Now that the Thanksgiving break is over, it's time to get back on the grind. Many of you have had time off to spend with your family for Thanksgiving.
We just want to get some dialogue going on how everything went for you.
Did you eat too much?
Are you still munching on leftovers?
Did you do all, or some, of the cooking?
Did you have to spend time with your significant other's family? How'd that go?
Did you go out of town? How did the traveling go?
Did you do any shopping for Black Friday? What type of good deals were out there?
Now, are you ready for Christmas?
Tell us all about it...
We'll be posting a new question with 3 great responses shortly. We just wanted to touch base with everyone, and, if you are new to Ask 3 Guys, be sure to read some of our previous posts to see what we are all about.
Also, don't forget to check out the website. Hit up www.ask3guys.com to read the latest, or you can submit an anonymous question that we will each answer.
With the holiday season shortly approaching, we will be looking into some of the most popular gifts for him and her. Let us know if you already have some ideas on that.
Also, don't forget about our sponsors. Show them your support. Visit their website, or stop by to check them out.
And, in case you haven't noticed, Ask 3 Guys is very close to hitting our one year anniversary. Yep, we just kicked this thing off last December. Since then, we have answered a ton of questions, from all topics. We've learned that no topic is taboo, and no problem is the same. People deal with all sorts of issues, and, hopefully, we have helped to shed a little light on solving their problems. In the process, we've learned a good bit about ourselves too.
So, how do you think we did so far? We welcome any feedback that can help us to improve. We just surpassed 1000 friends, and we get new ones everyday. We also kicked off a FaceBook page that you can be a fan of. Our site traffic has stayed pretty consistent, and it has been great to have businesses interested in advertising on our site.
Remember, we are here to help people, and, as long as questions are submitted, we will keep on answering them. We hope that 2009 has been nice to you, and we are ready to kick off 2010 with you.
As always.... thanks for stopping by!
Ask 3 Guys
Eddie, Ronnie, & Vic
www.ask3guys.com
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Can I ever forgive him?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Can you ever really forgive a spouse for cheating? Can you get past the infidelity and have a strong relationship and marriage?
--Torn
***************
Dear Torn,
Victor's Take:
The short answers – it depends.
Forgiving is not about your spouse, it is about you. The word forgiveness is about self at its core, not about another’s actions. So, can YOU forgive them?
I think there will always be people – both men and women – that cannot, will not ever fully forgive a spouse for infidelity. That’s ok, because there are no wrong answers here. Your feelings and your emotions are yours to have.
I think the important thing here is to recognize what type of person YOU are. Can you truly forgive, or can’t you? If you cannot truly forgive and put it past you, you have no choice – cut the cord and move on. It is the right thing to do. You will never have a healthy relationship, as your underlying resentment will continue to create problems in the marriage.
If you can truly forgive – great. Do so fully and completely. Move forward and don’t look back.
I can tell you 100% of the time (in my experience, from the people I talked to) a spouse doesn’t decide to go out and have an affair for no reason. There are ALWAYS reasons. Get to the bottom of those problems, solve those issues and a happy relationship moving forward is possible.
Ultimately, be true to yourself and be able to admit weakness if it is the case. If you cannot truly forgive, move on! It is the best thing you can do not only for you, but for your spouse as well.
I would forgive my spouse, but that’s me. Forgiveness is a decision you need to make.
Good luck to you…
--Victor
::::::::::::::::::::::
Ronnie's Take:
Yes you can is the first answer. Is it very tough? YES
It takes two committed people. First, the adulter must be completely committed to making it work. The adulter must be completely honest about why they did it. The adulter must be a complete open book. They must be okay with text messages,emails, cell phone records being checked randomly at any time. This trust factor must be regained.
The partner must NOT continue to throw it up in their face. It must be dropped and given a true chance. It must not be the excuse for every fight that comes up after the fact. The partner must allow the adulter to be truly honest for the reason of cheating. NOTHING justifies cheating, but there are factors that can lead to cheating. Some factors the partner can help with. Some factors come strictly within the adulter.
I'll give the example of my ex-wife and I. We both cheated on each other. I was insecure in myself, growing up as a short, fat, shuddering red-head. My ex-wife wasn't affectionate. I took this as rejection and seeked out acceptance where ever I could find it. We both had issues to work on in this case.
My x-wife cheated out of jealousy. I was always the center of attention because of my personality. Even her close friends became very close friends of mine. Her way of getting attention and feeling good about herself was cheating. It was the only way she knew to get them to like her more than me.
We were married for 12 yrs and tried hard to overcome the infidelity. We had some very happy, fun times together as a couple, as we tried restoring our marriage. We forgave, but we couldn't get over our personal insecurities which led to more infidelity on both parts.
Is it possible? YES! Will it take an awesome amount of commitment and openness on both parts? YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!
--Ronnie
::::::::::::::::
Eddie's Take:
Seems like Ronnie and Vic had plenty to say about this one. Since I am the only Guy out of the 3 married, I will try my best to answer your question.
The thing that you don't want to hear is--- it depends. But, it does. We all have a different level of forgiveness. Are you someone that will always feel betrayed because you were cheated on? Does the fact that he cheated constantly monopolize your thoughts? Do you think he still cheats? There are so many questions that you have to ask yourself.
If most of those answers are yes, then I would say that you are the type of person that cannot forgive him. In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to give 100%. He has to work to gain your trust, and you have to learn to trust that he is being sincere.
For me, infidelity would be a deal-breaker. If it gets to that point, I would never want to continue a relationship with my wife. I just couldn't do it.
The bottom line is that we have only one life to live. Don't spend your life in a situation that you will regret when you reflect back your memories. It's not like you can try again. Focus on spending your life the way you picture it. Don't sell yourself short for anyone.
Good luck.
--Eddie
::::::::::::::::::
Can you ever really forgive a spouse for cheating? Can you get past the infidelity and have a strong relationship and marriage?
--Torn
***************
Dear Torn,
Victor's Take:
The short answers – it depends.
Forgiving is not about your spouse, it is about you. The word forgiveness is about self at its core, not about another’s actions. So, can YOU forgive them?
I think there will always be people – both men and women – that cannot, will not ever fully forgive a spouse for infidelity. That’s ok, because there are no wrong answers here. Your feelings and your emotions are yours to have.
I think the important thing here is to recognize what type of person YOU are. Can you truly forgive, or can’t you? If you cannot truly forgive and put it past you, you have no choice – cut the cord and move on. It is the right thing to do. You will never have a healthy relationship, as your underlying resentment will continue to create problems in the marriage.
If you can truly forgive – great. Do so fully and completely. Move forward and don’t look back.
I can tell you 100% of the time (in my experience, from the people I talked to) a spouse doesn’t decide to go out and have an affair for no reason. There are ALWAYS reasons. Get to the bottom of those problems, solve those issues and a happy relationship moving forward is possible.
Ultimately, be true to yourself and be able to admit weakness if it is the case. If you cannot truly forgive, move on! It is the best thing you can do not only for you, but for your spouse as well.
I would forgive my spouse, but that’s me. Forgiveness is a decision you need to make.
Good luck to you…
--Victor
::::::::::::::::::::::
Ronnie's Take:
Yes you can is the first answer. Is it very tough? YES
It takes two committed people. First, the adulter must be completely committed to making it work. The adulter must be completely honest about why they did it. The adulter must be a complete open book. They must be okay with text messages,emails, cell phone records being checked randomly at any time. This trust factor must be regained.
The partner must NOT continue to throw it up in their face. It must be dropped and given a true chance. It must not be the excuse for every fight that comes up after the fact. The partner must allow the adulter to be truly honest for the reason of cheating. NOTHING justifies cheating, but there are factors that can lead to cheating. Some factors the partner can help with. Some factors come strictly within the adulter.
I'll give the example of my ex-wife and I. We both cheated on each other. I was insecure in myself, growing up as a short, fat, shuddering red-head. My ex-wife wasn't affectionate. I took this as rejection and seeked out acceptance where ever I could find it. We both had issues to work on in this case.
My x-wife cheated out of jealousy. I was always the center of attention because of my personality. Even her close friends became very close friends of mine. Her way of getting attention and feeling good about herself was cheating. It was the only way she knew to get them to like her more than me.
We were married for 12 yrs and tried hard to overcome the infidelity. We had some very happy, fun times together as a couple, as we tried restoring our marriage. We forgave, but we couldn't get over our personal insecurities which led to more infidelity on both parts.
Is it possible? YES! Will it take an awesome amount of commitment and openness on both parts? YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!
--Ronnie
::::::::::::::::
Eddie's Take:
Seems like Ronnie and Vic had plenty to say about this one. Since I am the only Guy out of the 3 married, I will try my best to answer your question.
The thing that you don't want to hear is--- it depends. But, it does. We all have a different level of forgiveness. Are you someone that will always feel betrayed because you were cheated on? Does the fact that he cheated constantly monopolize your thoughts? Do you think he still cheats? There are so many questions that you have to ask yourself.
If most of those answers are yes, then I would say that you are the type of person that cannot forgive him. In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to give 100%. He has to work to gain your trust, and you have to learn to trust that he is being sincere.
For me, infidelity would be a deal-breaker. If it gets to that point, I would never want to continue a relationship with my wife. I just couldn't do it.
The bottom line is that we have only one life to live. Don't spend your life in a situation that you will regret when you reflect back your memories. It's not like you can try again. Focus on spending your life the way you picture it. Don't sell yourself short for anyone.
Good luck.
--Eddie
::::::::::::::::::
Friday, November 13, 2009
How do I get started?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Ok, so I need some advice, and this will be simple for you three lovely gentlemen, I'm sure, as you seem to have been hugely successful in your own endeavor.
Eddie, you know me pretty well. I'm sure you know that I'm very intelligent, but I sometimes have lack of focus and organization, but since I already know you, I'm hoping to get some perspective from all of you.
I want to start a sociologically-based book club (i.e. politics, social & world affairs, physical/emotional abuse, drugs, etc.). I've been wanting to do this for a good while now, but for some reason while reading my emails last night, something clicked inside my head and I had this overwhelming feeling to just do it. I need to get this project started and stop sitting on my ass just thinking about doing it. However, I have no idea how to really get started.
I've posted bulletins on both MySpace and Facebook to see how much interest I can generate, and, while I've had a few positive responses, I have also received a good bit of responses from people who just don't seem too fired up. I was thinking of printing flyers and posting them up around different college campuses in the area just to set up an initial meeting. That way, I'll have a chance to explain, on a much deeper level, my ideas and maybe get some people more interested.
Another thing, I don't have a place to really hold these discussions. A girl I know on student gov't at my school(Nunez) said she'd bring my idea to everyone's attention at the student gov't meeting today, and she said she may be able to convince them to give me a classroom one night every other week.
But, if that doesn't work out, then what? I can't hold too large of a group of people at my house, and parking would be impossible.
I don't want to charge extensive fees, as this is supposed to be fun and sort of like an escape from tedious everyday activities.
Obviously, I have to charge dues, so I can order the books online, but they'll be second-hand from an online bookstore, like Amazon. So how much should the dues be? Ballpark?
Basically, I think I may be in over my head. I mean, I think I can do it, it's just a matter of not knowing how.
Any help or advice you guys could give me would be amazing, and greatly appreciated!
Thanks so much!
KareBear
*****************
Dear KareBear,
Victor's Take:
I too, a while back, tried to start a book club. I love to read and write, so I reached out all of my MySpace friends (at the time, Facebook was in its
infancy) and got ZERO response.
I think you have some good ideas. I think flyers on college campuses is one.
Also, I would continue to reach out to my MySpace and Facebook families.
Don't worry about ordering the books yourself. I would have an option for members to buy their own books or you can order the books for them, only after collecting the money. Why take on more responsibility than you need to?
As far as meeting - I think this is the biggest challenge and may be why a bunch of people are not buying in. People are busier now than they have ever been - school, work, kids... Why not consider an alternative option like an online meeting? GoToMeeting.com is a great site, reasonably priced and here is where you need to collect your dues (number of members / cost of monthly site membership = dues to be collected). Also, by having online meetings, you open your club up to many, many more people...
There is an old saying: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
Don't try to do it all at once, a sense of failure or being overwhelmed will set in. Take it one step, one member at a time.
Good luck to you...
--Victor
******************
Ronnie's Take:
I would go to some social groups and organizations and ask to hand out flyers or give a presentation at the meetings. Flyers at gyms might work also. Also flyers, and help from Barnes n Nobles or Borders. I think they would be happy to help. I would avoid telling them the amazon connection, but, either way, having readers come to their place of business would interest them.
Your biting of a lot just for a fun interest. You must set the prices based on your time invested. Ask 3 Guys was a fun time investment that became a handful with little return. I still enjoy it, but expect that outcome also. Which leads me to you could advertise on the Ask 3 Guys website (we are real cheap LOL).
--Ronnie
***************
Eddie's Take:
Good for you for having the ambition to bring your dreams to fruition. When delving into any new endeavor, it is smart to perform a SWOT analysis to ensure that all factors are considered. The analysis identifies the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats associated with you plan. It sounds like you are on the right track; however, the initial steps required to start something are much more difficult than developing the concept.
With Ask 3 Guys, we were very lucky. Over a few beers, we kicked an idea around about giving advice to people via a website. After looking into it, I found out how inexpensive it would be to start the site. Less than a week later, we went live. Of course, it has not been a cake walk. We have struggled with maintaining the desired amount of traffic, but we are still hopeful.
My caveat to you is that you should not even worry about what your friends or family suggest. Even if they are all for it, their participation would be highly unlikely (I speak from experience with A3G). We have a few close people that have been with the site from the beginning, but most of our avid readers are people we do not personally know.
So, if I were you, I would look into doing something over the internet. Start a small social network that allowed people to discuss the book of the month or something. Websites are cheap, and you can even start it out with myspace or facebook to see what kind of interest you get. Post flyers at coffee shops... that would be a great place to start.
Once you get the message out there, be prepared to put in your time. You never know, it could blow up.
Good luck,
Eddie
**************
Ok, so I need some advice, and this will be simple for you three lovely gentlemen, I'm sure, as you seem to have been hugely successful in your own endeavor.
Eddie, you know me pretty well. I'm sure you know that I'm very intelligent, but I sometimes have lack of focus and organization, but since I already know you, I'm hoping to get some perspective from all of you.
I want to start a sociologically-based book club (i.e. politics, social & world affairs, physical/emotional abuse, drugs, etc.). I've been wanting to do this for a good while now, but for some reason while reading my emails last night, something clicked inside my head and I had this overwhelming feeling to just do it. I need to get this project started and stop sitting on my ass just thinking about doing it. However, I have no idea how to really get started.
I've posted bulletins on both MySpace and Facebook to see how much interest I can generate, and, while I've had a few positive responses, I have also received a good bit of responses from people who just don't seem too fired up. I was thinking of printing flyers and posting them up around different college campuses in the area just to set up an initial meeting. That way, I'll have a chance to explain, on a much deeper level, my ideas and maybe get some people more interested.
Another thing, I don't have a place to really hold these discussions. A girl I know on student gov't at my school(Nunez) said she'd bring my idea to everyone's attention at the student gov't meeting today, and she said she may be able to convince them to give me a classroom one night every other week.
But, if that doesn't work out, then what? I can't hold too large of a group of people at my house, and parking would be impossible.
I don't want to charge extensive fees, as this is supposed to be fun and sort of like an escape from tedious everyday activities.
Obviously, I have to charge dues, so I can order the books online, but they'll be second-hand from an online bookstore, like Amazon. So how much should the dues be? Ballpark?
Basically, I think I may be in over my head. I mean, I think I can do it, it's just a matter of not knowing how.
Any help or advice you guys could give me would be amazing, and greatly appreciated!
Thanks so much!
KareBear
*****************
Dear KareBear,
Victor's Take:
I too, a while back, tried to start a book club. I love to read and write, so I reached out all of my MySpace friends (at the time, Facebook was in its
infancy) and got ZERO response.
I think you have some good ideas. I think flyers on college campuses is one.
Also, I would continue to reach out to my MySpace and Facebook families.
Don't worry about ordering the books yourself. I would have an option for members to buy their own books or you can order the books for them, only after collecting the money. Why take on more responsibility than you need to?
As far as meeting - I think this is the biggest challenge and may be why a bunch of people are not buying in. People are busier now than they have ever been - school, work, kids... Why not consider an alternative option like an online meeting? GoToMeeting.com is a great site, reasonably priced and here is where you need to collect your dues (number of members / cost of monthly site membership = dues to be collected). Also, by having online meetings, you open your club up to many, many more people...
There is an old saying: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
Don't try to do it all at once, a sense of failure or being overwhelmed will set in. Take it one step, one member at a time.
Good luck to you...
--Victor
******************
Ronnie's Take:
I would go to some social groups and organizations and ask to hand out flyers or give a presentation at the meetings. Flyers at gyms might work also. Also flyers, and help from Barnes n Nobles or Borders. I think they would be happy to help. I would avoid telling them the amazon connection, but, either way, having readers come to their place of business would interest them.
Your biting of a lot just for a fun interest. You must set the prices based on your time invested. Ask 3 Guys was a fun time investment that became a handful with little return. I still enjoy it, but expect that outcome also. Which leads me to you could advertise on the Ask 3 Guys website (we are real cheap LOL).
--Ronnie
***************
Eddie's Take:
Good for you for having the ambition to bring your dreams to fruition. When delving into any new endeavor, it is smart to perform a SWOT analysis to ensure that all factors are considered. The analysis identifies the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats associated with you plan. It sounds like you are on the right track; however, the initial steps required to start something are much more difficult than developing the concept.
With Ask 3 Guys, we were very lucky. Over a few beers, we kicked an idea around about giving advice to people via a website. After looking into it, I found out how inexpensive it would be to start the site. Less than a week later, we went live. Of course, it has not been a cake walk. We have struggled with maintaining the desired amount of traffic, but we are still hopeful.
My caveat to you is that you should not even worry about what your friends or family suggest. Even if they are all for it, their participation would be highly unlikely (I speak from experience with A3G). We have a few close people that have been with the site from the beginning, but most of our avid readers are people we do not personally know.
So, if I were you, I would look into doing something over the internet. Start a small social network that allowed people to discuss the book of the month or something. Websites are cheap, and you can even start it out with myspace or facebook to see what kind of interest you get. Post flyers at coffee shops... that would be a great place to start.
Once you get the message out there, be prepared to put in your time. You never know, it could blow up.
Good luck,
Eddie
**************
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Is He Done With Me.
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Hi guys. I've been dating this guy for 5 years and it seems that he is losing interest in me or doesn't appreciate me anymore. Is it the beginning of the end?
--Leftovers
*****************
Dear Leftovers,
Ronnie's Take:
It's very possible. Limited info on the situation.
What do you want out of the relationship at this point? I'll assume because of you asking that you want to stay in the relationship.
Be non-threatening, and act like it's your idea. You feel that you two have become stagnet and want to change up things and bring back the excitement. Ask him for ideas and then you give some ideas. Make it fun Good luck!
--Ronnie
**************
Victor's Take:
It could be.
Have you sat down and communicated your feelings to him, in a emotional stable state of mind? (no whining, complaining, crying, etc.)
If so, what were his answers and do they make sense? I think many women, in attempt to find hope where there is none, overanalyze what guys REALLY say.
Do you listen to what he really says?
People grow apart all of the time, and while in your mind this may seem like the end of the world, it never is. In my experience, I find when one door closes, five open. Not only does adversity make you stronger, but you see the world in a different way.
Sit him down and have the discussion. Don't get up until you have the answers and really listen, don't interpret or overanalyze.
Good luck to you..
--Victor
*************
Eddie's Take:
The freshness of a relationship can sometimes find itself lost after several years. This often happens in marriages-- espectially when we have kids. Try not to nag him about it, since that can actually make things work. Try to understand how much he has going on in life, and, most importantly, just continue to show him what you think he wants. Just please don't nag about it, because it has a counter affect on some guys. In marriage, the 5th year is a tough one. In life, we end up complacent in many things we do. Relationships are no different. If he is over you, then there's nothing you can do. If not, he may just need a little refresher to remind him of what he has.
--Eddie
*************
Hi guys. I've been dating this guy for 5 years and it seems that he is losing interest in me or doesn't appreciate me anymore. Is it the beginning of the end?
--Leftovers
*****************
Dear Leftovers,
Ronnie's Take:
It's very possible. Limited info on the situation.
What do you want out of the relationship at this point? I'll assume because of you asking that you want to stay in the relationship.
Be non-threatening, and act like it's your idea. You feel that you two have become stagnet and want to change up things and bring back the excitement. Ask him for ideas and then you give some ideas. Make it fun Good luck!
--Ronnie
**************
Victor's Take:
It could be.
Have you sat down and communicated your feelings to him, in a emotional stable state of mind? (no whining, complaining, crying, etc.)
If so, what were his answers and do they make sense? I think many women, in attempt to find hope where there is none, overanalyze what guys REALLY say.
Do you listen to what he really says?
People grow apart all of the time, and while in your mind this may seem like the end of the world, it never is. In my experience, I find when one door closes, five open. Not only does adversity make you stronger, but you see the world in a different way.
Sit him down and have the discussion. Don't get up until you have the answers and really listen, don't interpret or overanalyze.
Good luck to you..
--Victor
*************
Eddie's Take:
The freshness of a relationship can sometimes find itself lost after several years. This often happens in marriages-- espectially when we have kids. Try not to nag him about it, since that can actually make things work. Try to understand how much he has going on in life, and, most importantly, just continue to show him what you think he wants. Just please don't nag about it, because it has a counter affect on some guys. In marriage, the 5th year is a tough one. In life, we end up complacent in many things we do. Relationships are no different. If he is over you, then there's nothing you can do. If not, he may just need a little refresher to remind him of what he has.
--Eddie
*************
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