An Asexual Relationship

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I have been in a relationship for over 2 years now with a man who is kind,thoughtful, and very handsome but lacks affection in a serious way. In his mid 30's now, I am only the 4th serious girlfriend he has ever had. I hear that the other relationships he has been in have failed because the women have all been unfaithful which caused him great emotional damage. Living in a small town, I've heard their side of the story too... that the lack of affection drove them to it. He's a hard guy to let go of because he is responsible, respectable, thoughtful and all these great things you don't normally get in a guy... but he doesn't like sex or affection at all it seems. When I try to instigate it, I get shot down. When I try to discuss it, it turns into a fight and he changes the subject to ridiculous fight topics and it explodes into a huge mess with threats to break up!!! When I keep my mouth shut about it, MONTHS go by without sex. I refuse to be unfaithful, and I do love him... but I'm frustrated all of the time and feel like I can't win. What is your take on this... as in what do you recommend I do and what do you think the problem is?


Thanks,

--Love Starved!
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Ronnie's Take:

He must communicate. You need to comfort him when you bring it up. Reverse the outlook, and tell him it makes you feel unwanted and ugly. You feel sad. Tell him you need his help with what is wrong with you. That should get it started, then, from there, tell him how important sex is in a relationship. Ask him if he cares that it's important to you. Next you could try getting toys and taking matters into your own hands. Let him see the toys maybe that will open up lines of communication. Lastly, it boils down to the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? To me sex is way more then 20% of a relationship, but that's your call. We are all different.

--Ronnie
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--Victor's Take:

RUN!!!!!!!

I'm really sorry about this man's issues in his previous relationships with women. But, guess what? Not only is it NOT your job to fix him, YOU CAN'T!

Soap Box Time:

Ladies, repeat after me: "YOU CANNOT NOR WILL YOU EVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE ANY MAN - EVER!"

The fact that he cannot communicate his feelings without getting upset and overreacting - even more of a reason to run. If he could communicate and admit that, "Yes I have issues and yes I know I have problems, but I love you and want to work on myself" - great! This is clearly not happening.

Let me speak very plainly. If you are 100% ok with not having sex and not getting affection, go ahead and stay with the guy. Clearly, he has other terrific qualities to offer. If, however, this is not acceptable to you - and from your question, I'm guessing this is the case - RUN!

As far as what his problem is, I would guess he has underlying issues from his childhood - probably with his mother. I don't have a PhD behind my name, so that is purely speculation. Recommend a good psychologist to him and move on.

I wish you all the best.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

This is an unfortunate, yet common, problem in relationships. Once the "honeymoon" phase is over, it is common for men to become complacent in the bedroom. Most me are turned on visually, so I suggest trying provocative lingerie or something else very sexy. Also, it would be a good idea to try to incorporate his interests when attempting to turn him on. If he is into NASCAR, buy a sexy outfit that incorporates that theme. Maybe a hot nurse outfit would tickle his fancy. There has to be something that turns him on. You are just going to have to be creative to see what that is. Be patient, because this may be a trial and error approach. Also, try just getting involved in the things that he is into. Does he play golf? Fish? There has to be something. Showing him that you care about him enough to partake in his hobbies may go a long way. Then, let him know that you enjoy sex as much as he enjoys those things.

Also, try to talk to him about his fantasies. Let him know that you just want to be open, and that you are not going to judge him, or get offended, by what turns him on. More often than not, people have hidden fantasies that they are scared to share with their significant other. You never know... he may want to be tied up, or even spanked. Hopefully, for your sake, there's no scat involved.

So, give it a shot. Put on a sexy outfit, and unleash the freak.

P.S. If none of this works, break out the toys, and take care of yourself while he is in bed next to you. That should send a strong message!

--Eddie
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