I have custody.... now what?

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Dear Ask 3 Guys,


I have recently found myself with custody of a 14 year old boy. I have a 15 year old girl and a 14 year old girl already. I have NO idea how to entertain this kid. Other than violent video games and wrestling with his friends - how do I get a 14 year old boy who has had absolutely no guidance up until this point, to WANT guidance?

--Rated C (for confused)
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Dear Rated C,

Ronnie's Take:

First, you must show interest in his actions. Don't make it a push/pull to start. Come out the gate on his side. Communicate-- because, even 14yr old boys have different likes. You left out sports. Sports would be the best avenue. The local playground would be a good place to start.

The main thing is include him in the decisions of the family. What's for dinner? What's the weekend activities? Communicate -- communicate-- communicate!

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

This is a really good question that I don't have a direct answer to. I think Ronnie and Eddie are going to be the best ones to answer this question, as one has a teenage boy, the other - one close to teenage years.

When I was a teenager, my parents made me get a part time job and sent me to a good school with good role models and solid discipline. I don't know if you have the ability to do that or not, I hope so. The job and the school put discipline in my life and gave me structure - something to keep me busy.

If I could have changed anything about my childhood, I would have wanted more affection - to be hugged more, kissed more, told "I love you" by my parents. I could count the number of times that those three things happened to me in my life on both hands - easily. Show affection - show him that you truly do care about him and his well being, and I have a feeling he might be a little more open-minded about guidance.

Good luck to you...

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

It's not often that I use the phrase 'paradigm shift' to describe a situation, but your dilemma is just that. All of the sudden, you have custody of a 14-year old boy; however, your experience thus far has been parenting daughters. Yes, men are from Mars, and women or from Venus... but teenage boys are from an entirely different universe.

To start, I will base some comments on assumptions I have, since you did not give insight as to how his behavior is. I can only assume, that like most teenage boys, you have experienced problems in that arena. If not, good for you.

First, it is imperative that you set clear expectations for your household. This means that he has to understand what he is required to do, as well as the consequences for not adhering to your guidelines. For instance, playing violent video games may not be something you approve of, so you have to inform him of your stance regarding material that may be inappropriate for him. Video games have a rating (just like movies), and, as a parent, you need to review the back of the games to see if you approve of the content. My 12-year old often asks for new games, but we are strict when it comes to games that are rated M (mature). The last game he wanted actually had a disclaimer that it contained drug references, nudity, profanity, and violence. Of course, to purchase these games, you have to be at least 18.

If none of that is an issue for you, the first thing you need to do is develop an open line of communication with him. Let him know that you are interested in his life, which will open up the door for him to communicate with you. I'm not sure of his history, but communication is always a great approach to dealing with anyone.

As far as activities, there are not too many teenage boys that aren't into what he is doing. He is at the age where he is content playing with friends, or alienating himself to his room. There's really nothing you can do about that.

If he likes wrestling, take him to see it when it comes to town. This will show him that he can be rewarded with things that he likes. Just be sure to let him know that rewards like that are earned as a result of good behavior.

The most important thing for a young man to learn is that nothing in life is free. He has to understand that he has to work and follow the rules, because that's how it is in life.

If you care to elaborate more on your situation, I would be happy to offer more assistance.

Good Luck!

--Eddie
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