My husband just will not let go

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Hey guys! I hope you can help me. I have been married to my husband for almost 9 yrs. I love him dearly. We were married for 3 yrs. and I cheated on him. I thought we worked threw it and he forgave me. We used to take trips to his best friend's house, and his best friend would flirt with me and try to get me to have sex with him. I didn't tell my husband for a long time, and one night I got drunk and told my husband about his friend coming on to me. Ever since then my husband is not talking to his friend, and when he gets drunk he tells me what a slut I am and that he thinks I slept with his friend. I didn't sleep with his friend, and he also blames me for them not talking anymore. I regret telling him about it. I am tired of him accusing me of stuff I didn't do and I want it to stop. I feel like he is mental abusing me. I can't stand it anymore. What should I do??????

Scolded Spouse
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Dear Scolded,

Ronnie's Take:

Communication with him is Paramount. Give him the power. Ask him what does he think you should have done with his friend. Ask him if he thinks a true friend would have been hitting on you. Explain that he is conditioning you not to tell him things. Ask him is that what he wants? You must ask him if he wants this relationship to work? Does he think name calling will help him out? At some point things can be unfixable. Being cheated on can leave a huge self-confidence issue for the person that was cheated on. You can only do so much. Something has to come from him. Challenge him with that. You love him, you want it to work, you were wrong, you are willing to do whatever it takes to help but what is he going to do?

Lastly 80-20 rule Does he make you happy 80% of the time? if so then work on it, if not it's time.

--Ronnie


Victor's Take:

Your husband is still not over the infidelity, even though he says he is. I would recommend a martial counselor / couple counseling - immediately. That is the only way that I can see to rectify this situation. I got a ton out of therapy, even though it didn't save my marriage. I learned a ton about myself and I am 10 times happier than I have ever been in my life.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor


Eddie's Take:

I am sure that knowing you cheated on him was a tough pill to swallow. For a spouse, that is the worst form of betrayal. If you guys agreed to stay together, I would expect that you would have to eat crow for a while. As far as his friend goes, you should have told him as soon as it happened. Unfortunately, when things like that happen, the husband is always that last person to know.

So, for your current dilemma, I suggest that you talk to your husband to let him know your feelings about the marriage. If you guys have agreed to work it out, then there has to be some rules set in place to mitigate that type of behavior. It is really black and white. If he can't get past your infidelity, then how can he give you all of his heart. Often, I tell my wife this-- either you are down with me or not. There's no in between. So, give him an ultimatum. "If you have forgiven me, and you want to be with me, then you have to promise that you are not going to revisit what happened. Let's agree to close the chapter and move on together."

Hope this helps.

--Eddie