Emotions and sex... (How's that work?)

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

First, a little history:

I was sexually abused when I was little, I've done drugs, but not in the last few years, I've been physically abused, & I've had a lot of heart break in my life even though I am only 18. I've been with 17 people & often feel that I may be a sex addict.

For the past couple of years, I've been strictly sex buddies with guys. I compartmentalized all of my friendships & sex buddies into their own special categories. I wasn't about to let any one get close to hurting me or appear to be vulnerable in any way. But I've recently discovered that this great guy whom I've been friends with for years had feelings for me, & the more we talked about relationships & what not, the more interested I became in getting involved with him romantically. My biggest struggle was accepting that he wanted a serious relationship & I wasn't going to be able to handle this in the same shallow manner I handled the guys from my past. I've basically gotten over the fear that he was going to get me to open up to him just in time for him to let me down, & I've started to trust him. I have very strong feelings for this guy.

This is where the question comes in:
The other day I was having sex with him & about 8 minutes into it he slipped out, & I was really wet in the beginning, but I guess I had a little problem & he couldn't get back in.

Princess Peach has never before locked any one out of the castle & this is the first relationship in which I've experienced intimacy & not just lust. Do you think that in this case my emotions could be effecting my sexuality???

Thanks!

--The Girl with Feelings
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Dear Feelings,

Victor's Take:

The answer to your question is yes. Here's the good news: everybody has these type of stories throughout their sexual history. No matter how hard we try, no matter how good a shape we are in, the equipment just doesn't want to work correctly sometimes. For some people this equipment failure (pardon the pun) is rooted in a medical condition or health issue. Many times however these things are purely mental. Given your history, I think that your issues here are purely of the mental variety.

I cannot emphasize enough how important I think it is for you to receive counseling immediately. Hopefully, you have taken this step already. Although many people feel like they will be stigmatized for going to counseling, that is rarely if ever true. Most people walking this planet do not have the emotional maturity to overcome an incident like physical abuse.

At 18 years old you have no chance of it. Please, get yourself into counseling immediately. Most importantly, do it for yourself. This guy sound like a good guy and in order to be in a good healthy relationship, you have to be good healthy yourself. You have a ways to go but the good news is there are people there to help you.

--Victor
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Ronnie's Take:

Emotional baggage it just that-- baggage. Asking questions is healthy for you, and the issues you have. I was just thinking today about abuse-- both mentally and psychically. I was molested by a male relative when I was 12yrs old, right when my mom and dad separated . My dad had a gambling addiction and missed most of my childhood. I never made excuses. The big picture is does any of that psychically stop me from doing ANYTHING? No of course not. Does having 17 dicks in you make you a bad person or keep you from functioning in life? No, it doesn't. It's only what you allow it to be. Wake up each day and do the best you can. 10 guys told you they love you and cheated and hurt you. The pain is created by you and only you hold yourself back. Release them and be secure in the person you are. Nobody can take away the person you believe you are. Being cheated on, lied to,raped ,molested, bad past decisions, etc... RIGHT NOW, THIS DAY have nothing to do with your success of the day. Stop being a prisoner to yourself. They were scum, you are not. You're 18-- expect more trials as you grow up, and learn from each one, and become a stronger, better person.

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

You will always be the hardest judge of yourself. We often make ourselves feel like failures and prisoners in the world. There are two circles in life. The circle of control, and the circle of influence. You have to understand that you can only change one of these circles--- the circle of control. Things outside of that circle may influence you, but you can't control them at all. You can only decide how to react to the things that impact you.

Additionally, emotional scars from a life of hurt is the reason why many people put their guards up, and/or they refuse to open up and trust someone. When things happen to you over and over again, you find it very difficult to think that it will not happen with the next person. I think that you can protect yourself, but you have to be realistic. Don't be too fast to jump into the physical aspect of the relationship. First, you should connect on an emotional level.

As far as you current relationship goes.... when you are used to having sex out of lust, it is hard to have it on an emotional/romantic level. Many people are still this way with their wife or husband. If you only experienced sex a certain way, it is hard for you to change it. This goes back to connecting on the emotional level with your mate. Let the love develop, then you will learn to express your passion through the art of making love. It is a wonderful thing, and I am sure that you will overcome the ghosts from the past. Remember, life is a journey, and the wrong turns, dead ends, and potholes are just part of our paths. Those things only make us who we are. Stay focused on your destination, and I know that you will find the fulfillment that you are searching for.

--Eddie
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