What will guys think?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok, guys. Here's the deal.

I was with my ex for 10 years. During the course of our relationship, I caught him cheating 3 times. I finally left after the 3rd time. He is a drunk and is emotionally abusive. I was very much under his thumb, you could even say that he was just plain mean....

Anyway, about 6 months after we broke up, I was raped-- Brutally. I had 23 bruises just on my left thigh. Bite marks, hair pulled out, there was tearing and bleeding. I was barely able to walk the following day. I had not been with a man since my ex prior to that night.

I have not been touched by a man since and that was over a year ago. I have gotten to the point where I am extremely uncomfortable with anyone touching me, whether it is a friend or even my mother.

My question is: how is a man going to react to this news if and when I decide to date again? Should I tell a guy when we start dating? I am afraid of the reaction I may have when some guy I decide to date touches me. Is this too much baggage to ask someone to deal with? What is a guy going to think about all that?

I am anxiously awaiting your replies.

Thanks,
The Baggage Lady
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Dear BL,

Ronnie's Take:

Honesty and communication are important in life. That being said, I hope you are receiving professional help and working past this. Find a motivation to get through is. I was molested when I was young be a male relative. I know it wasn't me fault. I knew I couldn't let it control or ruin my life. Your brutality was a different level. You must realize this was an out of ordinary life experience. You must jump back in (either slowly or with both feet). Explain-communicate and get on with life. You can get busy living or you can get busy dying? Which one do you choose? Any guy will understand and go at your speed, if not they aren't worth your time any way. Maybe try just getting a guy to lay naked and still. Then you move at your pace with him until you get comfortable again. Break the control the event has over you.

--Ronnie
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Victor's Take:

I'm very sorry that you endured that. It pains my heart and it hurt to read it.

I'm going to assume that you are getting / receiving ongoing counseling. If not, go NOW!

You have seen and experienced more adversity in your life than most people will ever see. The light at the end of the tunnel is this - there are people out there just like you that have faced serious adversity and overcome it.
They lead fulfilling lives - you can too.

I would not tell a man immediately (I would speak to your counselor(s) about how to handle this as well), but I think it is a conversation that you need to have early on. I think every man's reaction would be different, so it's hard to say one way or the other. I'm sure it's going to be somewhat shocking for all.

What I don't want you to do is think that there is no man that is going to love you or understand. They are out there and they will. I promise you. You need to be in a good emotional state to have a open heart and mind and except that love when it is presented to you.

Don't give up. Don't ever give up. If you do, your ex-husband wins. The rapist wins.

Lee Iacocca once said, "In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive." I think his advice on adversity is spot on.

I wish you nothing but the best.

--Victor
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Eddie's Take:

We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.

Rough times in life come in a shapes and forms. It definitely saddened me to read your story, and, even though this is anonymous, I applaud your ability to get your pain out there. When a woman is violated against her will, there is a recovery process that they must go through. Unfortunately, there's no prescribed timeline for how long it takes.

I would hope that you have had counseling in regard to this, because it is very difficult to overcome the emotional scars from such a devastating event.

Walk with your head high, knowing that you did not do anything to deserve what happened to you. Don't blame yourself at all.

As far as future dating goes, you should just be open with the guy. If you date a mature guy, he shouldn't have an issue at all. Just take your time in the bedroom. Discuss your feelings and your boundaries. Tell him what would make you uncomfortable.

A day will come when you can close that chapter.

--Eddie
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