My son is out of control... help me!!!!

Dear Ask 3 Guys,

Ok here is my problem. I have a son that is 11. He is totally out of control and very disrespectful. It has come to the point to where my husband has given up on him because he disrespects him so much. He is my husband's step son. It is really bad. His dad is in the picture, but is never really here. It's a hard situation to explain. I am pretty much the only person that takes care of him and deals with him, which is hard on me, and puts a lot of stress on my plate. It has now caused a lot of problems in my marriage and has now started to put my marriage in jeopardy. If you could imagine the worse case possible with the most disrespectful kid possible that is my son. I can punish him, take anything thing away and nothing will affect him at all. He cares about nothing. He does not care if he hurts your feelings, he doesn't care how he talks to you, and I am telling you he cares about nothing at all! It has come to the point to where when it comes to the weekend all I want to do is get out take a break get a drink. That's where it becomes a problem because I am being called a party animal. My husband does not understand the actual stress that I go through with my son, how much it hurts me to see him like this? I often think what did I do wrong? I
have thought about sending him to an all boys military school to get his act together, but then I don't think I could live with myself if I did something like that. I often think well I can't live much longer like this either. I will end up alone because he is destroying this house hold. It's not that my husband wants to give up, because he doesn't. He still tries all the time, But when he does my son just shows him lack of respect all of the time. I cry all the time because it hurts so much. There are times that I spank him, put him in his room, he doesn't get to play, I do it all. He does see someone and we have seen every Dr. you can imagine, no one seems to help us get to the bottom of this. I have even cried in front of him and asked him why? What did I do for him to treat me this way.. I have raised him my whole life alone until my husband came along. What did I do for him to be so bad? He never has an answer for me. His grades are pretty good. I can't complain about that. Other than that he just has a major attitude problem.

--Miserable Mommy

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Dear Miserable Mommy,

Ronnie's Take:

Well it seems you have seeked out professional help which is clearly the best answer. We are not professionals but I can tell you about my experiences with disrespectful children. My son has a.d.h.d. and my daughter had the strong will to run over my ex-wife and grand parents. Desperate times call for desperate measures. This is not what you will hear from any professional. I had a few talks and they went like this. We have a problem that we can solve together (teamwork). From this point forward I'm not putting up with your disrespect. What do you think is causing it and how would you stop it (giving him the power)? Because the option is you can solve it or I'm going to beat the living hell out of you every time. I'm psycho and I will beat you until you call the police so they can take you away, then I won't have to put up with your disrespect any more. Now what is your choice (give him the power again)? If he disrespects then then be ready to grab him slam him, beat him with the belt screaming and yelling. Basically you have to go psycho on him. Call his bluff and be ready to except any result. It's now or never time. Yes I did this with my kids and some of my relatives and friends kids. Guess what? They all respect me. When they are at my house I don't have to say much anymore. I did have to out psycho them at some point and tell them I'm psycho. This was for their best. I still so love and play with them and reward them for good behavior. They all like me but respect me. This is tuff to do but he is worth it.

--Ronnie

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Victor's Take:

Your son has serious abandonment issues from the relationship with his father. You blaming yourself and doing it in front of him makes it worse. Your son feels like he let you down too, and your behavior exacerbates the entire situation.

I know you have said you have tried many doctors. Try more. If your house was on fire, would you argue over the price of the water to put it out.?

Your marriage is in trouble and your son is crying for help. Your house is on fire - try harder. Find a mental health professional that will listen and will help.

Also, you and your husband should both enter counseling - immediately. You two will get a ton of out it and help your marriage, but your son will benefit as well.

I hope it works out for you.

--Victor

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Eddie's Take:

It baffles me to see therapists and doctors see patients for years, yet they never figure out what the hell is wrong with them. I would actually keep records to plot out the data of his growth (or lack of) over the course of time that he spends with a doctor. If he sees someone for 6 months, but he has not changed his behavior, then I would question that specialist. In a perfect-world scenario, they think they understand your situation, but most of these quacks don't even have kids.

These days, it is all about not hurting the kids and so on. Blah, Blah, Blah... My dad busted my ass several times as a kid, and my upbringing definitely shaped me into the man that I am today.

Was I abused? Of course not. But, I related doing bad things to ass-whippings, and since I didn't like ass-whippings, I did less bad things.

Of course there is a line that you should never cross when it comes to physically punishing your kids, so don't do anything crazy. Just the traditional belt to the ass works great.

All I know is that you need to act fast. If he is 11 and out of control, then he is on a road to trouble. I have seen it too many times. First stealing, then drugs and alcohol, then jail....

He needs an intervention. And, I think boot camp is a good idea.

--Eddie

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