I kissed my gay friend and I liked it

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

First, I'll give you some background information. I am 17, and I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months, we are still in love, but now he is depressed and drinking alot, so we've agreed to not get back together until he sorts himself out. He has promised me that he would not
hook up with any girls, and I promised I would not hook up with any guys. I was at a small party at a friends house the other night, after taking ecstasy. Me and the girl whose house it was were dirty dancing, and then we ended up making out. That was not really a big deal, kissing girls,
whatever, but then we ran outside saying "OMG OMG WE JUST KISSED!!" to a gay, male friend of ours. He jumped up and started yelling "OMG OMG OMG I WANNA KISS YOU!" We kissed, my ex was there, but he didn't care, he thought it was hilarious. We were all really messed up, and he is gay, so I thought nothing of it. Then, later everyone started going to bed. There were about 10 people staying in this 2-bedroom house that night, so we were all sharing beds and sleeping in mattresses on the floor. I ended up sharing a bed with my gay friend, who had come down off the pills completely by this time, and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for quite a while, and then I started giggling and asked him "isn't this weird for you?" and he said "no, not at all." and then kept kissing me. I asked him what was going through his mind-- he said "honestly, a million and one things" I was still a bit high and not tired at all, so I kept on asking "are you still awake? are you still awake?" and he was laying there stroking my hair whispering "even if I fall asleep, I'm still here with you..." I have just been in shock, he is pretty much your stereotypical gay guy, there is NO WAY I could see him ever being into a girl, EVER. What the hell is going on? Also, I feel bad about kissing him. I know the first one was ok with my ex, he just thought it was funny because he was gay, however the kiss in the bed was a LOT different and I feel like I have crossed the line. I kinda want to tell my ex, but I have no idea how he will react, and I am worried that it will ruin my chances with getting back together with him,
but it's killing me to keep it in, I feel extremely guilty. My head is just spinning at the moment, I'm still trying to process what happened aha!

Um, yeah... HELP?

Gay Friend Frencher
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Dear GFF,

Eddie's Take:

Okay, the part when you said you two just happen to end up sharing the same mattress. That is a load of horse crap. You knew what you were doing. If you were only on E, then you still had a functioning state of mind. You liked the kiss, and you knew that it would continue if you shared the same bed with him. I just think that you have to take some ownership in what happened. Unless you combined several drugs, perhaps even taken G, there's no way that you were not in control. Besides, if that were the case, you would have no recollection of what happened-- yet, you do. Sounds like you got caught up in having a good time, now you feel guilty.

What can you do? Your ex knows you kissed the guy, so he is going to deal with one kiss or ten kisses the same way. If he didn't care, then you have a chance.

Finally, this gay guy is apparently not 100% gay. His normal behavior could just be a front, but it sounds like he was into you at the moment. Maybe he is bi-sexual. You need to talk to him to see where his head is with all of this too.

We live, we learn. Hopefully, you learned that adding drugs to the mix doesn't always yield the expected results. Try to be a bit smarter in the future.

--Eddie
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Victor's Take:

Ok, there are a few of issues here.

First, I would tell your ex. I am all about the honesty and besides, living your life in guilt it no way to live. Plus, you crossed the line.

Second, I know gay guys that are still attracted to and occasionally have sex with women. It happens all the time. Additionally, I'm assuming Mr. Gay Guy is around your age (17). He may still be in the midst of exploring his sexuality.

Finally, not to be a major kill joy but - when you are 17, you are going to make poor decisions that you might potentially regret. Add drugs or excessive alcohol use to the mix, and you will DEFINITELY put yourself in positions to make decisions that you can never take back and will regret for the rest of your life. You have a ton of life to live - be careful and try and make responsible choices.

--Victor
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Ronnie:

The effects of "x" will last for many hrs and has clearly been known to even last for days. It was first used as a marriage counseling drug so its draws you closer to the people you are around. I would chalk it up to a drug induced experience. You had no intentions of cheating. You seem to be just getting comfort with a friend. Not a big deal, no need to carry it any farther. "On break" in a relationship is always tough.

--Ronnie
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When will my boyfriend ever propose?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years and 8 months. How can I get him to propose to me?

Wannabe Bride
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Dear Wannabe Bride,

Victor's Take:

You can't.

Thanks for your question.

Really, you could get him to propose, but what are you going to do? "Listen, if we don't get engaged I'm going to break up with you?" Or, "If you don't buy me a ring I'm going to stop sleeping with you?"

Do you really want to coerce a man into marrying you? Should he want to marry you for the right reasons and not because your forced him to?

There is an underlying issue here that you are not sharing. Solve that issue, solve the problem.

I know one thing. I would NEVER want to marry someone that felt like they were forced into it. EVER.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor

Ronnie's Take:

I'm sure you two have talked about the future. If not, do so immediately. Getting engaged isn't everything. How do you feel about each other? Where are your future goals, and when does marriage fit into those plans? Communicate your feelings to get his side. Remember, the first sentence of an uncomfortable situation is the hardest. Practice it and get the communication going.

--Ronnie

Eddie's Take:

I think you should at least be having conversations about your expectations for the future. If you have been together that long, I am sure you have at least discussed the future. Have you told him that you want to be married in the future-- perhaps even by a certain age? Is he in school or doing anything that he wants to finish first? We had a similar question when we first started the site, but the boyfriend wanted to finish college first.

The bottom line here is that you cannot give him an ultimatum. Don't think putting your foot down is going to do anything. When the timing is right, just talk about things. Get him to tell you his plans, which, hopefully, will include you.

Some guys just take a while. I've known people that waited 5 years before proposing. Some guys just ask when they are ready.

Be subtle, but ask him if he sees you two being married in the future. See where that takes you.

Good luck.

--Eddie

Full Figured Women (We need love too!)

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

How does a woman who is overweight, old (46 years of age), single mother of a wonderful 14 year old boy - find a man? All men around my age, don't want a family, don't want someone that is overweight - I can deal with the over weight issue, I can lose the weight, but I can't get rid of my son. I do not do clubs - so I feel I am lost. So seriously, how does a woman that is ready for a relationship (Again) find a man?

BBW
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Dear BBW,

Ronnie's Take:

"All" is way too strong of a word. Their are guys who would be interested in you even with children. You must find a way to increase your sample set. If clubs aren't your thing, that is fine, but they are not going to come knock on your door. Church, children activity places (you meet other single parents with kids), dating sites, work, friends, join a group, active at school functions, playground. Don't give up. There are plenty good guys left. Make sure you are not too picky and make sure you are comfortable single first.

Good Luck

--Ronnie

Victor's Take:

There is a saying in the car business: "There is an ass for every seat."

I don't care if you are 5'2" and 87lbs. or 5'8" 200lbs., there is a guy out there that is going to like you for who you are. I promise you. Will losing the weight help - sure. What it will do is increase your sample set. But, more importantly - you will feel better, both physically and more importantly - mentally. Guys will sense your new confidence. As far as your son goes, when you are in your 40's and dating, just about any man that you run into is going to have children. I don't see the problem there, unless you are purposely seeking out men with no children.

If you don't do clubs, where do you go? What is your social life like? If you don't get on the boat, you can't catch the fish. Also, you have to fish where the fish are. There are 100's of women magazines that have articles every week and month about the best places to pick up men. I suggest picking some up.

From my personal experience, I get a kick out of it when a woman approaches me in the grocery store and asks me what I'm cooking tonight. Just an idea.

Good luck to you.

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

Stop trying. Find a hobby to get into-- something that makes you happy. Learn something totally new. Take a ball room dancing class, guitar lessons, try golf, join a gym for a yoga or Pilate's class. When you do this, you will ignite a new fire inside of you. If you have kids, consider signing the family up for a martial arts class. It will be fun, the kids will get a lot out of it, and you will learn some self-defense, while getting in shape.

All I am saying is that you need to take time to work on you. You'll find that you won't be worried about meeting Mr. Right. You'll just be worried about keeping up with your newly discovered interests. What will you get out of this? A new found confidence, which, by the way, is a very attractive feature in a woman. Guys like to see a woman that knows who she is, as well as one that is happy, confident, and in control of her life.

So, try being a little adventurous. No need to mope around wondering where the guys are. Get out there and live your life. Commit to something, and follow up with us in 3 months to share your success.

You can do it. Just put your mind to it.

--Eddie

My friends are doing too many drugs

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

This one is killing me painfully as I type these very words. I have two friends who I added to myspace a while back. I've been watching over them a lot, I don't know why I do this, it's not really my place to interfere with other peoples lives, I only step in the extreme cases where I have to, but I feel helpless to this . I am very protective over people and I guess compassion is just in my nature and I really want to help them. They are both 18, young girls doing all the things i did when I was their age a few years ago, which scares me. I've seen photos of them clearly high on "e"-- the drug that had me in my death bed when i was 18, and also killed a friend I know personally. They are both beautiful, immature and taking risks and it tears me up inside to see it. Hand on heart, I wouldn't wish my experiences on anyone, I just feel helpless...

Concerned Comrade
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Dear Concerned Comrade,

Ronnie's Take:

Share your experiences, but open up with you're not judging them and enjoy their friendship, but you would like to share your past experiences with them. Give them things to look out for and signs that you know they will see that will trigger bad memories of the drug experience. Something that will make them go whoa this is going bad. Being high can be fun, but at what cost? Many people don't see the cost.You must share with them. You should know what triggers them and how to manipulate them to view things differently. Good Luck!!


--Ronnie

Victor's Take:

All you can do is share with them your stories and tell them how you feel...
As helpless as that feels, that is really all that you can do. Everyone has to live their own lives and make their own decisions - even the bad ones. Sometimes, I see my friends make bad decisions, and I try and counsel and advise them as best I can. Sometimes, they listen, and other times my advice falls on deaf ears.

Another option - you could chose to not speak with them anymore - as a sign that you do not approve of their behavior. But, that is completely up to you.

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

When I was younger, I dabbled into many of the same types of things, and there was nothing anyone could tell me to change. We all go through a stage where we think we have it all figured out. Of course, later on in life, we realize how ignorant we were. At this time, there is nothing you can tell them to make them stop. You can express your feelings to them, but they are at the age where they think they are all grown up. 18 to the early 20's is the age of rebellion. That's when we take it upon ourselves to figure life out. Nothing anyone tells us will change what we want to do. Did you listen to people when you were 18? It probably took a friend's death to open up your eyes. Hopefully, it doesn't go that far with these girls.

All you can do is keep them in your thoughts and prayers. If they value your friendship, maybe you can walk away from them for a while. That may send a signal to them, but I doubt it. I have lived that life, and I was not concerned with the thoughts of my family and friends.

Good luck. I think they'll grow out of it.

--Eddie

She's on the back burner

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have a boyfriend that broke up with me twice, now we´re back together, but I feel like I can´t fall for him. He keeps saying that he likes me very much, but he needs time to do the things that he likes, like video-game, Internet etc. Sometimes his very cute, says that he misses me, he wants to see me and everything, but he told me that he doesn't want to see me every day. He wouldn´t like to spend a week with me and he doesn't want to change anything-- if I can´t handle it, my bad. So, could you explain if that´s normal? He's a geek, never met someone like him, so, what should i do? Keep controlling myself? Not fall in love?

Back Burner
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Dear Back Burner,

Ronnie's Take:

So people are very comfortable single. There's no rule that says you have to have a gf/bf. I was that way for a while. I didn't care, it was my rules or I would just stay single.This does tell you one BIG thing. He's not in love with you. Move on, if he wants you he will compromise some of his likes to meet your needs and vise versa. I did when i found THE ONE.

--Ronnie

Victor's Take:

I have a sneaky suspicion that you speak Portuguese and that English is your second language... I digress...

Look, bottom line:

"He needs time to do things like the Internet and video games."

"He told me he doesn't want to spend time with me every day."

"He doesn't want to spend a week with me and if I don't like it, too bad."

Do I think he is a bad person - no. Do I think he might really care about you - yes. But, clearly you are not high up on his list - you are not that important in his life. He shouldn't be in yours either.

In addition to speaking Portuguese, I'm also going to guess that you are a younger woman. I say it is time to move on and catch some more fish in the sea.

Thanks for your question. I wish you good luck.

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

The bottom line is that he is not ready for committment. If you are, then you need to break it off. There's no way that you can make him be with you. You can tell him that you feel like you two don't spend enough time together, but it sounds like he already answered that question. He sounds like a guy that wants his freedom. I used to be the same way. I never wanted a girl to tie me down at all. Eventually, you meet the one that you want to spend all of your time with.

So, just stop chasing him. Don't jump when he decides he wants to see you. Make him feel like you are not sitting around waiting for him to decide when he wants to see you. After a few times of you telling him you have plans, he'll get the point. Either he will try harder, or he will move on. Either way, it will be a better answer than what you have right now.

--Eddie

Emotional Affairs

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I went through a depression that I would hop in and out of for ten years, almost the length of my marriage. It affected me terribly from not being able to perform (you know what I mean) to not even looking at my spouse. She wasn't the root of the problem, but I would take my frustrations out on her, I ended up talking to other people more than my wife and about things that I should have spoke to with my wife. I never had sex with anybody and the conversations never veered that way, but the emotions simply weren't being passed forward to her. I love my wife, more than I could possibly explain to you and I feel terrible about what I did, I'm trying to turn things around with her but I feel like I always have to explain myself and I still get defensive when my emotional affairs get brought back into "my face." I know what I did was wrong and I want to turn things around.

How can I get things back on track?

Off Track
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Dear Off Track,

Victor's Take:

First and foremost, have you sought out / are currently seeking treatment for your depression? I think that is the most important step and shows your wife that your are 100% committed to making this better. Secondly, have you completely broken off all of your emotional affairs? I would hope so, but the question had to be asked. I'm assuming that when you two fight is when she takes that opportunity to remind you of your past transgressions. Are you fighting about the same thing all of the time, and can those issues be solved?

Lastly, you need to tell your wife (and show her) that you are 100% committed to her, that you are truly sorry for what happened in the past, and are doing everything in your power to fix it. Then you need to tell her that throwing it up in your face whenever you disagree does absolutely nothing to solve the problem, but in fact makes the problem 50 times worse.
Ask her for help in solving this.

If she continues to throw it your face and cannot keep from doing so, couples counseling maybe your next step.

I wish you luck.

--Victor

Ronnie's Take:

Each day is a new day and a fresh start. Share that with her. If she throws your past up, tell her you understand, and you can't fix yesterday-- only tomorrow. She is the most important thing from now on, and you are going to show her. Just ask for that chance. Ask her for help with it, and make it a team effort. You can't make up for the past 10 yrs lost, but you can make the next 10 the best possible. You should continue being understanding, and keep killing her with kindness. Also you should re-examine your love for her if the fact of re-explaining yourself is that bothersome to you. You admittedly threw away 10yrs of the relationship. If I wanted it to work, and was truly in love, re-explaining myself a 1000 times would still be worth it. Why would you get defensive? If I do something wrong I admit each and every time it's thrown back up in my face. I say " I understand your feelings, and yes your right, and how can we FIX it together?" That's the only way. Take ownership, review the reason for the action, make sure it's fixed so it doesn't happen again, communicate this to your spouse, reassure your spouse. It's not personal but a normal human response to throw something back up. Don't take it personal.

--Ronnie

Eddie's Take:

Tell her exactly what you told us. Let her know that you woke up and realized that she is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You made a mistake, and it is natural for a spouse to bring that up. You just have to try to get a commitment from her to put your wrong-doings to sleep.

So, how do you get things back on track? Simply start giving her the attention that, as your wife, she deserves. Do something special for her. Bring the romance back to the relationship. Cook her dinner, burn candles, run her a nice bubble bath, etc. Go back to your courting days with her. Become the man that she fell in love with years ago. You may have to dig deep, but you find him.

Finally, reassure her that you emotional affairs are done. You screwed up, so take the ownership, but let her know that you realize what a fool you were for doing something like that. Overtime, you will earn her trust back.

--Eddie

Was I too hard on him?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I recently broke up with a guy because I felt that my feelings for him weren't going anywhere. He says he loves me and cares about me, but I can't give him the love he wants back because I only like him as a friend. I told him the truth, but I feel really bad for hurting him.... does it mean anything?? Sorry if this sounds stupid, but I just feel really bad.

Just Wondering
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Dear Just Wondering,

Victor's Take:

It means that you are a human being and you have feelings. I'm going out on a limb here and guessing the you around 18 years old, or maybe even a little younger. You are going to break a few more hearts. I want to say that I am seriously impressed and commend you on your honesty. I wish I would have been a little more honest as a younger man.

He will recover and move on eventually. This I promise you.

Focus on school and yourself; guys are going to come and go.

Good luck!

--Victor

Ronnie's Take:

It means you are a nice person with a good heart. None of us would want to disappoint a friend. Doing the right thing is sometimes painful, but you did the right thing.

--Ronnie

Eddie's Take:

In a break-up, there are always feelings that are going to be hurt. It is what it is. You cannot live your life making decisions that will not hurt other people's feelings. If you do that, then you are going to sell yourself short. You can't please everyone. You have to do what is best for you, and just understand that people will have to deal with it. Never force yourself to stay in a situation in an effort to spare someone emotional discomfort. If the shoe were on the other foot, do you think he would be concerned?

If he can't take the friendship, then oh well. You can only offer what you are willing to give him.

Good luck, and keep being honest... it is an admirable trait.

--Eddie

He's a great guy, but not in bed!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,



I am a 29 year old woman who is involved - and almost engaged to - a wonderful man. We have many things in common, and we know how to make each other laugh. I love him honestly and deeply. I can't imagine my life without him. He feels equally as strong about me.

Here's the problem:

Our sex life is horrible. He is very lax and has the attitude "well, if I get it, I get it." I am glad he's not constantly pressuring me to have sex, but I would like very much for him to show SOME interest.

When we do have sex it's always the same position - me on top - and there's never much foreplay. He likes to receive oral sex but REFUSES to give it. It just grosses him out. I can deal with that. But he never tries to make up for it in any way. There's little variety and he just won't ever push the envelope. There have been instances where he has fallen asleep while "taking care of" me.

I have tried COUNTLESS times to make him realize that he needs to show some interest and make the first move once in awhile. I bought one of those little books of "sexy" coupons for him in an attempt to give him the option. I have talked to him many times about it, saying that I need to feel like he can't resist me once in while. And told him he needs to be more vocal about what he wants.

There is no doubt that he finds me sexy and attractive, that is not the issue. But he just always uses the same reasoning - "I don't want you to feel like you have to do it if you are tired or not in the mood." Heaven knows I am not shy and would tell him if I really didn't want to.

I don't remember the last time we did anything intimate. I often think about starting it but then when I realize it's going to be the same thing as always if it does happen, I just get turned off and don't bother.

I am at the point where I usually just "take care of things" myself and get it over with instead of try to do it with him and get frustrated and unsatisfied.

I have even considered cheating, just to fulfill that one desire. Everything else about our relationship is AWESOME. I just need to be fulfilled better in the bedroom.

What can I do to make him realize that once in awhile he needs to just grab me, kiss me, and tell me all the things he wants to do to me, and me to him.

It would make me feel so sexually alive again, instead of bored and annoyed. I have asked, and dropped hints, and come right out and said it. But he just doesn't get it. Please, help before we are torn apart over something this seemingly inconsequential.

-Frustrated

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Dear Frustrated,



Ronnie's Take:



You have done all the logical things with communicating and being aggressive. If you are at the point of giving up, then it's time for drastic measures. When you are in bed together, do some drastic things. Cable has pay per view porn, or you can put in the DVDs. Turn it on and satisfy yourself right on side of him. Trust me this will get the communication to a NEW level. Ignore him and tell him (when he says "what are you doing?") you have communicated your feelings and you understand he is just not into sex and your okay with it. This is your way of compromising. Kill him with kindness that your okay, but make more noise or become wilder when you are getting yourself off. This will have two results. One, he sees the fun and gets turned on and gets involved. Two, he just isn't sexual, and many people just aren't. At least you get off. If the result is answer two, then move to medicine or experiment with situations that arose him. Drinking, morning time, nooners, in the shower together, etc. Try different things and see if any give a better result. If nothing works, have a heart to heart with him telling him the relationship is on the line because of this. Remember the 80-20 rule, does he make you happy 80% of the time? If not, maybe it's time. Life is short and sex is a big part of it. It's more than 20% of my relationship. Last and leastly, many gay men have marriages as fronts, just pay attention if that is a possibility. Gay men make great husbands except in the bedroom.



--Ronnie



Eddie's Take:



Was this guy ever into sex with you? If not, he has a deeper problem with sex in general. If so, he has come a bit complacent, which is not too uncommon. The bedroom zest can sometimes die out after the freshness of a relationship has gone away. To bring that back, you have to take the mundaneness out of act. Try to find out what excites him on. It may not be a sexual thing-- could be Nascar, or some other sport. Say he is into racing... go get yourself a sexy racer girl outfit, and have at it.



He has to be into something. For your sake, I hope it is not anything strange. What would you do if he was into freaky stuff like golden showers or scat?



The caveat here is that some guys do not like to be put on the spot. Sometimes ultimatums backfire, so you may have to be a little cautious on communicating your wants. If you say do it or it is over, then it is destined to be over. Show interest in him, try to fulfill some of his fantasies, and speak through your actions.



Please keep us posted on your progress.



--Eddie



Victor's Take:

The simple answer to your question, "Is a good sex life that important" is - YES.

Your sex life doesn't have to be perfect; it doesn't even have to be great.
But, good - sure. If you were ok with your sex life, the question wouldn't even have been asked in the first place, which tells me that this is a serious issue for you.

First, let me say that I applaud you for trying - it seems as though you have tried just about everything but hit him over the head with a stick.
Communication is good - even when you don't always get the desired results.
Trying different techniques and tactics is also good. But, and here is the key - this has to be a team effort, a two-way street to work. To date, it seems like the effort is one way.

My answers often involve a few things:

1) Communication
2) Solve the underlying problem, solve the issue
3) Honesty
4) Therapy (a third party opinion, if necessary)

This situation is no different. You have communicated, yet no results. Maybe he needs to hear the message differently or from an outside person to get it (therapy).
His behavior is not characteristic of the average human male adult, in my humble opinion. Is there an underlying issue that is not begin addressed?
Something from his childhood or a previous relationship?

Finally, and here is the bad news. You both just might be incompatible sexually. It does happen. Some people do overlook it. If everything else in your life and relationship is close to perfect, maybe the sex is a secondary item that you can compromise on. Compromise is a good thing and it happens all of the time in healthy relationships. For most people, I would argue, a decent sex life is not one of those issues that many will compromise on.

Your words:

Horrible
Refuses Oral
No Foreplay
Show me SOME interest
Never tires
Little variety
Falls asleep
Don't remember the last time
Turned off
Take care of things myself
Considered cheating
He doesn't get it

I would serious reconsider your engagement until this issue is dealt with (professionally, if necessary). If he "feels equally as strongly about me", he needs to work with you on this. Let him know that this is a deal breaker issue...

I wish you nothing but the best.

--Victor

Yuck Mouth

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Yeah..it's the old..I'm asking for a friend..but I really am...her boyfriend of a few months doesn't brush his teeth at night before bed. He drinks a lot of coffee throughout the day & it really turns her off. Worse yet, he snores & breathes in her face during the night. When he doesn't sleep over, she doesn't want to kiss him goodnight..and when he does sleep over, he doesn't always brush them as soon as he wakes up, but wants to kiss her. She did mention it to him once, and he brushed them that night, now he's back to the old not brushing at night routine. I told her I would ask you guys on her behalf. Trust me, if this were MY situation, I would have kicked him to the curb..it's too gross for me. Thanks guys!

Breath Bandit
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Dear BB,

Victor's Take:

The three secrets to a good relationship: communication, communication, and communication!

Early on, this issue should have been addressed and taken care of. She needs to tell him, "Look, I like you a ton and would like to keep you around for a while; this is a very important issue to me and I need you to take care of it immediately. Brush your teeth every night before you go to bed and every morning as soon as you wake up and I promise you this: YOU WILL GET MORE KISSES AND MORE SEX!".... That would work for me. If you are important enough to him, he will do it. Remember though, this is a habit that was developed over years and may not rectify itself over night. Be firm, but patient.

I'll share a secret... if he still refuses and you are willing to put up with it, get him a glass of OJ first thing in the morning. The acids in Orange Juice are proven to kill many of the germs that cause bad breath.
How do I know this? I just do.

Good luck with that bad breath.

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

That is just nasty. I was a Dental Tech in the military, and I saw [smelled] many funky mouths. I brush my teeth 3 to 4 times per day, and floss at least once a day. So, I am not sure what to think about Halitosis Hal. I could understand if her were taking a medication that gave him foul breath, but just not brushing??? It just seems like a reflection of who he is. Does he have other poor hygiene habits? Tell your friend to make sure that she buys him a toothbrush for when he sleeps over. She can also pick up some mouthwash too. Unfortunately, the only way to handle this one is to be candid. She has to be straight up with him. Let him know that unfresh breath is kind of a turn off for you, and tell him that you are not kissing him good night or good morning unless he brushes his teeth. You can hint all you want, but sometimes you have to be blunt with people. I have supervised people with body odor, and that is a difficult thing to discuss with someone. However, if they cannot pick up on the hints, you need to be frank with them.

Good luck on this one.

--Eddie


Ronnie's Take:

Simply give him the power to solve it. I really want to kiss you, hug you, touch you, but I have a weak stomach. I know that doesn't bother a lot of people (not true) but I'm funny about that. How would you solve that my love? If that doesn't work then tell him start brushing or I'm breaking up with you. That would be a deal killer for me. Awwww bad breath

--Ronnie

Feminine Manly Man

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My boyfriend is awesome! He's treats me well, he's handsome, he's funny, and he never fails to make me laugh. There's just one little thing that I can't handle--his feminine side. Guys, I'm a girlie girl, and one reason I fell in love with my fella is for his manliness. He's my Tarzan. Most of the time anyway. Often, when we're on the phone, he'll start using this soft, very passive sounding voice that I loathe. After four years of this I have learned that he does it when he's feeling insecure, which is a lot. So I can't come right out and ask him to stop because that will make him even more insecure. How can I get my Tarzan to ditch the feminine voice??

Jane
*****

Dear Jane,

Ronnie's Take:

You must reward him for his Tarzan behavior. Don't dwell on the feminine stuff. Let him know how much it turns you on when he is showing manly reactions. Blow jobs always motivate me ; ) as a good reward. Communicate with him. Say "I sure do like it when you sound manly"; "It turns me on and makes me soooo proud of you". Remember my 80-20 rule. If he makes you happy 80% of the time then live with the 20. Nobodies perfect and most aren't even 80%.

--Ronnie


Victor's Take:

"He does it when he is feeling insecure." Why does he feel insecure? Solve the underlying issue, solve the problem. You put up with the behavior for 4 years. You probably acquiesced to his needs when he made the voice - gave him what he wanted, felt sorry for him, etc. After 4 years it is going to be a hard habit to break, but not impossible. First, find out why he is insecure, and then attempt to deal with that issue first and foremost. Second, communicate and share with him that he doesn't need to use that voice anymore, that it does bother you, and that you love him no matter what. If you cannot communicate that something bothers you after being with him for four years, then maybe you need to reexamine your relationship. I hope it works out for you.

--Victor


Eddie's Take:

I am quite sure that this problem is not a deal-breaker for the relationship, but I understand how little things can morph into a big problem. (Kind of like Japanese water torture.) At any rate, did he have this problem from the beginning of the relationship? If so, he has probably always been this way. If not, you can work on it.

The key here is his confidence. So, try building him up a little more. And, don't be afraid to actually talk to him about the voice. Ask him if he has ever noticed that his voice really changes when he talks about certain things. He may have no idea at all. Don't tell him it is feminine or wimpy-- just tell them that it is different. Just being made aware of it will result in him paying more attention to it.

Quite often, I have to do public speaking for work, and that was a skill that I had to shape throughout my career. My mentors would point out those idiosyncrasies that distracted people from the message I was trying to convey. Things like saying "um" or pacing back and forth were happening during my speeches without me even realizing it. Once I was made aware of the distractions, I thought about not doing them when I gave my next presentation. If a friend tells you your posture is not good, then you will try to correct it. You can tell him about the voice change without making him feel like he is being attacked. Just open his eyes to it, and let him take care of the rest.

Good Luck!

--Eddie

Ask 3 Guys needs your help

Ronnie Sr. and his wife, Patricia

Unfortunately, today’s message from Ask 3 Guys is one that greatly affects one of the 3 guys, Ronnie. Ronnie’s father, Ronnie Sr., was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma cancer in June of 2005. He has undergone multiple costly treatments at the M.D. Anderson Hospital in Houston, TX. The past three years have been financially painful for him and his wife, Patricia, since the insurance company would not pay for his treatments. They were forced to sell their condo, and have been living with her mother for the past few years. His wife has taken on the role of the breadwinner, and her employer is starting to lose their patience with her sporadic attendance.

In November of 2008, Ronnie received a stem cell transplant, which was rejected by his body only 70 days later. For the past month, he has been in Tulane Hospital’s Cancer Center in New Orleans. Yesterday, the doctor told his wife that he only has 7-10 days to live. He is currently being transported to hospice, where he will spend his final days.

Ronnie’s wife is not financially prepared to take care of his funeral arrangements, and, since Ronnie is an avid horse racing fan, he wanted nothing more than to have his ashes spread on the track at the New Orleans fairgrounds. The family is trying to raise money to pay for cremation and funeral services. His wife, Patricia, is at a loss, and the last thing she needs to worry about over this next week is how to pay for a funeral.

So, Ask 3 Guys is asking for your help. If you could find it in your heart to spare a few dollars, you can help to offset the costs that this family will soon be incurring. Ask 3 Guys already has a donation feature on the website, which is a secure PayPal transaction. Our goal is to raise the entire $4000 needed for cremation and funeral services.

Please visit http://www.ask3guys.com/ to donate today.

Ask 3 Guys thanks you in advance for your help.

Sincerely,

Ask 3 Guys

My husband just will not let go

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hey guys! I hope you can help me. I have been married to my husband for almost 9 yrs. I love him dearly. We were married for 3 yrs. and I cheated on him. I thought we worked threw it and he forgave me. We used to take trips to his best friend's house, and his best friend would flirt with me and try to get me to have sex with him. I didn't tell my husband for a long time, and one night I got drunk and told my husband about his friend coming on to me. Ever since then my husband is not talking to his friend, and when he gets drunk he tells me what a slut I am and that he thinks I slept with his friend. I didn't sleep with his friend, and he also blames me for them not talking anymore. I regret telling him about it. I am tired of him accusing me of stuff I didn't do and I want it to stop. I feel like he is mental abusing me. I can't stand it anymore. What should I do??????

Scolded Spouse
*****************

Dear Scolded,

Ronnie's Take:

Communication with him is Paramount. Give him the power. Ask him what does he think you should have done with his friend. Ask him if he thinks a true friend would have been hitting on you. Explain that he is conditioning you not to tell him things. Ask him is that what he wants? You must ask him if he wants this relationship to work? Does he think name calling will help him out? At some point things can be unfixable. Being cheated on can leave a huge self-confidence issue for the person that was cheated on. You can only do so much. Something has to come from him. Challenge him with that. You love him, you want it to work, you were wrong, you are willing to do whatever it takes to help but what is he going to do?

Lastly 80-20 rule Does he make you happy 80% of the time? if so then work on it, if not it's time.

--Ronnie


Victor's Take:

Your husband is still not over the infidelity, even though he says he is. I would recommend a martial counselor / couple counseling - immediately. That is the only way that I can see to rectify this situation. I got a ton out of therapy, even though it didn't save my marriage. I learned a ton about myself and I am 10 times happier than I have ever been in my life.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor


Eddie's Take:

I am sure that knowing you cheated on him was a tough pill to swallow. For a spouse, that is the worst form of betrayal. If you guys agreed to stay together, I would expect that you would have to eat crow for a while. As far as his friend goes, you should have told him as soon as it happened. Unfortunately, when things like that happen, the husband is always that last person to know.

So, for your current dilemma, I suggest that you talk to your husband to let him know your feelings about the marriage. If you guys have agreed to work it out, then there has to be some rules set in place to mitigate that type of behavior. It is really black and white. If he can't get past your infidelity, then how can he give you all of his heart. Often, I tell my wife this-- either you are down with me or not. There's no in between. So, give him an ultimatum. "If you have forgiven me, and you want to be with me, then you have to promise that you are not going to revisit what happened. Let's agree to close the chapter and move on together."

Hope this helps.

--Eddie

My boyfriend is jealous of my friend

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am 44 and my boyfriend is 29, we get along great except for one thing. My best friend is a guy that I have worked with for over 10 years, and I have only been with my boyfriend for 6 months. He claims not to be jealous, but I think he is. How do I convince him that I am not interested in my best friend/co worker? The 3 of us go out a lot together and he sees how we are with each other (friends only) What do I do???

Trying to Please
**************

Dear Trying to Please,

Ronnie's Take:

He's insecure and jealous-- two bad signs. I would give him one last option. Reiterate your feelings towards your work friend. If you had anything going on with him you wouldn't be dating somebody else. Tell him you want to keep that friendship, and make him feel comfortable with it and secure with the relationship you have. Ask him what would he like you to do so he knows nothing is going on. You could be an open book and allow him to read your texts or emails anytime and give him the password. That's a lot of work, but does work if you want it to work out. If your not that open, it's time to move on

--Ronnie

Victor's Take

You cannot convince him, nor frankly is it your job to (man am I going to catch some heat for that - the truth hurts). Although it is true that jealousy can come from past behavior, I'm going to assume that you are being truthful in this venue and have not done anything that would give your boyfriend the idea that you have crossed the line. Most of the time, jealous behavior has roots that stem from insecurity, self esteem, self confidence issues. My guess is, that during the dating / courting phase you may have seen some of these signs but chose to ignore them. You probably thought you could fix him or him - himself. Wrong.

You are including your boyfriend in your time with your friend and he sees that you are just friends. What more can you do? Nothing.

You have three choices: One, live with the behavior (jealousy) and deal with it; maybe it is not that bad and is tolerable, although it will get worse.

Two, tell your best friend of 10 years to take a hike.

Three, break up with the boyfriend so that he can get himself and his shit together. For me, this is a NO BRAINER of a decision. I'll take option #3 please.

I wish you good luck.

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

Here's what I think. There may be things that you say about the friend that make your boyfriend feel like he is not number one on your list. A man does not want to be outdone by another guy in the eyes of his girl. You may not even be aware of this, but you may talk about how good your friend is at this, or how he can do that. Your boyfriend could be a little intimidated if he is weaker in those areas. You probably love your friend dearly, and I am sure you talk about him a lot. So, maybe you can tone it down a little. Make your man feel like he is the top priority. If you and the friend are really close, you may talk to him more like one of your girlfriends. This level of intimacy probably makes your boyfriend feel a little left out. If that is the case, just try to be considerate of your behavior when you boyfriend is around. Understand that your friend is a man, and, sometimes, your behavior towards him could possibly be misconstrued by your boyfriend.

So, just fill your boyfriend's bucket a bit more. Remind him that he is number one-- not just by telling him, but with your actions.

Good Luck!

--Eddie

How to turn a guy off...

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

How do you get a guy to not want to have sex with you after the first date, but wait until the 3rd date. What can I do to turn a guy off and not want to sleep with me after the first date? It happens all the time! (I know, the things I am complaining about, woe is me, LOL!)

Taking it Slow
**************

Dear Taking it Slow,

Ronnie's Take:

Say it with your words and action. Nothing more than light kissing. He slips a hand, you say "what kind of girl do you think I am?" It's easy to communicate-- yes, I'm interested, but no chance at sex yet with words and body language. Lastly get used to it. We are dogs, and we want sex 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and so on dates. Not really much slows that down without being gross and losing a 2nd date chance.

--Ronnie

Victor's Take:

For most men - if you are giving, we are taking.

Thanks for your question.

Seriously, set some standards, be honest, and communicate. I never got upset with any woman I was on a date with (and I have been on a few) that said, "I don't kiss on the first date" or "It takes me a while to be intimate with someone". I was always ok with all of those answers and still am.

If every guy you date just wants to get in your pants on the first date, and that is their primary goal, I have a comment and a question for you:

1) Are you projecting that energy? (Hey, I want to have sex immediately). If you are and that's what you want / makes you happy, I'm completely ok with that and not judging. But, based on your question I think you are ready for a different direction.

2) Where are you meeting these guys that all want to have sex on the first date? Find a different place.

It's always ok to say no...

Good luck!

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

Your solution is simple. Avoid allowing the date to get into a situation that could set or suggest a theme for sex. This means, don't invite the guy back to your place after the date. If you end up in bed, even if it is just to "watch a movie", a guy is going to have other things on his mind. It is just in our nature. This is no different than someone that is trying to get off of drugs. Don't put yourself in a situation where there are drugs. If you avoid the situation, then you will not be tempted to give in.

So, talk to the guys to let them know you don't like to be intimate until you get to know someone. If you welcome them into your bedroom on the first or second date, or if you go into theirs, then you might as well show up in lingerie. If you are ready, then take it to that level. In the mean time, just keep the dates simple, and don't allow yourself to get in an alone, vulnerable situation.

I think you can do this.

--Eddie

What to buy for Valentine's Day?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What do men really want as a gift from their wife/girlfriend for Valentine's Day?

Clueless
*******

Dear Clueless,

Victor's Take:

Some of the best gifts I ever got for Valentine's Day were the simple thoughtful ones. I know, it sounds likes the ultimate cliché but it is absolutely true in my case. I still have handmade cards, pictures, letters that I will never let go of and will treasure forever. One year, a woman that I was dating sent me a Bird of Paradise (my favorite) flower arrangement to my work. Not only did it catch me off guard, I also really enjoyed it.

You probably have a good idea of what your husband/boyfriend is really interested in. Golf, LSU football, cigars... gift certificates sound less thoughtful, but again I think men believe the opposite. A $50 gift certificate to Tinderbox would make my day.

Finally, if I got home from work and my favorite wine was open, with my favorite meal on the table, and you were wearing nothing but a sexy piece of lingerie... I'm coming home with flowers once a month for the next 12 months and I'm not going to forget to take out the garbage ever again.

But that's just me.

According to About.com, the Top 8 for men gift ideas for Valentine's Day:

1) I Pod
2) Quality watch (this I would love, I'm a watch fanatic)
3) Digital Camcorder
4) Universal Remote
5) Power Towels
6) LCD/Plasma TV
7) New Wallet (every guy needs one)
8) Gift certificate to his favorite store

I hope this helps!

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

I heard an awesome idea just the other day. It's a Beer of the Month club. What guy wouldn't think this was the coolest gift. He will actually receive a new beer each month for the entire year. Visit http://www.beermonthclub.com/ to check it out. You can order by phone or over the internet. This is definitely a non-cliche gift.

Here's a few more ideas:

-Cologne is always a good choice. Here's a few top sellers: Acqua Di Gio by Giorgio Armani, Ed Hardy by Christian Audigie, Cool Water for men by Davidoff, Paul Sebastian for men by Paul Sebastian, Curve by Liz Claiborne, and Angel Men by Thierry Mugler. I haven't tried all of these, but, first, make sure you know what type of cologne prefers (soft scent, clean scent, musky, etc.), then you can narrow down your choices. Or, perhaps, he already has a favorite.

-Gadgets are always cool. I just bought a Logitech universal remote, and I love it. My wife doesn't quite understand the fascination, but it is really cool to me. Maybe an iPod, or a new game for his PS3...

-Or, buy him something that he can use for one of his hobbies. If he likes hunting or fishing, get him a gift card to Cabella's. If he plays golf, get him a new glove, some balls, and some tees. Just try to find out what kind of balls he has. (You may have to look in his golf bag.)

Hope this helps.

--Eddie

Guys are just not interested in me!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hi there. I just need general help on maybe the most basic of all human instincts. I'm almost 20 now, and I've still not yet had a boyfriend, only rejections. I'm beginning to think that there's no one out there whom I like who likes ME back. I'm not exactly the slimmest spoon in the pack, but I'm not exactly huge either. I've only asked out 2 guys in the past 5 or so years, and they've both said no. One even went that far as to tell me that I was too fat and too ugly for him.

Anyway, another question would be that.. one guy I'm hoping to meet someday, how would I get his attention and look different than other women he's met and actually make an impact and keep him on his mind and maybe potentially get his number?

Companionless
****************

Dear Companionless,

Ronnie's Take:

Well, you are still young and finding yourself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing each day and expecting a different result. I can't tell you what it is. I have never seen you interact. Ask a friend for a true evaluation. Ask them "what do you think I could do differently to be more attractive?" That's hard for most friends to be honest, but you must lead them by promising you won't be mad. You mustn't argue, no matter what the answer is. Listen to what they (get more than 1 opinion) say. Guys like a girl that smiles and has a fun personality. Don't talk too much. Next time you're interested in a guy try saying "why don't you ever call me?" It gives you a little flexibility. Physical attraction is important at the beginning. Try something different-- IT CAN'T HURT. New hairstyle, lose weight, different types of shirts etc.

--Ronnie


Eddie's Take:

First of all, don't throw yourself a pity party. Remember, I am the analytical guy, and when you say you did something twice in 5 years, it means nothing at all to me. You cannot make any predictions, because your data set is entirely too small. Meeting people is very similar to being in sales. In a previous life, I was a door-to-door salesman (I know... what a job). In our morning pep talks, the boss would always talk about the law of averages. He would convince us that we would sell up to 10% of the people that we pitched, so we could make more money if we saw more people. When someone told me "no", I knew I was that much closer to the next sale.

Next, don't worry about figuring out how to get every guy you like to be into you. I know guys that do that, and they are okay with the rejection. I had a friend that asked out every girl he met. I couldn't believe how much rejection he encountered, but it never phased him.

The best thing that you can do is become strong and independent. Don't think you need a man to make you. Figure out what makes you happy as a person, then just get out there and live your life. In the process, you are going to meet people, make friends, and, eventually, start dating. Try taking a Pilate's class or a yoga class. This will be something good for your health, plus it will give you an opportunity to make friends. The more people you are around the better. Just focus on being yourself, and if you project a positive self-image, then you will become much more attractive.

Best of luck. Keep us posted on your progress.

--Eddie


Victor's Take

Before I answer your question, I want to share a little bit of my experience with you.

I didn't kiss my first girl until I was 15 years old. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19, almost 20. In grammar school and most of high school, I was a shy quiet kid who was deathly afraid of approaching a girl.
I didn't really come out of my shell until I was about 25, and even then I still had work to do. The big light switch didn't go off for me until I was almost 34...

I'm not saying you are going to have to wait until you are 25 or 34. I want you to relax and just be yourself. I promise you, someone is going to notice. There is a saying in the car business - "There is an ass for every seat". People are the same way.

I promise you there are guys out there that are currently interested in you or will be interested in you in the near future. Keep your eyes, ears and brain open to new possibilities. Don't try hard - just be yourself. Guys can sense when you are pressing. Continue to work on yourself and your mental and physical health, and everything else will take care of itself.

I sense that because you were told no twice in the last 5 years, that has negatively affected you psyche. I get told no twice a week! Just remember, most of the time a no is not personal and you shouldn't take it that way.
The person maybe involved already. Or, the person may not be dating for whatever reason at that time. Don't take it personal. Say, "no problem".
Turn around, don't look back, and move on to the next one.

Be sure to keep a look out for the "10 things every women should know"... it will be coming soon on the A3G site.

Good luck!

--Victor

Foul-Mouthed Women

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My first question for the 3 Guys is really just about something that has been driving me crazy lately – dare I say even becoming a pet peeve of mine…

So here goes…

“What do guys really think about foul-mouthed women?”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am so not above a cuss word here and there - be it spilled coffee, a little road rage, or even sometimes just for effect.

But, what I am talking about is these women/girls whose filth just falls from their mouths so frequently that you end up just getting used to it. Sometimes it’s just cussing – crassness, but then sometimes it’s just out and out vulgar.

Am I being oversensitive? Am I (ha!) being a prude? I don’t think so, I’m just tired of listening to women/girls who wear three size too small “Porn Star” stretched to the max t-shirts saying things that would make a sailor blush.

So, back to the question: “What do guys really think about foul mouthed women?”

Thanks,

FCC
*****

Dear FCC,

Eddie's Take:

My stance is that you have a perfectly valid point. I am surely not beyond using foul language; however, there is a time and place for it. A woman with a disgusting mouth = total turn off. I don't care how hot she is... if she has to drop a half-dozen F-bombs to say she's going to get a cup of coffee, then she is not someone that would be in my company for long. I was in a Navy, but I have to draw the line somewhere. The biggest problem I have is these young mothers that publicly curse their children like animals.

So, let's set some upper and lower specification limits for the degree of allowable vulgarity...

1. I'm so glad we came to this concert. The Eagles are f*ckin awesome.
2. That motherf*cker just took my motherf*ckin parking spot.
3. This old b*tch knows she can walk faster. I should kick her in her stinky ass.
4. My car was stolen. Man, that is f*cked up.
5. F*ck that sh*t. You don't have to pay no motherf*ckin taxes.


These are just a few examples. I'm okay with 1 and 4. I would probably say 3, but it would be uncouth for a woman. Of course, 2 and 5 are off the chart.

My point is that we don't live in PG-13 world, but some people think we live in XXX world. The bottom line is that it screams "I AM NOT CLASSY" when every third word used is a curse word.

--Eddie

Ronnie's Take:

It's just a personal thing, and each guy will feel differently. I was raised to respect a lady, and I look at a foul mouth girl as cheezie. Most guys that are ok with nasty mouth girls are usually the kind I don't want dating my daughter.

--Ronnie


Victor's Take:

This is one of those instances where you pretty much answered your own question - it is all about the context.

There are just simply times in life where nothing is going to get the job done like a good dropped F-bomb. There are other times where, foul language is completely inappropriate. My take - if you are walking around all of the time cussing like a drunken sailor, then you are probably going to be a turn off to me. There are times and places for dirty talk :)

As far as the tight t-shirts go with the "inappropriate" sayings... it is a current fashion trend that in time, will find it's place to wither on the vine and die. Until then, you are going to have to put the blinders on every now and then.

No, you are not a prude.

The thing I think about when I am around a foul mouthed woman (women that incisively curse where it makes me feel uncomfortable - and that is hard to
do) is a lack of intelligence and class. That's what crosses my mind, but I always consider the person, the environment, etc. It is completely a body of work - it always is (life is rarely in black and white) and I try not to be judgmental.

Thanks for your question.

--Victor

Public Breastfeeding (What do men think about it?)

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hi guys! Fun idea for a website, came across you on twitter. This is a question I ask myself often while out in public, but have no one appropriate to ask. I have breastfed my son for 6 months, and will continue to do so until he reaches 12 months, as that is what the pediatrician recommends. I am a cute mom, and I always wonder what guys are thinking when they figure out what I am doing under the cape I wear to cover him. Facial expressions go from disgust, and turn away quickly never to glance my way again, to an almost fascination and continued long glances that creep me out. What are your thoughts when you see a breastfeeding mom in public?

Blase' Breastfeeder
********************

Dear Blase'

Victor's Take:

I think every guy is going to have a different opinion about this one. One thing I can tell you without hesitation: I never once associated breastfeeding with anything sexual nor would I ever gawk at a woman that was breastfeeding her child. My natural inclination is to always look away. I don't have any problem with it at all, and I wish more women did breastfeed-- as numerous studies have shown that it is just flat out better for the child. My natural reaction to look away is based upon the woman - maybe she is just a tad uneasy on some level or maybe she is a very private person. I don't know, I'm not a mind reader, but I will always air on the side of respect and dignity. That's what goes through my mind, and I want to respect her and her wishes in every way that I can. For the record, if I think you are cute, I'll pay you some attention after you are done meeting the needs of your child.

I hope this answer helps.

I wish you and your son all the best!

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

Some guys have a saying about breasts...("You know what they say about boobs... you seen one pair, you want to see the rest of them..."). Those would be the ones that continue to peep after they realize what is going on under the cape. For the rest of us (i.e. the gentlemen), it is only appropriate to look away. However, from my experience it is always a bit of a surprise to see women that are just so casual with breastfeeding. In a church I used to attend, there was a woman that would pop a boob out faster than a gunslinger. I thought it was odd, especially because the church had a nursing room, and she was not discrete at all.

As far as your case goes, you have to be willing to deal with the idiots in this world. Having a child is a beautiful thing, and you are doing your job as a mother to provide your baby with the nourishment that it needs. The caveat is that some men are going to be turned on by the thought of an exposed breast in public. I don't think the actual milking process is what they are hoping to see-- just the vehicle used to deliver it.

So, if that bothers you, perhaps you can try to be a bit more discrete. If not, know that it comes with the territory. Just be careful... there are so many weirdos out there.

At least we know the little one will have strong bones... lol.


--Eddie

Ronnie's Take:

I turn away rapidly. I like boobs, but think it is disrespectful and inappropriate during nursing to think sexual thoughts. It's uncomfortable for me, but I think each guy handles it in their own way.

--Ronnie

He still talks to me in my sleep...

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

A friend of mine, who might I add was intimate with in my
teen years, committed suicide a little over a year ago. He had been diagnosed
bipolar a few days before hanging himself. The night that he hung himself, my
husband and I were riding around and passed by his house, and I said I wish
he was outside so we could stop and hang out with him for awhile. My husband
was also friends with him. We knew his parents didn't like people knocking on
the door after a certain time, so that's why we didn't get out and knock on the
door. We found out later that he hung himself at approximately the same time we were
passing by. The night after he killed himself, I woke up and saw him standing
in the corner of my bedroom. Since then I've had dreams about him. Sometimes
he's just there and doesn't say anything. Other times we have a conversation
on the phone, and sometimes he's there and we talk face to face. The funny
thing is that I'm not thinking about him throughout the day or when I'm going
to sleep. What is your take on all of this and the meaning?

Paranormal Pal
**************

Dear Paranormal Pal,

Victor's Take:

Clearly not a subject that I am an expert on, but I'm going to take a stab at it for you.

I'll bet there is something that you really wanted to tell him or something you were meaning to say to him for years but didn't. Maybe something that was unresolved between the two of you, like a specific problem or issue that you really wanted to discuss but never got the chance to.

You may not think of him during the day or before bed, but you would be amazed at the control that the subconscious mind has over the unconscious brain.

I don't have any idea of your religious beliefs; I have recently been questioning my own. But, if it was me and I had something to say, I would tell him. Take a ride to his grave (if possible) and get it off your chest.

I talk to my deceased father every now and then at his grave, and I walk away 90% of the time feeling a little better.

Also, you might want to invest a few bucks in a dream interpretation book.
There are some really good ones out there and you might find closure there as well.

Lastly, I'm sorry for the lost of your friend. Mental disease and illness take the lives of far too many people every year. For a modernized world, it is unacceptable.

I hope this helps.

--Victor

Eddie's Take

It is not uncommon for us to hold on to things like this. Closure is the main ingredient. Not having one last conversation with him is weighing entirely too heavy on your shoulders. I have never been visited by the departed, but I have had dreams of hanging out with a deceased friend. Sometimes, when we want to see something, we can. Are you a believer in paranormal activity? Honestly, I have never witnessed anything close to it; however, friends and family have shared their stories with me.

I did a bit of research on this; however, there are so many different answers, you may want to look into it. You can google a few things, such as "getting rid of ghosts" or "visits from the recently deceased". Most of the stories I read online tied this into dreams. Do the visits take place when you are sleeping? If so, it may just be a dream that seems very real.

The best thing that you can do is give him the closure that he may be looking for. Just talk to him... it is worth a shot.

--Eddie

Ronnie's Take:

Our brain and imagination are very powerful. I think, subconsciously, you felt a supposed connection because of the timing of his death and you passing his house. I don't completely rule out the supernatural, but I believe this mere coincidence that you have latched on to. Let it go. Try on your own first. If that fails, get professional help. It should fade away with time

--Ronnie

Sex While Sleeping

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have a friend whose husband was caught having sex with her while she was asleep. It even involved sex toys. He says he doesn't remember doing anything, and he has no idea how the dildo got out of the draw.

My question to you is how do guys have sex in their sleep?

How did the dildo get out of the dresser to become involved?

How does someone who has sex not remember doing so or how toys were involved?
Please explain that to me because it seems kind of strange that his penis ended up inside of her and her toy was out and being used, and he doesn't remember any of that.

Yours Truly

Counting Sheep
**************

Dear Counting Sheep,

Ronnie's Take:

Sleep disorders come in many forms. The good news is you can test for them. Sleep disorders like sleep walking are very dangerous and should get immediate medical treatment. How many times as this happened? What would he gain from faking it? I would assume unless drugs or alcohol are involved, a woman can't sleep through sex. He would know this.

Sleepsex: A newly-discovered sleep

"It is likely that this sort of thing has been going on for as long as people have been bedding down next to one another. Akin to any number of private sexual oddities, the likes of which nowadays ultimately become communal knowledge, sexual behavior during sleep (SBS), or to use the more convenient neologisms sleepsex; or sleep sex (the jury is still out on what exactly to call it) has remained hidden--unspoken of--until now. "

"Recently, sleepsex has proven to be a popular topic for magazine articles "Her Boyfriend Did a Shocking Thing in His Sleep. Could Yours?", (Cosmopolitan, 1/02) and television news shows UPN 13, Los Angeles, broadcast February 14, 2002). A new Stanford-based scientific study on the treatment of violent sleepsex released to the press on March 26th has generated additional media interest and hopefully has advanced awareness of this unusual sleep problem. "(www.sleepsex.org/text/newstudy.html )

"Where can people with sleepsex experiences find information and support?
Until only recently, information about sleepsex had been very difficult to find. Now a query of most any popular Web search engine yields more links to information than ever before. The Web site (www.sleepsex.org ) was established in April 2000 to provide information about, and a forum for the discussion of, sleepsex. A newsletter that provides monthly updates on research and issues surrounding sexual behavior during sleep was recently added to this site. Forums accessible on the popular sleep site (www.sleepnet.com ) also have a substantial number of threads concerning sleepsex. Lastly, persons troubled by sleepsex should seek information from healthcare providers with knowledge of the problem, and support can (hopefully) always be found by confiding in trusted and caring family members and friends."

References:
Alves, R., Aloe, F. Tavares, S. (1999). Sexual behavior in sleep, sleepwalking, and possible REM behavior disorder: A case report. Sleep Research Online 2(3). 71-72. Available: www.sro.org/pdf/2558.pdf

Rosenfeld, D. S., Elhajjar, A. J. (1998). Sleepsex: A variant of sleepwalking. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 27(3), 269-278.

Shapiro, C.M., Fedoroff, J.P., Trajanovic, N.N. (1996). Sexual behavior in sleep: A newly described parasomnia. Sleep Research, 25, 367.

Source: Michael Mangan, Ph.D, www.sleepsex.org/text/bio.html

--Ronnie

Victor's Take:

On the surface, this looks very odd to say the least. There are, however, a number of possible explanations for this behavior.

Here are three: sleep medications, sleep disorders, and psychological disorders.

There are numerous reported cases of weird behavior - sleep walking, sleep driving, sleep eating, etc. on sleep medications like Ambien.

There are many sleep disorders that could account for atypical sexual behavior.

Lastly, there could be underlying psychological issues that are causing this behavior although in the research that I saw, the behavior was to one's self (masturbation) most of the time.

I would recommend immediate medical attention. He needs to have tests done which may include sending him to a sleep center, change his medication, etc.

If that does not solve the issue, then he should seek the counsel of a mental health professional.

I hope this helps.

--Victor

Eddie's Take:

I can say that I have woken up very horny in the middle of the night, which resulted in fondling my wife while she was asleep. I have actually gone down on her while she was sleeping. However, I was wide awake, and, if I must say, she enjoyed the pleasant wake-up call. It just seems hard to fathom that this guy was totally oblivious to the entire act. However, I am no expert on sleep disorders. I've had the occasionally sleep walking episode as a child, which ended with me attempting to urinate on my mother's stereo. Apparently, this behavior is pretty common among children...

"Approximately 15% of children between 4-12 years of age will experience sleepwalking. Generally sleepwalking behaviors are resolved by late adolescence; however, approximately 10% of all sleepwalkers begin their behavior as teens." (eMedicine Health)

"There are five stages of sleep. Stages 1, 2, 3, and 4 are characterized as non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep. REM (rapid eye movement) sleep is the sleep cycle associated with dreaming as well as surges of important hormones essential for proper growth and metabolism. Each sleep cycle (stages 1,2,3,4, and REM) lasts about 90-100 minutes and repeats throughout the night. Thus the average person experiences 4-5 complete sleep cycles per night. Sleepwalking characteristically occurs during the first or second sleep cycle during stages 3 and 4. Due to the short time frame involved, sleepwalking tends not to occur during naps. Upon waking, the sleepwalker has no memory of his behaviors. " (eMedicine Health)

Note the last sentence-- they have no memory of their behaviors.

Could the same be true for sleep sex? Could be... Will have to research this more.

It is obvious that men can be aroused during their sleep, which, in the most extreme case, is following by a nocturnal emission (wet dream). So, could have this guy been in a state of lucidity? I am going to say that it is definitely plausible. (just strange)

--Eddie