Did I Say (or Txt) something Wrong???

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I broke up with my ex 4 months ago but it was over a long time before we offically moved out of our unit and went our seperate ways. It has now been offically 3 months since the actual moving out and moving on.

Anyways I met someone who i have a lot in common with. It was amazing and while i wasnt realy wanting to get into another relationship (this last one was 5 yrs long and included an engagement) I was finding myself wanting to spend time with this person and I suppose just see what happened in time.

This person i therefore started to 'see/date' was very into me but i explained my past relationship and how i wasnt 'ready just yet'-- he was ok with this. He became very smitten though and would txt/call a lot and we would hang out once or twice a week. Over this time i began to get to know him and saw we had so much in common, he made me laugh and through his txts and phone calls encourged me to let my guard down a bit. He told me he had feelings for me a few times and in the past couple weeks and I told him i felt the same which i did but we both agreed to just take it as it comes. we have not had sex btw.

so anyways he has an ex gf who he had a 'one last time' with and she became pregnant. she is on a student visa and is from a poor country. he broke up with her as she is very mean and not a nice person (his words not mine). her visa issue runs out at the end of the year. This info did not bother me to begin with as we were 'just friends' but now obviously it is a big complication as i now have felings for him.

anyways so after 'dating' him for 5 weeks he tells me she had given him an ultimatium: to get back with her and she will stay in our country or she will move back to her home country on the other side of the world and have their child there. I know all of this is true btw. and i understand her point of view as she is pregnant and has no family here etc. he does support her and take her to dr appointments etc but does not want to be with her as they tried for a very long time and she was never willing to work with him on things etc.

so as soon as he was given this ultimatium (which he told me about as it happened) i felt worried for him and pretty sure he would go back to her. I was scared of getting hurt but knew this was a HUGE issue and whatever decision he made i would fully support and understand. He kept telling me how amazing i was and i telling him. We both seemed to really like one another. I did back off a bit as to let him have some space to 'think' about his decision. It was hard knowing whether to give space or not. He had to make the decision that night as her parents wanted to book the ticket.

The next day he txt me saying ' i hope i didnt make you angry last night talking about ex'. I replied saying 'angry? no, not at all. of course not. i love that your being honest with me etc etc'. and i honestly wasnt angry at all! we txt back and forth a bit more, him telling me he was so confused, didnt know how to make the decision, he felt it was the end but couldnt be an ass to his kid. his heart was confused. he hated himself etc etc. i tried to offer support, told him to not hate himself and that it was a hard decision and i hoped he would be ok etc. we then just txt about every day stuff and things seemed ok for the situation anyways.

anyways i didnt txt him at all next day and he didnt me as he had an ultra sound with the ex. at 4pm the day after that he txt me saying 'do you hate me yet? sorry been crazy couple of days". i wrote back sayin of course i didnt hate him and that i knew he had a lot on his mind and that is why i was giving him space and asked if he was ok. he did not reply.

to be honest i started thinking negative thoughts like, ok he's back with ex because he had to make the decision by the other day and he just doesnt know how to tell me its over etc. I wanted to be supportive but was scared he was back with her and just not letting me know as it was NOT like hi at all to not txt me and def not like him to not reply but i know he had a lot on his mind, yet it still made me feel uneasy as i do have feelings for him.

so the next morning i txt saying ' im confsed,whats happening, i hope everything is ok...'.

i know, i know bad idea! just my negative thoughts had got the best of me! He did not reply.

that night i sent a txt sayin 'hey...ok i get the hint'. Now i honestly did not mean this as sarcastic as it sounded. i meant it like ok, u can ttell me its over, i get it;/ i was more sad then anything.

no reply until the next day around 2pm where he said 'k. so so sorry. had power surge at my place last night , killed almost everything..so so sorry....'

i txt back albeit quite a few hrs later ( i was in meeting alllll day) sayin 'sorry, phone was off, what r u sorry for?" again, no reply.

the next day i wrote him a txt sayin that i just wanted him to be happy and i knew he had a lot going on and that if he didnt want to see me /talk to me i would understand because his position and to just let me know. i said i hoped things were ok and if i didnt hear from him i would figure he didnt want to see me/talk to me. no reply.

again i didnt mean this sarcasticly, i was just trying to make it easy for him.

This has been a really hard situation as i have told him i hate talkin about stuff over txt as i am not good at it n worry things can b misinterpreted etc. It has also been hard mostly because i didnt know what to do, to give him space or not, to just wait until he contacted me even if weeks later, and i also didnt want to bother him as he had so much on his mind yet i worried it was over and he just wasnt or didnt know how to tell me (this has happened to me many times in past).

Now i feel incredibly selfish for sending those last two txts when he has so much on his mind.

do you think this is why he as not got back to me? he thinks im selfish?

in the past i have told him that i refrain from talking about how i feel at times as i dont want to put more stress on him etc. he told me i should always tell him as my feelings are valid too.

he has gone from txtn/callin me few times day every day saying things like 'your beyond amazing' 'you make me smile too much this is happiest i been in so so long' etc to just not replying but i kow he has a lot on his plate but at same time i worry im just not getting the hint, you know!?

so i sent him another txt sayin ' im just worried, r u ok? just its not liek u to just not reply. have i done something wrong? if i have im sorry, i didnt mean to, if u thought i didnt/dont care, thats wrong cos i do. if you cant see me again i understand but know i will be sad n wish it wasnt the case but of course totally understand! I just want you to know i miss you, think your amazing, i thought i had nothing left to give after last rship and i found myself giving with you and it was so so nice. i hadnt been happy like this in long time, i just want you to know if you ever need/want me im here'.

no reply.

now everyone had told me he just wasn t interested didnt know how to tell me. but I really didnt thnk he was that type person....he chased me, encouraged me to put my guard down saying how amazing i was, kissing me for hours n then sayin 'i so have feelings for you' saying how i made him smile all time at work, how suportive i was etc etc. how i was what he wants in girl n all the boxs were ticked etc etc.

i worry i have screwed up a good thing by being paranoid and pushy.

a couple of guys have told me a guy can get put off easily by a girl and that turn off can be as strong as the original turn on and that its over.

i wish i had of just given him space and waited for him to tell me. it was my guy friend originally who said that his txts about having crazy couple of days and so sorry power surge etc we're his ay of letting me down gently. thats what encouraged me to send thos last two txts about where we stood etc kinda fing.

was i way in the wrong? am i a selfish person? we're his non informative txts letting me know it was over n i was right to send those last two txts as a result?

i feel so bad n selfish n unsuportive!

is it definetly over? he last txt me a week ago friday so now week n half ago.

is there anything else i can do? i know i cant txt him anymore etc as already on verge of stalker hahaha, but if i have just made him mad and thats why hes not talking to me is there anything i can do to show i didnt mean harm or whatever? can i /should i apologise?

thanks for any advice. I really appreciate it!!!

--Longwinded
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Dear LW,

Ronnie's Take:

Wow I think you win longest question. LOL. Paranoid fit pretty well. You did nothing wrong. He was in a tuff situation and handled it the best way he knew how. Who knows what decision he made, but it obviously wasn't you. Having that guard up is bad. Learn to roll with things. Make sure you love yourself first and foremost. Remember you never thought you would meet this guy. Guess what? People say that all the time and meet somebody else. People feel like when relationships end, they can never go on. Guess what? Millions of people break up and fall in love with someone else again. It might take time, but it will happen. Think back to all the ex's you were in love with. Is it the end of the world? No... of course not.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

This is a text (pardon the pun) book example of why texting about feelings and emotions and having long drawn out conversations about them just shouldn't be done. It is so easy for things to get misconstrued. But, in this case, that was not the problem. You were not selfish and you did not do anything wrong. I would have picked up the phone and communicated, but I don't think it would have made a difference in this case.

He is back together with his ex. No more texts, no more calls... let it lie and move on. I know it is going to be difficult, but it is the right thing to do. This man is not a bad man, but has an understandably conflicted heart and he needs to deal with that completely before he can focus on anyone else.

I wish you all the best going forward...

--V
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Eddie's Take:

Man, you have a lot to say. This whole texting thing is such a pet peeve of mine. Pick up the freaking phone an call. Texting and this Gen-Y shorthand lingo has stripped us of actually having an intelligent conversation. I use texting to say a few things, but what is wrong with picking up the phone. That way, you don't have to worry about your message being misconstrued (sorry Vic, I see you used that one too).

So, get over the lol, omg, lmao, btw, n whtvr elz it iz dat smz so gr8 bout txtn.

As far as you and the immigrant-banger. Just let the dude go. Sounds like the timing is way off for you guys right now. Be there for support, but don't chase him-- it actually looks desperate and tasteless to guys. Work on being strong and confident in who you are.... the rest will fall in to place.


BTW... A3G duz not answr qustns submtd by txt... L-O-freaking-L.

--Eddie
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