Feminine Manly Man

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

My boyfriend is awesome! He's treats me well, he's handsome, he's funny, and he never fails to make me laugh. There's just one little thing that I can't handle--his feminine side. Guys, I'm a girlie girl, and one reason I fell in love with my fella is for his manliness. He's my Tarzan. Most of the time anyway. Often, when we're on the phone, he'll start using this soft, very passive sounding voice that I loathe. After four years of this I have learned that he does it when he's feeling insecure, which is a lot. So I can't come right out and ask him to stop because that will make him even more insecure. How can I get my Tarzan to ditch the feminine voice??

Jane
*****

Dear Jane,

Ronnie's Take:

You must reward him for his Tarzan behavior. Don't dwell on the feminine stuff. Let him know how much it turns you on when he is showing manly reactions. Blow jobs always motivate me ; ) as a good reward. Communicate with him. Say "I sure do like it when you sound manly"; "It turns me on and makes me soooo proud of you". Remember my 80-20 rule. If he makes you happy 80% of the time then live with the 20. Nobodies perfect and most aren't even 80%.

--Ronnie


Victor's Take:

"He does it when he is feeling insecure." Why does he feel insecure? Solve the underlying issue, solve the problem. You put up with the behavior for 4 years. You probably acquiesced to his needs when he made the voice - gave him what he wanted, felt sorry for him, etc. After 4 years it is going to be a hard habit to break, but not impossible. First, find out why he is insecure, and then attempt to deal with that issue first and foremost. Second, communicate and share with him that he doesn't need to use that voice anymore, that it does bother you, and that you love him no matter what. If you cannot communicate that something bothers you after being with him for four years, then maybe you need to reexamine your relationship. I hope it works out for you.

--Victor


Eddie's Take:

I am quite sure that this problem is not a deal-breaker for the relationship, but I understand how little things can morph into a big problem. (Kind of like Japanese water torture.) At any rate, did he have this problem from the beginning of the relationship? If so, he has probably always been this way. If not, you can work on it.

The key here is his confidence. So, try building him up a little more. And, don't be afraid to actually talk to him about the voice. Ask him if he has ever noticed that his voice really changes when he talks about certain things. He may have no idea at all. Don't tell him it is feminine or wimpy-- just tell them that it is different. Just being made aware of it will result in him paying more attention to it.

Quite often, I have to do public speaking for work, and that was a skill that I had to shape throughout my career. My mentors would point out those idiosyncrasies that distracted people from the message I was trying to convey. Things like saying "um" or pacing back and forth were happening during my speeches without me even realizing it. Once I was made aware of the distractions, I thought about not doing them when I gave my next presentation. If a friend tells you your posture is not good, then you will try to correct it. You can tell him about the voice change without making him feel like he is being attacked. Just open his eyes to it, and let him take care of the rest.

Good Luck!

--Eddie