Emotional Affairs

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I went through a depression that I would hop in and out of for ten years, almost the length of my marriage. It affected me terribly from not being able to perform (you know what I mean) to not even looking at my spouse. She wasn't the root of the problem, but I would take my frustrations out on her, I ended up talking to other people more than my wife and about things that I should have spoke to with my wife. I never had sex with anybody and the conversations never veered that way, but the emotions simply weren't being passed forward to her. I love my wife, more than I could possibly explain to you and I feel terrible about what I did, I'm trying to turn things around with her but I feel like I always have to explain myself and I still get defensive when my emotional affairs get brought back into "my face." I know what I did was wrong and I want to turn things around.

How can I get things back on track?

Off Track
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Dear Off Track,

Victor's Take:

First and foremost, have you sought out / are currently seeking treatment for your depression? I think that is the most important step and shows your wife that your are 100% committed to making this better. Secondly, have you completely broken off all of your emotional affairs? I would hope so, but the question had to be asked. I'm assuming that when you two fight is when she takes that opportunity to remind you of your past transgressions. Are you fighting about the same thing all of the time, and can those issues be solved?

Lastly, you need to tell your wife (and show her) that you are 100% committed to her, that you are truly sorry for what happened in the past, and are doing everything in your power to fix it. Then you need to tell her that throwing it up in your face whenever you disagree does absolutely nothing to solve the problem, but in fact makes the problem 50 times worse.
Ask her for help in solving this.

If she continues to throw it your face and cannot keep from doing so, couples counseling maybe your next step.

I wish you luck.

--Victor

Ronnie's Take:

Each day is a new day and a fresh start. Share that with her. If she throws your past up, tell her you understand, and you can't fix yesterday-- only tomorrow. She is the most important thing from now on, and you are going to show her. Just ask for that chance. Ask her for help with it, and make it a team effort. You can't make up for the past 10 yrs lost, but you can make the next 10 the best possible. You should continue being understanding, and keep killing her with kindness. Also you should re-examine your love for her if the fact of re-explaining yourself is that bothersome to you. You admittedly threw away 10yrs of the relationship. If I wanted it to work, and was truly in love, re-explaining myself a 1000 times would still be worth it. Why would you get defensive? If I do something wrong I admit each and every time it's thrown back up in my face. I say " I understand your feelings, and yes your right, and how can we FIX it together?" That's the only way. Take ownership, review the reason for the action, make sure it's fixed so it doesn't happen again, communicate this to your spouse, reassure your spouse. It's not personal but a normal human response to throw something back up. Don't take it personal.

--Ronnie

Eddie's Take:

Tell her exactly what you told us. Let her know that you woke up and realized that she is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You made a mistake, and it is natural for a spouse to bring that up. You just have to try to get a commitment from her to put your wrong-doings to sleep.

So, how do you get things back on track? Simply start giving her the attention that, as your wife, she deserves. Do something special for her. Bring the romance back to the relationship. Cook her dinner, burn candles, run her a nice bubble bath, etc. Go back to your courting days with her. Become the man that she fell in love with years ago. You may have to dig deep, but you find him.

Finally, reassure her that you emotional affairs are done. You screwed up, so take the ownership, but let her know that you realize what a fool you were for doing something like that. Overtime, you will earn her trust back.

--Eddie