Am I Stuck on a Merry-Go-Round??

Dear Ask 3 Guys,


I have been seeing this man since March. He is very much an introvert. He does not like to share information about himself. I don't believe he is seeing anyone else. We go about 2 months, then we fight, and we don't talk for about 6 weeks. THEN, we talk, and the same pattern happens over again. My question is, why can someone act as if you never exist? He seems to not care when we are not speaking. I think it is cold. I have tried to get on without him; however, I always want to go back. What do you think?

--Round & Round
***********************

Dear Round & Round,

Victor's Take:

I think you don't care about yourself, for starters. Secondly, you don't pay attention to yourself - your own thoughts and intuition.

Do you want to be in a relationship with an introvert? I'm guessing no...

Being "cold" as you call at or "acting like you never exist" are symptomatic of introversion, are they not?

Love yourself and yourself a big favor, move on.

Good luck to you.


--Vic
*************

Ronnie's Take:

Many people have numerous personal secret issues. Your job is to realize it, and get the hell away. Too many fish in the sea, and life is too short to fight a fight that seems to be a losing battle. Sadly, most women fall in the I'll fix him trap. The truth will hurt many years later when he still hasn't changed.

It's the normal stupid woman plot for some reason. He doesn't care, you can't change that. MOVE ON

--Ronnie
****************

Eddie's Take:

You are correct with one thing-- it is much easier for men for show no emotion when going through break-ups. When a relationship is over, a guy does get emotional; however, he does not show it at all. Most guys just hold in their emotions, unless their are just a sensitive man. I used to be the same way. When a relationship ended, it was like the person was dead to me. I know that seems harsh, but that's how many guys look at it. They simply move on, or stay busy, so they don't think about it. I have seen a few guys get really depressed over women, but they were the ones that were very inexperienced in the first place.

So, if you are seeing a recurring pattern, then just let go. Life is entirely too short to get stuck in a rut.

Focus on finding out who you are, and the right person will fall in your lap.

--Eddie
*************

Why does he smell so good?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My husband recently started wearing cologne to work. Should I be worried? He used to only wear it when we went out, now it is every day.

--Curious
****************

Dear Curious,

Victor's Take:

No. If that is the only change you see, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

However, if other things start popping up - then it might be time to have a conversation.

He maybe just taking more pride in the way that he looks (smells) when he goes to work. That's a positive thing, not a negative one.

Remember the most important tenet of a great relationship: COMMUNICATION.
Keep the lines open, non confrontational, and non judgmental.

--Vic
**************

Ronnie's Take:

Learn to communicate is the big question here. Ask him why. It could be nothing, but I would just keep my senses alert here.

Comfort him as you ask the question. Don't be mean or accusatory.

--Ronnie
*****************

Eddie's Take:

I would not put much thought into it. Did you recently buy him new cologne. It could be that he really likes the way it smells.

I wear cologne to work every day. Some guys just like to wear cologne. That doesn't translate to cheating. Just talk to him and ask him why, but don't be harsh when you do.

You should actually buy him a bottle or two for Christmas.

--Eddie
****************

Also.... Here's a list of the top colognes for 2009...

1. Aqua Di Gio - Giorgio Armani

2. Cool Water – Davidoff

3. Fierce – Abercrombie

4. Le Male - Jean Paul Gaultier

5. Polo Sport - Ralph Lauren

6. Dolce & Gabbana - D&G

7. Hugo - Hugo Boss

8. Eternity - Calvin Klein

9. Obsession For Men - Calvin Klein

10. Emporio Armani - Giorgio Armani

Do Guys Ever Regret Anything?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I feel devastaded. I ended my relationship with a guy whom I was close to marrying, but didn't, because at the end, it turned out he was "not prepared", and he would just pick fights, so I would leave him. His school and his music were/are, the most important things to him. So anyhow, I left him 9 months ago. Long time, huh? So, I just found out today that he left law school and moved to a different city to pursue music. HE WOULD HAVE NEVER IN ONE MILLION YEARS DONE THAT FOR ME!!

I do not know how I feel right now. His school was the most important thing, and now he's moving to a different place to pursue music? He would not even move a finger for me!!!

So, please give me a logical explanation!! And, while you are at it, please tell me why guys are so careless!!

Why can you guys have a woman that cares about you and loves you with all that she has, and if the "time" isn't right, you just don't appreciate her!

And, how can you let someone that loves you with all she has just walk out of your life?

DOES THE WORD REGRET EVEN EXIST TO GUYS!!!!!!?????????????????

--One Hit Wonder
****************************

Dear One Hit Wonder,

Victor's Take:

Wow... where do I start.

1) Sometimes love isn't enough.
2) Just because a guy doesn't love you back doesn't make him careless or not regretful.

You said that "his school and that his music where the most important thing to him", but yet, you get all shocked when he moves away to pursue his passion. Why?

Maybe he did you a favor. It seems like you have all of the unconditional (I would disagree) love to give. He was not able to accept it, for whatever reason, so now you have an opportunity to give it to someone who will appreciate it.

Bottom line, you are going to grow up and mature emotionally over the next five to ten years, and you will look back on this event not like a mountain, but a speed bump of life.

Do yourself the ultimate favor: LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, then move forward with your life...

Good luck to you.

--Vic
*************


Ronnie's Take:

You should need no answer. Move on! It's been 9 months. Sometimes people just aren't in love, or have the passion for the same things in life. You really have to release this. 9 months later-- move on. Don't take it personal, it's usually not.

--Ronnie
*****************


Eddie's Take:

Yes-- guys do have regret; however, they do a great job of keeping their emotions bottled up. There is no magic spell that you can cast upon someone to make them fall in love with you. The bottom line is that he chose not to be with you. I'm not sure of any easier way to put it.

Instead of insisting that he did not appreciate you, take time to determine the root cause(s) that aided in driving you two apart. If music was his love, did you support it, or did you constantly complain that you were taking the back seat to it? Sometimes, you can drive someone away by not supporting their passions.

A while back, we had a similar question from someone that was dating an author. She was tired of his traveling, and she felt like she was no longer a priority in her life. The good news is that she understood that the success brought by his book's popularity would require him to travel. In the end, she made sacrafices to make it work, and now she's happy.

When it comes to the things that a man wants to do, the best thing to do is support them. My wife is not a fan of golf at all, but, since she knows I enjoy playing, she buys me golf accessories every holiday.

It sounds like this guy is out of life now, so I would focus on finding out who you are. Find happiness within yourself, and learn to understand that we cannot make someone love us.

--Eddie
*****************

Back on the Grind

Now that the Thanksgiving break is over, it's time to get back on the grind. Many of you have had time off to spend with your family for Thanksgiving.

We just want to get some dialogue going on how everything went for you.

Did you eat too much?

Are you still munching on leftovers?

Did you do all, or some, of the cooking?

Did you have to spend time with your significant other's family? How'd that go?

Did you go out of town? How did the traveling go?

Did you do any shopping for Black Friday? What type of good deals were out there?

Now, are you ready for Christmas?

Tell us all about it...

We'll be posting a new question with 3 great responses shortly. We just wanted to touch base with everyone, and, if you are new to Ask 3 Guys, be sure to read some of our previous posts to see what we are all about.

Also, don't forget to check out the website. Hit up www.ask3guys.com to read the latest, or you can submit an anonymous question that we will each answer.



With the holiday season shortly approaching, we will be looking into some of the most popular gifts for him and her. Let us know if you already have some ideas on that.


Also, don't forget about our sponsors. Show them your support. Visit their website, or stop by to check them out.


And, in case you haven't noticed, Ask 3 Guys is very close to hitting our one year anniversary. Yep, we just kicked this thing off last December. Since then, we have answered a ton of questions, from all topics. We've learned that no topic is taboo, and no problem is the same. People deal with all sorts of issues, and, hopefully, we have helped to shed a little light on solving their problems. In the process, we've learned a good bit about ourselves too.


So, how do you think we did so far? We welcome any feedback that can help us to improve. We just surpassed 1000 friends, and we get new ones everyday. We also kicked off a FaceBook page that you can be a fan of. Our site traffic has stayed pretty consistent, and it has been great to have businesses interested in advertising on our site.

Remember, we are here to help people, and, as long as questions are submitted, we will keep on answering them. We hope that 2009 has been nice to you, and we are ready to kick off 2010 with you.

As always.... thanks for stopping by!

Ask 3 Guys
Eddie, Ronnie, & Vic
www.ask3guys.com

Can I ever forgive him?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Can you ever really forgive a spouse for cheating? Can you get past the infidelity and have a strong relationship and marriage?


--Torn
***************

Dear Torn,

Victor's Take:


The short answers – it depends.

Forgiving is not about your spouse, it is about you. The word forgiveness is about self at its core, not about another’s actions. So, can YOU forgive them?

I think there will always be people – both men and women – that cannot, will not ever fully forgive a spouse for infidelity. That’s ok, because there are no wrong answers here. Your feelings and your emotions are yours to have.

I think the important thing here is to recognize what type of person YOU are. Can you truly forgive, or can’t you? If you cannot truly forgive and put it past you, you have no choice – cut the cord and move on. It is the right thing to do. You will never have a healthy relationship, as your underlying resentment will continue to create problems in the marriage.

If you can truly forgive – great. Do so fully and completely. Move forward and don’t look back.

I can tell you 100% of the time (in my experience, from the people I talked to) a spouse doesn’t decide to go out and have an affair for no reason. There are ALWAYS reasons. Get to the bottom of those problems, solve those issues and a happy relationship moving forward is possible.

Ultimately, be true to yourself and be able to admit weakness if it is the case. If you cannot truly forgive, move on! It is the best thing you can do not only for you, but for your spouse as well.

I would forgive my spouse, but that’s me. Forgiveness is a decision you need to make.

Good luck to you…


--Victor
::::::::::::::::::::::


Ronnie's Take:

Yes you can is the first answer. Is it very tough? YES

It takes two committed people. First, the adulter must be completely committed to making it work. The adulter must be completely honest about why they did it. The adulter must be a complete open book. They must be okay with text messages,emails, cell phone records being checked randomly at any time. This trust factor must be regained.

The partner must NOT continue to throw it up in their face. It must be dropped and given a true chance. It must not be the excuse for every fight that comes up after the fact. The partner must allow the adulter to be truly honest for the reason of cheating. NOTHING justifies cheating, but there are factors that can lead to cheating. Some factors the partner can help with. Some factors come strictly within the adulter.

I'll give the example of my ex-wife and I. We both cheated on each other. I was insecure in myself, growing up as a short, fat, shuddering red-head. My ex-wife wasn't affectionate. I took this as rejection and seeked out acceptance where ever I could find it. We both had issues to work on in this case.

My x-wife cheated out of jealousy. I was always the center of attention because of my personality. Even her close friends became very close friends of mine. Her way of getting attention and feeling good about herself was cheating. It was the only way she knew to get them to like her more than me.

We were married for 12 yrs and tried hard to overcome the infidelity. We had some very happy, fun times together as a couple, as we tried restoring our marriage. We forgave, but we couldn't get over our personal insecurities which led to more infidelity on both parts.
Is it possible? YES! Will it take an awesome amount of commitment and openness on both parts? YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!

--Ronnie
::::::::::::::::


Eddie's Take:

Seems like Ronnie and Vic had plenty to say about this one. Since I am the only Guy out of the 3 married, I will try my best to answer your question.

The thing that you don't want to hear is--- it depends. But, it does. We all have a different level of forgiveness. Are you someone that will always feel betrayed because you were cheated on? Does the fact that he cheated constantly monopolize your thoughts? Do you think he still cheats? There are so many questions that you have to ask yourself.

If most of those answers are yes, then I would say that you are the type of person that cannot forgive him. In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to give 100%. He has to work to gain your trust, and you have to learn to trust that he is being sincere.

For me, infidelity would be a deal-breaker. If it gets to that point, I would never want to continue a relationship with my wife. I just couldn't do it.

The bottom line is that we have only one life to live. Don't spend your life in a situation that you will regret when you reflect back your memories. It's not like you can try again. Focus on spending your life the way you picture it. Don't sell yourself short for anyone.

Good luck.

--Eddie
::::::::::::::::::

How do I get started?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,


Ok, so I need some advice, and this will be simple for you three lovely gentlemen, I'm sure, as you seem to have been hugely successful in your own endeavor.

Eddie, you know me pretty well. I'm sure you know that I'm very intelligent, but I sometimes have lack of focus and organization, but since I already know you, I'm hoping to get some perspective from all of you.

I want to start a sociologically-based book club (i.e. politics, social & world affairs, physical/emotional abuse, drugs, etc.). I've been wanting to do this for a good while now, but for some reason while reading my emails last night, something clicked inside my head and I had this overwhelming feeling to just do it. I need to get this project started and stop sitting on my ass just thinking about doing it. However, I have no idea how to really get started.

I've posted bulletins on both MySpace and Facebook to see how much interest I can generate, and, while I've had a few positive responses, I have also received a good bit of responses from people who just don't seem too fired up. I was thinking of printing flyers and posting them up around different college campuses in the area just to set up an initial meeting. That way, I'll have a chance to explain, on a much deeper level, my ideas and maybe get some people more interested.

Another thing, I don't have a place to really hold these discussions. A girl I know on student gov't at my school(Nunez) said she'd bring my idea to everyone's attention at the student gov't meeting today, and she said she may be able to convince them to give me a classroom one night every other week.

But, if that doesn't work out, then what? I can't hold too large of a group of people at my house, and parking would be impossible.

I don't want to charge extensive fees, as this is supposed to be fun and sort of like an escape from tedious everyday activities.

Obviously, I have to charge dues, so I can order the books online, but they'll be second-hand from an online bookstore, like Amazon. So how much should the dues be? Ballpark?

Basically, I think I may be in over my head. I mean, I think I can do it, it's just a matter of not knowing how.

Any help or advice you guys could give me would be amazing, and greatly appreciated!

Thanks so much!

KareBear
*****************

Dear KareBear,

Victor's Take:

I too, a while back, tried to start a book club. I love to read and write, so I reached out all of my MySpace friends (at the time, Facebook was in its
infancy) and got ZERO response.

I think you have some good ideas. I think flyers on college campuses is one.
Also, I would continue to reach out to my MySpace and Facebook families.

Don't worry about ordering the books yourself. I would have an option for members to buy their own books or you can order the books for them, only after collecting the money. Why take on more responsibility than you need to?

As far as meeting - I think this is the biggest challenge and may be why a bunch of people are not buying in. People are busier now than they have ever been - school, work, kids... Why not consider an alternative option like an online meeting? GoToMeeting.com is a great site, reasonably priced and here is where you need to collect your dues (number of members / cost of monthly site membership = dues to be collected). Also, by having online meetings, you open your club up to many, many more people...

There is an old saying: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
Don't try to do it all at once, a sense of failure or being overwhelmed will set in. Take it one step, one member at a time.

Good luck to you...

--Victor
******************

Ronnie's Take:

I would go to some social groups and organizations and ask to hand out flyers or give a presentation at the meetings. Flyers at gyms might work also. Also flyers, and help from Barnes n Nobles or Borders. I think they would be happy to help. I would avoid telling them the amazon connection, but, either way, having readers come to their place of business would interest them.

Your biting of a lot just for a fun interest. You must set the prices based on your time invested. Ask 3 Guys was a fun time investment that became a handful with little return. I still enjoy it, but expect that outcome also. Which leads me to you could advertise on the Ask 3 Guys website (we are real cheap LOL).

--Ronnie
***************

Eddie's Take:

Good for you for having the ambition to bring your dreams to fruition. When delving into any new endeavor, it is smart to perform a SWOT analysis to ensure that all factors are considered. The analysis identifies the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats associated with you plan. It sounds like you are on the right track; however, the initial steps required to start something are much more difficult than developing the concept.

With Ask 3 Guys, we were very lucky. Over a few beers, we kicked an idea around about giving advice to people via a website. After looking into it, I found out how inexpensive it would be to start the site. Less than a week later, we went live. Of course, it has not been a cake walk. We have struggled with maintaining the desired amount of traffic, but we are still hopeful.

My caveat to you is that you should not even worry about what your friends or family suggest. Even if they are all for it, their participation would be highly unlikely (I speak from experience with A3G). We have a few close people that have been with the site from the beginning, but most of our avid readers are people we do not personally know.

So, if I were you, I would look into doing something over the internet. Start a small social network that allowed people to discuss the book of the month or something. Websites are cheap, and you can even start it out with myspace or facebook to see what kind of interest you get. Post flyers at coffee shops... that would be a great place to start.

Once you get the message out there, be prepared to put in your time. You never know, it could blow up.

Good luck,

Eddie
**************

Is He Done With Me.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hi guys. I've been dating this guy for 5 years and it seems that he is losing interest in me or doesn't appreciate me anymore. Is it the beginning of the end?


--Leftovers
*****************

Dear Leftovers,

Ronnie's Take:

It's very possible. Limited info on the situation.

What do you want out of the relationship at this point? I'll assume because of you asking that you want to stay in the relationship.

Be non-threatening, and act like it's your idea. You feel that you two have become stagnet and want to change up things and bring back the excitement. Ask him for ideas and then you give some ideas. Make it fun Good luck!

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

It could be.

Have you sat down and communicated your feelings to him, in a emotional stable state of mind? (no whining, complaining, crying, etc.)

If so, what were his answers and do they make sense? I think many women, in attempt to find hope where there is none, overanalyze what guys REALLY say.
Do you listen to what he really says?

People grow apart all of the time, and while in your mind this may seem like the end of the world, it never is. In my experience, I find when one door closes, five open. Not only does adversity make you stronger, but you see the world in a different way.

Sit him down and have the discussion. Don't get up until you have the answers and really listen, don't interpret or overanalyze.

Good luck to you..

--Victor
*************

Eddie's Take:

The freshness of a relationship can sometimes find itself lost after several years. This often happens in marriages-- espectially when we have kids. Try not to nag him about it, since that can actually make things work. Try to understand how much he has going on in life, and, most importantly, just continue to show him what you think he wants. Just please don't nag about it, because it has a counter affect on some guys. In marriage, the 5th year is a tough one. In life, we end up complacent in many things we do. Relationships are no different. If he is over you, then there's nothing you can do. If not, he may just need a little refresher to remind him of what he has.

--Eddie
*************

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

First of all, I wanted to say that I really enjoy visiting your site. Thank you for introducing me to the wonders of GoGirl! Not sure if I want to use it, but it's nice to know it's out there! I also read the Top 10 Things Every Man Needs to Know. Regarding Victor's Rule #2: Instead of a bar, try spending time at Starbucks, Whole Foods, or even the Mall to meet women. Would you also say this would be a good place for a woman to meet a man? Whenever I'm in Starbucks, Whole Foods, or the Mall, and I see an attractive guy, I think either he's busy or attached. I agree that a bar is not an ideal meeting spot, but usually it's easier to start a conversation there. What are your thoughts on a woman approaching a man who might be busy shopping? Is that too bold? I look forward to your answer and I'm also a fan of Ask 3 Guys on FaceBook.

--Juliet
*******************

Dear Juliet,

Ronnie's Take:

It would be refreshing. Come off very soft as though it's not normal for you, but as though you are working on your openness. Did that make sense? LOL You have nothing to lose and probably would never see the person again... unless he was interested too!

--Ronnie
****************

Victor's Take:

Go for it!!! A few things...

A man's ego needs to be stroked, even in the lightest ways. See him looking at a product on the shelf? Walk up and ask him a question about that or something that you picked up. "Excuse me, have you ever tried _____ before?"
You want his opinion and value it = ego stroke!

A guy at a bookstore or a coffee shop reading a book, "Excuse me, I was thinking about picking that book up. I have heard some good things. What do you think about it?"

It's easier to start a conversation at a bar because we are all buzzing and our defenses are down.

Look, I think I am very confident person. My friend told me one time, "You make coffee nervous." Another offered this opinion, "You have more game then Milton Bradley." I'm STILL a little nervous anytime I approach a woman! I think this fear is mostly unwarranted, back from your school days when kids were just mean to kids. Today, people - men and women both, don't want to be mean to each other. So, chances are, even if that stranger you approached wasn't really into you, they don't want to be mean. Take a chance!

Good luck to you!

--Vic
*************

Eddie's Take:

First, thanks for your kind words. We are glad that you have enjoyed our responses. And, as far as the GoGirl, I would keep it at arm's length.

In response to your question, of course you should attempt to strike up a conversation with someone that you would like to meet. As people, some of us fear rejection; however, that is more likely in the male species. The good thing about you approaching a man is that is what we would love. Far too often, guys have no clue if a woman is into them, so it would be a nice surprise for guys to get noticed. I seriously doubt that you would get any negative feedback. And, who knows, you may end up with a lifelong friend... or even more.

--Eddie
**************

I sent you an IM, but you didn't respond

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been really flirtatious with a friend online (which I don't really see much, only sometimes). We flirted a lot online (really a lot). The thing is that, recently, he doesn't speak to me the same as before, and I don't know why. I've tried to ask him why this is, telling him that maybe his msn was wrong, but he only said "haha yeah maybe". What can I do? Do you think I'm too dependent on the internet?

--IM Girl
*****************

Dear IM Girl,

Victor's Take:

Maybe something changed in his life that he doesn't want to share with you.

He might have a girlfriend or the like. He should be honest and upfront about those things, but unfortunately - people withhold the truth all the time. It's happened to me numerous times, and, although I know that in their heart their intentions were good, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You cannot force him to tell you.

On another note, I think the Internet is in some ways effecting our social skills overall. If you spend your whole life online, how can you have a decent set of social skills? It sounds to me like you might be falling into that trap.

Remember, life is all about balance and moderation.

--Vic
***********

Ronnie's Take:

Seems like he views you in a different light now. Almost judgemental. Maybe he viewed you as a good girl and now he knows your bad-- LOL. You busted his fairytale, and that's his hangup.

Move on, next!!!!

--Ronnie
*************

Eddie's Take:

Yes, you are too dependent on the internet. Do yourself a favor-- stop analyzing things so much. It is not uncommon for someone to appear interested, or even single, when you are talking to them via the internet. My take is that he was busted by his girlfriend, and now she is monitoring his internet behavior. Sounds like you are making this way bigger than it really is. You guys flirted online, now it is over. You did nothing different, so he is the root cause. Just let it go. Don't fall for traps like this. Instead, focus on finding happiness within yourself. People make stupid decisions each day. Learn from them, move on, and improve your shady-character-detecting-skills.

--Eddie
***********

Did I Say (or Txt) something Wrong???

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I broke up with my ex 4 months ago but it was over a long time before we offically moved out of our unit and went our seperate ways. It has now been offically 3 months since the actual moving out and moving on.

Anyways I met someone who i have a lot in common with. It was amazing and while i wasnt realy wanting to get into another relationship (this last one was 5 yrs long and included an engagement) I was finding myself wanting to spend time with this person and I suppose just see what happened in time.

This person i therefore started to 'see/date' was very into me but i explained my past relationship and how i wasnt 'ready just yet'-- he was ok with this. He became very smitten though and would txt/call a lot and we would hang out once or twice a week. Over this time i began to get to know him and saw we had so much in common, he made me laugh and through his txts and phone calls encourged me to let my guard down a bit. He told me he had feelings for me a few times and in the past couple weeks and I told him i felt the same which i did but we both agreed to just take it as it comes. we have not had sex btw.

so anyways he has an ex gf who he had a 'one last time' with and she became pregnant. she is on a student visa and is from a poor country. he broke up with her as she is very mean and not a nice person (his words not mine). her visa issue runs out at the end of the year. This info did not bother me to begin with as we were 'just friends' but now obviously it is a big complication as i now have felings for him.

anyways so after 'dating' him for 5 weeks he tells me she had given him an ultimatium: to get back with her and she will stay in our country or she will move back to her home country on the other side of the world and have their child there. I know all of this is true btw. and i understand her point of view as she is pregnant and has no family here etc. he does support her and take her to dr appointments etc but does not want to be with her as they tried for a very long time and she was never willing to work with him on things etc.

so as soon as he was given this ultimatium (which he told me about as it happened) i felt worried for him and pretty sure he would go back to her. I was scared of getting hurt but knew this was a HUGE issue and whatever decision he made i would fully support and understand. He kept telling me how amazing i was and i telling him. We both seemed to really like one another. I did back off a bit as to let him have some space to 'think' about his decision. It was hard knowing whether to give space or not. He had to make the decision that night as her parents wanted to book the ticket.

The next day he txt me saying ' i hope i didnt make you angry last night talking about ex'. I replied saying 'angry? no, not at all. of course not. i love that your being honest with me etc etc'. and i honestly wasnt angry at all! we txt back and forth a bit more, him telling me he was so confused, didnt know how to make the decision, he felt it was the end but couldnt be an ass to his kid. his heart was confused. he hated himself etc etc. i tried to offer support, told him to not hate himself and that it was a hard decision and i hoped he would be ok etc. we then just txt about every day stuff and things seemed ok for the situation anyways.

anyways i didnt txt him at all next day and he didnt me as he had an ultra sound with the ex. at 4pm the day after that he txt me saying 'do you hate me yet? sorry been crazy couple of days". i wrote back sayin of course i didnt hate him and that i knew he had a lot on his mind and that is why i was giving him space and asked if he was ok. he did not reply.

to be honest i started thinking negative thoughts like, ok he's back with ex because he had to make the decision by the other day and he just doesnt know how to tell me its over etc. I wanted to be supportive but was scared he was back with her and just not letting me know as it was NOT like hi at all to not txt me and def not like him to not reply but i know he had a lot on his mind, yet it still made me feel uneasy as i do have feelings for him.

so the next morning i txt saying ' im confsed,whats happening, i hope everything is ok...'.

i know, i know bad idea! just my negative thoughts had got the best of me! He did not reply.

that night i sent a txt sayin 'hey...ok i get the hint'. Now i honestly did not mean this as sarcastic as it sounded. i meant it like ok, u can ttell me its over, i get it;/ i was more sad then anything.

no reply until the next day around 2pm where he said 'k. so so sorry. had power surge at my place last night , killed almost everything..so so sorry....'

i txt back albeit quite a few hrs later ( i was in meeting alllll day) sayin 'sorry, phone was off, what r u sorry for?" again, no reply.

the next day i wrote him a txt sayin that i just wanted him to be happy and i knew he had a lot going on and that if he didnt want to see me /talk to me i would understand because his position and to just let me know. i said i hoped things were ok and if i didnt hear from him i would figure he didnt want to see me/talk to me. no reply.

again i didnt mean this sarcasticly, i was just trying to make it easy for him.

This has been a really hard situation as i have told him i hate talkin about stuff over txt as i am not good at it n worry things can b misinterpreted etc. It has also been hard mostly because i didnt know what to do, to give him space or not, to just wait until he contacted me even if weeks later, and i also didnt want to bother him as he had so much on his mind yet i worried it was over and he just wasnt or didnt know how to tell me (this has happened to me many times in past).

Now i feel incredibly selfish for sending those last two txts when he has so much on his mind.

do you think this is why he as not got back to me? he thinks im selfish?

in the past i have told him that i refrain from talking about how i feel at times as i dont want to put more stress on him etc. he told me i should always tell him as my feelings are valid too.

he has gone from txtn/callin me few times day every day saying things like 'your beyond amazing' 'you make me smile too much this is happiest i been in so so long' etc to just not replying but i kow he has a lot on his plate but at same time i worry im just not getting the hint, you know!?

so i sent him another txt sayin ' im just worried, r u ok? just its not liek u to just not reply. have i done something wrong? if i have im sorry, i didnt mean to, if u thought i didnt/dont care, thats wrong cos i do. if you cant see me again i understand but know i will be sad n wish it wasnt the case but of course totally understand! I just want you to know i miss you, think your amazing, i thought i had nothing left to give after last rship and i found myself giving with you and it was so so nice. i hadnt been happy like this in long time, i just want you to know if you ever need/want me im here'.

no reply.

now everyone had told me he just wasn t interested didnt know how to tell me. but I really didnt thnk he was that type person....he chased me, encouraged me to put my guard down saying how amazing i was, kissing me for hours n then sayin 'i so have feelings for you' saying how i made him smile all time at work, how suportive i was etc etc. how i was what he wants in girl n all the boxs were ticked etc etc.

i worry i have screwed up a good thing by being paranoid and pushy.

a couple of guys have told me a guy can get put off easily by a girl and that turn off can be as strong as the original turn on and that its over.

i wish i had of just given him space and waited for him to tell me. it was my guy friend originally who said that his txts about having crazy couple of days and so sorry power surge etc we're his ay of letting me down gently. thats what encouraged me to send thos last two txts about where we stood etc kinda fing.

was i way in the wrong? am i a selfish person? we're his non informative txts letting me know it was over n i was right to send those last two txts as a result?

i feel so bad n selfish n unsuportive!

is it definetly over? he last txt me a week ago friday so now week n half ago.

is there anything else i can do? i know i cant txt him anymore etc as already on verge of stalker hahaha, but if i have just made him mad and thats why hes not talking to me is there anything i can do to show i didnt mean harm or whatever? can i /should i apologise?

thanks for any advice. I really appreciate it!!!

--Longwinded
*********************

Dear LW,

Ronnie's Take:

Wow I think you win longest question. LOL. Paranoid fit pretty well. You did nothing wrong. He was in a tuff situation and handled it the best way he knew how. Who knows what decision he made, but it obviously wasn't you. Having that guard up is bad. Learn to roll with things. Make sure you love yourself first and foremost. Remember you never thought you would meet this guy. Guess what? People say that all the time and meet somebody else. People feel like when relationships end, they can never go on. Guess what? Millions of people break up and fall in love with someone else again. It might take time, but it will happen. Think back to all the ex's you were in love with. Is it the end of the world? No... of course not.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

This is a text (pardon the pun) book example of why texting about feelings and emotions and having long drawn out conversations about them just shouldn't be done. It is so easy for things to get misconstrued. But, in this case, that was not the problem. You were not selfish and you did not do anything wrong. I would have picked up the phone and communicated, but I don't think it would have made a difference in this case.

He is back together with his ex. No more texts, no more calls... let it lie and move on. I know it is going to be difficult, but it is the right thing to do. This man is not a bad man, but has an understandably conflicted heart and he needs to deal with that completely before he can focus on anyone else.

I wish you all the best going forward...

--V
**********

Eddie's Take:

Man, you have a lot to say. This whole texting thing is such a pet peeve of mine. Pick up the freaking phone an call. Texting and this Gen-Y shorthand lingo has stripped us of actually having an intelligent conversation. I use texting to say a few things, but what is wrong with picking up the phone. That way, you don't have to worry about your message being misconstrued (sorry Vic, I see you used that one too).

So, get over the lol, omg, lmao, btw, n whtvr elz it iz dat smz so gr8 bout txtn.

As far as you and the immigrant-banger. Just let the dude go. Sounds like the timing is way off for you guys right now. Be there for support, but don't chase him-- it actually looks desperate and tasteless to guys. Work on being strong and confident in who you are.... the rest will fall in to place.


BTW... A3G duz not answr qustns submtd by txt... L-O-freaking-L.

--Eddie
**************

My Ex-boyfriend

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Three days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend TJ because he was just treating me badly. He's in the closet, big time. He was raised as one of those Jesus freaks, so it was hard on me anyway. I know I kind of ruined the relationship because after that heres what happened. I felt bad because I broke up with him spur of the moment, and he said he didn't want a relationship for a while. Well this was strange but I went along with it for a few hours, then I asked if he still felt the same. Since I did I thought it would be cute for him to say that. He then said that he has no love for me anymore. Well I thought that was crazy, so I got mad.. WAY mad. I told all of his friends he was gay (he's 19.. and not out >.>) including his room mate. They were all really cool with it, and I proved it to them. (pictures, information) So I talked to him that day about what I did. He then went on to say that god had made him straight. That in itself is the biggest crock of shit in the whole world. I think about it and I see where I went wrong, but I want to fix it! I was talking to his room mate about it last night and he said he would try to talk to TJ, but all TJ says to anyone is "I'm not gay!" So I'm not getting my hopes up.

I would like to have you guys set me a plan to get him back, I really want him back >.<.
He was my first for EVERYTHING, and even though I wasn't his first, and when I think about him with other people it makes me sick, I still care for him.. Can you please help me on what to do? He's one of the most important people in my life.


--Guy
************

Dear Guy,

Victor's Take:

I imagine there was a time before you were “out” and kept your sexual preferences secret. How would you have felt if someone you knew, cared about, or even loved did the same thing to you? I’m guessing devastated.

There were already major roadblocks in your relationship with him – “Jesus Freak”, the fact he was not “out”. Remember, everything in life happens for a reason. Maybe, just maybe, that occurred here.

If you want to get back with him, I would recommend writing him a letter – for starters. Share with him the things you mentioned in your question. Be honest and open, be apologetic and vulnerable… most importantly, share with him how you really feel about him. See where it goes from there.

Good luck…

--Vic
***********

Ronnie's Take:

This is a reason so many people are stuck in bad relationships-- The fear of loss drives people to do strange things.

First, you complain how miserable you were with him. Then, all of a sudden, you can't live without him. You seem to be young. BREAK this behavior now. I promise you that you will meet somebody else that you think is great over a matter of time. He has too much baggage for a 19yr old. RUN from a relationship with him. Suck it up for a few weeks. You will miss him, and all the cute things he did. Keep him as a friend... ONLY if you would like.

This is all a great part of growing up.

--Ronnie
**************


Eddie's Take:

Guy, readers, people, world.... Get this through your heads... YOU CAN'T FORCE SOMEONE TO BE WITH YOU.

I just don't get it. You totally threw this guy under the bus by exposing his gay card. Coming out of the closet is a big step for gay people, and to have it exposed against their will is just not cool. Anyone in their right mind would be pissed at you.

Now he has to constantly defend his sexuality to his friends and family. Did you think that maybe he just wasn't ready to open that can?

Sounds like you may have dug too deep of a hole this time. All I can say is give it time. Let the smoke clear, then try to communicate with him.

If he's done with you, move on. Don't become a stalker.

--Eddie
**************

Go Girl...

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have an itch and an odor downstairs, and I have been using the Go Girl product. Do you think it is the cause of my problem? At this point, any information is helpful and needed urgently. I can't take the smell! Do you think others can smell it too?

Please help!

--Go Girl
*******************

Okay everyone,

Befor we answer the question, we want to make sure that everyone understands what the Go Girl product is. Of course, we had to research this one, and we were definitely surprised. Why would a woman need this anyway?

Here's some information from the Go Girl website:


Ok, so what’s a GoGirl?

Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to urinate while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic.GoGirl is easy to use. Just lower your panties, and put GoGirl against your body, forming a seal. Aim and, well, pee. Pretty simple, huh?

GoGirl fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment. It’s a must for travel and sports. And it’s great for everyday––no more crouching over or trying to cover up an unsanitary public toilet.

While the concept may be new to you, European women have used female urination devices for years. GoGirl’s not the first device of its kind. But try it. And we think you’ll agree it’s easily the best.

Only GoGirl is made with flexible, medical grade silicone. Dispose of it after use. Or clean and reuse as you like. (Urine is sterile, but the product can come into contact with contaminates during use, so take precautions when cleaning.) Our patented splash guard eliminates messing and spilling. Once you practice a time or two, using a GoGirl is going to feel like second nature. You won’t be like a man. You’ll just pee like one;">**************************************************

Dear Go Girl,

Victor's Take:

I had to look up the GO GIRL product online, I tell you... who knew?

No, this is not the cause of your problem. You need to see a gynecologist immediately.

My best friend who is a nurse thinks you might have a case of bacterial vaginosis. This is an infection that occurs when the good bacteria is overcome by the bad bacteria. It can cause odor, discharge, frequent urination, etc. and can be resolved with a prescription vaginal cream that will be given by a doctor. Your doctor will give you a test to determine if this is your issue.

Go to the doctor!

Good luck,

--V
************

Ronnie's Take:

I don't know of a direct corelation between the two, and I can't find any with some research. I would stop using it and see if the smell and itch go away. First and foremost though, see a doctor. It could be dangerous and will definitely ruin your sex life.

--Ronnie
**************

Eddie's Take:

Yes others can smell it. If you can smell it, they can smell it. I, honestly, had no clue what the Go Girl was, and I was blown away when I went to the website. Is it that important to pee standing up? Do you actually carry this thing in your purse when you go out. My obvious take on this is that the device is dirty. I don't know what kind of cleaning rituals you have, but any left over urine, or germs in general, can result in the growth of bacteria. Then, you are using this thing over and over again. Hello-- that is just foul.

So, be like the rest of the women, and learn to hover. Or, go places where they have cleaner restrooms.

No one likes it when someone's special place is smelly, so take care of it. See a doctor, because you probably have something going on in there that requires their expertise.

Adios!

--Eddie
**************

Student-Teacher Affairs

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am a 21 year old college student, and I may be having an affair with my professor. It started when I saw him in the local coffee shop and asked what kind of format his exams were in (multiple choice, essay, etc.). He said he had some old exams in his office from the previous semester to help me prepare. So the following day, I went to his office, we began chatting about trivial things, like my major and college life. He is only 28 years old, single and fresh out of graduate school; we had a lot in common. Soon, we began regular study sessions at the local coffee shop (other students were included most of the time). Recently, I began spending more and more time at his apartment-- just watching tv, cooking dinner, studying, and sometimes I fell asleep there.

My college strongly discourages student-teacher relationships, but has not adopted a policy to prevent it.

I'm not receiving any favors. We definitely have established a separation between our school relationship and personal relationship. I didn't do so well on his first test, and that just made him want to help me more. The age difference is only about seven years. I have friends with much bigger age gaps between their partners. He will only be my professor until the end of December. Should we stop seeing each other until I pass his class?

Part of me says I should end this. But the other part of me says I have never met a man that has made me feel so good. He tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent. My last boyfriend never went to college and truly wasn't that smart. So it's nice to have an intelligent conversation with someone you like.

I have only been seeing him for about six weeks. There has been no sexual advances (He refuses to even kiss me until I let him know I am ready for that next step). He constantly tells me that if I ever feel uncomfortable, we can stop hanging out. But, I never do. We end every night together with a hug and a kiss on the cheek or forehead.

The attraction I have to him just gets bigger and bigger every time I see him. I really don't want it to stop.

--Teacher's Pet
*****************

Here's what the Guys think:

Dear T.P.,

Victor's Take:

I know I might catch some flak for this answer, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. Nothing. If I were in the same position, I would absolutely go for it.

I think you need to tread lightly and watch your boundaries - keep school and your personal time separate (no different than an office romance), but I say - go for it. It is hard enough in the world to find someone you click with, and have that true deep connection. Also, it sounds as if you have a very mature way of thinking about this situation and are handling it perfectly.

I say - keep on keeping on. Be careful, respect each other's space, keep school time and personal time separate... and have fun.

Life is too short....

--V
********

Ronnie's Take:

You both seem mature enough to handle this. One college course out of your life time shouldn't hold back a relationship with such great potential. In the big picture, neither of you have ill intent for the relationship, and, come December, it will be no issue anyway. No big deal here.

--Ronnie
**************

Eddie's Take:

First, I really never understood how someone under 30 even qualifies to be a college professor. Nothing against this guy, but he has plenty of life experience to gain. If I were Dean for a day, I don't even think I would consider hiring someone that would be too close to the same generation as the students. It sort of leaves too much of an opportunity for-- well, you did ask this question, right?

So, to your question-- do what you have to do. So far, both of you have handled this in an extremely mature fashion. However, the school would frown upon you hanging out at his apartment just as much as they would if you were having relations. The line has already been crossed, and he is the one that has much more at stake here.

The best thing to do is to walk on eggshells if you want to continue to hang out, but it would be best to hit the pause button until you finish his class. You don't want to get yourself into a "no pussy-- no pass" situation.

All in all, it sounds like you met a decent guy, and the age difference is not even a concern for me. Focus on your studies, pass his class, and rock his world for Christmas!

--Eddie
****************

************************************************************************
It's that time again! Here's our Special Guest for this week!

Saishokukenbi is one of our dear Myspace friends, and she is an top supporter of Ask 3 Guys. So, today, we offer a woman's perspective!
**************************************************************************


Saishokukenbi's Take:

Actually, I can answer this one from personal experience. My father was my mother's accounting professor in college. He was far older than her. Their relationship, as I'm told, did not commence until after she had graduated, but, even so apparently, some cast aspersions when the relationship became known. Sometimes, it's not so much whether there is wrongdoing, but that there is the appearance thereof. Just because there is no rule prohibiting it, doesn't mean there aren't real ethical considerations that could cost him his job, or her the chance at her education. There is nothing to say they can't date AFTER the semester is over. Better yet, perhaps she should just drop the class and take it under a different professor in a later semester. The reason this is probably the best solution is that, if she gets an "A" or any decent grade in the class, no one will ever believe she earned it. Is she prepared to live with that? Also, is what they have strong enough to survive the type of backlash that might follow? A lot of relationships aren't. And, last but not least, if this relationship is worth having, then it is worth taking the time to do it right. Why chance losing something great by cutting corners? My advice would be take a step back, clear away all the conflicts, and then you can proceed with a clear mind and heart. Now, from the dude's perspective, although he didn't ask...my answer is "ah hell no dude. What are you thinking?" There may not be a student/teacher dating policy, but I'll be willing to bet a large piece of swampland there is a sexual harassment policy. What do you think is gonna happen if she gets a bad grade, or you dump her for the next cute student. Don't go there. Now, having said that, let me conclude in a more gentile manner, with essentially the same advice. If this relationship is worth having, it's worth taking the time to do it right. Remove the conflicts before you proceed. If not, you will always have that little voice in your head telling you all the ways this could end badly.

--Saishokukenbi
*********************

Am I Just Being Too Picky?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok guys, its been quite some time since I last asked for advice, but I have another question for you.

I'll have to start by saying a little about myself, so you can understand the situation a bit better.

I demand perfection in absolutely everything. I am very critical-- quite possibly the hardest person anyone could make friends or have a relationship with, because I find every fault there is that exists. I point things out and expect change, and I am just as ruthless with myself.

Last year, I came across someone with everything I'd say was perfection:

She's passionate, gorgeous, mysterious, magnetic, loyal and we've made really good friends.

Now, here comes the problem-- She talks openly about sex. She's just so vulgar and dirty, which, to be honest, really gets on my tits. I don't mind it in private, but she just talks about it casually to anyone, as if there's nothing wrong. I just cringe inside constantly at it. Is there any need. Aren't some things just better left not talking about? I mean, sometimes, I have my kinky moments, but I tend to keep that side to my private life. It just all seems a bit sick.

Advice Guys-- what do I do? Because, I don't want to end things. If anything, I want to take things further, but I don't get the impression she's going to change if i mention my dissatisfaction.

I've never met someone with so much charm, and so much to like, so I definitely want to make this work-- no matter what it takes...

--Picky Nick
****************

Dear Picky Nick,

Ronnie's Take:

First, only you can control how you feel. What makes you right about the appropriate way to talk about sex? That is a personal feeling. There is no right or wrong. Until you learn about compromise, you will never make a relationship work. How would you feel if she was to say "Nick, I can't believe how insecure you are about talking openly about sex"? See my point?

Remember the 80-20 rule. Does she make you happy 80% of the time?

If so, move forward. If not, move on.

--Ronnie
-------------------

Victor's Take:

People change for themselves, rarely, if ever, for anyone else. Communicate - share with her that her open and frank talk in public about sex bothers you.

If she changes, she will do it on her own accord. Don't force her to change.
Doing so will only create resentment, and my man, resentment is the #1 Relationship killer.

Good luck...

--Victor
-----------------

Eddie's Take:

First, I want to take a moment to address your obsession with perfection. You will continue to be let down for the rest of your life if you do not get over it right now. I used to be the same way. You could show me a million-light Vegas strip display, and I would comment about the two bulbs that were burned out. In relationships, I would always nit-pick over the most trivial details. A girl's laugh, the way she smiled, etc. I was kind of like Eddie Murphy on Boomerang. One day, you will learn to value people for who they are. Because-- let's face it-- none of us are perfect.

Relationships are all about compromise and toleration. We compromise to please our significant others, and we learn to tolerate the things that they can't control.

So, for the open talk about sex-- just let her know how you feel. Ask her, when you are alone of course, if she could tone it down a tad. Just be honest with her. Let her know that sex is a private part of your life, and you choose to keep it that way. If it continues, either let her go, or learn to tolerate it. Also, try getting her to agree on a signal you can give her when you are feeling uncomfortable. It may sound corny, but it works for some couples. When she gets on a sex-talk tangent, give her the nod, and it will bring her back.

Best of luck to you.

--Eddie
---------------

School, work, life.... Where do I fit in?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Here is a little background information for you:

I was dating this guy "J" and things were going real well for about a month and a half. We just kind of fell into a routine, and it was working wonderfully. He is in school for a degree in Electrical Engineering (not the easiest thing to do, esp when working a full time job). And, he's one of the unfortunate people that go all year round, because they go part time. Summer semester began, and all was well. We didn't see each other nearly as much, but it still was working for me. I understand that school comes first. All of a sudden, one day he decided that he could not do a relationship, school, and work. So, I do the right thing and take a step back. J recently told me that he does care about me, and thinks about me all the time, and wants me in his life, BUT can't balance a relationship. I see a lot of potential in this man. I have very strong feelings for him. But, I don't know if there ever really is a point to waiting.

The Question:

If someone really wanted a relationship, wouldn't they find any means to make it work? Where should I go from here?

--Pushed Aside
******************

Dear Pushed Aside,

Victor's Take:

The answers to your questions are:

Yes.
Let him go.

It's that simple.

I have a plethora of female friends that have gone through this - a man who is non-committal for any number of reasons, whether valid or invalid. My answer is always the same - when a guy is truly into you - the "butterflies in the stomach", the "can't get you out of my mind" feelings... Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is going to stop him - work, school, whatever - from being with you.

I think he is just not that in to you, and that's okay, because you know why?
Everyone deserves someone who is THAT into them. Let him go. Maybe your absence will make him realize that you are that important. He's not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination, he's just not there yet - and may never be.

I wish you all the best...

--V
*******

Ronnie's Take:

What's important to people change quite often. Sometimes even daily. I would tell him not to put labels on you two, and just go with the flow. You understand what he is going though. There will be no pressure to further this relationship until he has handled his responsibilities. Don't read anything into his indecisiveness. That usually comes when a person is under stress. Be supportive. T ell him you just want to have fun with no expectations in the meantime. Hope when he comes out on the other side that it will work, but be prepared if it doesn't.

--Ronnie
**************

Eddie's Take:

Plain and simple-- let him go. Don't try to pressure him to be with you. I can relate to the toll of school, work, and life all being juggled at the same time. I still do it, and it is tough.

However, I do know how powerful love is, and, if he really wanted it, he would do anything to be with you. So, part of me feels that this is just an excuse to let you down gracefully. Personally, I think it is a cop-out.

Just let him do his school thing, and you focus on being happy-- whatever it takes. I keep reiterating that people do not make us who we are. We have to define our characters, as well as our happiness, for ourselves.

In the end, I would thank him for the good times, tell him not to be a stranger, and wish him the best of luck.

--Eddie
***************

Our Views on Marriage are Different

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been with a man around three years now, and while it was rocky at points in the beginning, we are finally at a good place in our relationship, and have been for some time now. That is, until we were talking last night and the 'M word' was brought up (Marriage).

I was married once before, but it didn't last past so many years because my husband at the time decided he didn't really want to be a husband anymore. Fine; I moved on with the positive outlook that someday, I can and/or will meet another eventually who WILL want to be married. Being with the man I'm with now, I made him aware a while back to the fact of what I see for myself in the future (marriage and a family). He knew that about me. Last night, he finally tells me that he doesn't go for marriage at all.

He's bothered by the fact that I was married before and brings it up in conversation every once in a while and I take great offense to it. He says he just doesn't believe in the paper, I think that is just his excuse because "I've been 'had' already by another man, and am no longer a desirable candidate to marry". He claims that isn't the case and that he can spend the rest of his life with me and have a family, he just doesn't need the paper to do it. He's stated that if marriage does come around for us, it wouldn't be at least until our mid thirties (were in our mid twenties now), after we have had our children (but I've said I refuse to have children outside of marriage, so where's the middle ground there).

If he loved me enough to spend the rest of his life with me, why NOT give me the paper? I would feel ridiculous years from now calling the father of my children my 'boyfriend', or any other title women have to give their partners who won't marry them instead of my husband. I'm not religious or traditional, but in this case, I am. What should I do about our situation?

--Hope
***********

Dear Hope,

Ronnie's Take:

Well, I've been married before, and could care less if I get married again or not. It truly just is a piece of paper that seems to change things. I have been living with a woman I love dearly for 2+ yrs now. I show my love and dedication in other ways-- no paper needed. The big difference is we already have all the children we need (LOL). When it comes to my children, it would be important to me if I know I loved the mother and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. My first child was born out of wedlock, but we were not sure yet if we would stay together. It's real simple here. At your age, and the plans for kids, he would have to have a real solid answer as to why to not get married. Not just I don't go for marriage at all. Communicate as that is always the most important thing. If he has no good logical answer then RUN and run fast. Sounds like some underlying issues there.

--Ronnie
*************

Victor's Take:

I find it incredibly hard to believe that in three years of a relationship, marriage did not once come up in your conversations. I'm going to take some liberties here and make a supposition that marriage did come up, but you thought you could change him.

A tangent here: if I could give every woman on the planet one piece of advice when it comes to men is this-you cannot change a man. EVER.

The ultimate conundrum of relationships is this: at the moment a woman falls in love with a man, she is ready to mold him into and change him into the perfect man. At that moment a man falls in love with a woman, he never wants that woman to change.

If what you say is true and you shared with this man early on that you wanted to get married have children and now he is reneging on the deal, I have a major problem with that. Communication in relationships should happen often and should involve honesty. Clearly, this does not seem to be the case in this instance. Without knowing more information, I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you were married once before. I think he might be using that as a negotiating tactic to get you away from being married again, not that you are used or damaged goods... Or anything like that. He's just trying to fortify his argument, so I would not take that as a personal attack on you.

What you have to ask yourself is simply this: is not getting married a dealbreaker for you? If I am reading your question correctly I would assume the answer is yes. Obviously this is a man who has no interest in getting married and has over and over again made his case against marriage. I have to admit, I completely and wholeheartedly agree with him. But, that is an opinion for another time and another place.

If it is a dealbreaker, it's time to draw your line in the sand!

--V
*******

Eddie's Take:

He really needs to get over his issues. He is probably one of the people that thinks everything is overrated. He probably hates Christmas and other holidays. Seems like he has some built up issues.

I would iterate the benefits of marriage to him. Is he employed by a company that has insurance and other benefits? Are you? Questions, such as these, are important when you think about having a family. Doctor bills, finances, buying a house, etc. There are many areas that would benefit bother of you if you two were united. However, we all know how hard it is to change people.

Let him know how you feel about marriage, and my guess is that he will mature over the next several years. You said that you were in your twenties, and that (statistically speaking, of course) is not the best time to tie the knot. Many marriages fail in this day and age. Why is that? There are a million reasons.

Be thankful for the joy that you have in your relationship. Take each day as it comes-- carpe' diem, if you will. Don't pressure him about the issue-- Guys do not like to be pressured. Just focus on being a wonderful mate to him. If he values your love, things will work out.

P.S. Don't ever feel like you are tainted merchandise because you were previously married. Don't allow him to degrade you like that. We all make mistakes. Those mistakes aid in defining our character. You are not some piece of clothing with a discount tag that someone returned to Macy's.

--Eddie
**********

And, here is a response from one of our friends. Every once in a while, A3G will have a Guest Spot, so here's his take:

Faust's Take:

For many people, the institution of marriage leaves a bad taste in their mouth--it might be because of personal encounters with bad marriages, perhaps parents, siblings or friends, or it might be because they are generally distrustful of any institutions. There is also a common sensation of unease about marriage, either because of stories of perfectly good relationships that somehow change once they've been declared official or a feeling that society is intruding on a relationship by giving it a label and a seal of approval. Keep in mind that some couples are very successful and happy with marriage under common law (which will, of course, vary from state to state).

The point that gives me pause, though, is that it seems his attitude is a relatively new thing--you've been dating for years and his opinion has only arisen now that marriage was brought up. If so, it feels like he may be hedging his bets.

No matter, it's important that both of you be honest with yourselves as well as one another. First, try to look at it from his side: What is so important to you about the piece of paper, about the words "husband," "wife" and "married?" I would also ask him the same question (what is wrong with that paper and those words) as well as an inquiry about what would be different when you are older; why would it be ok when you are in your 30s but not now?

If your relationship is good on all points but this, examining why this point is so important is crucial--it might be a manifestation of a deeper issue.

--Faust

**********

Caught between friendship and a hard place

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have a guy friend with whom I am very close to. We've spent numerous occasions together, countless hours delving deep into our minds, bodies*, not to mention sharing and learning from each other.

As of now, being an item is not in question, but he is aware I have feelings for him..very valid and logical feelings. He's told me as well he feels the same, but it's just not happening.

About once a month he sends me packages in the mail, of things I ADORE; books, music, art, etc. AND, every man I suggest to him I might be interested in, he steers me clear of, "I am too good for them" will always be the reasoning.

We are simply good-close friends mind you, but I can't help but feel he's got hidden context or other motives.

What do you think? Would you treat someone this way if you were/weren't interested in them?

Or is he buttering me up and possibly just being selfish?

So confused over here.

TY in advance!

--Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed,

Ronnie's Take:

Sounds like there is more to the story. His actions sounds like something a gay guy would do. Maybe even a married guy that just can't end the relationship. How well do you know him? Investigate some more. Push the envelope. Tell him you are thinking about getting serous with someone. Make him respond. If he doesn't, value his true friendship, and keeping looking for a Mr. right that wants you.

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

You say bodies*, but then you say no sex... I'm confused...

The guy has feelings for you. Why he has not moved things to the next level, I cannot be sure. Have you had sex with him?

It is time to stop beating around the bush and have the WTF conversation with him. Be nice, calm, even-keel emotionally and share with him "What is going on here?" Don't stop talking until you get an answer, even if it is one that you are not happy with.

Without more details, this is the best answer that I have.

V.
********

--Eddie's Take:

Have you ever seen the movie Clueless? Well, here's a quote from Murray that sums it up-- "Your man Christian is a cake boy!"

Sounds to me like this guy is a certified homosexual (i.e. turd burglar, ass bandit, shit stabber, bone smoker, donut puncher, etc.).

If not, maybe he is just too scared to express his feelings towards you. If you appear "out of his league", hiding his feelings is a means of protecting the friendship. If you have had talks about being together, then that theory is out the window.

Here's my advice...

Give him the quick and dirty on what you want. Tell him that you are tired of being confused, you have deep feelings for him, and you would love to move forward with a relationship. (Take sort of a "shit or get off the pot" approach.) If he fails to move forward, then start dating! That's all you can do-- express yourself, and give him the opportunity to jump on it (no pun intended at all there).

Good Luck!

Let us know how it turns out.

--Eddie
**************

Girl on Girl??!!!!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Why do guys like girl on girl action? And, why are girls in catholic school uniforms so appealing to guys?

--Spanky
*************

Dear Spanky,

Ronnie's Take:

Guys like anything involving sex. The uniform can mean many things. Innocent to some, stuck up (we like to nail the stuck up girl HARD!!)LOL, or a bad girl. Guys have wild imaginations. We turn anything sexual. Girl on anything--- and, we like it!

--Ronnie
**************

Victor's Take:

I think both men and women have fantasies about things that are "dirty" or "outside of the norm"... I use these terms in quotations because everyone has a different opinion on what "dirty" or "forbidden" might be.

The school girl uniform represents the ultimate "off limits" experience. It is and will continue to be a popular choice for adult Halloween celebrations everywhere and guess what? It is not going anywhere anytime soon.

Girl on girl action... let me walk this tightrope as delicately as I can. I think women are the most beautiful things on the planet. I like the way they look, smell, talk, feel, laugh... I like it all. So, when I see two beautiful women kissing, or more, I start thinking about the Double Mint commercial - double your pleasure, double your fun... Also, much like the school girl outfit, girl on girl action is not "normal" to many. Hence, the desire to experience it.

Since the beginning of time, and long after I'm gone and until the end of time, humans will continue to seek things that are forbidden - that are "naughty". It is not going anywhere anytime soon...

Don't get too worked up about it. Just because a guy likes school girl outfits or girl on girl action doesn't mean he cannot have a beautiful, healthy, normal relationship. It happens every day. I suggest you share your fantasies back...

--V
*********

Eddie's Take:

The things that turn people on... hmmm. We could go on for ever talking about this one. To me, girl on girl, or the catholic school uniform, rank pretty innocent on the abnormal scale.

I agree with Vic on the uniform thing. The catholic school girl depicts innocence, a taboo if you will. Some guys are turned on by things that are viewed as forbidden. If you delve into the world of what turns people on, your mind would not stop spinning.

Here's a sample of a few things that definitely strike me as being weird:
(Reference: http://treebeard31.blogspot.com/2007/08/weirdest-turn-ons-ever.html)

• Ailurophilia: sexual attraction to cats

• Acrotomophilia: love of amputation or amputees

• Autonephioplia: sexual arousal from diapers

• Phalloorchoalgolagnia: sexual arousal from receiving a painful blow in the male genitals

• Coprophilia: sexual attraction to feces

• Formicophilia: sexual attraction to insects crawling on parts of the body

• Emetophilia : sexual attraction to vomit

• Toonophilia: sexual attraction to cartoons or anime characters

• Eproctophilia: sexual attraction to flatulence

• Stygiophilia: sexual pleasure from the thought of going to hell

• Transformation fetish: sexual arousal from depictions of transformations of people into objects

• Urolagnia: sexual attraction to urine

• Xylophilia: sexual attraction to wood

So, there are some pretty freaky things out there. The bottom line is that everyone involved is consenting adults. For some couples, there are no limits. So, basically, there's someone out there for everyone-- I guess. Just don't break the law.

--Eddie
*************

Boys, Boys, Boys...

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

So, I was with my boyfriend the other night, and we were talking, and his phone kept ringing and ringing. So, I asked him who it was and he said that it was no one, which made me mad, so I didn't talk to him. Then, he said it was just his ex girlfriend. I said WHAT THE HELL IS SHE CALLING FOR? He said man I don't know....but, that night, I was thinking something is suspicious, so I called him and asked him if he still had feelings for his ex. Of course he said no, but the next day I found out that he calls her all the time and he still likes her so I asked again "do you still like your ex?" Now, he said man i don't know...it made me so mad because I am in love with him, but why waste your time with someone that has feelings for there ex..it sucks, but I don't know what to do. I WANT HIM TO GET OVER HER, but i don't know if he ever will. I feel like nothing to him. I don't understand what I did wrong this time. It's like I'm a target to letting guys hurt me, because that's all that has happened to me lately, and I just want someone to care about me. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to be loyal to me. I just don't know whether I should end things with him or not. He says he wants me to stay, and that he loves me, but I don't know because every time I'm with him now I'm going to be thinking of him and his ex girlfriend getting back together.HELP!!

--Lost Girl
******************

Dear Lost Girl,

Ronnie's Take:

First, don't look to anyone else to complete you or make you happy. Learn to be secure in the person you are. Learn to realize you and many many other people get let down in relationships. It's not the end of the world. You will live and just like you fell in love again, you will again in the future. The ex thing is a deal breaker with me if his is lying about it and admits to still have feelings for her. Move on to number next. A liar is no one to build a relationship with.

--Ronnie
****************

Victor's Take:

"I WANT HIM TO GET OVER HER but I don't know if he ever will I"....

You seem like a young lady. So, I am going to give you two pieces of advice that I want you take away and use forever:

1) No woman EVER in the course of human history has changed a man. EVER. Men change when they want to change, not when a woman wants them too. Stop trying.

2) Don't even think about getting married until you are at least 30.

With that out of the way, this guy doesn't feel the same way about you that you do him. You deserve at least that. Move on and go get the next one.

Also, I have a feeling you attracting those types of men (hurting you) because you are trying too hard. Stop trying - let them come to you.

Have faith my dear; you have a ton of life to live still and many hearts to break...

--V.
**************

Eddie's Take:

Here's your problem... you are trying way to hard. If you allow yourself to be a target, then you will always be one. A vulnerable, weak girl is the worst thing that you could be. Be strong in who you are. This guy is one of many that you will meet throughout this journey of life. I'm sure that you have many more miles to go, so focus on the things that are important. Don't be a girl that thinks a guy makes her. Define yourself, walk with happiness and confidence, and you will see that guys will pursue you. Stop being so desperate. Don't be a victim. It's time for you to step up and be a strong woman.

--Eddie
**************

How to Deal..... Urrrggghhh!!!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have a co-worker who is a great friend. She seems, at times, to say a lot without thinking. She also has a way of wording things completely wrong. In passing, she said things about one of my childhood friends. It got back to her then me. I confronted her, and she got very upset and said she was going lose me and my friend as friends. Explaining what she meant, I believe her. The other friend believes the one who told her. Now, I cannot get my two close friends together, and I feel weird when I talk about work to the other. Being that the other comes up in the stories. In anger, when confronted, she text the source and he let my other friend read it all. Did I say she words things with out thinking? So, there is no explaining to the childhood friend. How do i deal with the situation? I work with one and see the other a lot. And how do I have any gatherings if i can't get them in same place?

Thanks.

--Rock and a Hard Place
****************************

Dear Rock and a Hard Place,

Ronnie's Take:

We deal with stupid situations all the time. My friends' circle is laughable with all the drama. People take things in life so personal when it usually isn't. You must get the her who made the statement to communicate with the other friend. Then you did NOTHING wrong. Talk about what you want with each one. Invite both of them to go to events and let them sort the stupidness out. Don't play into the drama. Move the conversation elsewhere as they complain about the stupid drama. LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR DRAMA PEOPLE!!!!!!! People do and say things to make them happy in the moment. How can you fault someone for that? It wasn't personal. Ask yourself, have you done and said things you didn't mean or make something major that really wasn't that important to you?

--Ronnie
***************

Victor's Take:

It would seem that your friend that says things without thinking and who also words things completely wrong would appear to be the problem. I'm not saying launch her, but - talk to her. Let her know - "Hey, you are off base sometimes. I love you, but...." Maybe, just maybe you can get the two of them in a room together and get them talking. The first sentence is always the hardest, the rest - always flows nice and easy after that.

Isn't it amazing how much drama we have in the world and - 80% of the time, it is over absolutely nothing?

There is your question back...

I hope it works out.

--Victor
*************

Eddie's Take:

Oh my God! You are actually worrying yourself with this bullshit. I am so sick of hearing about people fighting over he said- she said bullshit. You did nothing wrong. They need to get over it. Just be yourself, and if they can't get along, oh well.

It's like when someone cuts you off in traffic. You can be pissed all you want. You can flip them off. You can do whatever you want. Guess what? They are still driving as carefree as they were when they cut you off. What I'm saying is don't get your panties in a bunch behind something that is out of your control. Worry about the things that you have direct control over. Two people's miscommunication and bullshit is not your problem.

I have seen this over and over again, and it is a damn shame that people act like they are in grade school.

Tell them that you are not going to entertain this, and if they have a problem, they need to fix it.

UUUrrggghh..... how to deal is right!

I'm out--

--Eddie
**************

Disrespected Lady

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am a 44 year old whose husband (49) of 14 years (7 living together followed by 7 of marriage) is verbally abusive to me. At times he is the sweetest, most charming man; then he just picks fights with me for no reason at all.

Not only is he disrespectful, he especially does it in public. His own friends have told me that they don't like the way he talks to me, but do not want to get involved. And I don't blame them for that.

I have just left him to go live with my daughter in KC and he still doesn't get it. He thinks that I am just being a brat and will get over it.

Do you think he will ever see the light and treat me like a lady that he loves. Or is he just a lost cause.

--Disrespected Lady
*************************

Dear DL,

Ronnie's Take:

First, let's handle the public disrespect part. Every time, without fail, when he disrespects you in public say " well maybe if your dick wasn't soooo little (whether it's true or not) _______ (whatever he is complaining about) wouldn't be a problem! He'll get the disrespect in public problem real quick. It's not too lady like, but will make the point you need to make. Next, to stay or go? Follow the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If not, move on after you make it clear what your issue is.

--Ronnie
*************

Victor's Take:

I don't think anyone is a lost cause, just like I don't believe anything is impossible.

But, you cannot change your husband. He has to WANT to change. I assume you have shared with him that his behavior is unacceptable and hurts you on numerous occasions. But, for whatever reason, he continues to do it. I also assume that you probably feel like maybe you had some hand in him acting this way - that, it may be on some level your fault. It rarely, if ever is so don't beat yourself up about it anymore.

My guess is that your husband has deep, underlying emotional issues from his childhood or early adulthood that he has never dealt with. He needs to get help with this, but you cannot force him. Nor, is it your responsibility to fix him or feel bad for him. The responsibility to change his behavior is his and his alone. Maybe one day he will see the light, but that is up to him not you. Everyone deserves to live healthy, happy lives.

--Victor
***********

Eddie's Take:

There's a thin line between love and hate. It seems that the people that are the closest to you are the ones that can hurt you the most; however, to intentionally do it is uncool. I find that people are usually guilty of something when they treat their spouse like that. I'm not even talking about cheating. He could be watching porn and masturbating when you are not home. Then, he feels guilty, so he acts out. Just a thought...

To fix this, you need to tell him how you feel. When you do ___________, I feel ____________. Let him know that his actions have an impact on your feelings. If he doesn't get the point, I would suggest going to therapy. Maybe an unbiased third party could shed some light on it. If not, give him an ultimatum, but be sure that you stick to your guns. If you say you are done... be done.

Nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect. Be strong.

--Eddie
****************

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Where Did I Get Sideways?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Well I think I done fucked up. So here is the deal. I respond to post on your page all the time under a different name. Little Native. But she is gone, old page, bad Karma.

So I met this man, on line.. yeah ok what ever. It was weird because I thought my profile was unsearchable, and I had not used in in months... Turns out he knows my son, through the police academy. My son gave him two thumbs up, keep in mind he hates everyone. So over the course of several days we talk, e-mail...you know the drill, we meet for coffee late one night, then lunch a few days later.

I have certain things I like in men. Very specific things. He was more than qualified. I called our dates big waves and lightening. Just a chemistry I have never felt before. We had great fun together. And he knew that the past year I had been recovering from a very unexpected break up. The timing for me was good, and for him as well. So yup I slept with him.... spent the weekend with him... And it was amazing....

He works funky hours, I seen him this past Thursday, more of that good stuff... He said he would talk to me on Friday..No call, I had the icy feeling in my chest, I sent him an email and said maybe I made an error, maybe we should have been more thoughtful... I told him that if it was just a sex thing he should have said so. Even though in our conversations he said he wanted to settle down, His daughter was raised, his new job secure, time to get on with the rest of his life. We were on the same page in our lives.He sent me a text that went something like this. "Work called me in early, in ICU with inmate, phone was dead, forgot charger." OK so kill me now...

So now, yup I am in the dog house he will not speak to me, and wow, it is killing me. So what the fuck???? I thought I had all the damn answers... I will leave this one up to you and the all knowing readers. Any questions ask. Sorry so long, but I hate it when people do not put in enough info.

--Jane Doe #516


Dear Jane Doe #516,

Ronnie's Take:

A simple re-explanation of your actions. Text him or email him that you jumped the gun. You are a little new to the dating game again and let all kind of things run through your head. All the horror stories of your friends. Explain the chemistry you felt. Tell him no would like to start dating again with no expectations-- just casual and start over. Tell him you are learning and growing, so it would be great if he would give it another try.

--Ronnie
*************

Victor's Take:

You both sound like mature, honest people. So, BE HONEST....

Tell him you fucked him. That you overacted and that it was a mistake. If he likes you, he will forgive you. If the chemistry that you say is there, really is - then it should be a no-brainer for him. It would for me.

I think he probably thought you were overacting because of your recent breakup (i.e. - "she is lumping me in with all the bad men, etc."), and he took it personally. Pick up the phone and call his ass and apologize to him.

Sounds like a good thing - go fight for it.

--V.
***********

Eddie's Take:

Let him know that you had a bit of a defense up as a result of some of the assholes you dated in the past. You guys sound like two mature people that have been through their own difficult journeys. It seems like you had such a great connection, and, perhaps, you came across a bit crazy when you couldn't get in touch with him. That must have scared him. You need to get a face-to-face with him again. Try to have dinner or coffee with him, so you can look him in the eyes and open up to him. Don't go for drinks, and don't do it at his or your house, because that will only lead to sex, and you have to iron this out before you go there. Sex would only be a false fix. Just talk to him, and be honest. Let him know you screwed up.

You can make this work.

--Eddie
***************