Troubled Marriage... Will it ever work?

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

I would like to start by saying I like the advice given in the blogs. The 80/20, and how Victor points out exactly what you are saying, letting you know you have the answers being told to you. They just need it to be pointed out by a 3rd party. With all that said...

I have been married for 5.5 years, found out the day we were married how bad the jealousy really was. I would say our marriage is about 50/50 instead of 80/20. I feel like every holiday or around every 3 months since we were married (even on honeymoon) we have questioned our marriage. I know we are still together somewhat because of kids and finances.

Here is another thing though... I'm wondering if I am really questioning my life now because I recently have started talking to a man whom I adored and adored me. I know it's possible to really be truly happy. Am I wasting my life away being married to someone who I don't think is the love of my life? Should I not be so selfish once kids are involved?

Worried Wife
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Dear Worried Wife,

Ronnie's Take:

Broke and self-hapiness is better to me then security and living with someone who is not my life partner.I stayed married for a long time because of kids and finances. Once We finally made the break my relationship with my kids even grow more. The quality time of shared custody was better. Now yes I am wayyyyy broke and lost a house and retirement accounts.I WOULDN'T GO BACK FOR THE WORLD!!!

--Ronnie
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Eddie's Take:

First of all, there is no way that you can be giving your all if you are talking to some other guy. In my book, that is just bullshit. Have you expressed your concerns to your husband? Does he tell you what bothers him to cause his alleged jealousy? I pride myself on being a black and white person when it comes to analyzing problems (hence, the whole analytical guy thing). And, in the decision-making process, I don't operate in a grey area at all. I am this way at work and in life, with friends and with family.

So, don't sugar coat anything. If you are done, then be done. Don't keep dragging him along with some false hope that things may get better. There is nothing that bothers me more than someone that can't speak their heart. Forget the feelings involved. Forget the money. Forget the kids. All of that will work out over time. You just need to lay your cards on the table. Either (A) we are not going to work, and we need to end it, or (B) there are some things that we need to work on if we want our marriage to be a success. Then, open up to him with the same things you expressed to us.

I guess this is just a sore spot for me, because I think emotional relationships (even talking on the phone with a guy you adore) is a form of cheating. More importantly, it is lying. Honesty and trust are the building blocks of a successful relationship. Without one, you can't expect the other.

Now, tell the guy what's on your mind. He deserves that much.

--Eddie
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Victor's Take:

The reasons most often given for people that stay together in bad marriages - finances and children.

Let me say two things. First, do you think your kids don't know you have a bad marriage? If you think no, then you are fooling yourself. Kids see and hear everything. So that begs the next question - do you want your kids to grow up thinking that your marriage is what a good marriage should look like? Or, is not your happiness a key component to providing a loving, stable family unit for your children?

Two, I'd live on Ramen noodles and stay in a 1 bedroom efficiency before I ever stayed in a bad marriage that was making me unhappy.

Before giving up, I highly recommend marriage counseling.

I'll finish with this - this man that adores you and you adore him. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Remember that when making your future decisions.

--Victor
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