Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I have an itch and an odor downstairs, and I have been using the Go Girl product. Do you think it is the cause of my problem? At this point, any information is helpful and needed urgently. I can't take the smell! Do you think others can smell it too?
Please help!
--Go Girl
*******************
Okay everyone,
Befor we answer the question, we want to make sure that everyone understands what the Go Girl product is. Of course, we had to research this one, and we were definitely surprised. Why would a woman need this anyway?
Here's some information from the Go Girl website:
Ok, so what’s a GoGirl?
Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to urinate while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic.GoGirl is easy to use. Just lower your panties, and put GoGirl against your body, forming a seal. Aim and, well, pee. Pretty simple, huh?
GoGirl fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment. It’s a must for travel and sports. And it’s great for everyday––no more crouching over or trying to cover up an unsanitary public toilet.
While the concept may be new to you, European women have used female urination devices for years. GoGirl’s not the first device of its kind. But try it. And we think you’ll agree it’s easily the best.
Only GoGirl is made with flexible, medical grade silicone. Dispose of it after use. Or clean and reuse as you like. (Urine is sterile, but the product can come into contact with contaminates during use, so take precautions when cleaning.) Our patented splash guard eliminates messing and spilling. Once you practice a time or two, using a GoGirl is going to feel like second nature. You won’t be like a man. You’ll just pee like one;">**************************************************
Dear Go Girl,
Victor's Take:
I had to look up the GO GIRL product online, I tell you... who knew?
No, this is not the cause of your problem. You need to see a gynecologist immediately.
My best friend who is a nurse thinks you might have a case of bacterial vaginosis. This is an infection that occurs when the good bacteria is overcome by the bad bacteria. It can cause odor, discharge, frequent urination, etc. and can be resolved with a prescription vaginal cream that will be given by a doctor. Your doctor will give you a test to determine if this is your issue.
Go to the doctor!
Good luck,
--V
************
Ronnie's Take:
I don't know of a direct corelation between the two, and I can't find any with some research. I would stop using it and see if the smell and itch go away. First and foremost though, see a doctor. It could be dangerous and will definitely ruin your sex life.
--Ronnie
**************
Eddie's Take:
Yes others can smell it. If you can smell it, they can smell it. I, honestly, had no clue what the Go Girl was, and I was blown away when I went to the website. Is it that important to pee standing up? Do you actually carry this thing in your purse when you go out. My obvious take on this is that the device is dirty. I don't know what kind of cleaning rituals you have, but any left over urine, or germs in general, can result in the growth of bacteria. Then, you are using this thing over and over again. Hello-- that is just foul.
So, be like the rest of the women, and learn to hover. Or, go places where they have cleaner restrooms.
No one likes it when someone's special place is smelly, so take care of it. See a doctor, because you probably have something going on in there that requires their expertise.
Adios!
--Eddie
**************
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Student-Teacher Affairs
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I am a 21 year old college student, and I may be having an affair with my professor. It started when I saw him in the local coffee shop and asked what kind of format his exams were in (multiple choice, essay, etc.). He said he had some old exams in his office from the previous semester to help me prepare. So the following day, I went to his office, we began chatting about trivial things, like my major and college life. He is only 28 years old, single and fresh out of graduate school; we had a lot in common. Soon, we began regular study sessions at the local coffee shop (other students were included most of the time). Recently, I began spending more and more time at his apartment-- just watching tv, cooking dinner, studying, and sometimes I fell asleep there.
My college strongly discourages student-teacher relationships, but has not adopted a policy to prevent it.
I'm not receiving any favors. We definitely have established a separation between our school relationship and personal relationship. I didn't do so well on his first test, and that just made him want to help me more. The age difference is only about seven years. I have friends with much bigger age gaps between their partners. He will only be my professor until the end of December. Should we stop seeing each other until I pass his class?
Part of me says I should end this. But the other part of me says I have never met a man that has made me feel so good. He tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent. My last boyfriend never went to college and truly wasn't that smart. So it's nice to have an intelligent conversation with someone you like.
I have only been seeing him for about six weeks. There has been no sexual advances (He refuses to even kiss me until I let him know I am ready for that next step). He constantly tells me that if I ever feel uncomfortable, we can stop hanging out. But, I never do. We end every night together with a hug and a kiss on the cheek or forehead.
The attraction I have to him just gets bigger and bigger every time I see him. I really don't want it to stop.
--Teacher's Pet
*****************
Here's what the Guys think:
Dear T.P.,
Victor's Take:
I know I might catch some flak for this answer, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. Nothing. If I were in the same position, I would absolutely go for it.
I think you need to tread lightly and watch your boundaries - keep school and your personal time separate (no different than an office romance), but I say - go for it. It is hard enough in the world to find someone you click with, and have that true deep connection. Also, it sounds as if you have a very mature way of thinking about this situation and are handling it perfectly.
I say - keep on keeping on. Be careful, respect each other's space, keep school time and personal time separate... and have fun.
Life is too short....
--V
********
Ronnie's Take:
You both seem mature enough to handle this. One college course out of your life time shouldn't hold back a relationship with such great potential. In the big picture, neither of you have ill intent for the relationship, and, come December, it will be no issue anyway. No big deal here.
--Ronnie
**************
Eddie's Take:
First, I really never understood how someone under 30 even qualifies to be a college professor. Nothing against this guy, but he has plenty of life experience to gain. If I were Dean for a day, I don't even think I would consider hiring someone that would be too close to the same generation as the students. It sort of leaves too much of an opportunity for-- well, you did ask this question, right?
So, to your question-- do what you have to do. So far, both of you have handled this in an extremely mature fashion. However, the school would frown upon you hanging out at his apartment just as much as they would if you were having relations. The line has already been crossed, and he is the one that has much more at stake here.
The best thing to do is to walk on eggshells if you want to continue to hang out, but it would be best to hit the pause button until you finish his class. You don't want to get yourself into a "no pussy-- no pass" situation.
All in all, it sounds like you met a decent guy, and the age difference is not even a concern for me. Focus on your studies, pass his class, and rock his world for Christmas!
--Eddie
****************
************************************************************************
It's that time again! Here's our Special Guest for this week!
Saishokukenbi is one of our dear Myspace friends, and she is an top supporter of Ask 3 Guys. So, today, we offer a woman's perspective!
**************************************************************************
Saishokukenbi's Take:
Actually, I can answer this one from personal experience. My father was my mother's accounting professor in college. He was far older than her. Their relationship, as I'm told, did not commence until after she had graduated, but, even so apparently, some cast aspersions when the relationship became known. Sometimes, it's not so much whether there is wrongdoing, but that there is the appearance thereof. Just because there is no rule prohibiting it, doesn't mean there aren't real ethical considerations that could cost him his job, or her the chance at her education. There is nothing to say they can't date AFTER the semester is over. Better yet, perhaps she should just drop the class and take it under a different professor in a later semester. The reason this is probably the best solution is that, if she gets an "A" or any decent grade in the class, no one will ever believe she earned it. Is she prepared to live with that? Also, is what they have strong enough to survive the type of backlash that might follow? A lot of relationships aren't. And, last but not least, if this relationship is worth having, then it is worth taking the time to do it right. Why chance losing something great by cutting corners? My advice would be take a step back, clear away all the conflicts, and then you can proceed with a clear mind and heart. Now, from the dude's perspective, although he didn't ask...my answer is "ah hell no dude. What are you thinking?" There may not be a student/teacher dating policy, but I'll be willing to bet a large piece of swampland there is a sexual harassment policy. What do you think is gonna happen if she gets a bad grade, or you dump her for the next cute student. Don't go there. Now, having said that, let me conclude in a more gentile manner, with essentially the same advice. If this relationship is worth having, it's worth taking the time to do it right. Remove the conflicts before you proceed. If not, you will always have that little voice in your head telling you all the ways this could end badly.
--Saishokukenbi
*********************
I am a 21 year old college student, and I may be having an affair with my professor. It started when I saw him in the local coffee shop and asked what kind of format his exams were in (multiple choice, essay, etc.). He said he had some old exams in his office from the previous semester to help me prepare. So the following day, I went to his office, we began chatting about trivial things, like my major and college life. He is only 28 years old, single and fresh out of graduate school; we had a lot in common. Soon, we began regular study sessions at the local coffee shop (other students were included most of the time). Recently, I began spending more and more time at his apartment-- just watching tv, cooking dinner, studying, and sometimes I fell asleep there.
My college strongly discourages student-teacher relationships, but has not adopted a policy to prevent it.
I'm not receiving any favors. We definitely have established a separation between our school relationship and personal relationship. I didn't do so well on his first test, and that just made him want to help me more. The age difference is only about seven years. I have friends with much bigger age gaps between their partners. He will only be my professor until the end of December. Should we stop seeing each other until I pass his class?
Part of me says I should end this. But the other part of me says I have never met a man that has made me feel so good. He tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent. My last boyfriend never went to college and truly wasn't that smart. So it's nice to have an intelligent conversation with someone you like.
I have only been seeing him for about six weeks. There has been no sexual advances (He refuses to even kiss me until I let him know I am ready for that next step). He constantly tells me that if I ever feel uncomfortable, we can stop hanging out. But, I never do. We end every night together with a hug and a kiss on the cheek or forehead.
The attraction I have to him just gets bigger and bigger every time I see him. I really don't want it to stop.
--Teacher's Pet
*****************
Here's what the Guys think:
Dear T.P.,
Victor's Take:
I know I might catch some flak for this answer, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. Nothing. If I were in the same position, I would absolutely go for it.
I think you need to tread lightly and watch your boundaries - keep school and your personal time separate (no different than an office romance), but I say - go for it. It is hard enough in the world to find someone you click with, and have that true deep connection. Also, it sounds as if you have a very mature way of thinking about this situation and are handling it perfectly.
I say - keep on keeping on. Be careful, respect each other's space, keep school time and personal time separate... and have fun.
Life is too short....
--V
********
Ronnie's Take:
You both seem mature enough to handle this. One college course out of your life time shouldn't hold back a relationship with such great potential. In the big picture, neither of you have ill intent for the relationship, and, come December, it will be no issue anyway. No big deal here.
--Ronnie
**************
Eddie's Take:
First, I really never understood how someone under 30 even qualifies to be a college professor. Nothing against this guy, but he has plenty of life experience to gain. If I were Dean for a day, I don't even think I would consider hiring someone that would be too close to the same generation as the students. It sort of leaves too much of an opportunity for-- well, you did ask this question, right?
So, to your question-- do what you have to do. So far, both of you have handled this in an extremely mature fashion. However, the school would frown upon you hanging out at his apartment just as much as they would if you were having relations. The line has already been crossed, and he is the one that has much more at stake here.
The best thing to do is to walk on eggshells if you want to continue to hang out, but it would be best to hit the pause button until you finish his class. You don't want to get yourself into a "no pussy-- no pass" situation.
All in all, it sounds like you met a decent guy, and the age difference is not even a concern for me. Focus on your studies, pass his class, and rock his world for Christmas!
--Eddie
****************
************************************************************************
It's that time again! Here's our Special Guest for this week!
Saishokukenbi is one of our dear Myspace friends, and she is an top supporter of Ask 3 Guys. So, today, we offer a woman's perspective!
**************************************************************************
Saishokukenbi's Take:
Actually, I can answer this one from personal experience. My father was my mother's accounting professor in college. He was far older than her. Their relationship, as I'm told, did not commence until after she had graduated, but, even so apparently, some cast aspersions when the relationship became known. Sometimes, it's not so much whether there is wrongdoing, but that there is the appearance thereof. Just because there is no rule prohibiting it, doesn't mean there aren't real ethical considerations that could cost him his job, or her the chance at her education. There is nothing to say they can't date AFTER the semester is over. Better yet, perhaps she should just drop the class and take it under a different professor in a later semester. The reason this is probably the best solution is that, if she gets an "A" or any decent grade in the class, no one will ever believe she earned it. Is she prepared to live with that? Also, is what they have strong enough to survive the type of backlash that might follow? A lot of relationships aren't. And, last but not least, if this relationship is worth having, then it is worth taking the time to do it right. Why chance losing something great by cutting corners? My advice would be take a step back, clear away all the conflicts, and then you can proceed with a clear mind and heart. Now, from the dude's perspective, although he didn't ask...my answer is "ah hell no dude. What are you thinking?" There may not be a student/teacher dating policy, but I'll be willing to bet a large piece of swampland there is a sexual harassment policy. What do you think is gonna happen if she gets a bad grade, or you dump her for the next cute student. Don't go there. Now, having said that, let me conclude in a more gentile manner, with essentially the same advice. If this relationship is worth having, it's worth taking the time to do it right. Remove the conflicts before you proceed. If not, you will always have that little voice in your head telling you all the ways this could end badly.
--Saishokukenbi
*********************
Friday, September 11, 2009
Am I Just Being Too Picky?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Ok guys, its been quite some time since I last asked for advice, but I have another question for you.
I'll have to start by saying a little about myself, so you can understand the situation a bit better.
I demand perfection in absolutely everything. I am very critical-- quite possibly the hardest person anyone could make friends or have a relationship with, because I find every fault there is that exists. I point things out and expect change, and I am just as ruthless with myself.
Last year, I came across someone with everything I'd say was perfection:
She's passionate, gorgeous, mysterious, magnetic, loyal and we've made really good friends.
Now, here comes the problem-- She talks openly about sex. She's just so vulgar and dirty, which, to be honest, really gets on my tits. I don't mind it in private, but she just talks about it casually to anyone, as if there's nothing wrong. I just cringe inside constantly at it. Is there any need. Aren't some things just better left not talking about? I mean, sometimes, I have my kinky moments, but I tend to keep that side to my private life. It just all seems a bit sick.
Advice Guys-- what do I do? Because, I don't want to end things. If anything, I want to take things further, but I don't get the impression she's going to change if i mention my dissatisfaction.
I've never met someone with so much charm, and so much to like, so I definitely want to make this work-- no matter what it takes...
--Picky Nick
****************
Dear Picky Nick,
Ronnie's Take:
First, only you can control how you feel. What makes you right about the appropriate way to talk about sex? That is a personal feeling. There is no right or wrong. Until you learn about compromise, you will never make a relationship work. How would you feel if she was to say "Nick, I can't believe how insecure you are about talking openly about sex"? See my point?
Remember the 80-20 rule. Does she make you happy 80% of the time?
If so, move forward. If not, move on.
--Ronnie
-------------------
Victor's Take:
People change for themselves, rarely, if ever, for anyone else. Communicate - share with her that her open and frank talk in public about sex bothers you.
If she changes, she will do it on her own accord. Don't force her to change.
Doing so will only create resentment, and my man, resentment is the #1 Relationship killer.
Good luck...
--Victor
-----------------
Eddie's Take:
First, I want to take a moment to address your obsession with perfection. You will continue to be let down for the rest of your life if you do not get over it right now. I used to be the same way. You could show me a million-light Vegas strip display, and I would comment about the two bulbs that were burned out. In relationships, I would always nit-pick over the most trivial details. A girl's laugh, the way she smiled, etc. I was kind of like Eddie Murphy on Boomerang. One day, you will learn to value people for who they are. Because-- let's face it-- none of us are perfect.
Relationships are all about compromise and toleration. We compromise to please our significant others, and we learn to tolerate the things that they can't control.
So, for the open talk about sex-- just let her know how you feel. Ask her, when you are alone of course, if she could tone it down a tad. Just be honest with her. Let her know that sex is a private part of your life, and you choose to keep it that way. If it continues, either let her go, or learn to tolerate it. Also, try getting her to agree on a signal you can give her when you are feeling uncomfortable. It may sound corny, but it works for some couples. When she gets on a sex-talk tangent, give her the nod, and it will bring her back.
Best of luck to you.
--Eddie
---------------
Ok guys, its been quite some time since I last asked for advice, but I have another question for you.
I'll have to start by saying a little about myself, so you can understand the situation a bit better.
I demand perfection in absolutely everything. I am very critical-- quite possibly the hardest person anyone could make friends or have a relationship with, because I find every fault there is that exists. I point things out and expect change, and I am just as ruthless with myself.
Last year, I came across someone with everything I'd say was perfection:
She's passionate, gorgeous, mysterious, magnetic, loyal and we've made really good friends.
Now, here comes the problem-- She talks openly about sex. She's just so vulgar and dirty, which, to be honest, really gets on my tits. I don't mind it in private, but she just talks about it casually to anyone, as if there's nothing wrong. I just cringe inside constantly at it. Is there any need. Aren't some things just better left not talking about? I mean, sometimes, I have my kinky moments, but I tend to keep that side to my private life. It just all seems a bit sick.
Advice Guys-- what do I do? Because, I don't want to end things. If anything, I want to take things further, but I don't get the impression she's going to change if i mention my dissatisfaction.
I've never met someone with so much charm, and so much to like, so I definitely want to make this work-- no matter what it takes...
--Picky Nick
****************
Dear Picky Nick,
Ronnie's Take:
First, only you can control how you feel. What makes you right about the appropriate way to talk about sex? That is a personal feeling. There is no right or wrong. Until you learn about compromise, you will never make a relationship work. How would you feel if she was to say "Nick, I can't believe how insecure you are about talking openly about sex"? See my point?
Remember the 80-20 rule. Does she make you happy 80% of the time?
If so, move forward. If not, move on.
--Ronnie
-------------------
Victor's Take:
People change for themselves, rarely, if ever, for anyone else. Communicate - share with her that her open and frank talk in public about sex bothers you.
If she changes, she will do it on her own accord. Don't force her to change.
Doing so will only create resentment, and my man, resentment is the #1 Relationship killer.
Good luck...
--Victor
-----------------
Eddie's Take:
First, I want to take a moment to address your obsession with perfection. You will continue to be let down for the rest of your life if you do not get over it right now. I used to be the same way. You could show me a million-light Vegas strip display, and I would comment about the two bulbs that were burned out. In relationships, I would always nit-pick over the most trivial details. A girl's laugh, the way she smiled, etc. I was kind of like Eddie Murphy on Boomerang. One day, you will learn to value people for who they are. Because-- let's face it-- none of us are perfect.
Relationships are all about compromise and toleration. We compromise to please our significant others, and we learn to tolerate the things that they can't control.
So, for the open talk about sex-- just let her know how you feel. Ask her, when you are alone of course, if she could tone it down a tad. Just be honest with her. Let her know that sex is a private part of your life, and you choose to keep it that way. If it continues, either let her go, or learn to tolerate it. Also, try getting her to agree on a signal you can give her when you are feeling uncomfortable. It may sound corny, but it works for some couples. When she gets on a sex-talk tangent, give her the nod, and it will bring her back.
Best of luck to you.
--Eddie
---------------
Monday, September 7, 2009
School, work, life.... Where do I fit in?
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
Here is a little background information for you:
I was dating this guy "J" and things were going real well for about a month and a half. We just kind of fell into a routine, and it was working wonderfully. He is in school for a degree in Electrical Engineering (not the easiest thing to do, esp when working a full time job). And, he's one of the unfortunate people that go all year round, because they go part time. Summer semester began, and all was well. We didn't see each other nearly as much, but it still was working for me. I understand that school comes first. All of a sudden, one day he decided that he could not do a relationship, school, and work. So, I do the right thing and take a step back. J recently told me that he does care about me, and thinks about me all the time, and wants me in his life, BUT can't balance a relationship. I see a lot of potential in this man. I have very strong feelings for him. But, I don't know if there ever really is a point to waiting.
The Question:
If someone really wanted a relationship, wouldn't they find any means to make it work? Where should I go from here?
--Pushed Aside
******************
Dear Pushed Aside,
Victor's Take:
The answers to your questions are:
Yes.
Let him go.
It's that simple.
I have a plethora of female friends that have gone through this - a man who is non-committal for any number of reasons, whether valid or invalid. My answer is always the same - when a guy is truly into you - the "butterflies in the stomach", the "can't get you out of my mind" feelings... Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is going to stop him - work, school, whatever - from being with you.
I think he is just not that in to you, and that's okay, because you know why?
Everyone deserves someone who is THAT into them. Let him go. Maybe your absence will make him realize that you are that important. He's not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination, he's just not there yet - and may never be.
I wish you all the best...
--V
*******
Ronnie's Take:
What's important to people change quite often. Sometimes even daily. I would tell him not to put labels on you two, and just go with the flow. You understand what he is going though. There will be no pressure to further this relationship until he has handled his responsibilities. Don't read anything into his indecisiveness. That usually comes when a person is under stress. Be supportive. T ell him you just want to have fun with no expectations in the meantime. Hope when he comes out on the other side that it will work, but be prepared if it doesn't.
--Ronnie
**************
Eddie's Take:
Plain and simple-- let him go. Don't try to pressure him to be with you. I can relate to the toll of school, work, and life all being juggled at the same time. I still do it, and it is tough.
However, I do know how powerful love is, and, if he really wanted it, he would do anything to be with you. So, part of me feels that this is just an excuse to let you down gracefully. Personally, I think it is a cop-out.
Just let him do his school thing, and you focus on being happy-- whatever it takes. I keep reiterating that people do not make us who we are. We have to define our characters, as well as our happiness, for ourselves.
In the end, I would thank him for the good times, tell him not to be a stranger, and wish him the best of luck.
--Eddie
***************
Here is a little background information for you:
I was dating this guy "J" and things were going real well for about a month and a half. We just kind of fell into a routine, and it was working wonderfully. He is in school for a degree in Electrical Engineering (not the easiest thing to do, esp when working a full time job). And, he's one of the unfortunate people that go all year round, because they go part time. Summer semester began, and all was well. We didn't see each other nearly as much, but it still was working for me. I understand that school comes first. All of a sudden, one day he decided that he could not do a relationship, school, and work. So, I do the right thing and take a step back. J recently told me that he does care about me, and thinks about me all the time, and wants me in his life, BUT can't balance a relationship. I see a lot of potential in this man. I have very strong feelings for him. But, I don't know if there ever really is a point to waiting.
The Question:
If someone really wanted a relationship, wouldn't they find any means to make it work? Where should I go from here?
--Pushed Aside
******************
Dear Pushed Aside,
Victor's Take:
The answers to your questions are:
Yes.
Let him go.
It's that simple.
I have a plethora of female friends that have gone through this - a man who is non-committal for any number of reasons, whether valid or invalid. My answer is always the same - when a guy is truly into you - the "butterflies in the stomach", the "can't get you out of my mind" feelings... Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is going to stop him - work, school, whatever - from being with you.
I think he is just not that in to you, and that's okay, because you know why?
Everyone deserves someone who is THAT into them. Let him go. Maybe your absence will make him realize that you are that important. He's not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination, he's just not there yet - and may never be.
I wish you all the best...
--V
*******
Ronnie's Take:
What's important to people change quite often. Sometimes even daily. I would tell him not to put labels on you two, and just go with the flow. You understand what he is going though. There will be no pressure to further this relationship until he has handled his responsibilities. Don't read anything into his indecisiveness. That usually comes when a person is under stress. Be supportive. T ell him you just want to have fun with no expectations in the meantime. Hope when he comes out on the other side that it will work, but be prepared if it doesn't.
--Ronnie
**************
Eddie's Take:
Plain and simple-- let him go. Don't try to pressure him to be with you. I can relate to the toll of school, work, and life all being juggled at the same time. I still do it, and it is tough.
However, I do know how powerful love is, and, if he really wanted it, he would do anything to be with you. So, part of me feels that this is just an excuse to let you down gracefully. Personally, I think it is a cop-out.
Just let him do his school thing, and you focus on being happy-- whatever it takes. I keep reiterating that people do not make us who we are. We have to define our characters, as well as our happiness, for ourselves.
In the end, I would thank him for the good times, tell him not to be a stranger, and wish him the best of luck.
--Eddie
***************
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Our Views on Marriage are Different
Dear Ask 3 Guys,
I've been with a man around three years now, and while it was rocky at points in the beginning, we are finally at a good place in our relationship, and have been for some time now. That is, until we were talking last night and the 'M word' was brought up (Marriage).
I was married once before, but it didn't last past so many years because my husband at the time decided he didn't really want to be a husband anymore. Fine; I moved on with the positive outlook that someday, I can and/or will meet another eventually who WILL want to be married. Being with the man I'm with now, I made him aware a while back to the fact of what I see for myself in the future (marriage and a family). He knew that about me. Last night, he finally tells me that he doesn't go for marriage at all.
He's bothered by the fact that I was married before and brings it up in conversation every once in a while and I take great offense to it. He says he just doesn't believe in the paper, I think that is just his excuse because "I've been 'had' already by another man, and am no longer a desirable candidate to marry". He claims that isn't the case and that he can spend the rest of his life with me and have a family, he just doesn't need the paper to do it. He's stated that if marriage does come around for us, it wouldn't be at least until our mid thirties (were in our mid twenties now), after we have had our children (but I've said I refuse to have children outside of marriage, so where's the middle ground there).
If he loved me enough to spend the rest of his life with me, why NOT give me the paper? I would feel ridiculous years from now calling the father of my children my 'boyfriend', or any other title women have to give their partners who won't marry them instead of my husband. I'm not religious or traditional, but in this case, I am. What should I do about our situation?
--Hope
***********
Dear Hope,
Ronnie's Take:
Well, I've been married before, and could care less if I get married again or not. It truly just is a piece of paper that seems to change things. I have been living with a woman I love dearly for 2+ yrs now. I show my love and dedication in other ways-- no paper needed. The big difference is we already have all the children we need (LOL). When it comes to my children, it would be important to me if I know I loved the mother and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. My first child was born out of wedlock, but we were not sure yet if we would stay together. It's real simple here. At your age, and the plans for kids, he would have to have a real solid answer as to why to not get married. Not just I don't go for marriage at all. Communicate as that is always the most important thing. If he has no good logical answer then RUN and run fast. Sounds like some underlying issues there.
--Ronnie
*************
Victor's Take:
I find it incredibly hard to believe that in three years of a relationship, marriage did not once come up in your conversations. I'm going to take some liberties here and make a supposition that marriage did come up, but you thought you could change him.
A tangent here: if I could give every woman on the planet one piece of advice when it comes to men is this-you cannot change a man. EVER.
The ultimate conundrum of relationships is this: at the moment a woman falls in love with a man, she is ready to mold him into and change him into the perfect man. At that moment a man falls in love with a woman, he never wants that woman to change.
If what you say is true and you shared with this man early on that you wanted to get married have children and now he is reneging on the deal, I have a major problem with that. Communication in relationships should happen often and should involve honesty. Clearly, this does not seem to be the case in this instance. Without knowing more information, I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you were married once before. I think he might be using that as a negotiating tactic to get you away from being married again, not that you are used or damaged goods... Or anything like that. He's just trying to fortify his argument, so I would not take that as a personal attack on you.
What you have to ask yourself is simply this: is not getting married a dealbreaker for you? If I am reading your question correctly I would assume the answer is yes. Obviously this is a man who has no interest in getting married and has over and over again made his case against marriage. I have to admit, I completely and wholeheartedly agree with him. But, that is an opinion for another time and another place.
If it is a dealbreaker, it's time to draw your line in the sand!
--V
*******
Eddie's Take:
He really needs to get over his issues. He is probably one of the people that thinks everything is overrated. He probably hates Christmas and other holidays. Seems like he has some built up issues.
I would iterate the benefits of marriage to him. Is he employed by a company that has insurance and other benefits? Are you? Questions, such as these, are important when you think about having a family. Doctor bills, finances, buying a house, etc. There are many areas that would benefit bother of you if you two were united. However, we all know how hard it is to change people.
Let him know how you feel about marriage, and my guess is that he will mature over the next several years. You said that you were in your twenties, and that (statistically speaking, of course) is not the best time to tie the knot. Many marriages fail in this day and age. Why is that? There are a million reasons.
Be thankful for the joy that you have in your relationship. Take each day as it comes-- carpe' diem, if you will. Don't pressure him about the issue-- Guys do not like to be pressured. Just focus on being a wonderful mate to him. If he values your love, things will work out.
P.S. Don't ever feel like you are tainted merchandise because you were previously married. Don't allow him to degrade you like that. We all make mistakes. Those mistakes aid in defining our character. You are not some piece of clothing with a discount tag that someone returned to Macy's.
--Eddie
**********
I've been with a man around three years now, and while it was rocky at points in the beginning, we are finally at a good place in our relationship, and have been for some time now. That is, until we were talking last night and the 'M word' was brought up (Marriage).
I was married once before, but it didn't last past so many years because my husband at the time decided he didn't really want to be a husband anymore. Fine; I moved on with the positive outlook that someday, I can and/or will meet another eventually who WILL want to be married. Being with the man I'm with now, I made him aware a while back to the fact of what I see for myself in the future (marriage and a family). He knew that about me. Last night, he finally tells me that he doesn't go for marriage at all.
He's bothered by the fact that I was married before and brings it up in conversation every once in a while and I take great offense to it. He says he just doesn't believe in the paper, I think that is just his excuse because "I've been 'had' already by another man, and am no longer a desirable candidate to marry". He claims that isn't the case and that he can spend the rest of his life with me and have a family, he just doesn't need the paper to do it. He's stated that if marriage does come around for us, it wouldn't be at least until our mid thirties (were in our mid twenties now), after we have had our children (but I've said I refuse to have children outside of marriage, so where's the middle ground there).
If he loved me enough to spend the rest of his life with me, why NOT give me the paper? I would feel ridiculous years from now calling the father of my children my 'boyfriend', or any other title women have to give their partners who won't marry them instead of my husband. I'm not religious or traditional, but in this case, I am. What should I do about our situation?
--Hope
***********
Dear Hope,
Ronnie's Take:
Well, I've been married before, and could care less if I get married again or not. It truly just is a piece of paper that seems to change things. I have been living with a woman I love dearly for 2+ yrs now. I show my love and dedication in other ways-- no paper needed. The big difference is we already have all the children we need (LOL). When it comes to my children, it would be important to me if I know I loved the mother and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. My first child was born out of wedlock, but we were not sure yet if we would stay together. It's real simple here. At your age, and the plans for kids, he would have to have a real solid answer as to why to not get married. Not just I don't go for marriage at all. Communicate as that is always the most important thing. If he has no good logical answer then RUN and run fast. Sounds like some underlying issues there.
--Ronnie
*************
Victor's Take:
I find it incredibly hard to believe that in three years of a relationship, marriage did not once come up in your conversations. I'm going to take some liberties here and make a supposition that marriage did come up, but you thought you could change him.
A tangent here: if I could give every woman on the planet one piece of advice when it comes to men is this-you cannot change a man. EVER.
The ultimate conundrum of relationships is this: at the moment a woman falls in love with a man, she is ready to mold him into and change him into the perfect man. At that moment a man falls in love with a woman, he never wants that woman to change.
If what you say is true and you shared with this man early on that you wanted to get married have children and now he is reneging on the deal, I have a major problem with that. Communication in relationships should happen often and should involve honesty. Clearly, this does not seem to be the case in this instance. Without knowing more information, I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you were married once before. I think he might be using that as a negotiating tactic to get you away from being married again, not that you are used or damaged goods... Or anything like that. He's just trying to fortify his argument, so I would not take that as a personal attack on you.
What you have to ask yourself is simply this: is not getting married a dealbreaker for you? If I am reading your question correctly I would assume the answer is yes. Obviously this is a man who has no interest in getting married and has over and over again made his case against marriage. I have to admit, I completely and wholeheartedly agree with him. But, that is an opinion for another time and another place.
If it is a dealbreaker, it's time to draw your line in the sand!
--V
*******
Eddie's Take:
He really needs to get over his issues. He is probably one of the people that thinks everything is overrated. He probably hates Christmas and other holidays. Seems like he has some built up issues.
I would iterate the benefits of marriage to him. Is he employed by a company that has insurance and other benefits? Are you? Questions, such as these, are important when you think about having a family. Doctor bills, finances, buying a house, etc. There are many areas that would benefit bother of you if you two were united. However, we all know how hard it is to change people.
Let him know how you feel about marriage, and my guess is that he will mature over the next several years. You said that you were in your twenties, and that (statistically speaking, of course) is not the best time to tie the knot. Many marriages fail in this day and age. Why is that? There are a million reasons.
Be thankful for the joy that you have in your relationship. Take each day as it comes-- carpe' diem, if you will. Don't pressure him about the issue-- Guys do not like to be pressured. Just focus on being a wonderful mate to him. If he values your love, things will work out.
P.S. Don't ever feel like you are tainted merchandise because you were previously married. Don't allow him to degrade you like that. We all make mistakes. Those mistakes aid in defining our character. You are not some piece of clothing with a discount tag that someone returned to Macy's.
--Eddie
**********
And, here is a response from one of our friends. Every once in a while, A3G will have a Guest Spot, so here's his take:
Faust's Take:
For many people, the institution of marriage leaves a bad taste in their mouth--it might be because of personal encounters with bad marriages, perhaps parents, siblings or friends, or it might be because they are generally distrustful of any institutions. There is also a common sensation of unease about marriage, either because of stories of perfectly good relationships that somehow change once they've been declared official or a feeling that society is intruding on a relationship by giving it a label and a seal of approval. Keep in mind that some couples are very successful and happy with marriage under common law (which will, of course, vary from state to state).
The point that gives me pause, though, is that it seems his attitude is a relatively new thing--you've been dating for years and his opinion has only arisen now that marriage was brought up. If so, it feels like he may be hedging his bets.
No matter, it's important that both of you be honest with yourselves as well as one another. First, try to look at it from his side: What is so important to you about the piece of paper, about the words "husband," "wife" and "married?" I would also ask him the same question (what is wrong with that paper and those words) as well as an inquiry about what would be different when you are older; why would it be ok when you are in your 30s but not now?
If your relationship is good on all points but this, examining why this point is so important is crucial--it might be a manifestation of a deeper issue.
--Faust
**********
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