He's a great guy, but not in bed!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,



I am a 29 year old woman who is involved - and almost engaged to - a wonderful man. We have many things in common, and we know how to make each other laugh. I love him honestly and deeply. I can't imagine my life without him. He feels equally as strong about me.

Here's the problem:

Our sex life is horrible. He is very lax and has the attitude "well, if I get it, I get it." I am glad he's not constantly pressuring me to have sex, but I would like very much for him to show SOME interest.

When we do have sex it's always the same position - me on top - and there's never much foreplay. He likes to receive oral sex but REFUSES to give it. It just grosses him out. I can deal with that. But he never tries to make up for it in any way. There's little variety and he just won't ever push the envelope. There have been instances where he has fallen asleep while "taking care of" me.

I have tried COUNTLESS times to make him realize that he needs to show some interest and make the first move once in awhile. I bought one of those little books of "sexy" coupons for him in an attempt to give him the option. I have talked to him many times about it, saying that I need to feel like he can't resist me once in while. And told him he needs to be more vocal about what he wants.

There is no doubt that he finds me sexy and attractive, that is not the issue. But he just always uses the same reasoning - "I don't want you to feel like you have to do it if you are tired or not in the mood." Heaven knows I am not shy and would tell him if I really didn't want to.

I don't remember the last time we did anything intimate. I often think about starting it but then when I realize it's going to be the same thing as always if it does happen, I just get turned off and don't bother.

I am at the point where I usually just "take care of things" myself and get it over with instead of try to do it with him and get frustrated and unsatisfied.

I have even considered cheating, just to fulfill that one desire. Everything else about our relationship is AWESOME. I just need to be fulfilled better in the bedroom.

What can I do to make him realize that once in awhile he needs to just grab me, kiss me, and tell me all the things he wants to do to me, and me to him.

It would make me feel so sexually alive again, instead of bored and annoyed. I have asked, and dropped hints, and come right out and said it. But he just doesn't get it. Please, help before we are torn apart over something this seemingly inconsequential.

-Frustrated

***********

Dear Frustrated,



Ronnie's Take:



You have done all the logical things with communicating and being aggressive. If you are at the point of giving up, then it's time for drastic measures. When you are in bed together, do some drastic things. Cable has pay per view porn, or you can put in the DVDs. Turn it on and satisfy yourself right on side of him. Trust me this will get the communication to a NEW level. Ignore him and tell him (when he says "what are you doing?") you have communicated your feelings and you understand he is just not into sex and your okay with it. This is your way of compromising. Kill him with kindness that your okay, but make more noise or become wilder when you are getting yourself off. This will have two results. One, he sees the fun and gets turned on and gets involved. Two, he just isn't sexual, and many people just aren't. At least you get off. If the result is answer two, then move to medicine or experiment with situations that arose him. Drinking, morning time, nooners, in the shower together, etc. Try different things and see if any give a better result. If nothing works, have a heart to heart with him telling him the relationship is on the line because of this. Remember the 80-20 rule, does he make you happy 80% of the time? If not, maybe it's time. Life is short and sex is a big part of it. It's more than 20% of my relationship. Last and leastly, many gay men have marriages as fronts, just pay attention if that is a possibility. Gay men make great husbands except in the bedroom.



--Ronnie



Eddie's Take:



Was this guy ever into sex with you? If not, he has a deeper problem with sex in general. If so, he has come a bit complacent, which is not too uncommon. The bedroom zest can sometimes die out after the freshness of a relationship has gone away. To bring that back, you have to take the mundaneness out of act. Try to find out what excites him on. It may not be a sexual thing-- could be Nascar, or some other sport. Say he is into racing... go get yourself a sexy racer girl outfit, and have at it.



He has to be into something. For your sake, I hope it is not anything strange. What would you do if he was into freaky stuff like golden showers or scat?



The caveat here is that some guys do not like to be put on the spot. Sometimes ultimatums backfire, so you may have to be a little cautious on communicating your wants. If you say do it or it is over, then it is destined to be over. Show interest in him, try to fulfill some of his fantasies, and speak through your actions.



Please keep us posted on your progress.



--Eddie



Victor's Take:

The simple answer to your question, "Is a good sex life that important" is - YES.

Your sex life doesn't have to be perfect; it doesn't even have to be great.
But, good - sure. If you were ok with your sex life, the question wouldn't even have been asked in the first place, which tells me that this is a serious issue for you.

First, let me say that I applaud you for trying - it seems as though you have tried just about everything but hit him over the head with a stick.
Communication is good - even when you don't always get the desired results.
Trying different techniques and tactics is also good. But, and here is the key - this has to be a team effort, a two-way street to work. To date, it seems like the effort is one way.

My answers often involve a few things:

1) Communication
2) Solve the underlying problem, solve the issue
3) Honesty
4) Therapy (a third party opinion, if necessary)

This situation is no different. You have communicated, yet no results. Maybe he needs to hear the message differently or from an outside person to get it (therapy).
His behavior is not characteristic of the average human male adult, in my humble opinion. Is there an underlying issue that is not begin addressed?
Something from his childhood or a previous relationship?

Finally, and here is the bad news. You both just might be incompatible sexually. It does happen. Some people do overlook it. If everything else in your life and relationship is close to perfect, maybe the sex is a secondary item that you can compromise on. Compromise is a good thing and it happens all of the time in healthy relationships. For most people, I would argue, a decent sex life is not one of those issues that many will compromise on.

Your words:

Horrible
Refuses Oral
No Foreplay
Show me SOME interest
Never tires
Little variety
Falls asleep
Don't remember the last time
Turned off
Take care of things myself
Considered cheating
He doesn't get it

I would serious reconsider your engagement until this issue is dealt with (professionally, if necessary). If he "feels equally as strongly about me", he needs to work with you on this. Let him know that this is a deal breaker issue...

I wish you nothing but the best.

--Victor