Student-Teacher Affairs

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I am a 21 year old college student, and I may be having an affair with my professor. It started when I saw him in the local coffee shop and asked what kind of format his exams were in (multiple choice, essay, etc.). He said he had some old exams in his office from the previous semester to help me prepare. So the following day, I went to his office, we began chatting about trivial things, like my major and college life. He is only 28 years old, single and fresh out of graduate school; we had a lot in common. Soon, we began regular study sessions at the local coffee shop (other students were included most of the time). Recently, I began spending more and more time at his apartment-- just watching tv, cooking dinner, studying, and sometimes I fell asleep there.

My college strongly discourages student-teacher relationships, but has not adopted a policy to prevent it.

I'm not receiving any favors. We definitely have established a separation between our school relationship and personal relationship. I didn't do so well on his first test, and that just made him want to help me more. The age difference is only about seven years. I have friends with much bigger age gaps between their partners. He will only be my professor until the end of December. Should we stop seeing each other until I pass his class?

Part of me says I should end this. But the other part of me says I have never met a man that has made me feel so good. He tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent. My last boyfriend never went to college and truly wasn't that smart. So it's nice to have an intelligent conversation with someone you like.

I have only been seeing him for about six weeks. There has been no sexual advances (He refuses to even kiss me until I let him know I am ready for that next step). He constantly tells me that if I ever feel uncomfortable, we can stop hanging out. But, I never do. We end every night together with a hug and a kiss on the cheek or forehead.

The attraction I have to him just gets bigger and bigger every time I see him. I really don't want it to stop.

--Teacher's Pet
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Here's what the Guys think:

Dear T.P.,

Victor's Take:

I know I might catch some flak for this answer, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. Nothing. If I were in the same position, I would absolutely go for it.

I think you need to tread lightly and watch your boundaries - keep school and your personal time separate (no different than an office romance), but I say - go for it. It is hard enough in the world to find someone you click with, and have that true deep connection. Also, it sounds as if you have a very mature way of thinking about this situation and are handling it perfectly.

I say - keep on keeping on. Be careful, respect each other's space, keep school time and personal time separate... and have fun.

Life is too short....

--V
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Ronnie's Take:

You both seem mature enough to handle this. One college course out of your life time shouldn't hold back a relationship with such great potential. In the big picture, neither of you have ill intent for the relationship, and, come December, it will be no issue anyway. No big deal here.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

First, I really never understood how someone under 30 even qualifies to be a college professor. Nothing against this guy, but he has plenty of life experience to gain. If I were Dean for a day, I don't even think I would consider hiring someone that would be too close to the same generation as the students. It sort of leaves too much of an opportunity for-- well, you did ask this question, right?

So, to your question-- do what you have to do. So far, both of you have handled this in an extremely mature fashion. However, the school would frown upon you hanging out at his apartment just as much as they would if you were having relations. The line has already been crossed, and he is the one that has much more at stake here.

The best thing to do is to walk on eggshells if you want to continue to hang out, but it would be best to hit the pause button until you finish his class. You don't want to get yourself into a "no pussy-- no pass" situation.

All in all, it sounds like you met a decent guy, and the age difference is not even a concern for me. Focus on your studies, pass his class, and rock his world for Christmas!

--Eddie
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It's that time again! Here's our Special Guest for this week!

Saishokukenbi is one of our dear Myspace friends, and she is an top supporter of Ask 3 Guys. So, today, we offer a woman's perspective!
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Saishokukenbi's Take:

Actually, I can answer this one from personal experience. My father was my mother's accounting professor in college. He was far older than her. Their relationship, as I'm told, did not commence until after she had graduated, but, even so apparently, some cast aspersions when the relationship became known. Sometimes, it's not so much whether there is wrongdoing, but that there is the appearance thereof. Just because there is no rule prohibiting it, doesn't mean there aren't real ethical considerations that could cost him his job, or her the chance at her education. There is nothing to say they can't date AFTER the semester is over. Better yet, perhaps she should just drop the class and take it under a different professor in a later semester. The reason this is probably the best solution is that, if she gets an "A" or any decent grade in the class, no one will ever believe she earned it. Is she prepared to live with that? Also, is what they have strong enough to survive the type of backlash that might follow? A lot of relationships aren't. And, last but not least, if this relationship is worth having, then it is worth taking the time to do it right. Why chance losing something great by cutting corners? My advice would be take a step back, clear away all the conflicts, and then you can proceed with a clear mind and heart. Now, from the dude's perspective, although he didn't ask...my answer is "ah hell no dude. What are you thinking?" There may not be a student/teacher dating policy, but I'll be willing to bet a large piece of swampland there is a sexual harassment policy. What do you think is gonna happen if she gets a bad grade, or you dump her for the next cute student. Don't go there. Now, having said that, let me conclude in a more gentile manner, with essentially the same advice. If this relationship is worth having, it's worth taking the time to do it right. Remove the conflicts before you proceed. If not, you will always have that little voice in your head telling you all the ways this could end badly.

--Saishokukenbi
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