Our Views on Marriage are Different

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been with a man around three years now, and while it was rocky at points in the beginning, we are finally at a good place in our relationship, and have been for some time now. That is, until we were talking last night and the 'M word' was brought up (Marriage).

I was married once before, but it didn't last past so many years because my husband at the time decided he didn't really want to be a husband anymore. Fine; I moved on with the positive outlook that someday, I can and/or will meet another eventually who WILL want to be married. Being with the man I'm with now, I made him aware a while back to the fact of what I see for myself in the future (marriage and a family). He knew that about me. Last night, he finally tells me that he doesn't go for marriage at all.

He's bothered by the fact that I was married before and brings it up in conversation every once in a while and I take great offense to it. He says he just doesn't believe in the paper, I think that is just his excuse because "I've been 'had' already by another man, and am no longer a desirable candidate to marry". He claims that isn't the case and that he can spend the rest of his life with me and have a family, he just doesn't need the paper to do it. He's stated that if marriage does come around for us, it wouldn't be at least until our mid thirties (were in our mid twenties now), after we have had our children (but I've said I refuse to have children outside of marriage, so where's the middle ground there).

If he loved me enough to spend the rest of his life with me, why NOT give me the paper? I would feel ridiculous years from now calling the father of my children my 'boyfriend', or any other title women have to give their partners who won't marry them instead of my husband. I'm not religious or traditional, but in this case, I am. What should I do about our situation?

--Hope
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Dear Hope,

Ronnie's Take:

Well, I've been married before, and could care less if I get married again or not. It truly just is a piece of paper that seems to change things. I have been living with a woman I love dearly for 2+ yrs now. I show my love and dedication in other ways-- no paper needed. The big difference is we already have all the children we need (LOL). When it comes to my children, it would be important to me if I know I loved the mother and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. My first child was born out of wedlock, but we were not sure yet if we would stay together. It's real simple here. At your age, and the plans for kids, he would have to have a real solid answer as to why to not get married. Not just I don't go for marriage at all. Communicate as that is always the most important thing. If he has no good logical answer then RUN and run fast. Sounds like some underlying issues there.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

I find it incredibly hard to believe that in three years of a relationship, marriage did not once come up in your conversations. I'm going to take some liberties here and make a supposition that marriage did come up, but you thought you could change him.

A tangent here: if I could give every woman on the planet one piece of advice when it comes to men is this-you cannot change a man. EVER.

The ultimate conundrum of relationships is this: at the moment a woman falls in love with a man, she is ready to mold him into and change him into the perfect man. At that moment a man falls in love with a woman, he never wants that woman to change.

If what you say is true and you shared with this man early on that you wanted to get married have children and now he is reneging on the deal, I have a major problem with that. Communication in relationships should happen often and should involve honesty. Clearly, this does not seem to be the case in this instance. Without knowing more information, I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you were married once before. I think he might be using that as a negotiating tactic to get you away from being married again, not that you are used or damaged goods... Or anything like that. He's just trying to fortify his argument, so I would not take that as a personal attack on you.

What you have to ask yourself is simply this: is not getting married a dealbreaker for you? If I am reading your question correctly I would assume the answer is yes. Obviously this is a man who has no interest in getting married and has over and over again made his case against marriage. I have to admit, I completely and wholeheartedly agree with him. But, that is an opinion for another time and another place.

If it is a dealbreaker, it's time to draw your line in the sand!

--V
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Eddie's Take:

He really needs to get over his issues. He is probably one of the people that thinks everything is overrated. He probably hates Christmas and other holidays. Seems like he has some built up issues.

I would iterate the benefits of marriage to him. Is he employed by a company that has insurance and other benefits? Are you? Questions, such as these, are important when you think about having a family. Doctor bills, finances, buying a house, etc. There are many areas that would benefit bother of you if you two were united. However, we all know how hard it is to change people.

Let him know how you feel about marriage, and my guess is that he will mature over the next several years. You said that you were in your twenties, and that (statistically speaking, of course) is not the best time to tie the knot. Many marriages fail in this day and age. Why is that? There are a million reasons.

Be thankful for the joy that you have in your relationship. Take each day as it comes-- carpe' diem, if you will. Don't pressure him about the issue-- Guys do not like to be pressured. Just focus on being a wonderful mate to him. If he values your love, things will work out.

P.S. Don't ever feel like you are tainted merchandise because you were previously married. Don't allow him to degrade you like that. We all make mistakes. Those mistakes aid in defining our character. You are not some piece of clothing with a discount tag that someone returned to Macy's.

--Eddie
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And, here is a response from one of our friends. Every once in a while, A3G will have a Guest Spot, so here's his take:

Faust's Take:

For many people, the institution of marriage leaves a bad taste in their mouth--it might be because of personal encounters with bad marriages, perhaps parents, siblings or friends, or it might be because they are generally distrustful of any institutions. There is also a common sensation of unease about marriage, either because of stories of perfectly good relationships that somehow change once they've been declared official or a feeling that society is intruding on a relationship by giving it a label and a seal of approval. Keep in mind that some couples are very successful and happy with marriage under common law (which will, of course, vary from state to state).

The point that gives me pause, though, is that it seems his attitude is a relatively new thing--you've been dating for years and his opinion has only arisen now that marriage was brought up. If so, it feels like he may be hedging his bets.

No matter, it's important that both of you be honest with yourselves as well as one another. First, try to look at it from his side: What is so important to you about the piece of paper, about the words "husband," "wife" and "married?" I would also ask him the same question (what is wrong with that paper and those words) as well as an inquiry about what would be different when you are older; why would it be ok when you are in your 30s but not now?

If your relationship is good on all points but this, examining why this point is so important is crucial--it might be a manifestation of a deeper issue.

--Faust

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