Change.... Is it temporary or permanent?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I met someone a year ago that I cannot get out of my mind. About two months into our relationship, his father died. His behavior began to change after that. While I cannot get into all the specifics here, we have done a lot to hurt each other over the past few months since the relationship has ended. He is a single father and took custody of his son and moved and failed his semester in a program he was about to graduate from. His appearance has changed drastically. He hurt me a lot after we broke up because he started dating a 22 year old girl. He's 34. His son is 14. I used to think people didn't change, but now I am starting to reconsider that notion. Is it possible for this to be just a phase? I am having a very hard time forgiving him. I can say that everything I have done wrong to him was a reaction to how hurt I was by his lack of human feeling throughout this whole process. He wasn't an ass before, but his entire personality changed very quickly. I still love him for who he was, and I know I need to put a lot of distance between us for a while.

--Thrown for a Loop
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Dear Thrown for a Loop,

Victor's Take:

Based on the information that you have given, this is a man with deep emotional scars that have come from a variety of sources. The change in appearance and behavior - two classic, textbook signs of depression. I would not say that this is a phase. I would say that this is something that he needs help getting out of. Imagine a person in a deep dark hole waiting for someone to come along with a ladder.

I'm not excusing his behavior towards you. But, this might be an opportunity in your life to forgive him and tell him - "I accept responsibility for the things that I did to you, and I am deeply sorry. I want you to be happy no matter what happens between the two of us." Then, I want you to let him get help. You cannot force him to, but maybe - just maybe you forgiving him may be the wakeup call he needs to realize that I have a problem and I need
help.

As much as you are going to want to force him into getting help, resist the urge; this is something he needs to do. Also, given his emotional state, I would also not involve myself in a romantic relationship with him. Unhealthy people have unhealthy relationships. You have already been down that road him.

I hope he gets help.

That's my take.

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

Yes people have life changing experiences for good and bad. Having the strength to accept the things you can't change is a powerful lesson. Obsessing yourself with any situation isn't healthy for you. I would move on. It could just be a phase he is going though, but he knows how to find you if he comes out of it. You must just move on. You have no other option but moving on. If you need closure, communicate and ask him why is he acting like this.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

I would relate his change of character to a depressed state. Losing his father had to significantly impact him. The death of a loved one is a tough hurdle for some people to overcome. Unfortunately, guys often use anger to express sadness. We are men... we are not supposed to cry and be soft. So, even though he doesn't express it, he is hurting deeply on the inside. The best thing that you can do is to offer a genuine friendship, and you should apologize for any pain that your actions or words may have caused him. Let him know that you care for him, and you just want to see him happy. Then, leave the ball in his court. Don't chase him, don't pester him. Just try to be understanding that he has to overcome the things that are impacting him.

So, is it a phase? I believe so. I have gone through lows in my life where my character was horrible. Bottled up emotion and anger can lead to huge changes in your behavior. He may just snap out of it one day, and decide to get back on track-- that's what I did!

--Eddie
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