to a girl that I dated in high school; however, it took 10 years after high school for the timing to be right for us. We actually dated a few times after high school, but the books of our lives where just not on the same page.

We just happened to run into each other about 8 years ago (at Shoe Carnival, lol), and we have been together ever since. Sometimes you have to experience life before you can realize how special someone is.

Just don't lose focus on school. No matter where you end up in life, education will be advantageous to your future.

Have respect for yourself, have respect for him, but, most importantly, focus on the person you see in the mirror.

--Eddie
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