Friends or More???

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok I'll try to make this short. My ex and I dated for 8 months, we told each other we loved each other, stayed over at each others houses and had a great relationship. Out of no where he said that he wanted a break, but that he still loved me and cared about me. He said his issue was that he just wasn't ready for another relationship. (we both ended a 2 year relationship 6 months before we got together)

Now here is the confusing part, since we broke up, we've been together everyday still and I pretty much live at his house. We are still intimate and when we are alone very affectionate. However in public we don't kiss or hold hands. It's been about 2 years since we broke up and this has been going on. Am I just stupid for staying around and hoping things will change and we will be together or what? I'm at a loss of what to do I love this man with all my heart, he says he feels the same but if he did then why aren't we together?

--So Sad in So Cal
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Dear So Sad,

Ronnie's Take:

Yes tell him how you feel. Player pops up in my head. Did he always not like public affection or only after the conversation? Yes 2 yrs of that is stupid. Sorry but you been on break for 2yrs. 2yrs on break-- I'm speechless. Don't even communicate--- RUNNNNN.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

First and foremost, I have a question. When you guys originally started dating, was he affectionate (holding hands, kissing etc) in public? If no, then your question is moot. There are guys out there that just aren't affectionate enough, public or otherwise. Some women can handle that, others cannot.

I'll assume that he was affectionate when you two dated the first time. If that is the assumption....

I think you are the rebound relationship and that it (your relationship) is a "relationship of convenience". That is my initial gut reaction when I first read your question. You two do love each other, you both are "comfortable" with each other, etc. But, deep down inside - both of you know that there is something missing.

Here is what I would do: COMMUNICATE!

"He says he feels the same but if he did then why aren't we together?" - EXACTLY.

Sit down and have an open and honest discussion about your feelings. You are not getting what you want out of the relationship anyway, what have you got to lose by putting it all on the table? Worst case scenario, he breaks up with you. We live, we love, we move on... that's life.

Look, I've loved a few women in my life. I still love a few. Just because you love someone, does not mean you were destined to be together forever.

I wish you nothing but the best.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

Stop giving him the milk for free!!! Apparently, this guy wants to bear the single label-- that way he can do whatever he wants without any consequences. I am sure that he is sexually active with someone else (if not many more). I agree with Ronnie-- this has player written all over it. And, I am sure that you are being faithful the whole time, right? This guy is reaping all of the benefits, without the rules of a relationship.

If you have a genuine friendship with this guy, you will see that it will be untarnished in the absence of sex. If, however, the friendship is impacted, you will understand that his motives were to use you sexually.

So, communicate with him, and let him know that the sex and closeness is confusing you. Tell him that you continue falling in love with him, and, if he doesn't want to commit, you cannot set yourself up for failure.

Miscommunication is the root cause of so many problems.

Best of luck to you.

--Eddie
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My son is out of control... help me!!!!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok here is my problem. I have a son that is 11. He is totally out of control and very disrespectful. It has come to the point to where my husband has given up on him because he disrespects him so much. He is my husband's step son. It is really bad. His dad is in the picture, but is never really here. It's a hard situation to explain. I am pretty much the only person that takes care of him and deals with him, which is hard on me, and puts a lot of stress on my plate. It has now caused a lot of problems in my marriage and has now started to put my marriage in jeopardy. If you could imagine the worse case possible with the most disrespectful kid possible that is my son. I can punish him, take anything thing away and nothing will affect him at all. He cares about nothing. He does not care if he hurts your feelings, he doesn't care how he talks to you, and I am telling you he cares about nothing at all! It has come to the point to where when it comes to the weekend all I want to do is get out take a break get a drink. That's where it becomes a problem because I am being called a party animal. My husband does not understand the actual stress that I go through with my son, how much it hurts me to see him like this? I often think what did I do wrong? I
have thought about sending him to an all boys military school to get his act together, but then I don't think I could live with myself if I did something like that. I often think well I can't live much longer like this either. I will end up alone because he is destroying this house hold. It's not that my husband wants to give up, because he doesn't. He still tries all the time, But when he does my son just shows him lack of respect all of the time. I cry all the time because it hurts so much. There are times that I spank him, put him in his room, he doesn't get to play, I do it all. He does see someone and we have seen every Dr. you can imagine, no one seems to help us get to the bottom of this. I have even cried in front of him and asked him why? What did I do for him to treat me this way.. I have raised him my whole life alone until my husband came along. What did I do for him to be so bad? He never has an answer for me. His grades are pretty good. I can't complain about that. Other than that he just has a major attitude problem.

--Miserable Mommy

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Dear Miserable Mommy,

Ronnie's Take:

Well it seems you have seeked out professional help which is clearly the best answer. We are not professionals but I can tell you about my experiences with disrespectful children. My son has a.d.h.d. and my daughter had the strong will to run over my ex-wife and grand parents. Desperate times call for desperate measures. This is not what you will hear from any professional. I had a few talks and they went like this. We have a problem that we can solve together (teamwork). From this point forward I'm not putting up with your disrespect. What do you think is causing it and how would you stop it (giving him the power)? Because the option is you can solve it or I'm going to beat the living hell out of you every time. I'm psycho and I will beat you until you call the police so they can take you away, then I won't have to put up with your disrespect any more. Now what is your choice (give him the power again)? If he disrespects then then be ready to grab him slam him, beat him with the belt screaming and yelling. Basically you have to go psycho on him. Call his bluff and be ready to except any result. It's now or never time. Yes I did this with my kids and some of my relatives and friends kids. Guess what? They all respect me. When they are at my house I don't have to say much anymore. I did have to out psycho them at some point and tell them I'm psycho. This was for their best. I still so love and play with them and reward them for good behavior. They all like me but respect me. This is tuff to do but he is worth it.

--Ronnie

___________________________________________________________________

Victor's Take:

Your son has serious abandonment issues from the relationship with his father. You blaming yourself and doing it in front of him makes it worse. Your son feels like he let you down too, and your behavior exacerbates the entire situation.

I know you have said you have tried many doctors. Try more. If your house was on fire, would you argue over the price of the water to put it out.?

Your marriage is in trouble and your son is crying for help. Your house is on fire - try harder. Find a mental health professional that will listen and will help.

Also, you and your husband should both enter counseling - immediately. You two will get a ton of out it and help your marriage, but your son will benefit as well.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor

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Eddie's Take:

It baffles me to see therapists and doctors see patients for years, yet they never figure out what the hell is wrong with them. I would actually keep records to plot out the data of his growth (or lack of) over the course of time that he spends with a doctor. If he sees someone for 6 months, but he has not changed his behavior, then I would question that specialist. In a perfect-world scenario, they think they understand your situation, but most of these quacks don't even have kids.

These days, it is all about not hurting the kids and so on. Blah, Blah, Blah... My dad busted my ass several times as a kid, and my upbringing definitely shaped me into the man that I am today.

Was I abused? Of course not. But, I related doing bad things to ass-whippings, and since I didn't like ass-whippings, I did less bad things.

Of course there is a line that you should never cross when it comes to physically punishing your kids, so don't do anything crazy. Just the traditional belt to the ass works great.

All I know is that you need to act fast. If he is 11 and out of control, then he is on a road to trouble. I have seen it too many times. First stealing, then drugs and alcohol, then jail....

He needs an intervention. And, I think boot camp is a good idea.

--Eddie

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I'm I too much of a guy?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am a single young woman living here in the great City of New Orleans... I have a rather different outlook on life than what I have been taught by my parents and Society... I get along better with guys than I do women. That is just the way that I am... I believe that women and men can be just friends... Some tend to disbelieve this theory... So I am looked at as a "Whore" instead of a woman who likes sports and four wheelers and muscle cars instead of shopping and talking about weddings and what my husband is going to look like... I get perceived as a "wild woman" who enjoys dancing on bars (No I do not take off any clothing) and taking shots and funneling beer and playing poker and smoking a cigar every now and again... Don't get me wrong, I get my nails done and my hair is always fixed... I dress like a woman... I am not a dike in any way... I just enjoy what society has set aside for the boys... I believe that women are allowed to enjoy these things along with the male sex and not be perceived as a"Whore"... I am told that is what it was like when I was a teenager and I need to grow up and actually be a woman who talks about recipes and what I am going to wear on my wedding day that may never come about... I just don't enjoy those kinds of subjects... I mean yes I do like bridal showers and baby showers and Tupperware parties, and things that are considered for women, but I don't sleep around with these guys or anything like that I just enjoy their company... So I guess here is my question... Does being able to hang with the boys make me a whore and does that give other males the right to talk down to me and treat me with anything but respect and does that give women the right to look down on me?

--One of the Guys
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Dear OG,

Ronnie's Take:

No, it doesn't and people who judge you are just uncomfortable with your abilities as a human to do what you enjoy. You will have a problem if you are dating because trust is an issue for a lot of people that have been cheated on in the past. Most men feel that hanging with guys all the time is like playing with fire. Even if you trust, it's an uncomfortable feeling. It is very possible to have guy/girl just friend relationships. I have had many over my life time with no sexual thoughts. Guess what-- the people in the corner always whispered about the relationships. Negative drama people will be just that. I don't have the time or patience for them and neither should you.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

"So I am looked at as a "Whore" instead of a woman who likes sports and four wheelers and muscle cars instead of shopping and talking about weddings and what my husband is going to look like... I get perceived as a "wild woman" who enjoys dancing on bars (No I do not take off any clothing) and taking shots and funneling beer and playing poker and smoking a cigar every now and again..."

Here is my question: are you a whore? I'm guessing no.

Are you a "wild woman" (whatever that means). Personally, I like my women on the wild side every now and then. My point is this: if we stopped worrying so much about what other people think about us, as a society we would be 95% happier. I let go of worry - what other people thought about me - a long time ago. You should try it.

Let me get on my soapbox for a second. I cannot get over how hard women are on each other sometimes about the silliest crap! Men don't treat each other like that. Anyway, there is my tangent - two cent moment, take it or leave it.

No one should be looked down upon for following their happiness. Respect is not freely given, it is often earned. But, if you are respecting others'
decisions, why shouldn't they respect yours?

As long as you are happy and you are not hurting anyone else, I say - do what you want. Have friends in your life that judge you? Find new friends.

Mignon McLaughlin, a famous American journalist, once wrote " Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."

I'd rather be a dead troublemaker.

In my experience, conformists are never happy.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

Here's the deal... people that force themselves to fit in the boxes that society has defined for them are just flat out miserable. The bottom line is that they hate the fact that you can be yourself, without any concern for what people think. So what if you are into guy things. There are many guys that will think that is a great trait for you to have.

No matter what package you are in, people are going to judge you. Hot women always get stereotyped as being bitches, big-breasted blondes are labeled as airheads, and guys that take care of themselves are now considered metro. It's all bullshit.

As people, we constantly put people in categories based on our historical data. For our own comfort, we have to be able to know what category they fit in. If the are a square peg in a round hole, it confused people, so they start making their own assumptions.

Just keep doing what you are doing. The snotty bitches will just have to get over it.

--Eddie
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Three for the Price of One!

Today, we thought we would give you three for the price of one! Sometimes our questions are answered directly by the experienced person in that area, so we wanted to share a few of those with you.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I heard recently that the company I work for is going to do a reverse stock split (RSS). I currently own approx. 10,000 shares and the stock is trading at about $2.50/share. My question is should I buy more stock now while its low and can afford it or should I wait until after the RSS. I know that after the RSS the price will be much higher. Or does any of this really make a difference since the value of my shares will not change.

Thanks, I look forward to your thoughts.

Regards,

Eric in Boston
***************

Dear Eric,

In the whole scheme of things, it really doesn't make a difference because you are DCA (dollar cost averaging).

Companies normally do a reverse split for one reason - to raise capital.

A company with a low stock price and high PE (price to earnings) ratio - like your company, I am guessing - normally does it because they are struggling and need cash flow. Ideally, this is not a company that I would want to own more stock in. Do your homework, and if the numbers look right and the investment is minimal, take a chance.

A company with a high stock price and low PE ratio does a reverse to lower their share price, attract new investors, and raise capital.

I suggest you watch CNBC everyday for about an hour. I leave it on while I am getting ready in the morning for work. I don't catch everything, but you would be surprised what you can learn.

Good luck to you.

--Victor

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Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have a friend who does not believe in God. I really don’t want them to go to HELL!!! What should I do. I have known this person for a very long time, I really don’t want to see them burn!!! What should I do?

Concerned Comrade
*********************

Dear CC,

I being of agnostic belief will answer this question with the assumption of being a believer of the christian doctrine. I will assume it's a christian belief do to the region (America) of the question-- as we all know religion is strongly regionalized. The answer would clearly be different as each faith has its own guidelines. Buddhist or Hindu would just let him figure it out generally speaking. Your god on the other hand could be testing you like he did Job. Your god might have a plan for your friend as we cannot understand his reasoning, for example why would he allow a baby to die, why would he create Satan, why ,with your god claiming all knowing, would he put the tree of life in front of Eve knowing she would eat of it, why would god allow Satan to roam his creation with torment and destruction when he has the power to stop him, why would your god send his son (Jesus) with the most important message ever to mankind and not have Jesus personally write his message down. None of this makes sense to a lot of the population. As you can see god's plan and picture is way larger then just your little knowledge can contain. You must just have FAITH and trust that your god with protect you and your longtime friend. Keep up the prayers and witnessing as you lead by example for your friend.

--Ronnie

************************************************************************************

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I really find myself getting mad at my friend's boyfriend because of the way he is with her sometimes. I feel that he is disrespectful to her, and he treats her like she is going to run off with some stranger. She is hot, so she does get attention sometimes, but I don't think she would ever be unfaithful. It really bugs me, and I just want to put him in his place.

Angry Amiga
***************

Dear Angry Amiga,

Here's what I think. People choose their mates based on the connection and/or attraction that they have to them. I find that the best advice I can offer to someone that is concerned with someone's relationship is to STAY OUT OF IT! The worst thing that you can do is to bash her boyfriend when she is venting about him. Remember... she is with him for a reason-- even if it doesn't make any sense at all to you. Part of us wants to step in, but the best thing to do is let them work it out. Judge your friends based on their actions towards you. Does his behavior affect you? Everyone deals with issues in relationships. It takes sacrifice and toleration to make one work, and none of us are perfect. So, don't base your entire perception off of a snap-shot.

Be there for your friend if she needs your advice or help, but, other than that, their business is their business.

--Eddie

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FWB? But I want more than that!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok so about a year ago I started kicking it with an old friend of mine. Its like a friends with benefits thing. Well, I started to have feelings for him. He's not the type of guy to be tied down to one person. He has been so hurt by his ex's that I don't think he will ever trust a female again. He moved in with me until he could get back on his feet, and I think my feelings have become stronger for him. I'm really not sure what I
should do. I have love and respect for him as he does for me.

More than a friend
*********************

Dear More than a friend,

Ronnie's Take,

This is a common problem with friends with benefits. Friends, isn't that what our bf/gf or husband/wife should be? T hat's the problem a perfect spouse is one who is your friend first. The problem friends with benefits has is it's for people not looking to have a relationship supposedly. Next you must be honest, which should be easy to do if you are truly friends, about how you feel and ask his opinion. Remember the first sentence is the hardest. Practice it and the rest of the conversation will go easy. Also you must be ready to accept he doesn't want the same things as you from the relationship. Make sure he understands you can handle the truth about his feelings.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

90% of people cannot handle the friends with benefits situation because they cannot separate sex and emotion. I know that I have said this over and over again, but I will continue to shout at the rain until people start listening.

I think you should be honest - share with him that you have developed strong feelings for him. One of two things are going to happen.

1) You are going to scare him away and he will run. At first, you will be sad and upset. But, in the long run you will get what you are really looking for - an emotional connection that you are not getting right now.

2) He might have reciprocal feelings for you and, in that case, I suggest you run with it.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

Friends with benefits.... hmmm. I have always been a bit leery about that concept. When I was single, FWB just meant that I knew I could hook up whenever I wanted. What's the right balance. Should the friendship outweigh the benefits, or vice versa?

I just think that women have a difficult time keeping their emotions out of it. Ladies think with their hearts. It has always been that way. Guys, of course, think with their penises. So, if you are giving, of course he is going to be taking.

If you like this guy, stop giving him sex until you can get this sorted out. Each time he penetrates you, your connection to him will grow stronger. Apparently, FWB is not your cup of tea. You are not alone, as Victor stated, there is only a small percentage of people that can make that work.

So, chose a friendship or take steps to turn it into something more. Right now, you are letting him live the perfect fantasy. So, keep your legs closed and your eyes opened. He may be wanting the same thing.

--Eddie

Should I let my son's girlfriend be in his room?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My son is 21. A great kid, going to college, works 2 part time jobs and lives at home for free (with the condition that he maintains good grades while in school). He has a new girlfriend who I really like. The prior girlfriend was such a nightmare, I refused to let her in my house due to her lying, suspected drug use, etc. His new girlfriend is 23, lives at home and goes to college as well.

Today I made a comment that if my son's room was cleaner, he could have his girlfriend up there watching TV instead of our small couch downstairs. The look on his face made me realize that maybe I was being too lenient?

Honestly, they are both old enough to be on their own and it's none of my business if they are having sex, but should I put limits on her being in his room?

Mom
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Dear Mom,

Eddie's Take:

I lived with my parents several times after the initial move-out. My parents never openly addressed what went on in my bedroom, but she had to know what was going on. I think you are looking at this the right way. You son is old enough to have those types of desires, but just keep it as a "don't ask, don't tell" topic.

In times of need, my parents were there to help me. Making it hard with the "my house-my rules" approach would have probably resulted in me resenting them. They just let me live there, and I did my own thing-- work and school. I didn't bring alcohol in the house, because that was one rule that was enforced out of respect for my mom.

So, sounds like you have a good son on your hands. As long as he keeps is grades up and stays out of trouble, who cares if he gets his peter wet?

--Eddie
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Victor's Take:

My dad use to have a saying: "When you live in my house, you will live by my rules."

My mom and dad, however, were lenient. Their philosophy was a simple one:
"I'd rather have them under my roof where they are safe then out on the street somewhere." They were not enablers by any stretch of the imagination, but I had girlfriends sleep over when I was 18 - in the same bed. I also had a job, was going to college and had my stuff together - much like your son.

I think you need to make your own rules and he needs to abide by them as long as he lives there. If you are asking me for my opinion, and I think you are - I would let her sleep over, go to his room... all of it.

I would rather my son in his home than in a cheap hotel room or even worse, in a car somewhere. But, that's just me.


--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

Sounds like you have been on top of your game with the raising of your son. He is 21 now, and you seem to have instilled good values in him as seen by his good grades and respect for you. Benefits of a clean room should even motivate him more. Twenty-one of good parenting won't be undone be this judgment. If you trust him after 21yrs to have a girl in his room, and still respect you and the house, then yes, you made the right call. Stick to it

--Ronnie
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How do I let her down easy?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

There is this girl that is a friend of a friend of minethat I have been knowing for almost 20 yrs.She saw me on MY friends pageabout a month ago.Ever since then she has been emailing me,leaving tons ofcomments on my page.and sending me tons of stickers and all with things like"call me",wanting me to go out with her every weekend,and BBF kind ofstuff.I met her and I just didn't feel a connection,at all.She lives withher mom and has no kids and I do.I have a family life and just don't havethe time to party all the time.She seems kind of obsessed with me.I don'tfeel that she fits the cryteria of my circle of friends.I'm totally not amean person but I just don't feel like I want to be friends with her.How doI let her know this without hurting her feelings?

--Not Interested
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Dear NI,

Victor's Take:

Honesty and communication.

Clearly, you don't want to be mean but there is a nice way to deliver your message. Almost every message can be delivered in an amiable fashion.

When she emails or comments, just let her know - "Hey, I'm super busy with my family/kids... I'm glad to see your life is going well". Be short and sweet and stay on message. If you continue to send that message, she should realize that you are focusing on your family/kids and that is your top priority in life. For most people, a mismatch of priorities constitutes a taking a different direction. I think she will get the message.

If, after repeated attempts, she does not get the message I would then and only then take a more direct approach.

Good luck.

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

Unfortunately there is no way to tell somebody that you are interested in them as a person(friend). You just must know that you are making the right decision by being honest in the long run. Put the blame on you that you are in a place that just doesn't allow the freedom that she has. Build her up and place the blame for no connection on you. Tell her you value her enough as a person to tell her.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

Try this--- blow her off! There's no connection. Okay-- big deal. If you spend your life basing every decision you make on whether it hurts someone's feelings or not, you are going to make yourself miserable.

Just listen to how this sounds... "I met this girl, but there isn't a connection. Should I make myself miserable by staying with her, so I can spare her feelings?" Of course not.

Life goes on. She'll get over it. I'm sure being dumped by you isn't the worst thing she'll face in life.

--Eddie
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Will picking a mole cause cancer?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Is it possible to cause cancer by picking a mole?

Picker
*******

Dear Picker,

Victor's Take:

Picking at anything does not cause cancer.

Cancer is any malignant growth or tumor caused by abnormal and uncontrolled cell division; it may spread to other parts of the body through the lymphatic system. (Princeton.edu)

--Victor
*********

Ronnie's Take:

I'm not a doctor but I'm told no it cannot cause cancer but if cancer already exists it speeds up the growth rate by picking at it from the interaction that the body gives to heal the picking you are doing.

--Ronnie
*********

Eddie's Take:

I'm no expert, but I have had several moles removed for various reasons. I have never had a biopsy come back positive for cancer. I did learn 4 characteristics that deem a mole a potential problem, which should be evaluated by your doctor. When I was in massage school, we learned the ABCD's of skin cancer:

A - Asymmetry - The mole should be very similar on both sides.
B - Border - The mole should not have jagged edges
C - Color - The color should not be very dark brown or black
D - Diameter - The diameter should not be larger than a pencil's eraser.

You may want to research to get the exact medical definitions. I'm surprised that I even remember this from school.

P.S. If you have hair that constantly grows out of your mole, be sure to trim it. Not for heath reasons, just because it is not fun to look at.

--Eddie
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I am not a slut... get over it!!!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

To put it bluntly - my husband acts like I'm a slut. I have never cheated on him, never even been tempted to, but for some reason the fact that I lost my virginity before we met really seems to bother him (he was a virgin when we met). He judges me by what I did in high
school, which was over 10 years ago for me. I can't change my past, and I can't figure out what to do to get him past this. He tells me if he thinks someone on TV is attractive, which doesn't bother me, but if I say anything about a man on TV, he acts like I'm going to run off and sleep with that person. I reassure him regularly that I love him and I'd never cheat on him, but I can only hear it so many times before I just want to run away. What can I do to help his poor self esteem?

Always Judged
***************

Dear Always Judged,

Ronnie's Take:

Well check a few things here. Have you communicated your feelings in a clear and concise manner? Does he meet the 80/20 rule? Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If he does, then communicate as much as you can, but that accept no relationship is perfect, and learn to live with it. It's real easy to just laugh something off. Laugh and say yeah right-- if it's not that big of a deal for you. Is this a deal breaker? His insecurity is what is leading to the attacks. Can you live with that?

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

It sounds like your husband is a very insecure person. These insecurities probably stem from his childhood. I'm assuming you knew about these insecurities and self esteem issues during your dating years and chose, for whatever reason, to overlook them. You are not the only one, believe me.

Your husband needs to see a psychologist/psychiatrist as soon as possible.
Your job is to be a wife, not to be his self esteem life coach or insecurity fixer. The hard part is going to be that you are going to try and convince him to go. You cannot; it is a decision he needs to make on his own.

I hope, for your sake and his, that he will get help and will not force you to "run away".

Good luck to you.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

First, make sure that there isn't anything that you are doing that he may perceive as crossing the line. Sometimes a woman likes attention a bit too much, and that can bother a husband. Do you dress a little too sexy when you go out? Do you often go out without him? Do guys hit on you often? These things, though small and trivial to you, may make him feel like he could lose you to someone else. I read a management book once that talked about filling your employees bucket. Basically, their low esteem is a result of constantly dipping out of the bucket. Compliments, thanks, and showing love are great ways to fill your husband's bucket. It's no different than weeding a garden. You have to put in some work to reap the benefits of a beautiful garden.

It is obvious that he doesn't see how much you love him. Guys can be very child-like in regard to this. He needs to know that he is number one. So, try putting him up on a pedestal once in a while, and see how that turns out. Make him feel like that hottest guy on the planet... you know, give his ego a stroke.

--Eddie
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I Just Wanna Go Back Home!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Here's my question. I am a transplant from Louisiana and have been away for about 3 years. I would love nothing more than to be back around my family and friends back home. The problem is that I am married to a great man but he absolutely hates Louisiana. We've lived there when we first married and he had a very bad experience there overall. My family really didn't like him, he lost a really good job, and he complained about never seeing his family and friends. Now we are both set in our careers and have some good opportunities back in Louisiana now. I am just absolutely miserable away from home and really think passing up the job offers back home is a BIG mistake. Ive talked to him about how much I hate where we live several times and his response is" Baby I love you but if you really wanna move back you are going to have to do it without me". What do I do to convince him that I cannot stand being away from home anymore?

Homesick
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Dear Homesick,

Victor's Take:

I'm guessing that when you married him, you knew of his disdain for Louisiana but that was not a deal breaker for you.

You could start packing and see what he does.

Seriously, everything in life is a trade off. Is your marriage more important to you than missing home, family, friends, and good job opportunities? Ideally, you could have your cake and eat it too. The reality, however is very different - life is not like Burger King, you cannot have it your way.

You could also work hard every day to make his life miserable until he gives in and gives you what you want. It worked on me in the past.

I think you sit down one more time with him and make a pro / con list. Go over all the possible scenarios and leave no stone unturned. If the only con he can come up with is, "I hate Louisiana" the list is going to look kind of silly in your favor, isn't it? That's the approach I would use to "convince"
him.

Ultimately, you cannot make him do anything. If you go for the making him miserable approach, you might move home but he will resent you for the rest of your life and I'm thinking that is not the correct equation for a good marriage.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

Relationships are about sacrifice. You can't change where your heart is, but you have to decide which one is your-- heart your home or your hubby. You can replace a hubby, but not a hometown and family. He has made his decision clear and hasn't mis-led you in any way. Make a decision and make the best of the result you choose.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

I have a friend that is in a similar situation, and it is a tough one to be in. When someone has a bad experience in a place, it is not easy for them to want to go back. My friend has tried several times, but his wife has said that she will never move back there with him. When you find yourself at a crossroad, such as this one, you have to evaluate the pros and cons of the situation. There is no win-win scenario her. You stay where you are-- you are miserable. He moves-- he is miserable. The bottom line is that life is about making yourself happy. When you reflect on your life, you don't want to have a bunch of what-ifs. It sounds to me like you miss Louisiana bad enough to make the move without him. Is that something you are prepared to do? There's no magic recipe here-- just a tough decision.

If you value your marriage, things may be able to work out where you are. If the marriage is unfulfilling, then follow your heart back home.

I wish I could paint a better picture, but it is what it is.

P.S. Try researching the job market for him. Maybe a better career would make him consider.

--Eddie
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Was I Just a Booty Call?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hi guys! I have a question that is best answered by a guy. Or three! I hung up my dating shoes a few years ago because I just didn't enjoy it. Recently however, I decided to give it another try. I met a guy on an internet dating site a few weeks ago. I decided to go out with him even though I wasn't all that attracted to him. Once we met, found I really liked him (but still wasn't that physically attracted to him). We had a fabulous first date...drinks, museum, dinner and a little makeout time that got a little bit passionate. We happened to be at a hotel bar and he invited
me to "get a room" I declined saying I'd rather we get to know each other better but was definitely interested in that option later on. A few days later we had a second date...coffee and conversation ...also nice. We planned a third date for the following week...dinner and a movie and then...you know...get a little "closer". I'm 49 years old, divorced, independent and successful. It's been over 2 years since I've been intimate with anyone and he, being older also, seemed like a good candidate. So the big day comes... instead of him showing up, he calls to tell me he's tired
from travelling, he's almost home, and would I like to come over for a sleepover. I didn't know what to think! We just went from having a nice date with a nice ending to a "booty call". I declined. That was pretty much "the end." So what's the deal? What did I go wrong?

Not a Booty Call
***************

Dear NBC,

Ronnie's Take:

Did you ever think he was telling the truth? Maybe he was tired and was feeling comfortable enough with you after a couple of weeks to say that. Did you try telling him how you feel? Communication is the easiest form of solving a problem. You had nothing to lose by telling him how that made you feel. Most older people can handle a booty call, especially when he has did some wining and dining. Sounds like he put some time in and wasn't rude anywhere along the process. On another note, I do have a problem with you not being attracted to him. While that is far from everything in a relationship, it is a big part. You two didn't have much a chance. Giving up on dating closes an option in life and you never want to limit your options. Take your time and pick your spots.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

Let me ask you a question. Did you think for one second that he might be telling the truth?

"he calls to tell me he's tired from travelling, he's almost home, and would I like to come over for a sleepover"

Also, he did say sleepover. He didn't say booty call or sex or anything remotely close to it. If you sleep over, is sex an automatic forgone conclusion? I don't think so, and maybe he didn't either.

Did you ask him?

I'm as sexual of a man that you will ever meet, I sleep with women all the time and don't have sex sometimes. If you set limits / put a boundary up, I will respect that.

It sounds like your first two dates went fairly well. Also, I understand you not wanting to go over there for a "sleepover", but what I don't understand- why not reschedule the date? Or did he already do that?

On your first date, he invited you to get a room with him. You declined, yet he still asked you out again. Did you get offended when he asked you to get a room? I'm guessing no. Now, you are going to get upset when he asks you to come over for a sleepover?

These are the kind of mixed signals that drive men nuts! (I know, women
too...)

It sounds like you two hit it off and had chemistry. Go out with him again.
Maybe that's why you are not having fun dating. You cannot have fun when you are overanalyzing so much.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

I would think that someone older is really not interested in playing games. Guys have a tendency to get comfortable much faster than women. It sounds like he felt like things were going good enough, so asking you over was okay.

I admire you standing your ground, but all you have to do is communicate that to him. If you have already had a bit of intimate time with him (and, he called you for another date), then he must have really starting liking you. It sounds like you met a genuinely good guy, and every woman will tell you that there isn't too many of those out there.

So, put your dating shoes back on, give this guy a call, and try to rekindle what was starting to blossom.

P.S. Looks are temporary anyway. When someone makes you feel complete, they are beautiful to you.

--Eddie
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Victim of a Two-Faced Fake Friend

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

A friend of mine became very upset with me over something petty and decided to be two-faced instead of telling me straight up that she no longer wished to be friends. When I confronted her about this she instantly said f*&$ me, f*&$ my husband and then said f&$* my children,calling them the seeds of the devil! I DO NOT ACCEPT ANYONE SPEAKING THIS WAY AGAINST MY CHILDREN! I found it very immature of her. My question is,why would anyone bring someone's children into an argument? I just don't understand! I'm hoping that you and/or your readers could help me shed some sort of light on this and help me see why she would say such a thing against innocent children. Thanks so much!

No Longer a Friend
******************

Dear No Longer a Friend,

Victor's Take:

When people are upset, they sometimes say things that are absurd, make no sense, are hurtful, etc. Does that make it ok? Absolutely not. Hopefully, by the time we post this answer your friend will have called and apologized for saying what she said. If not, she might have done you a big favor. Saying these things ended your friendship; who wants people in their life that would say such things? I know I would not.

--Victor
********

Ronnie's Take:

People lash out for many reasons. Her anger was not directed at your kids; it was directed to hurt you. Name-calling never helps any argument I have ever seen, in fact, it hurts and makes it worse. If you care about each other reach out to her. Ask her what did you do to deserve that kind of attack. Apologize for anything you might have done to make her react that way. These are ways of defusing the situation and maybe continuing the friendship. There are also times when it is best to walk away from a friendship. Make sure you make an effort to communicate and offer an olive breach of peace. This will make you feel better about yourself in the long run.

--Ronnie
*********

Eddie's Take:

This sounds like she really crossed the line. I am surprised you didn't smack her in the face. When people are hurt, they often lash out with things that they know will get to you. Bringing your kids in the mix is totally ludicrous. If I was you, I would forget she existed. She sounds totally immature and hateful.

I really can't add anything else to this. Kids are innocent, and only a foolish person would say something like that.

--Eddie
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Making $ on the Internet

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Is there a survey site on the net which actually pays, or are they all just not worth it ?

Need Cash
**********

Dear NC,

Ronnie's Take:

Pennies a survey. A lot of work for a little return is what I've been told. It's money but not a quick fix.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

Since the inception of the Internet, I have not heard of or met one single person in my life that has made a dime with online surveys. If one of our readers had a differing opinion or view, I invite them to share and we will be happy to pass along the information.

Thanks for your question.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

Okay... I have a question for you. If you had a get rich scheme that delivered maximum return for minimal effort, would you share it with everyone? I doubt it.

You know the old adage-- if it's too good to be true, it probably is.

Info-mercials, pop-ups, emails, etc. all are designed to get you to make an impulse buy. It sounds so good, and so easy. You can make $5000/wk. I think it is bull.

If I could make a fortune doing something on the internet, I definitely would not tell the world about it. Maybe you should look into being a secret shopper. There is a small registration fee, but you actually get paid to go shopping, and you get to keep what you buy.

--Eddie
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The Mystery of Women

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Why is it so many women enjoy messing with guys heads? It's quite simple-- they always say one thing but mean the other.

Just a Guy
**********

Dear Just a Guy,

Ronnie's Take:

It's sad. I agree, but we have to play the game. Play the game for good intentions. To get the girl you want. You can still treat her good, but you have to play the game.

It's simple-- have attitude and act like you don't care if you with her or not. Go read our 10 rules for men and see if you missed any. You were thinking you were communicating, but there was things she wasn't telling you. You better learn to have confidence, attitude, talk to her and be good in bed. All four are equally important. Sounds like you had them down but something broke down.

Some women lack self-confidence and cheating makes them feel good that other guys want them. You have one choice with them. Get the hell away. There are many fish in the sea. I was married to a women who lacked self-esteem and needed the guys to build her up. She cheated on me twice. I moved on. I'm VERY happy.

Go read Ask 3 Guys 10 rules for men and GET INTO THE GAME or get left behind.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

Don't try to understand a woman... just love her. - Hurl's Girl


First a story...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK.
You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


When men figure out women, women will figure out men. My point - don't let them play games with you. Don't let them come back for third chances.

Mostly importantly - don't allow yourself to be played or run over by anyone, be it a man or a women. Know when to say when (and NO!) and move on.

Thanks for your question.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

The day we understand the enigma known as woman, the day we conquer the world. With that said, I'll try to offer a little insight into the labyrinth of the opposite sex.

The key to understanding a woman is to interpret the tone and non-verbal communication that she sends with her message. Sure, she may say "yeah, you can go hang out with the guys", but are you really hearing what she wants. What she really means is that "you always choose your friends over me, and I really want you to stay home". Is this strange... yes. But, a woman wants you to make the decision to choose her. She wants you to make the decision for herself, but her expectation is that you spend the evening with her instead of the guys. No means yes, yes means no... I know-- it is all to confusing, but we can't live without them.

Next time, try something like this:

"You know I haven't seen the fellows in a long time, I thought I would go have a few beers with them. But, first, I have something for you. Then, go down on her to let her know she is your top priority. Tell her that you won't be long, and, when you get home, she better be ready to to make love."

--Eddie
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Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Okay, me and this guy have become close to each other but he lives in a different town, which is only like 15 minutes away. I want to hangout with him more, so he can get to know me more. I want a relationship, but I don't want to seem too desperate as in moving fast.....he told me straight up that he doesn't want to be friends, that he wants more, and I understand, but do I do? I really like this guy, but how do i get him to want me more. Like I said, I don't want to seem desperate, but I really like him, and he says he is totally different from any guy I have ever
met...its something I'm not used to-- being treated good... I want that chance with him to show him that i can be different from other girls that he has dated . HELP ME

--Confused Girl
***************

Dear Confused Girl,

Ronnie's Take:

Well, most good relationships take time to develop. Rushing in usually results in problems later. It's like a good bottle of wine or a fine dinner. You don't rush and finish. You take your time and enjoy it. That's part of the excitement, the anticipation of wanting more. Take your time, give some, then slow down some. You and him will enjoy it so much more. The best way I went about new relationships is fun with no expectations. This takes the guard down and allows everybody to be themselves. That's the best way for him to see the person you really are. No expectations-- show him you are independent, not desperate and happy with who you are. Guys love that. That's how I fell in love and now have a great relationship. Don't look desperate and needy, because it makes us run.

Ronnie
*******

Victor's Take:

First, I want you to take a deep breath, slow down, and relax!

You think you are on step 92 (out of 100) and you really are on step 7.

There is nothing that any of us are going to say here to make him like you more or to make it perfectly come together. There is no magic potion or pill he can take to make this work. Here is the best advice I can give you - be yourself. Don't force things, don't change to make him happy and most importantly don't think you can change him. You cannot change him. All you can do is be yourself and believe me - that is good enough! Friendships are important and many strong relationships start with good friendships, especially when we are younger which I know you are.

Be patient and be yourself.

I've said it once, I'll say it a thousand times - guys will come and go, your education and your family are with you forever. Make sure you are focusing on the important things also.

Good luck!

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

It sounds like this guy is into you. Be content with that. Don't focus on the type of girl he wants, or what you can do to get him to like your more. Additionally, don't through yourself at him just to gain his interest. He may jump on the opportunity, but it may paint the wrong picture for him. Be confident, be sexy, and, most importantly, be you. All you can do is be genuine when you are around him. You know what the best part of that is? When you get into a relationship with him, you can still be yourself. If you fake it now, you'll have to fake it later, or hope he likes the real you when your true colors come out.

So, do whatever it is that makes you happy. Don't think you need to force yourself into a mold that you assume he likes. Tell him how you feel, and let the magic happen.

--Eddie
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Is Masturbation a Crime?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I love to masturbate, but I love it even more if someone is watching. I will do it on video chats sometimes hoping many people are watching. I do not care if they are girls or guys I just love cumming for people. I will masturbate at least once a day if not more but I am afraid if I do it on video cam someday I will get in trouble. Can I get in trouble for this if I do it in an adult chat room? Am I sick?

Spanky
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Victor's Take:

Do I think you are sick? No

Do I think your behavior is risky? Possibly

Any behavior can be classified as a problem when it becomes obsessive in nature. You didn't use those words, so I will assume that you are not obsessed with masturbation. If you think you are obsessive, or you think you have a problem (those are words you did use), I would recommend seeing a therapist.

When you are in an adult chat room, how do you know that all of the people in the room are in fact - adults?

Do you show your face when "performing" for your audience? If so, who might be on the other end? Someone you know - a coworker, family member. You are potentially putting yourself in all kinds of precarious positions.

Internet and decency laws vary from state to state (there are also Federal statues as well). If you continue to practice this behavior, I would immediately get educated on all of these laws and become an expert on it.

Your freedom could potentially be at risk.

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

It must be controlled in the right settings. Don't exhibit your display to anybody not wanting to see it or of an inappropriate age. Privately-- have at. It's a personal choice that doesn't affect anyone else. There are groups for you that see things as you do and professional help if you would like to change. Keep it appropriate and do what your heart tells you.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

Well, if masturbation makes you sick, we are all doomed. Like anything in life, obsessive behavior is where the problem lies. Eating is perfectly natural, but excessive eating is problematic. So, ask yourself this question... Do I have a handle on this? If not, there are places to get help. Here is a good start:

http://www.sexualcontrol.com/masturbation-addiction.html

If you can't control yourself, then you have to work hard to occupy your time. Next, avoid putting yourself in the situation that allows that behavior. If you live with someone, maybe you can move the computer, so it is in the open.

It took a huge step for you to even submit this question, so you are definitely concerned with it. The internet has opened up a plethora of gateways into extreme sexual behavior.

Don't think you are alone. There a plenty people out there with sticky keyboards. Masturbation is perfectly natural, and the people watching you made a choice to watch you. The bottom line is that you should never let something control you. Have fun, but know your limits.

-Eddie
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How can I get closer to her?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I read all of your blogs and what you say to people about their problems. My problem is not as big. As in every man's life, there's that girl. Now, I really like this girl I go to school with. I asked her out to homecoming in August/September. Well, she said yes at first, but changed her mind because she just got a new bf. So, being the respectful guy I am; I backed off. Now, (6 months later) she is single again. I want to ask her out,but I'm not entirely sure how. She has been showing signs of being nicer and getting closer. My problem is that I'm not that good looking and she's the girl all the guys want. How do I go into getting closer to her? How do I get her to say yes?

A-M
******

Dear A-M

Ronnie's Take:

The age old question. The unapproachable girl for us average joes. Vic is the master of this. He is fearless when it comes to this. Guess what-- Vic gets turned down a lot. He is 5 ft nothing 100 and nothing as he says. It's like baseball-- 3 out of 10 say yes. Guess what 10 out of 10 say no that you don't ask. Carry yourself with confidence when you approach her. Assume the sale-- just say "I heard you are single now so we can get together for _______ "-- fill in whatever you want to do with her. Rejection does feel bad, and I have felt it a few times, but the pain and frustration of never taking the chance remains with you for a long time. Practice the 1st sentence because that is always the toughest part of a nervous question. As Nike says "just do it"!

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

Ask her out!

Here is my question. How long has she been single for? If it has been less than two months, be careful. You don't want to be the rebound relationship, especially if you feel like she is special.

She said yes once already, right? What makes you think she will not say yes once again?

Looks are not everything. I'm 5' nothing, a 100 and nothing pounds my friend. I look like David Spade. My friends call me the "White Urkel" sometimes... LOL!! Have confidence in yourself.

Take your time. Don't worry about "making her like you". Just be yourself.

A few tips:

1) Listen actively. Let her talk and listen.
2) Look into her eyes when speaking with her.
3) Have faith in yourself and what you have to offer.
4) Focus on your strengths and play to them.
5) Go read the 10 things that every guy should know at www.ask3guys.com

Please, follow up with us! I want to know how it work out.

Good luck!

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

To start, here's a few quotes from Michael Jordan. Now, they aren't about relationships, but it works:

1. "I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying. "

2. "I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. "

3. "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

4. I've never been afraid to fail."

I love number three. Jordan is definitely a basketball great, but he understands that mistakes are inevitable. Not trying is the real failure.

So, lace up your shoes, and get out on the court. Don't ever think you are not good looking enough, or not the right guy. You are who you want to be.

For this girl, I would just try to start hanging out with her. Apparently, the two of you are friends, so work on spending more time with her. Maybe see if she wants to go do something... maybe you have an extra concert ticket or something. Just be yourself and be confident. If you are nervous and timid, you will only hurt your chances. Go in knowing that you are being yourself, and, if it doesn't work out, at least you tried.

Dating is like interviewing applicants for a job. Sometimes you have to see a few before you find the right fit.

You'll be okay.

--Eddie
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Can't get this guy out of my head

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

When I was 16, I met this guy about 6 years older than me. We continued to see each other off and on for about 6 years. I guess you could say he pretty much turned me out. We had mind blowing sex and an amazing connection. (mentally, physically, and emotionally) Eventually some unique circumstances finally ended the relationship for good. Since, we have both moved on to have our own lives, including kids and spouses, we have not seen or spoken to each other in about 5 years. However, I cant seem to stop thinking about him and about us. Do guys have these same thoughts or is it more out of sight out of mind?

Nostalgia
*********

Dear Nostalgia,

Ronnie's Take:

I think but will I again? Yes, it is perfectly normal to have thoughts of the good times of days past. Make sure it's healthy though and not wrecking your relationships of today. You both moved on for reasons and seem to have done what was needed. Enjoy the good memories with a smile on your face and work on improving your new goals and relationships.

--Ronnie
-------------

Victor's Take:

I think everyone has that "one" - that one person that we connected with on every level. The sex was great, the chemistry phenomenal, etc. I know I did, and I am sure that most people reading this do too. I have good news for you. You get past it. There will be a time in the future where you will not think about him nearly as often as you do now. Furthermore, you might actually run into this man again down the road and something funny is going to happen. The shine, the luster - the high regard that you currently hold him is going to lessen.

Other great people are going to come into your life. Make sure your heart and mind are open so that you can allow them in.

--Victor
------------

Eddie's Take:

Chances are, if the relationship was that phenomenal, he probably reminisces about you once in a while as well. I know many people that have moved on, but they have phases when they can't get "the one" out of their head. The person ends up consuming their thoughts, as well as their dreams. What makes us reflect on the past? I wish I knew the answer to that. Our memories are like a giant scrapbook that stores the high times and low times of our lives. Every once in a while, we flip through the pages to reflect on our journey.

As far as your case goes, all I can say is that you should be thankful for the memories, and, if destiny prevails, your paths may end up crossing again.

It is just normal to wonder what could have happened. We all make decisions in our lives that are a result of bad timing.

--Eddie
-----------

How do I avoid hurting a girl?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok so I have myself in a situation I did not want to put myself in. I have been going out with this girl, and we have been having a lot of fun. She has a kid, lives 1.5 hours away, and is in the middle of a divorce. Now she is a great girl, but I am just not ready for such things in my life, and I can't see it going anywhere. Well, this weekend it became apparent that she is getting emotionally connected to me, even though she said she just wants to have fun and nothing more. I don't buy it, she even went to the point of telling me she was obsessed with me and needed to see me more then once every couple weeks. Even joking that I needed to sell my house and move closer to her. How do I let this girl down gently without causing her more heartbreak in her life?

Honorable Guy
**************

Dear HG,

Victor's Take:

Be honest. If you don't make your true feelings known now, the hurt that she will experience down the road will be far greater. Tell her what's on your mind and in your heart. Express to her that the last thing that you want to do is hurt her, and this is why it is so important that you deliver this message. Will she be hurt, disappointed even? Probably, but I promise you this - she will respect you for the truth.

Remember - it is difficult if not impossible for 90% of the population to separate sex and emotion/love.

--Victor
```````````

Ronnie's Take:

I've walked that walk before. I have found that the only thing you can do is be honest and communicate crystal clear. It is up to her. I always felt like keeping the friendship is worth more than hurting the person just to keep up the sex end. Be honest at ever turn. You enjoy the weekend flings because that's what works in your life right now, and there is no room for anything more. If she can't handle that, you understand, and would rather go back to just being friends. The bad part is this even makes them realize how good of a guy you really are and they want you even more-- that's why I said it's up to her, you can't control or change her feelings.

--Ronnie
``````````

Eddie's Take:

If you would have asked me this ten years ago, I would have just told you to avoid her. I admire that you are such an honorable guy that wants to do what is right. I have since evolved from the bad guy I was, so let's see what I would do.

First, just be straight up with her. You can't hold back on your decisions just to spare someone's emotions. Sometimes, you just have to do what needs to be done. This is no different than firing someone. You have to take your feelings out of the equation, as well as understand that time will heal her hurt.

Your second choice is to slowly end things, but you risk the chance of her becoming even more attached to you, so that might not be a good route to take.

Honest communication goes a long way, so just open up to her. The times when we are faced with difficult decisions are the most character-defining moments of our lives.

Good luck.

--Eddie
````````

We broke up, but he still has my stuff.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I was seeing this person for about a year and I finallydecided to call it quits. The question I have is he still has stuff at hishouse that belongs to me and he refuses to give it back. Just an opinionabout how guys think would be nice. There is no turning back for me withthis person, what do you think.

Collateral Damage
****************

Dear Collateral Damage,

Ronnie's Take:

The whole object here is to get your stuff back. Wait a few days. Time helps. Kill him with kindness. A sk him what is he gaining by keeping your stuff. Is it really that important to him? Would he have rather you stayed with him when you saw no future? Challenge him by saying that you thought he would be more mature about this. Be nice about it. Tell him it would be nice to see him again like a friend.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

This is a tough situation. If he is by any chance a phycho, then just forgot about your stuff. There is nothing you can do, short of calling the police, to get your belongings back. If he is a somewhat civilized person, then you have a shot.

First, be nice when you talk to him-- even if you have to grin and bear it. If you have some valuable or sentimental things, try playing on his emotions. Let him know that these things are very important to you, and you wish he would just give them back. Tell him your are not trying to cause any problems, and there's no reason to keep your things just to be mean. Apparrently, he is not over you, and this is his way of trying to get you back. Don't fall for that.

Lastly, if he doesn't cooperate, tell him you have no choice but to take care of this from a legal standpoint. My caveat there is that he may get pissed and destroy your stuff.

In the end, don't put yourself in a difficult situation over material things. Just about anything can be replaced, and, sometimes, ex's can just be retards about doing the mature thing.

Let us know how it worked out.

--Eddie
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Victor's Take:

This is a tough question for me because I am usually the "amiable" break up guy. "Take your stuff, yeah whatever you want to take, I don't care" - that guy. I just never really put any serious value into material things. The sentimental things, that's a different story and a different question.

I assume we are talking about material things with tangible values here like TV's, sofa's, CD's, DVD's, etc.

I would let things cool off and then write him a letter asking him for your stuff back with an itemized list - nicely. Use words like please, appreciate, and help - plenty. Send it certified mail, keep a copy of the receipt as well as a copy of the letter. Tell him in the letter you expect a response within 30 days of the receipt of the letter. If you receive no response within 30 days from him, you next step is small claims court, although another certified letter from a lawyer asking more firmly for your stuff back would be a good second step. Every jurisdiction in the Union has laws that govern these types of situations. Make sure that you can prove most of the stuff that you are claiming is yours. Credit card billing statements, receipts, and affidavits from witnesses that can verify that the items in question are in fact yours would all be helpful in your pursuit.

I hope the two letters work and it will not come to taking your ex to court.

Good luck.

--Victor
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Troubled Marriage... Will it ever work?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I would like to start by saying I like the advice given in the blogs. The 80/20, and how Victor points out exactly what you are saying, letting you know you have the answers being told to you. They just need it to be pointed out by a 3rd party. With all that said...

I have been married for 5.5 years, found out the day we were married how bad the jealousy really was. I would say our marriage is about 50/50 instead of 80/20. I feel like every holiday or around every 3 months since we were married (even on honeymoon) we have questioned our marriage. I know we are still together somewhat because of kids and finances.

Here is another thing though... I'm wondering if I am really questioning my life now because I recently have started talking to a man whom I adored and adored me. I know it's possible to really be truly happy. Am I wasting my life away being married to someone who I don't think is the love of my life? Should I not be so selfish once kids are involved?

Worried Wife
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Dear Worried Wife,

Ronnie's Take:

Broke and self-hapiness is better to me then security and living with someone who is not my life partner.I stayed married for a long time because of kids and finances. Once We finally made the break my relationship with my kids even grow more. The quality time of shared custody was better. Now yes I am wayyyyy broke and lost a house and retirement accounts.I WOULDN'T GO BACK FOR THE WORLD!!!

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

First of all, there is no way that you can be giving your all if you are talking to some other guy. In my book, that is just bullshit. Have you expressed your concerns to your husband? Does he tell you what bothers him to cause his alleged jealousy? I pride myself on being a black and white person when it comes to analyzing problems (hence, the whole analytical guy thing). And, in the decision-making process, I don't operate in a grey area at all. I am this way at work and in life, with friends and with family.

So, don't sugar coat anything. If you are done, then be done. Don't keep dragging him along with some false hope that things may get better. There is nothing that bothers me more than someone that can't speak their heart. Forget the feelings involved. Forget the money. Forget the kids. All of that will work out over time. You just need to lay your cards on the table. Either (A) we are not going to work, and we need to end it, or (B) there are some things that we need to work on if we want our marriage to be a success. Then, open up to him with the same things you expressed to us.

I guess this is just a sore spot for me, because I think emotional relationships (even talking on the phone with a guy you adore) is a form of cheating. More importantly, it is lying. Honesty and trust are the building blocks of a successful relationship. Without one, you can't expect the other.

Now, tell the guy what's on your mind. He deserves that much.

--Eddie
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Victor's Take:

The reasons most often given for people that stay together in bad marriages - finances and children.

Let me say two things. First, do you think your kids don't know you have a bad marriage? If you think no, then you are fooling yourself. Kids see and hear everything. So that begs the next question - do you want your kids to grow up thinking that your marriage is what a good marriage should look like? Or, is not your happiness a key component to providing a loving, stable family unit for your children?

Two, I'd live on Ramen noodles and stay in a 1 bedroom efficiency before I ever stayed in a bad marriage that was making me unhappy.

Before giving up, I highly recommend marriage counseling.

I'll finish with this - this man that adores you and you adore him. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Remember that when making your future decisions.

--Victor
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Disappearing Act

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

What makes guys just disappear? Especially after he just told you that you were the only woman for him and that he loves you and always has.

--MIA
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Dear MIA,

Ronnie's Take:

It's hard to see which guys are sincere and which are just after sex (we lie for sex). Review whats makes you choose a guy and where you are meeting them. Many guys are good guys, but some are bad. If this is a recurring problem, then maybe it's time to look at yourself. Are you getting clingy, do you talk too much (most do and this drives me away), too flirty with other guys, etc. Only you can evaluate your behavior. Don't give up, but a relationship doesn't have anything to do with your happiness or success in life. Be comfortable with who you are, and the rest usually falls in place.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

Guys tell women what they want to hear for one reason: because it works.

I have a friend that is dating a guy; they have been going out for 3-4 weeks now. Two weeks into it, he's calling her "baby" and "honey" and telling her things like "I miss you". After 4 weeks?? Come on...

I always tell women - trust your instincts. If in one sentence he's telling you he loves you, and in the next he saying "goodbye" two things have occurred:

One, he got what he wanted.
Two, aren't you really better off without him? Do you really want someone like that in your life?

If a guy is telling you he loves you on the third date, my advice to you is simple: RUN!

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

I don't understand why women have such a hard time understanding guys. A guy is going to be everything you want him to be in the beginning. It's like dressing nice for a job interview or something. In the courting stage, a man wants you to think that he is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Just like with a job, sometimes the real character, performance, or work ethic isn't seen in an employee until after they get settled in. I have interviewed people that blew me away, but it was all an act. A few months later, they turned out to be horrible employees. So, just know that some guys will talk the talk, but never walk the walk.

If this happens to you often, try not putting too much into their words in the beginning of the relationship. Base everything off of their actions. Look for similar signs that remind you of guys that disappeared.

As for as your specific case, the guy has moved on to something else. I seriously doubt that it is truthfully anything to do with work, or whatever excuse he may give you. When guys leave like this, it doesn't totally close the chapter on the relationship. They figure they can call you with some lame excuse, then you may let him back in-- even if it is just for a booty call. All you can do is decide not to tolerate bull crap like this. Be strong and stand your ground. Don't be fooled by anyone.

Good luck.

--Eddie
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