Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I am a 44 year old whose husband (49) of 14 years (7 living together followed by 7 of marriage) is verbally abusive to me. At times he is the sweetest, most charming man; then he just picks fights with me for no reason at all.
Not only is he disrespectful, he especially does it in public. His own friends have told me that they don't like the way he talks to me, but do not want to get involved. And I don't blame them for that.
I have just left him to go live with my daughter in KC and he still doesn't get it. He thinks that I am just being a brat and will get over it.
Do you think he will ever see the light and treat me like a lady that he loves. Or is he just a lost cause.
--Disrespected Lady
*************************
Dear DL,
Ronnie's Take:
First, let's handle the public disrespect part. Every time, without fail, when he disrespects you in public say " well maybe if your dick wasn't soooo little (whether it's true or not) _______ (whatever he is complaining about) wouldn't be a problem! He'll get the disrespect in public problem real quick. It's not too lady like, but will make the point you need to make. Next, to stay or go? Follow the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If not, move on after you make it clear what your issue is.
--Ronnie
*************
Victor's Take:
I don't think anyone is a lost cause, just like I don't believe anything is impossible.
But, you cannot change your husband. He has to WANT to change. I assume you have shared with him that his behavior is unacceptable and hurts you on numerous occasions. But, for whatever reason, he continues to do it. I also assume that you probably feel like maybe you had some hand in him acting this way - that, it may be on some level your fault. It rarely, if ever is so don't beat yourself up about it anymore.
My guess is that your husband has deep, underlying emotional issues from his childhood or early adulthood that he has never dealt with. He needs to get help with this, but you cannot force him. Nor, is it your responsibility to fix him or feel bad for him. The responsibility to change his behavior is his and his alone. Maybe one day he will see the light, but that is up to him not you. Everyone deserves to live healthy, happy lives.
--Victor
***********
Eddie's Take:
There's a thin line between love and hate. It seems that the people that are the closest to you are the ones that can hurt you the most; however, to intentionally do it is uncool. I find that people are usually guilty of something when they treat their spouse like that. I'm not even talking about cheating. He could be watching porn and masturbating when you are not home. Then, he feels guilty, so he acts out. Just a thought...
To fix this, you need to tell him how you feel. When you do ___________, I feel ____________. Let him know that his actions have an impact on your feelings. If he doesn't get the point, I would suggest going to therapy. Maybe an unbiased third party could shed some light on it. If not, give him an ultimatum, but be sure that you stick to your guns. If you say you are done... be done.
Nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect. Be strong.
--Eddie
****************
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Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Where Did I Get Sideways?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Well I think I done fucked up. So here is the deal. I respond to post on your page all the time under a different name. Little Native. But she is gone, old page, bad Karma.
So I met this man, on line.. yeah ok what ever. It was weird because I thought my profile was unsearchable, and I had not used in in months... Turns out he knows my son, through the police academy. My son gave him two thumbs up, keep in mind he hates everyone. So over the course of several days we talk, e-mail...you know the drill, we meet for coffee late one night, then lunch a few days later.
I have certain things I like in men. Very specific things. He was more than qualified. I called our dates big waves and lightening. Just a chemistry I have never felt before. We had great fun together. And he knew that the past year I had been recovering from a very unexpected break up. The timing for me was good, and for him as well. So yup I slept with him.... spent the weekend with him... And it was amazing....
He works funky hours, I seen him this past Thursday, more of that good stuff... He said he would talk to me on Friday..No call, I had the icy feeling in my chest, I sent him an email and said maybe I made an error, maybe we should have been more thoughtful... I told him that if it was just a sex thing he should have said so. Even though in our conversations he said he wanted to settle down, His daughter was raised, his new job secure, time to get on with the rest of his life. We were on the same page in our lives.He sent me a text that went something like this. "Work called me in early, in ICU with inmate, phone was dead, forgot charger." OK so kill me now...
So now, yup I am in the dog house he will not speak to me, and wow, it is killing me. So what the fuck???? I thought I had all the damn answers... I will leave this one up to you and the all knowing readers. Any questions ask. Sorry so long, but I hate it when people do not put in enough info.
--Jane Doe #516
Dear Jane Doe #516,
Ronnie's Take:
A simple re-explanation of your actions. Text him or email him that you jumped the gun. You are a little new to the dating game again and let all kind of things run through your head. All the horror stories of your friends. Explain the chemistry you felt. Tell him no would like to start dating again with no expectations-- just casual and start over. Tell him you are learning and growing, so it would be great if he would give it another try.
--Ronnie
*************
Victor's Take:
You both sound like mature, honest people. So, BE HONEST....
Tell him you fucked him. That you overacted and that it was a mistake. If he likes you, he will forgive you. If the chemistry that you say is there, really is - then it should be a no-brainer for him. It would for me.
I think he probably thought you were overacting because of your recent breakup (i.e. - "she is lumping me in with all the bad men, etc."), and he took it personally. Pick up the phone and call his ass and apologize to him.
Sounds like a good thing - go fight for it.
--V.
***********
Eddie's Take:
Let him know that you had a bit of a defense up as a result of some of the assholes you dated in the past. You guys sound like two mature people that have been through their own difficult journeys. It seems like you had such a great connection, and, perhaps, you came across a bit crazy when you couldn't get in touch with him. That must have scared him. You need to get a face-to-face with him again. Try to have dinner or coffee with him, so you can look him in the eyes and open up to him. Don't go for drinks, and don't do it at his or your house, because that will only lead to sex, and you have to iron this out before you go there. Sex would only be a false fix. Just talk to him, and be honest. Let him know you screwed up.
You can make this work.
--Eddie
***************
Well I think I done fucked up. So here is the deal. I respond to post on your page all the time under a different name. Little Native. But she is gone, old page, bad Karma.
So I met this man, on line.. yeah ok what ever. It was weird because I thought my profile was unsearchable, and I had not used in in months... Turns out he knows my son, through the police academy. My son gave him two thumbs up, keep in mind he hates everyone. So over the course of several days we talk, e-mail...you know the drill, we meet for coffee late one night, then lunch a few days later.
I have certain things I like in men. Very specific things. He was more than qualified. I called our dates big waves and lightening. Just a chemistry I have never felt before. We had great fun together. And he knew that the past year I had been recovering from a very unexpected break up. The timing for me was good, and for him as well. So yup I slept with him.... spent the weekend with him... And it was amazing....
He works funky hours, I seen him this past Thursday, more of that good stuff... He said he would talk to me on Friday..No call, I had the icy feeling in my chest, I sent him an email and said maybe I made an error, maybe we should have been more thoughtful... I told him that if it was just a sex thing he should have said so. Even though in our conversations he said he wanted to settle down, His daughter was raised, his new job secure, time to get on with the rest of his life. We were on the same page in our lives.He sent me a text that went something like this. "Work called me in early, in ICU with inmate, phone was dead, forgot charger." OK so kill me now...
So now, yup I am in the dog house he will not speak to me, and wow, it is killing me. So what the fuck???? I thought I had all the damn answers... I will leave this one up to you and the all knowing readers. Any questions ask. Sorry so long, but I hate it when people do not put in enough info.
--Jane Doe #516
Dear Jane Doe #516,
Ronnie's Take:
A simple re-explanation of your actions. Text him or email him that you jumped the gun. You are a little new to the dating game again and let all kind of things run through your head. All the horror stories of your friends. Explain the chemistry you felt. Tell him no would like to start dating again with no expectations-- just casual and start over. Tell him you are learning and growing, so it would be great if he would give it another try.
--Ronnie
*************
Victor's Take:
You both sound like mature, honest people. So, BE HONEST....
Tell him you fucked him. That you overacted and that it was a mistake. If he likes you, he will forgive you. If the chemistry that you say is there, really is - then it should be a no-brainer for him. It would for me.
I think he probably thought you were overacting because of your recent breakup (i.e. - "she is lumping me in with all the bad men, etc."), and he took it personally. Pick up the phone and call his ass and apologize to him.
Sounds like a good thing - go fight for it.
--V.
***********
Eddie's Take:
Let him know that you had a bit of a defense up as a result of some of the assholes you dated in the past. You guys sound like two mature people that have been through their own difficult journeys. It seems like you had such a great connection, and, perhaps, you came across a bit crazy when you couldn't get in touch with him. That must have scared him. You need to get a face-to-face with him again. Try to have dinner or coffee with him, so you can look him in the eyes and open up to him. Don't go for drinks, and don't do it at his or your house, because that will only lead to sex, and you have to iron this out before you go there. Sex would only be a false fix. Just talk to him, and be honest. Let him know you screwed up.
You can make this work.
--Eddie
***************
Friday, July 3, 2009
A Family Needs Your Help
Instead of answering a question, today's post is for a dear friend, who's family is going through an emotional roller coaster.
Here's a little history...
Cindy and Patrick, a newly married couple, wanted nothing more than to bring a new life into their family. For over 18 months, they tried and tried to get pregnant. When they were finally successful, Cindy had a miscarriage. Determined to have a family, they continued trying. Six months later, the couple found out that they were going to be the proud parents of not one, but two babies--- yep,twins!!!
Cindy and Patrick, along with their tightly knitted family, knew that this was such a blessing. Without any complications throughout the pregnancy, the family had no reason to believe that they would be facing any problems. However, when she gave birth last week, things did not go according to the plan.
Cindy gave birth to two beautiful babies-- Bryce Nicholas and Mallory Elizabeth Fuller. Bryce, a healthy baby boy, weighed in at 7lbs and 15oz. Unfortunately, Mallory, weighing only 5lbs and 7oz, experienced major complications upon her entrance to our world. Upon taking her first breath, Mallory's lungs tore, and she immediately had to be hooked up to machines to stay alive.
Mallory was transported to Oschner hospital shortly after her birth, which did not allow her mother to be with her. While Cindy stayed hospitalized with Bryce, Patrick made the decision to follow his baby girl. After further testing, it was discovered that Mallory's kidneys had no function, nor could she breath on her own. After hours of trying, the decision was made to disconnect her from the machines.
Only experiencing 23 hours of this world, Mallory touched the hearts of this loving family for a few hours, and now she's gone.
I can't even begin to fathom how Cindy and Patrick must feel. How do you celebrate the life of one child, while mourning the loss of another? Though Cindy is saddened by the loss of Mallory, baby Bryce needs her to be a strong mother. Cindy's family is working together to ensure that this unfortunate event is as painless as possible for Cindy.
As you know, with death comes expenses. After 9 months of preparing for life, Cindy and Patrick must face the inevitable-- burying their little girl. So, Ask 3 Guys is asking for your help. Funeral expenses, of course, are not cheap. So, if you could help with a small donation, your generosity will go a long way. This young couple could use the help, so we are asking everyone to visit our site, http://www.ask3guys.com/, and click the "Donate" button on the left of the home page to assist Cindy and Patrick. We will issue the family a check after the donations are received.
Even though the donation feature on our site uses Paypal, you do not have to have a Paypal account to use it. You can simply donate using your credit card or debit card, and you can be confident that this is a 100% secured transaction.
Thank you so much for helping, and be sure to tell your friends and family about this unfortunate event. Our prayers are with Cindy and Patrick, and we want to do everything possible to help them out during these unfortunate times.
And, by the way, Bryce is doing great, and we know that Mallory will always be looking down on him.
Best Regards,
Ask 3 Guys
Here's a little history...
Cindy and Patrick, a newly married couple, wanted nothing more than to bring a new life into their family. For over 18 months, they tried and tried to get pregnant. When they were finally successful, Cindy had a miscarriage. Determined to have a family, they continued trying. Six months later, the couple found out that they were going to be the proud parents of not one, but two babies--- yep,twins!!!
Cindy and Patrick, along with their tightly knitted family, knew that this was such a blessing. Without any complications throughout the pregnancy, the family had no reason to believe that they would be facing any problems. However, when she gave birth last week, things did not go according to the plan.
Cindy gave birth to two beautiful babies-- Bryce Nicholas and Mallory Elizabeth Fuller. Bryce, a healthy baby boy, weighed in at 7lbs and 15oz. Unfortunately, Mallory, weighing only 5lbs and 7oz, experienced major complications upon her entrance to our world. Upon taking her first breath, Mallory's lungs tore, and she immediately had to be hooked up to machines to stay alive.
Mallory was transported to Oschner hospital shortly after her birth, which did not allow her mother to be with her. While Cindy stayed hospitalized with Bryce, Patrick made the decision to follow his baby girl. After further testing, it was discovered that Mallory's kidneys had no function, nor could she breath on her own. After hours of trying, the decision was made to disconnect her from the machines.
Only experiencing 23 hours of this world, Mallory touched the hearts of this loving family for a few hours, and now she's gone.
I can't even begin to fathom how Cindy and Patrick must feel. How do you celebrate the life of one child, while mourning the loss of another? Though Cindy is saddened by the loss of Mallory, baby Bryce needs her to be a strong mother. Cindy's family is working together to ensure that this unfortunate event is as painless as possible for Cindy.
As you know, with death comes expenses. After 9 months of preparing for life, Cindy and Patrick must face the inevitable-- burying their little girl. So, Ask 3 Guys is asking for your help. Funeral expenses, of course, are not cheap. So, if you could help with a small donation, your generosity will go a long way. This young couple could use the help, so we are asking everyone to visit our site, http://www.ask3guys.com/, and click the "Donate" button on the left of the home page to assist Cindy and Patrick. We will issue the family a check after the donations are received.
Even though the donation feature on our site uses Paypal, you do not have to have a Paypal account to use it. You can simply donate using your credit card or debit card, and you can be confident that this is a 100% secured transaction.
Thank you so much for helping, and be sure to tell your friends and family about this unfortunate event. Our prayers are with Cindy and Patrick, and we want to do everything possible to help them out during these unfortunate times.
And, by the way, Bryce is doing great, and we know that Mallory will always be looking down on him.
Best Regards,
Ask 3 Guys
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