Can I ever forgive him?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Can you ever really forgive a spouse for cheating? Can you get past the infidelity and have a strong relationship and marriage?


--Torn
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Dear Torn,

Victor's Take:


The short answers – it depends.

Forgiving is not about your spouse, it is about you. The word forgiveness is about self at its core, not about another’s actions. So, can YOU forgive them?

I think there will always be people – both men and women – that cannot, will not ever fully forgive a spouse for infidelity. That’s ok, because there are no wrong answers here. Your feelings and your emotions are yours to have.

I think the important thing here is to recognize what type of person YOU are. Can you truly forgive, or can’t you? If you cannot truly forgive and put it past you, you have no choice – cut the cord and move on. It is the right thing to do. You will never have a healthy relationship, as your underlying resentment will continue to create problems in the marriage.

If you can truly forgive – great. Do so fully and completely. Move forward and don’t look back.

I can tell you 100% of the time (in my experience, from the people I talked to) a spouse doesn’t decide to go out and have an affair for no reason. There are ALWAYS reasons. Get to the bottom of those problems, solve those issues and a happy relationship moving forward is possible.

Ultimately, be true to yourself and be able to admit weakness if it is the case. If you cannot truly forgive, move on! It is the best thing you can do not only for you, but for your spouse as well.

I would forgive my spouse, but that’s me. Forgiveness is a decision you need to make.

Good luck to you…


--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

Yes you can is the first answer. Is it very tough? YES

It takes two committed people. First, the adulter must be completely committed to making it work. The adulter must be completely honest about why they did it. The adulter must be a complete open book. They must be okay with text messages,emails, cell phone records being checked randomly at any time. This trust factor must be regained.

The partner must NOT continue to throw it up in their face. It must be dropped and given a true chance. It must not be the excuse for every fight that comes up after the fact. The partner must allow the adulter to be truly honest for the reason of cheating. NOTHING justifies cheating, but there are factors that can lead to cheating. Some factors the partner can help with. Some factors come strictly within the adulter.

I'll give the example of my ex-wife and I. We both cheated on each other. I was insecure in myself, growing up as a short, fat, shuddering red-head. My ex-wife wasn't affectionate. I took this as rejection and seeked out acceptance where ever I could find it. We both had issues to work on in this case.

My x-wife cheated out of jealousy. I was always the center of attention because of my personality. Even her close friends became very close friends of mine. Her way of getting attention and feeling good about herself was cheating. It was the only way she knew to get them to like her more than me.

We were married for 12 yrs and tried hard to overcome the infidelity. We had some very happy, fun times together as a couple, as we tried restoring our marriage. We forgave, but we couldn't get over our personal insecurities which led to more infidelity on both parts.
Is it possible? YES! Will it take an awesome amount of commitment and openness on both parts? YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

Seems like Ronnie and Vic had plenty to say about this one. Since I am the only Guy out of the 3 married, I will try my best to answer your question.

The thing that you don't want to hear is--- it depends. But, it does. We all have a different level of forgiveness. Are you someone that will always feel betrayed because you were cheated on? Does the fact that he cheated constantly monopolize your thoughts? Do you think he still cheats? There are so many questions that you have to ask yourself.

If most of those answers are yes, then I would say that you are the type of person that cannot forgive him. In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to give 100%. He has to work to gain your trust, and you have to learn to trust that he is being sincere.

For me, infidelity would be a deal-breaker. If it gets to that point, I would never want to continue a relationship with my wife. I just couldn't do it.

The bottom line is that we have only one life to live. Don't spend your life in a situation that you will regret when you reflect back your memories. It's not like you can try again. Focus on spending your life the way you picture it. Don't sell yourself short for anyone.

Good luck.

--Eddie
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