Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I've been dating my guy for 16 months. I'm very much in love with him. He lives about 80 miles away, but works in my area. He treats me quite well, and we get along famously. He usually stays over a few nights a week. He's 49 and so am I. We both have grown children that are doing well, and we have successful careers.
Here's my issue; I've NEVER seen where he lives. I know he isn't married. He has a home phone, and I've called it numerous times. I think his house is probably VERY dirty, and I'm pretty sure he's a bit of a hoarder. The reason I've come to these conclusions is that he's told me that there are 2 scuba tanks in his living room. He collects iron skillets, and has about 150 of them! He's also said that his hall is so filled up that you have to walk sideways to enter the bedroom.
I'm pretty neat and my place is usually very clean. We have some other fundamental differences as well. He's an over the top conservative, (Hannity, Limbaugh, etc). I'm a moderate liberal. I really don't think that matters in the scheme of things, but the issue of not seeing where he lives is kind of getting to me. When I mention it, he says he's still cleaning up around there.
To be perfectly honest, I don't really care to see it. I'm afraid if I do, I'll feel differently about him. If it's REALLY, REALLY bad, it might make me think twice.
What do you guys think? Do we have a chance??
--Dirty Bird
**************
Dear Dirty Bird,
Victor's Take:
Here's my question for you: do you ever see a time in the near future where you guys are going to be living together? If you have no plans to live together anytime soon, what's the problem? As far as your political views are concerned, there are many instances of relationships between people who have differing political views. I wouldn't let that stop you.
I guess I'm trying to say here is: where do you see yourself with this man six months to a year? I've been on dates before with women and gotten back to their houses or apartments and been appalled by their living conditions-meaning the filthiness of their places. It reminds me of the episode of friends where Ross is dating the girl and her apartment is a atrocious.
You are never going to change him but maybe a little bit of you might rub off on him and give the man the impetus he needs to get his place in order.
I would reiterate with him that it is important for you to see his place (clearly this is bothering you) and that you would like to do it sooner rather than later. Again, much of this is based on what your intentions are going forward. If you just want to continue to date, I would be inclined to push the issue and draw a line in the sand. If however you are ready to escalate things a notch in your relationship, then maybe it is time to push the button.
Maybe, just maybe he's been waiting for someone to come along to help him get his house in order. The key is this: let him ask you for the help, do not force it upon him.
I wish you all the best...
--Victor
***********
Ronnie's Take:
If you are just looking for casual dating, and enjoy his company, then don't press the issue (it just doesn't matter that much). If you are thinking long-term, then it would be a must for me. I'm not a clean freak, but I'm probably an 8 of 10 on being clean. A 6 or less would be a deal breaker for me, I take too much pride in myself for that. What does that say about him? Remember the big picture to enjoy life, and if it ain't broke don't fix it.
--Ronnie
***********
Eddie's Take:
Well, in a way, I can kind of relate to this guy. I am not dirty, but I am messy. My wife gets so fed up with my clutter... especially when I have 15 pairs of shoes stacked up in the corner of the bedroom. I have never been one to leave food or nasty stuff around, but I just accumulate a mess everywhere... my desk at home, my desk at work, my night stand, the garage... you name it... I am just very unorganized. So, he may be like that. You can fix that. It is hard to fix dirty though.
So, give him a visit. If clutter is his problem, then offer to help him organize things. If it is dirty and smells like ass, then you better run. Most likely, he would be a dirty guy if his home was dirty. So, does he smell bad? Does he take care of his teeth? Are his clothes fresh? If he seems clean, you just might be dealing with a messy guy... which is okay! (That's what women are for...lol)
--Eddie
**********
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Teenage sex... (What's a mom to do?)
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Is giving a teen birth control telling them you approve of pre-marital sex?
--Mixed Emotions
********************
Dear Mixed Emotions,
Victor's Take:
No, thanks for your question.
Much like a romantic relationship, a healthy relationship with your children boils down to one thing - COMMUNICATION!
To think that teenagers are not going to have sex is downright naive. To think that you could not affect your child's outcomes and decision making through communication is equally stupid.
If my daughter was having sex, would I want to know about it and have her on the pill - absolutely! Would I be happy about it? HELL TO THE NO!!!!
But, to know and affect the outcome versus not knowing at all? I'll take the former, thank you very much - no matter how painful it might be. Show me a child that has honest communication with his/her parents, and 75% of the time - I'll show you a success story. I'll take those odds.
--Victor
*************
Ronnie's Take:
Whether you give them birth control or not will have no bearing on whether they become sexually active. It didn't when I was young. Other forms of protection are used or no protection at all. My 16yr daughter is on birth control and it opened up a wealth of open communication of the things going on in her life. I told my daughter if she tells me everything she is going to do(and yes they know their plans) I wouldn't punish her. She has told me when she drinks, smokes weed, started sex and has tried "x". It was hard, but she reminded me that ALL of her friends are sneaking around doing it. This allows me to have open conversation about these issues with her on many occasions. This leads to me being able to educate her on these issues and give advice. It works well.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
In today's society, it would be gullible of you to think that your child will not have sex in their teenage years. According to the Guttmacher Institute, "46% of American teens between 15 and 19 years old have had sex at least once". I would be willing to bet that the number is much higher than that. You cannot convince that all teens surveyed were absolutely honest. So, I would, at least, tack on another 10 percent to that. At any rate, half of the kids in high school have had sex. What is scary is that the ages are dropping with each generation. My eleven year old has already had sexual conversations with his friends. What is the world coming to?
So, for your question, I would suggest that you take the safe route. If she has asked about birth control, then she already has intentions. Control a menstrual cycle or whatever she might suggest... that's BS... it is all about sex. It is kind of like carrying a gun. It is not like you plan on using it, but it is better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. You can still express your views on pre-maritial sex, but this is a means of being safe. I would also explain the importance of condoms to control the risk of STDs.
The bottom line is that they will figure out a way to experiment with sex if they want to. Unless you invest in a chastity belt or a GPS chip, there is not way to control it. By saying yes to the pill, at least you can sleep well... knowing that you are not going to be a grandmother.
Best of luck.
P.S. Visit http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_ATSRH.html for more information on teenage sex statistics.
--Eddie
*************
Is giving a teen birth control telling them you approve of pre-marital sex?
--Mixed Emotions
********************
Dear Mixed Emotions,
Victor's Take:
No, thanks for your question.
Much like a romantic relationship, a healthy relationship with your children boils down to one thing - COMMUNICATION!
To think that teenagers are not going to have sex is downright naive. To think that you could not affect your child's outcomes and decision making through communication is equally stupid.
If my daughter was having sex, would I want to know about it and have her on the pill - absolutely! Would I be happy about it? HELL TO THE NO!!!!
But, to know and affect the outcome versus not knowing at all? I'll take the former, thank you very much - no matter how painful it might be. Show me a child that has honest communication with his/her parents, and 75% of the time - I'll show you a success story. I'll take those odds.
--Victor
*************
Ronnie's Take:
Whether you give them birth control or not will have no bearing on whether they become sexually active. It didn't when I was young. Other forms of protection are used or no protection at all. My 16yr daughter is on birth control and it opened up a wealth of open communication of the things going on in her life. I told my daughter if she tells me everything she is going to do(and yes they know their plans) I wouldn't punish her. She has told me when she drinks, smokes weed, started sex and has tried "x". It was hard, but she reminded me that ALL of her friends are sneaking around doing it. This allows me to have open conversation about these issues with her on many occasions. This leads to me being able to educate her on these issues and give advice. It works well.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
In today's society, it would be gullible of you to think that your child will not have sex in their teenage years. According to the Guttmacher Institute, "46% of American teens between 15 and 19 years old have had sex at least once". I would be willing to bet that the number is much higher than that. You cannot convince that all teens surveyed were absolutely honest. So, I would, at least, tack on another 10 percent to that. At any rate, half of the kids in high school have had sex. What is scary is that the ages are dropping with each generation. My eleven year old has already had sexual conversations with his friends. What is the world coming to?
So, for your question, I would suggest that you take the safe route. If she has asked about birth control, then she already has intentions. Control a menstrual cycle or whatever she might suggest... that's BS... it is all about sex. It is kind of like carrying a gun. It is not like you plan on using it, but it is better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. You can still express your views on pre-maritial sex, but this is a means of being safe. I would also explain the importance of condoms to control the risk of STDs.
The bottom line is that they will figure out a way to experiment with sex if they want to. Unless you invest in a chastity belt or a GPS chip, there is not way to control it. By saying yes to the pill, at least you can sleep well... knowing that you are not going to be a grandmother.
Best of luck.
P.S. Visit http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_ATSRH.html for more information on teenage sex statistics.
--Eddie
*************
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Emotions and sex... (How's that work?)
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
First, a little history:
I was sexually abused when I was little, I've done drugs, but not in the last few years, I've been physically abused, & I've had a lot of heart break in my life even though I am only 18. I've been with 17 people & often feel that I may be a sex addict.
For the past couple of years, I've been strictly sex buddies with guys. I compartmentalized all of my friendships & sex buddies into their own special categories. I wasn't about to let any one get close to hurting me or appear to be vulnerable in any way. But I've recently discovered that this great guy whom I've been friends with for years had feelings for me, & the more we talked about relationships & what not, the more interested I became in getting involved with him romantically. My biggest struggle was accepting that he wanted a serious relationship & I wasn't going to be able to handle this in the same shallow manner I handled the guys from my past. I've basically gotten over the fear that he was going to get me to open up to him just in time for him to let me down, & I've started to trust him. I have very strong feelings for this guy.
This is where the question comes in:
The other day I was having sex with him & about 8 minutes into it he slipped out, & I was really wet in the beginning, but I guess I had a little problem & he couldn't get back in.
Princess Peach has never before locked any one out of the castle & this is the first relationship in which I've experienced intimacy & not just lust. Do you think that in this case my emotions could be effecting my sexuality???
Thanks!
--The Girl with Feelings
***************************
Dear Feelings,
Victor's Take:
The answer to your question is yes. Here's the good news: everybody has these type of stories throughout their sexual history. No matter how hard we try, no matter how good a shape we are in, the equipment just doesn't want to work correctly sometimes. For some people this equipment failure (pardon the pun) is rooted in a medical condition or health issue. Many times however these things are purely mental. Given your history, I think that your issues here are purely of the mental variety.
I cannot emphasize enough how important I think it is for you to receive counseling immediately. Hopefully, you have taken this step already. Although many people feel like they will be stigmatized for going to counseling, that is rarely if ever true. Most people walking this planet do not have the emotional maturity to overcome an incident like physical abuse.
At 18 years old you have no chance of it. Please, get yourself into counseling immediately. Most importantly, do it for yourself. This guy sound like a good guy and in order to be in a good healthy relationship, you have to be good healthy yourself. You have a ways to go but the good news is there are people there to help you.
--Victor
**********
Ronnie's Take:
Emotional baggage it just that-- baggage. Asking questions is healthy for you, and the issues you have. I was just thinking today about abuse-- both mentally and psychically. I was molested by a male relative when I was 12yrs old, right when my mom and dad separated . My dad had a gambling addiction and missed most of my childhood. I never made excuses. The big picture is does any of that psychically stop me from doing ANYTHING? No of course not. Does having 17 dicks in you make you a bad person or keep you from functioning in life? No, it doesn't. It's only what you allow it to be. Wake up each day and do the best you can. 10 guys told you they love you and cheated and hurt you. The pain is created by you and only you hold yourself back. Release them and be secure in the person you are. Nobody can take away the person you believe you are. Being cheated on, lied to,raped ,molested, bad past decisions, etc... RIGHT NOW, THIS DAY have nothing to do with your success of the day. Stop being a prisoner to yourself. They were scum, you are not. You're 18-- expect more trials as you grow up, and learn from each one, and become a stronger, better person.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
You will always be the hardest judge of yourself. We often make ourselves feel like failures and prisoners in the world. There are two circles in life. The circle of control, and the circle of influence. You have to understand that you can only change one of these circles--- the circle of control. Things outside of that circle may influence you, but you can't control them at all. You can only decide how to react to the things that impact you.
Additionally, emotional scars from a life of hurt is the reason why many people put their guards up, and/or they refuse to open up and trust someone. When things happen to you over and over again, you find it very difficult to think that it will not happen with the next person. I think that you can protect yourself, but you have to be realistic. Don't be too fast to jump into the physical aspect of the relationship. First, you should connect on an emotional level.
As far as you current relationship goes.... when you are used to having sex out of lust, it is hard to have it on an emotional/romantic level. Many people are still this way with their wife or husband. If you only experienced sex a certain way, it is hard for you to change it. This goes back to connecting on the emotional level with your mate. Let the love develop, then you will learn to express your passion through the art of making love. It is a wonderful thing, and I am sure that you will overcome the ghosts from the past. Remember, life is a journey, and the wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes are just part of our paths. Those things only make us who we are. Stay focused on your destination, and I know that you will find the fulfillment that you are searching for.
--Eddie
*************
First, a little history:
I was sexually abused when I was little, I've done drugs, but not in the last few years, I've been physically abused, & I've had a lot of heart break in my life even though I am only 18. I've been with 17 people & often feel that I may be a sex addict.
For the past couple of years, I've been strictly sex buddies with guys. I compartmentalized all of my friendships & sex buddies into their own special categories. I wasn't about to let any one get close to hurting me or appear to be vulnerable in any way. But I've recently discovered that this great guy whom I've been friends with for years had feelings for me, & the more we talked about relationships & what not, the more interested I became in getting involved with him romantically. My biggest struggle was accepting that he wanted a serious relationship & I wasn't going to be able to handle this in the same shallow manner I handled the guys from my past. I've basically gotten over the fear that he was going to get me to open up to him just in time for him to let me down, & I've started to trust him. I have very strong feelings for this guy.
This is where the question comes in:
The other day I was having sex with him & about 8 minutes into it he slipped out, & I was really wet in the beginning, but I guess I had a little problem & he couldn't get back in.
Princess Peach has never before locked any one out of the castle & this is the first relationship in which I've experienced intimacy & not just lust. Do you think that in this case my emotions could be effecting my sexuality???
Thanks!
--The Girl with Feelings
***************************
Dear Feelings,
Victor's Take:
The answer to your question is yes. Here's the good news: everybody has these type of stories throughout their sexual history. No matter how hard we try, no matter how good a shape we are in, the equipment just doesn't want to work correctly sometimes. For some people this equipment failure (pardon the pun) is rooted in a medical condition or health issue. Many times however these things are purely mental. Given your history, I think that your issues here are purely of the mental variety.
I cannot emphasize enough how important I think it is for you to receive counseling immediately. Hopefully, you have taken this step already. Although many people feel like they will be stigmatized for going to counseling, that is rarely if ever true. Most people walking this planet do not have the emotional maturity to overcome an incident like physical abuse.
At 18 years old you have no chance of it. Please, get yourself into counseling immediately. Most importantly, do it for yourself. This guy sound like a good guy and in order to be in a good healthy relationship, you have to be good healthy yourself. You have a ways to go but the good news is there are people there to help you.
--Victor
**********
Ronnie's Take:
Emotional baggage it just that-- baggage. Asking questions is healthy for you, and the issues you have. I was just thinking today about abuse-- both mentally and psychically. I was molested by a male relative when I was 12yrs old, right when my mom and dad separated . My dad had a gambling addiction and missed most of my childhood. I never made excuses. The big picture is does any of that psychically stop me from doing ANYTHING? No of course not. Does having 17 dicks in you make you a bad person or keep you from functioning in life? No, it doesn't. It's only what you allow it to be. Wake up each day and do the best you can. 10 guys told you they love you and cheated and hurt you. The pain is created by you and only you hold yourself back. Release them and be secure in the person you are. Nobody can take away the person you believe you are. Being cheated on, lied to,raped ,molested, bad past decisions, etc... RIGHT NOW, THIS DAY have nothing to do with your success of the day. Stop being a prisoner to yourself. They were scum, you are not. You're 18-- expect more trials as you grow up, and learn from each one, and become a stronger, better person.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
You will always be the hardest judge of yourself. We often make ourselves feel like failures and prisoners in the world. There are two circles in life. The circle of control, and the circle of influence. You have to understand that you can only change one of these circles--- the circle of control. Things outside of that circle may influence you, but you can't control them at all. You can only decide how to react to the things that impact you.
Additionally, emotional scars from a life of hurt is the reason why many people put their guards up, and/or they refuse to open up and trust someone. When things happen to you over and over again, you find it very difficult to think that it will not happen with the next person. I think that you can protect yourself, but you have to be realistic. Don't be too fast to jump into the physical aspect of the relationship. First, you should connect on an emotional level.
As far as you current relationship goes.... when you are used to having sex out of lust, it is hard to have it on an emotional/romantic level. Many people are still this way with their wife or husband. If you only experienced sex a certain way, it is hard for you to change it. This goes back to connecting on the emotional level with your mate. Let the love develop, then you will learn to express your passion through the art of making love. It is a wonderful thing, and I am sure that you will overcome the ghosts from the past. Remember, life is a journey, and the wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes are just part of our paths. Those things only make us who we are. Stay focused on your destination, and I know that you will find the fulfillment that you are searching for.
--Eddie
*************
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My girl has a webcam rendezvous with my friend.
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I'm feeling a little uncomfortable and confused; I don't really want to put any friends into an awkward position by talking to them about it, so am hoping writing to you all will help ease my mind.
Ok, well my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years - we visit any chance we get, but the majority of the time I am away at school in Europe and she is in America; however, we do plan on her moving to Europe with me at the end of summer. Anyway, the last time she visited me in Europe she ended up really connecting with my friends there - which I loved! But I am not loving how close she is getting with one friend in particular... call me what you will, but I suspected a little crush on both sides forming - even if only over IM - so next time I visited her I "accidentally" came across their chat logs and was confirmed correct... It stays pretty tame, but there is blatant flirting between them both, and it saddens me to know now that little things like falling asleep on webcam isn't only shared with me, but with my friend as well.... it sounds stupid, but when we're apart, it's one of the few things we have together...
I have to admit that although there is some big time flirting, she has reiterated over and over her love and loyalty for me to both the friend and myself when I hint to her that I am not comfortable somehow... but nevertheless I'm really uncomfortable with all this, especially since my girl's track record in her past relationships/cheating isn't exactly pristine... and though we still won't be very close to said friend when the girlfriend moves, we'll be closer...
Should I be ashamed that I snooped a bit? Should I tell her what I saw? How do I bring it up?
Thanks guys,
Uncomfortable
*****************
Dear Uncomfortable,
Victor's Take:
I'm sure there will be varying opinions on the answering of this question. I am not a snooper. I never have been and never will be. When I get to the point in any relationship where I feel like I have to check e-mail, cell phones, etc. the relationship for me is already over. I won't accidentally check anything. It seems that you girlfriend shared her past with you and this past behavior caused you to accidentally check her instant message log.
For me this clearly shows that there are trust issues in the relationship.
Until you can get these issues resolved, even if she moves - you are still going to have questions. The damage is already done. I would share with her what you have done and explain to our that things like falling asleep on the WebCam are sensitive to you. I'm guessing that she probably doesn't even know that and that if you had shared it with her in the past, that may be a line that she wouldn't have crossed. The fact that you have asked the question shows me that this is bothering you and is not something that you can just let go. You need to bring up with her; remember that the first couple of words are always the hardest. After that they come out pretty easy. It sounds like you have some serious feelings for this girl - I hope it works out for you.
--Victor
************
Ronnie's Take:
Snooping is never an issue unless the other person is hiding something. Understanding her relationship/friendship is important to you. Trust issues are always tough to over come. You either trust her or move on. The first sentence is always the toughest. Admit the snooping and explain why. Get the communication going. A male friend is okay if you can trust her and him. That will be your call.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
First, you need to check your homeboy. What kind of friend is going to entertain escapades with your girl. I would put him in his place immediately. He is wrong, and she is wrong.
Then, I would let her know what you saw. The bottom line is that if you two expect to have a fruitful relationship, then trust and honesty must be present. Sure, she will be upset because you read it, but it is reality now. The guilty will always get pissed off when they are busted.
I think it is bull. If she is so in love with you, she would never do something like that behind your back. I think I would give him a quick slap to the face, and, for her--- a swift kick to the curb.
Good luck.
--Eddie
***********
I'm feeling a little uncomfortable and confused; I don't really want to put any friends into an awkward position by talking to them about it, so am hoping writing to you all will help ease my mind.
Ok, well my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years - we visit any chance we get, but the majority of the time I am away at school in Europe and she is in America; however, we do plan on her moving to Europe with me at the end of summer. Anyway, the last time she visited me in Europe she ended up really connecting with my friends there - which I loved! But I am not loving how close she is getting with one friend in particular... call me what you will, but I suspected a little crush on both sides forming - even if only over IM - so next time I visited her I "accidentally" came across their chat logs and was confirmed correct... It stays pretty tame, but there is blatant flirting between them both, and it saddens me to know now that little things like falling asleep on webcam isn't only shared with me, but with my friend as well.... it sounds stupid, but when we're apart, it's one of the few things we have together...
I have to admit that although there is some big time flirting, she has reiterated over and over her love and loyalty for me to both the friend and myself when I hint to her that I am not comfortable somehow... but nevertheless I'm really uncomfortable with all this, especially since my girl's track record in her past relationships/cheating isn't exactly pristine... and though we still won't be very close to said friend when the girlfriend moves, we'll be closer...
Should I be ashamed that I snooped a bit? Should I tell her what I saw? How do I bring it up?
Thanks guys,
Uncomfortable
*****************
Dear Uncomfortable,
Victor's Take:
I'm sure there will be varying opinions on the answering of this question. I am not a snooper. I never have been and never will be. When I get to the point in any relationship where I feel like I have to check e-mail, cell phones, etc. the relationship for me is already over. I won't accidentally check anything. It seems that you girlfriend shared her past with you and this past behavior caused you to accidentally check her instant message log.
For me this clearly shows that there are trust issues in the relationship.
Until you can get these issues resolved, even if she moves - you are still going to have questions. The damage is already done. I would share with her what you have done and explain to our that things like falling asleep on the WebCam are sensitive to you. I'm guessing that she probably doesn't even know that and that if you had shared it with her in the past, that may be a line that she wouldn't have crossed. The fact that you have asked the question shows me that this is bothering you and is not something that you can just let go. You need to bring up with her; remember that the first couple of words are always the hardest. After that they come out pretty easy. It sounds like you have some serious feelings for this girl - I hope it works out for you.
--Victor
************
Ronnie's Take:
Snooping is never an issue unless the other person is hiding something. Understanding her relationship/friendship is important to you. Trust issues are always tough to over come. You either trust her or move on. The first sentence is always the toughest. Admit the snooping and explain why. Get the communication going. A male friend is okay if you can trust her and him. That will be your call.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
First, you need to check your homeboy. What kind of friend is going to entertain escapades with your girl. I would put him in his place immediately. He is wrong, and she is wrong.
Then, I would let her know what you saw. The bottom line is that if you two expect to have a fruitful relationship, then trust and honesty must be present. Sure, she will be upset because you read it, but it is reality now. The guilty will always get pissed off when they are busted.
I think it is bull. If she is so in love with you, she would never do something like that behind your back. I think I would give him a quick slap to the face, and, for her--- a swift kick to the curb.
Good luck.
--Eddie
***********
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Should I tell my friend?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
My friend heard about the website, dontdatehimgirl.com, and one night with a few glasses of wine, we looked up guys we knew, and the husband of a casual friend popped up. One post was before they got married, but there was another post fairly recently, which must mean that he was cheating.
Should we tell her? Should we tell him? Or say nothing? We feel bad, they are a great couple, but we are just casual friends- we all say hi when we run into each other, trade a few emails every now and then, but not really close.
Thanks!!!
--Flabbergasted Friend
*************************
Dear Flabbergasted,
Victor's Take:
Here is my answer: no!
The problem that I have with these websites is that anyone can post any information they want there without zero verification. I could go on one of those websites and say that I slept with Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez. Does that make it true? Of course it doesn't. Unless the information can be 100% verified, no no no…
I'll take it one step further: even if the information could be verified to be true, I still wouldn't say anything.
But that's just me.
--Victor
***********
Ronnie's Take:
This is usually a no win situation. They stay together and you are lost as a friend. If you two are only casual friends, then I would just email her the site and tell her she should really check it out. I would want to know and I think you would also.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
If it is true, then he is a douche bag, and she needs to know. It infuriates me when the person that is being cheated on is always the last one to know. Usually, the friends know, the co-workers know, and even the family knows, but no one ever steps up and says anything. It is a difficult situation to put yourself in, because there could be a chance that the claim is erroneous.
However, I would look the page up with her, or maybe even just tell her about the page, so she can see for herself.
Cheaters are scum, and if this is your friend, she doesn't deserve to be with scum.
It's idiots like this that give men such a bad rap.
I admire your concern.
--Eddie
**********
My friend heard about the website, dontdatehimgirl.com, and one night with a few glasses of wine, we looked up guys we knew, and the husband of a casual friend popped up. One post was before they got married, but there was another post fairly recently, which must mean that he was cheating.
Should we tell her? Should we tell him? Or say nothing? We feel bad, they are a great couple, but we are just casual friends- we all say hi when we run into each other, trade a few emails every now and then, but not really close.
Thanks!!!
--Flabbergasted Friend
*************************
Dear Flabbergasted,
Victor's Take:
Here is my answer: no!
The problem that I have with these websites is that anyone can post any information they want there without zero verification. I could go on one of those websites and say that I slept with Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez. Does that make it true? Of course it doesn't. Unless the information can be 100% verified, no no no…
I'll take it one step further: even if the information could be verified to be true, I still wouldn't say anything.
But that's just me.
--Victor
***********
Ronnie's Take:
This is usually a no win situation. They stay together and you are lost as a friend. If you two are only casual friends, then I would just email her the site and tell her she should really check it out. I would want to know and I think you would also.
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
If it is true, then he is a douche bag, and she needs to know. It infuriates me when the person that is being cheated on is always the last one to know. Usually, the friends know, the co-workers know, and even the family knows, but no one ever steps up and says anything. It is a difficult situation to put yourself in, because there could be a chance that the claim is erroneous.
However, I would look the page up with her, or maybe even just tell her about the page, so she can see for herself.
Cheaters are scum, and if this is your friend, she doesn't deserve to be with scum.
It's idiots like this that give men such a bad rap.
I admire your concern.
--Eddie
**********
Friday, April 17, 2009
What am I doing wrong?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I am a 28 year old single female. I have no kids, I own two cars, educated and continuing my education. I am drama free, willing to try anything, easily amused, work full time with my own place, but I am very independent and know what I want in a man. I won't date any men with kids, they have to hold down a job, have their own place, and be motivated to succeed. I was recently told by a complete stranger that the reason I am single is because I expect too much when it comes to men, but I think what I am looking for is very realistic and doable. Could my standards be too high and the cause for me to be single or is it something else? Thanks Ask 3 Guys I appreciate the help.
--Lonely Girl
****************
Dear Lonely Girl,
Victor's Take:
Albert Einstein once said, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I don't think the things which you are looking for are unobtainable, but at 28 years old if you're eliminating every man that has children, you are eliminating a major portion of the population. You say he needs to have a job, but what if he works at McDonald's? My father passed away in 2006 from Parkinson's disease. My mother was insistent on staying in this house. From a financial standpoint, it was not possible. I moved in to help out and today she is happy to be in her house. There is some irony in the situation as I sleep in the master bedroom and my mother sleeps in my childhood bedroom. Would I automatically be eliminated from the list? My guess is that you are meeting a lot of men that do fall within your parameters, but for whatever reason you are not closing the deal. To answer your question yes I think it is the something else. I would look at other aspects of your life. Also, I would consider where you are meeting these men that do not meet your standards. Do something different - go to new places, try new restaurants, take a different course of action... What if you met the man of your dreams and he was a teacher that makes $22,000 a year and has a two-year-old son? He is the perfect man in every other way, but his salary/status and his son preclude him from your list? Whose loss would be?
I'll leave you with this: try and keep an open mind and don't worry so much about your list. I wish you nothing but the best in your search for the perfect man.
--Victor
************
Ronnie's Take:
Having standards are good, but you are limiting your pool by your guidelines. Good people and good guys can go through hard times and have kids. Be open to listening to what they have to say before you rule them out. Be secure in the person you are and being single. This allows you to expect the best from a man and that's okay. You might be single for a long time and that's okay .
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
Here's the quick and dirty--- STOP TRYING!
Guess what? The knight in shining armour is not out there. Relationships are all about compatibility and flexibility. Do you think there is actually a guy out there that has painted a picture of the perfect woman, and everything about her just happens to be you? I highly doubt it. You have you quirks and issues just like anyone else. We are all human.
I chased the dragon in regard to finding Ms. Right for well over a decade. I was the pickiest of the picky, and though I dated many, none of them ever lasted. When I started dating based on emotion, rather than comparing the woman to a fairytale-world mold, that is when things started falling into place.
You can't tell your heart who to love--- it just happens. I love my wife dearly, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But, do you think that it is an on-going romantic novel? Not quite... hence, the need for flexibility.
You'll find someone that you just enjoy spending time with. Maybe he will have a kid. Is that a deal-breaker? If you constantly set such high standards, you are going to be traveling down a long road. I'm not saying do not have any standards, but be realistic.
Finally, just stop looking. There is nothing more attractive than a confident woman that is living her life, and she knows who she is. Find out who you are. Develop your self. The rest will come.
Best of luck to you.
P.S. Just an FYI... My wife would be the first to tell you that I was hardly the man I am today over ten years ago. People change. We grow. I don't think she would have even considered marrying me in my younger days.
--Eddie
I am a 28 year old single female. I have no kids, I own two cars, educated and continuing my education. I am drama free, willing to try anything, easily amused, work full time with my own place, but I am very independent and know what I want in a man. I won't date any men with kids, they have to hold down a job, have their own place, and be motivated to succeed. I was recently told by a complete stranger that the reason I am single is because I expect too much when it comes to men, but I think what I am looking for is very realistic and doable. Could my standards be too high and the cause for me to be single or is it something else? Thanks Ask 3 Guys I appreciate the help.
--Lonely Girl
****************
Dear Lonely Girl,
Victor's Take:
Albert Einstein once said, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result". I don't think the things which you are looking for are unobtainable, but at 28 years old if you're eliminating every man that has children, you are eliminating a major portion of the population. You say he needs to have a job, but what if he works at McDonald's? My father passed away in 2006 from Parkinson's disease. My mother was insistent on staying in this house. From a financial standpoint, it was not possible. I moved in to help out and today she is happy to be in her house. There is some irony in the situation as I sleep in the master bedroom and my mother sleeps in my childhood bedroom. Would I automatically be eliminated from the list? My guess is that you are meeting a lot of men that do fall within your parameters, but for whatever reason you are not closing the deal. To answer your question yes I think it is the something else. I would look at other aspects of your life. Also, I would consider where you are meeting these men that do not meet your standards. Do something different - go to new places, try new restaurants, take a different course of action... What if you met the man of your dreams and he was a teacher that makes $22,000 a year and has a two-year-old son? He is the perfect man in every other way, but his salary/status and his son preclude him from your list? Whose loss would be?
I'll leave you with this: try and keep an open mind and don't worry so much about your list. I wish you nothing but the best in your search for the perfect man.
--Victor
************
Ronnie's Take:
Having standards are good, but you are limiting your pool by your guidelines. Good people and good guys can go through hard times and have kids. Be open to listening to what they have to say before you rule them out. Be secure in the person you are and being single. This allows you to expect the best from a man and that's okay. You might be single for a long time and that's okay .
--Ronnie
************
Eddie's Take:
Here's the quick and dirty--- STOP TRYING!
Guess what? The knight in shining armour is not out there. Relationships are all about compatibility and flexibility. Do you think there is actually a guy out there that has painted a picture of the perfect woman, and everything about her just happens to be you? I highly doubt it. You have you quirks and issues just like anyone else. We are all human.
I chased the dragon in regard to finding Ms. Right for well over a decade. I was the pickiest of the picky, and though I dated many, none of them ever lasted. When I started dating based on emotion, rather than comparing the woman to a fairytale-world mold, that is when things started falling into place.
You can't tell your heart who to love--- it just happens. I love my wife dearly, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But, do you think that it is an on-going romantic novel? Not quite... hence, the need for flexibility.
You'll find someone that you just enjoy spending time with. Maybe he will have a kid. Is that a deal-breaker? If you constantly set such high standards, you are going to be traveling down a long road. I'm not saying do not have any standards, but be realistic.
Finally, just stop looking. There is nothing more attractive than a confident woman that is living her life, and she knows who she is. Find out who you are. Develop your self. The rest will come.
Best of luck to you.
P.S. Just an FYI... My wife would be the first to tell you that I was hardly the man I am today over ten years ago. People change. We grow. I don't think she would have even considered marrying me in my younger days.
--Eddie
Monday, April 13, 2009
Should I take the Job? Even if another may come available?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Hi guys, I hope you can help me out. I have been job hunting for a few months now. I am finally very close to securing a job with a company. I have gone in for 5 interviews and have one more to go. I feel confident that this will work out. At the same time I have applied for a jobs at another company. This company has expressed an interest but I have not gone in for an interview nor do they have a job opening. Would it be wise to send this company an email to let them know I am close to securing a job at another company in the hopes of them pushing things along or do I do nothing. A month from now it may be too late. I should also mention that the job I am close to getting is not my ideal job and also this is in Banking. Things are tough in the banking world right now. What do you suggest I do?
Thanks for your help.
--Gary
***********
Dear Gary,
Ronnie's Take:
You have nothing to lose send the letter in a professional manner. They won't not hire you because of the letter.
--Ronnie
***********
Victor's Take:
My track record for keeping jobs is not the best (I don't like to stay in one place too long) so I'm not sure if I'm the person to answer this question or not. I always keep my options open when it comes to jobs. 50 years ago job security was a given. Today - it just doesn't exist. In today's corporate world, everyone is replaceable. Consequently, I always keep an updated resume and always keep my options open. With the economy in the condition it is in, keeping your options open is a necessity. My recommendation going forward is a simple one: keep your resume up to date and keep sending it out. You should treat yourself as a Corporation and continually market yourself and your skills. Send the other company the e-mail. I wish you the best of luck going forward to finding your dream job.
--Victor
**********
Eddie's Take:
Things are tough everywhere. I am thankful that I work for a defense contractor, which is an area that America will always need. Here's what I think... You have to do whatever it takes to support yourself. If that means taking a job out of your comfort zone, then so be it. If you were currently employed, would you tell your company that you were interviewing for other jobs? Or, would you wait until you actually were offered a job? The latter seems like the right answer to me. If you take the available job, and the other company's interest in you arises, then I would hope that you would take the offer. Getting a job is not like getting married. You have options. Even though you take a job, you may leave for something that is a better fit for you.
Eight months ago, I transferred from a department that I had been with for over nine years. I actually thought that this was the best opportunity for me. I had a chance to learn more, and I enjoyed my role in the new position. Last week, I accepted a transfer back to the department that I had originally left. It's not that I wasn't happy, but the new job is a great career opportunity that fully supports my long-term goals with the company.
So, do what you have to do to make ends meet, but, when the opportunity accomplish your dreams pops up-- you better take it.
Just take the job, and don't tell them anything. Stay in contact with the other company just to let them know that you are still interested in pursuing a career with their company.
Best of luck to you.
--Eddie
**********
Hi guys, I hope you can help me out. I have been job hunting for a few months now. I am finally very close to securing a job with a company. I have gone in for 5 interviews and have one more to go. I feel confident that this will work out. At the same time I have applied for a jobs at another company. This company has expressed an interest but I have not gone in for an interview nor do they have a job opening. Would it be wise to send this company an email to let them know I am close to securing a job at another company in the hopes of them pushing things along or do I do nothing. A month from now it may be too late. I should also mention that the job I am close to getting is not my ideal job and also this is in Banking. Things are tough in the banking world right now. What do you suggest I do?
Thanks for your help.
--Gary
***********
Dear Gary,
Ronnie's Take:
You have nothing to lose send the letter in a professional manner. They won't not hire you because of the letter.
--Ronnie
***********
Victor's Take:
My track record for keeping jobs is not the best (I don't like to stay in one place too long) so I'm not sure if I'm the person to answer this question or not. I always keep my options open when it comes to jobs. 50 years ago job security was a given. Today - it just doesn't exist. In today's corporate world, everyone is replaceable. Consequently, I always keep an updated resume and always keep my options open. With the economy in the condition it is in, keeping your options open is a necessity. My recommendation going forward is a simple one: keep your resume up to date and keep sending it out. You should treat yourself as a Corporation and continually market yourself and your skills. Send the other company the e-mail. I wish you the best of luck going forward to finding your dream job.
--Victor
**********
Eddie's Take:
Things are tough everywhere. I am thankful that I work for a defense contractor, which is an area that America will always need. Here's what I think... You have to do whatever it takes to support yourself. If that means taking a job out of your comfort zone, then so be it. If you were currently employed, would you tell your company that you were interviewing for other jobs? Or, would you wait until you actually were offered a job? The latter seems like the right answer to me. If you take the available job, and the other company's interest in you arises, then I would hope that you would take the offer. Getting a job is not like getting married. You have options. Even though you take a job, you may leave for something that is a better fit for you.
Eight months ago, I transferred from a department that I had been with for over nine years. I actually thought that this was the best opportunity for me. I had a chance to learn more, and I enjoyed my role in the new position. Last week, I accepted a transfer back to the department that I had originally left. It's not that I wasn't happy, but the new job is a great career opportunity that fully supports my long-term goals with the company.
So, do what you have to do to make ends meet, but, when the opportunity accomplish your dreams pops up-- you better take it.
Just take the job, and don't tell them anything. Stay in contact with the other company just to let them know that you are still interested in pursuing a career with their company.
Best of luck to you.
--Eddie
**********
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Change.... Is it temporary or permanent?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I met someone a year ago that I cannot get out of my mind. About two months into our relationship, his father died. His behavior began to change after that. While I cannot get into all the specifics here, we have done a lot to hurt each other over the past few months since the relationship has ended. He is a single father and took custody of his son and moved and failed his semester in a program he was about to graduate from. His appearance has changed drastically. He hurt me a lot after we broke up because he started dating a 22 year old girl. He's 34. His son is 14. I used to think people didn't change, but now I am starting to reconsider that notion. Is it possible for this to be just a phase? I am having a very hard time forgiving him. I can say that everything I have done wrong to him was a reaction to how hurt I was by his lack of human feeling throughout this whole process. He wasn't an ass before, but his entire personality changed very quickly. I still love him for who he was, and I know I need to put a lot of distance between us for a while.
--Thrown for a Loop
**********************
Dear Thrown for a Loop,
Victor's Take:
Based on the information that you have given, this is a man with deep emotional scars that have come from a variety of sources. The change in appearance and behavior - two classic, textbook signs of depression. I would not say that this is a phase. I would say that this is something that he needs help getting out of. Imagine a person in a deep dark hole waiting for someone to come along with a ladder.
I'm not excusing his behavior towards you. But, this might be an opportunity in your life to forgive him and tell him - "I accept responsibility for the things that I did to you, and I am deeply sorry. I want you to be happy no matter what happens between the two of us." Then, I want you to let him get help. You cannot force him to, but maybe - just maybe you forgiving him may be the wakeup call he needs to realize that I have a problem and I need
help.
As much as you are going to want to force him into getting help, resist the urge; this is something he needs to do. Also, given his emotional state, I would also not involve myself in a romantic relationship with him. Unhealthy people have unhealthy relationships. You have already been down that road him.
I hope he gets help.
That's my take.
--Victor
**********
Ronnie's Take:
Yes people have life changing experiences for good and bad. Having the strength to accept the things you can't change is a powerful lesson. Obsessing yourself with any situation isn't healthy for you. I would move on. It could just be a phase he is going though, but he knows how to find you if he comes out of it. You must just move on. You have no other option but moving on. If you need closure, communicate and ask him why is he acting like this.
--Ronnie
***********
Eddie's Take:
I would relate his change of character to a depressed state. Losing his father had to significantly impact him. The death of a loved one is a tough hurdle for some people to overcome. Unfortunately, guys often use anger to express sadness. We are men... we are not supposed to cry and be soft. So, even though he doesn't express it, he is hurting deeply on the inside. The best thing that you can do is to offer a genuine friendship, and you should apologize for any pain that your actions or words may have caused him. Let him know that you care for him, and you just want to see him happy. Then, leave the ball in his court. Don't chase him, don't pester him. Just try to be understanding that he has to overcome the things that are impacting him.
So, is it a phase? I believe so. I have gone through lows in my life where my character was horrible. Bottled up emotion and anger can lead to huge changes in your behavior. He may just snap out of it one day, and decide to get back on track-- that's what I did!
--Eddie
*********
I met someone a year ago that I cannot get out of my mind. About two months into our relationship, his father died. His behavior began to change after that. While I cannot get into all the specifics here, we have done a lot to hurt each other over the past few months since the relationship has ended. He is a single father and took custody of his son and moved and failed his semester in a program he was about to graduate from. His appearance has changed drastically. He hurt me a lot after we broke up because he started dating a 22 year old girl. He's 34. His son is 14. I used to think people didn't change, but now I am starting to reconsider that notion. Is it possible for this to be just a phase? I am having a very hard time forgiving him. I can say that everything I have done wrong to him was a reaction to how hurt I was by his lack of human feeling throughout this whole process. He wasn't an ass before, but his entire personality changed very quickly. I still love him for who he was, and I know I need to put a lot of distance between us for a while.
--Thrown for a Loop
**********************
Dear Thrown for a Loop,
Victor's Take:
Based on the information that you have given, this is a man with deep emotional scars that have come from a variety of sources. The change in appearance and behavior - two classic, textbook signs of depression. I would not say that this is a phase. I would say that this is something that he needs help getting out of. Imagine a person in a deep dark hole waiting for someone to come along with a ladder.
I'm not excusing his behavior towards you. But, this might be an opportunity in your life to forgive him and tell him - "I accept responsibility for the things that I did to you, and I am deeply sorry. I want you to be happy no matter what happens between the two of us." Then, I want you to let him get help. You cannot force him to, but maybe - just maybe you forgiving him may be the wakeup call he needs to realize that I have a problem and I need
help.
As much as you are going to want to force him into getting help, resist the urge; this is something he needs to do. Also, given his emotional state, I would also not involve myself in a romantic relationship with him. Unhealthy people have unhealthy relationships. You have already been down that road him.
I hope he gets help.
That's my take.
--Victor
**********
Ronnie's Take:
Yes people have life changing experiences for good and bad. Having the strength to accept the things you can't change is a powerful lesson. Obsessing yourself with any situation isn't healthy for you. I would move on. It could just be a phase he is going though, but he knows how to find you if he comes out of it. You must just move on. You have no other option but moving on. If you need closure, communicate and ask him why is he acting like this.
--Ronnie
***********
Eddie's Take:
I would relate his change of character to a depressed state. Losing his father had to significantly impact him. The death of a loved one is a tough hurdle for some people to overcome. Unfortunately, guys often use anger to express sadness. We are men... we are not supposed to cry and be soft. So, even though he doesn't express it, he is hurting deeply on the inside. The best thing that you can do is to offer a genuine friendship, and you should apologize for any pain that your actions or words may have caused him. Let him know that you care for him, and you just want to see him happy. Then, leave the ball in his court. Don't chase him, don't pester him. Just try to be understanding that he has to overcome the things that are impacting him.
So, is it a phase? I believe so. I have gone through lows in my life where my character was horrible. Bottled up emotion and anger can lead to huge changes in your behavior. He may just snap out of it one day, and decide to get back on track-- that's what I did!
--Eddie
*********
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Friends, Lovers, FWBs??? (But wait... he's married!)
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I have met a guy that I so want to be with-- the issue is he is married. The upside is his wife approves of it..encourages it ...in her presence...the down side is she wants to join in. My issue is I have no desire to be with a woman at all. I knew all of this before I became interested in this guy. I tried to break it off and he understands and wants to be friends. He said he needs me and loves me, but understands my fears. He says I will be comfortable when I meet his wife in knowing she would be ok with us being together...we just click and have a connection like no other. He has been completely honest about the whole thing as I have been with him. What do I do?...run fast or have him as a wonderful friend and part time lover or ???
--Secret Lover
****************
Dear Secret Lover,
Ronnie's Take:
It comes down to your happiness. What situation can you handle and still be happy? This is very VERY weird but it's about you and what you can handle and are looking for in a relationship/life. I would run fast, but only you know your limits and what it takes to make you happy.
--Ronnie
***********
Victor's Take:
You are dating a married man. There's your problem.
I'm not judging, just stating the obvious.
Chances are, even if you consent to sleeping with the wife also to appease him, things are going fall apart in epic fashion. At least one of the three (if not all three) of you are going to let emotions get in the way of your seemingly perfect ménages a trios and it is all going to come crashing down all over you. That's sad because it sounds like fun, but that is only in theory and would don't live life theoretically.
Can you just allow him to be a friend with benefits or friend? I don't think so...
"I have met a guy that I so want to be with" - your words. You have already developed strong emotional feelings for him. The FWB thing is not going to work for you. Most people cannot be good friends with their exes. I find it easy, most people do not.
I would cut your losses and move on - quickly.
That's my take.
--Victor
**********
Eddie's Take:
Married couples that involve a third party in their intimacy typically go for someone that is not the type that would get attached. These relationships are usually just fun for couples, and neither person has a romantic relationship with the third person.
It sounds like this guy wants to live out some fantasies. If he wants you, why the hell is he with his wife? If you continue to down the FWB path, you are only setting yourself up to be hurt. It definitely sounds like you are unable to leave your emotions out of the game. You already seem like you are falling for the guy. If you continue screwing him, he will never have a reason to leave his wife. Tell him that you can't continue the relationship under these circumstances, and he can contact you when he gets his shit together. If he genuinely loves you, he'll walk away from her.
Don't play his game.
--Eddie
***********
I have met a guy that I so want to be with-- the issue is he is married. The upside is his wife approves of it..encourages it ...in her presence...the down side is she wants to join in. My issue is I have no desire to be with a woman at all. I knew all of this before I became interested in this guy. I tried to break it off and he understands and wants to be friends. He said he needs me and loves me, but understands my fears. He says I will be comfortable when I meet his wife in knowing she would be ok with us being together...we just click and have a connection like no other. He has been completely honest about the whole thing as I have been with him. What do I do?...run fast or have him as a wonderful friend and part time lover or ???
--Secret Lover
****************
Dear Secret Lover,
Ronnie's Take:
It comes down to your happiness. What situation can you handle and still be happy? This is very VERY weird but it's about you and what you can handle and are looking for in a relationship/life. I would run fast, but only you know your limits and what it takes to make you happy.
--Ronnie
***********
Victor's Take:
You are dating a married man. There's your problem.
I'm not judging, just stating the obvious.
Chances are, even if you consent to sleeping with the wife also to appease him, things are going fall apart in epic fashion. At least one of the three (if not all three) of you are going to let emotions get in the way of your seemingly perfect ménages a trios and it is all going to come crashing down all over you. That's sad because it sounds like fun, but that is only in theory and would don't live life theoretically.
Can you just allow him to be a friend with benefits or friend? I don't think so...
"I have met a guy that I so want to be with" - your words. You have already developed strong emotional feelings for him. The FWB thing is not going to work for you. Most people cannot be good friends with their exes. I find it easy, most people do not.
I would cut your losses and move on - quickly.
That's my take.
--Victor
**********
Eddie's Take:
Married couples that involve a third party in their intimacy typically go for someone that is not the type that would get attached. These relationships are usually just fun for couples, and neither person has a romantic relationship with the third person.
It sounds like this guy wants to live out some fantasies. If he wants you, why the hell is he with his wife? If you continue to down the FWB path, you are only setting yourself up to be hurt. It definitely sounds like you are unable to leave your emotions out of the game. You already seem like you are falling for the guy. If you continue screwing him, he will never have a reason to leave his wife. Tell him that you can't continue the relationship under these circumstances, and he can contact you when he gets his shit together. If he genuinely loves you, he'll walk away from her.
Don't play his game.
--Eddie
***********
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
What will guys think?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Ok, guys. Here's the deal.
I was with my ex for 10 years. During the course of our relationship, I caught him cheating 3 times. I finally left after the 3rd time. He is a drunk and is emotionally abusive. I was very much under his thumb, you could even say that he was just plain mean....
Anyway, about 6 months after we broke up, I was raped-- Brutally. I had 23 bruises just on my left thigh. Bite marks, hair pulled out, there was tearing and bleeding. I was barely able to walk the following day. I had not been with a man since my ex prior to that night.
I have not been touched by a man since and that was over a year ago. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely uncomfortable with anyone touching me, whether it is a friend or even my mother.
My question is: how is a man going to react to this news if and when I decide to date again? Should I tell a guy when we start dating? I am afraid of the reaction I may have when some guy I decide to date touches me. Is this too much baggage to ask someone to deal with? What is a guy going to think about all that?
I am anxiously awaiting your replies.
Thanks,
The Baggage Lady
******************
Dear BL,
Ronnie's Take:
Honesty and communication are important in life. That being said, I hope you are receiving professional help and working past this. Find a motivation to get through is. I was molested when I was young be a male relative. I know it wasn't me fault. I knew I couldn't let it control or ruin my life. Your brutality was a different level. You must realize this was an out of ordinary life experience. You must jump back in (either slowly or with both feet). Explain-communicate and get on with life. You can get busy living or you can get busy dying? Which one do you choose? Any guy will understand and go at your speed, if not they aren't worth your time any way. Maybe try just getting a guy to lay naked and still. Then you move at your pace with him until you get comfortable again. Break the control the event has over you.
--Ronnie
**********
Victor's Take:
I'm very sorry that you endured that. It pains my heart and it hurt to read it.
I'm going to assume that you are getting / receiving ongoing counseling. If not, go NOW!
You have seen and experienced more adversity in your life than most people will ever see. The light at the end of the tunnel is this - there are people out there just like you that have faced serious adversity and overcome it.
They lead fulfilling lives - you can too.
I would not tell a man immediately (I would speak to your counselor(s) about how to handle this as well), but I think it is a conversation that you need to have early on. I think every man's reaction would be different, so it's hard to say one way or the other. I'm sure it's going to be somewhat shocking for all.
What I don't want you to do is think that there is no man that is going to love you or understand. They are out there and they will. I promise you. You need to be in a good emotional state to have a open heart and mind and except that love when it is presented to you.
Don't give up. Don't ever give up. If you do, your ex-husband wins. The rapist wins.
Lee Iacocca once said, "In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive." I think his advice on adversity is spot on.
I wish you nothing but the best.
--Victor
**********
Eddie's Take:
We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.
Rough times in life come in a shapes and forms. It definitely saddened me to read your story, and, even though this is anonymous, I applaud your ability to get your pain out there. When a woman is violated against her will, there is a recovery process that they must go through. Unfortunately, there's no prescribed timeline for how long it takes.
I would hope that you have had counseling in regard to this, because it is very difficult to overcome the emotional scars from such a devastating event.
Walk with your head high, knowing that you did not do anything to deserve what happened to you. Don't blame yourself at all.
As far as future dating goes, you should just be open with the guy. If you date a mature guy, he shouldn't have an issue at all. Just take your time in the bedroom. Discuss your feelings and your boundaries. Tell him what would make you uncomfortable.
A day will come when you can close that chapter.
--Eddie
*********
Ok, guys. Here's the deal.
I was with my ex for 10 years. During the course of our relationship, I caught him cheating 3 times. I finally left after the 3rd time. He is a drunk and is emotionally abusive. I was very much under his thumb, you could even say that he was just plain mean....
Anyway, about 6 months after we broke up, I was raped-- Brutally. I had 23 bruises just on my left thigh. Bite marks, hair pulled out, there was tearing and bleeding. I was barely able to walk the following day. I had not been with a man since my ex prior to that night.
I have not been touched by a man since and that was over a year ago. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely uncomfortable with anyone touching me, whether it is a friend or even my mother.
My question is: how is a man going to react to this news if and when I decide to date again? Should I tell a guy when we start dating? I am afraid of the reaction I may have when some guy I decide to date touches me. Is this too much baggage to ask someone to deal with? What is a guy going to think about all that?
I am anxiously awaiting your replies.
Thanks,
The Baggage Lady
******************
Dear BL,
Ronnie's Take:
Honesty and communication are important in life. That being said, I hope you are receiving professional help and working past this. Find a motivation to get through is. I was molested when I was young be a male relative. I know it wasn't me fault. I knew I couldn't let it control or ruin my life. Your brutality was a different level. You must realize this was an out of ordinary life experience. You must jump back in (either slowly or with both feet). Explain-communicate and get on with life. You can get busy living or you can get busy dying? Which one do you choose? Any guy will understand and go at your speed, if not they aren't worth your time any way. Maybe try just getting a guy to lay naked and still. Then you move at your pace with him until you get comfortable again. Break the control the event has over you.
--Ronnie
**********
Victor's Take:
I'm very sorry that you endured that. It pains my heart and it hurt to read it.
I'm going to assume that you are getting / receiving ongoing counseling. If not, go NOW!
You have seen and experienced more adversity in your life than most people will ever see. The light at the end of the tunnel is this - there are people out there just like you that have faced serious adversity and overcome it.
They lead fulfilling lives - you can too.
I would not tell a man immediately (I would speak to your counselor(s) about how to handle this as well), but I think it is a conversation that you need to have early on. I think every man's reaction would be different, so it's hard to say one way or the other. I'm sure it's going to be somewhat shocking for all.
What I don't want you to do is think that there is no man that is going to love you or understand. They are out there and they will. I promise you. You need to be in a good emotional state to have a open heart and mind and except that love when it is presented to you.
Don't give up. Don't ever give up. If you do, your ex-husband wins. The rapist wins.
Lee Iacocca once said, "In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive." I think his advice on adversity is spot on.
I wish you nothing but the best.
--Victor
**********
Eddie's Take:
We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.
Rough times in life come in a shapes and forms. It definitely saddened me to read your story, and, even though this is anonymous, I applaud your ability to get your pain out there. When a woman is violated against her will, there is a recovery process that they must go through. Unfortunately, there's no prescribed timeline for how long it takes.
I would hope that you have had counseling in regard to this, because it is very difficult to overcome the emotional scars from such a devastating event.
Walk with your head high, knowing that you did not do anything to deserve what happened to you. Don't blame yourself at all.
As far as future dating goes, you should just be open with the guy. If you date a mature guy, he shouldn't have an issue at all. Just take your time in the bedroom. Discuss your feelings and your boundaries. Tell him what would make you uncomfortable.
A day will come when you can close that chapter.
--Eddie
*********
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