My husband is looking up old flames on the internet

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I've been married for a little over 11 years now, and in that time my husband has secretly looked up ex-wives and ex-girlfriends on the internet that I know of. I have expressed how much it upsets me to come across things like this and that it upsets me more that he doesn't feel like he can talk to me about it or involve me at any level. I feel like he doesn't care that it hurts me. I couldn't have been more clear about how it makes me feel, and he has done it again!! I fear that if I try to talk to him about it again, I will just be more hurt than ever, as he will not care and just be better at hiding it. How do I handle this? What do I do? I feel like I can't say anything to him about anything that bothers me anymore, as it always gets turned into "my fault". I'm thinking I just need to get divorced.

--Web or Wife?

Dear Web or Wife?

Victor's Take:

Here is my question - why do is secretly? That is where the problem is. I think it is a natural, normal human inclination to wonder who, what, where, when, and how about some of our ex's. I never understood how someone could be in love with someone for five years of their life, and then all of a sudden turn that off and never speak to them or care about them again. I would argue that there was never "real" love in the first place or quite simply - this person doesn't know what love is.

Look, I have relationships with all of my ex's with the exception of one - and that is by her choice, not mine. She is a grudge-holder; she will be one her entire life and there is nothing that I can do about it. Some of my relationships with my ex's are just friends in cyberspace that, rarely if ever, correspond. I like to look in on them from time to time and see how life is treating them. Others, I talk with on the phone and even email maybe
3 to 4 times a month. Most are married or have boyfriends. I don't cross lines. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CANNOT FORCE OR LEGISLATE TRUST!

What if, and I'm just ask, he didn't do it in secret? What if he was 100% transparent with you about his contact with ex's? Would you be ok with that?
Also, and this is something that you did not clarify - did he act on these contacts - do anything inappropriate? (other than be secretive/lie about it)


Like 90% of the questions that we answer when it comes to relationships, this boils down to trust and communication. You need to sit him down and let him know (once again) what you can and cannot deal with. Maybe there is room for a compromise here - maybe he can stay in platonic contact with some of his ex's as long as he is transparent / offers full disclosure with you. Or, maybe this is a deal breaker issue for you - if so, draw your line in the sand and stick to your guns. "If you contact another ex again in any way, shape, or form, my next trip will be to the divorce lawyer. Personally, I don't think this is the answer but you have your life to live and your decisions to make. All I can do is provide my opinion - and you have it.

They are our ex's for a reason. You have been married for 11 YEARS - a major accomplishment. Maybe, just maybe there is another underlying issue straining your marriage - but that's just me. Marriage counseling wouldn't hurt before you throw in the towel.

I truly hope it works out for you.

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

Get divorced. I have a sentimental heart and love to stay in contact with ex's. I love my girlfriend and have been very open about this. My ex-wife lives across the street from me. The most important thing is the openness about it. If you are sneaking, there's a reason. Not that this will help, but maybe find your ex's ,and leave the info where he can find it, and see how he likes it. You might feel better. Remember the 80/20 rule. Does he make you happy 80% of the time? If so, work some more on fixing it. If not, move on. I have grown big leaps and bounds every time I have moved on. I haven't always moved on to better places, but I have always grown as a person with each experience.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

Express your disapproval about his behavior one more time. If it doesn't work, take a sledge hammer to his computer. Then, tell him that you are done. Like I've said many times-- I hold the bond of marriage in very high regard. Doing things behind your spouses back is totally unacceptable. Even if he thinks it is harmless, he has to understand, and care about, your feelings in regard to his behavior. That's what relationships are all about. It is very similar to a customer/supplier relationship. As his customer, you have every right to voice your expectations. Failure to meet those expectations could result in a termination of the contract (i.e. divorce).

So, you have every right to be pissed about this. If he says that he is going to stop, but you don't believe him, invest in a keystroke logger program, which is a program that records everything that he types, but he will be unaware that the program is on his computer. You can even have the reports emailed directly to you.

Sneaky spouses are garbage, and no one should have to go through this type of crap. Unfortunately, it happens more often than not. If you need advice on which sledge hammer to buy, send me an email.

--Eddie
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