Swingers... But i like the other guy.

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

For you to give me an answer with all the facts, I feel I have to tell you the whole story.

I'm married (unfortunately) to a man I have nothing in common with and have shared 8 very long years with. We decided to open our relationship and be swingers-- I guess you could say. We tried it with one couple and it didn't go to well. Then we met another couple who we had everything in the world in common with. It was quite errie actually.

So, 4 months have passed, and we no longer consider ourselves swingers. The four of us are still together (living separately), but would have to say are more of a polymorous relationship. There's feelings now and relationships-- it's not just about sex anymore.

So here's my delima. I have fallen deeply for the other man and I'm sure he has for me as well. We have everything under the sun in common and get along so well. We are everything we've both ever wanted. I'm having issues sharing him. Not sharing my husband you can have him but sharing my boyfriend with his wife. I want him all for myself. He's been with his wife for 13 years (since middle school), and rhe eally knows nothing more then her. So he's in this spot where he stays with her because it's what he knows. They can't love each other to0 terribly much, or they wouldn't have opened their relationship right? I mean if I truly loved someone I could never share them.

Am I fighting a losing battle? Will I ever be able to have it just him and I? What do I do?

Thank you guys for you help

--Stingy Swinger

*****

Dear Stingy Swinger

Ronnie's Take:

This is a very common situation. Many friendly couples result in affairs because of attraction to the other party. First, these results are from many people getting married for the wrong reason. Parent pressure, lack of self esteem(can't do any better), lack of social skills (dating is stressful for many), monetary support, pregnancy, etc.-- all of which lead to a miserable marriage after the honeymoon ends. Then you are stuck. A new fresh person seems to be the way out.

Now to the matter at hand. You must talk to him (the guy you like) first. If he feels the same way, it's not that big of a leap from swinger to I want a divorce. Maybe the other two people feel the same way. Now the big picture is you want out your marriage anyway. Make that the reason not him. You are using him as a spring board, but you really wasn't happy anyway. You should seek a divorce if he's in with you, or not.

Life is short. Make the best of it. Get out and get moving. You have wasted 8 yrs already. This is about you.

To your last question... it is possible for swingers to still be in love and just like sexually freedom. So, you better ask him if you two do leave for each other that he's okay without swinging any more.

Good Luck!!!

--Ronnie


Victor's Take:

I'm going to get on my soapbox once again. 90% of the people in the world cannot have sex without involving emotion. I want everyone to ingrain this in their minds before you have a friend with benefits, threesome, swing, etc. I don't care if you think you can handle it - you probably can't. Until you can separate emotion (love) and sex - because they really are two separate things in every single way, don't play with fire! Now that we have that covered...

//"I'm married (unfortunately) to a man I have nothing in common with and have shared 8 very long years with."//

Do yourself a favor and most importantly your husband a favor - end it. Get a divorce. Then, maybe you "can have it just him and I", although that depends very much on what he does with his wife.

Many people are going to read this question and think, "That's why she went outside of her marriage and started swinging - because she was unhappy."

That's a terrible assumption and it is probably wrong, not to mention that it stereotypes all people who swing. Martial misery crosses all racial, socioeconomic, and sexual preference boundaries.

Good luck to you.

--Victor


Eddie's Take:

Like I said in a previous response, the bond of marriage is one that I hold in very high regard. In my opinion, opening your bedroom door to other couples is a recipe for disaster. With four people involved, I guarantee that at least one of them has jealousy or insecurity issues.

With that said-- do what you have to do to be happy. If you have nothing left for your husband, don't waste your time, or his. If you definitely want to be with the other person, you need to let him know what your plans are. Let him know that this is not a decision based just on him... it is because you are not happy with your husband.

Life is too short to waste time on anyone.

Good luck.

--Eddie